The 19 Percenters

A whopping 81 percent of US citizens believe our country is headed in the wrong direction. Actually I'm surprised that number isn't higher. With so many of us dissatisfied with the way our country is going it's not hard to pick out the people who want to turn back the tide of corporate greed, endless war, and the politics of division, all one has to do is look around at one's friends and family. On the other hand it's far harder to find people who are happy with the direction this country is headed in so so I thought I'd highlight some of the folks who think that everything is peachy keen in America.

First up, the man really in charge in the White House, Dick Cheney and his "house" lesbians.
Life is sweet for him because Dick pulls the strings and gets his way no matter what and when informed of how dissatisfied we hoi polloi are he sardonically says, "So?" Let us eat cake Dick, let us eat cake.

And the only officially approved homosexuals the Republicans can stomach are living the high life because they have all the rights and privileges that no other gay or lesbian can have, Mary and her partner are Queens of the queers! If they and their infant face any discrimination then daddy Dick will ship the offender off to Gitmo while he demonizes all the other gay and lesbian people who live in our country.


Things couldn't be going better for this group. They've ridden George Jr's bumbling all the way to the top and they've more than cashed in and they'll continue to do so if and when Dumbass leaves office. They'll never have to live on food stamps or worry about making their rent or mortgage payment, they're American royalty! And if they fuck up there'll always be some star struck right wing hack ready to step in and bail them out, just like the Germans in big business did for former Nazi's after WW2, only this time instead of calling it their support system the "rat line," let's call it the "lying weasel line."


Mr. and Mrs. Corporate Media Liars are in the 19 percent group. For them today's America could not be a better place. They get to be famous for telling lies, untruths, and for just being asses in general. They get to mock and make fun of gays, lesbians, and all manner of brown skinned people. Why Bush/Cheney's America is their paradise! It's no wonder they're fighting like hell to keep that uppity black dude and the former first lady out of office. Their gravy train would ground to a halt if a Democrat was elected, they wouldn't sell as many hate filled books and their TV time would be cut in half if that happened.

Meanwhile the rest of us who live outside that cloistered world of the Washington DC/New York City axis of political/media power continue to get screwed as they try to privatize more and more governmental services and they allow multi national corporations to invade our lives further and further. The majority of us know that something is very wrong and we're ready to do something about it. If they don't screw us out of a free and fair election that is.

I apologize for all the jarring pictures of those wretched greedy rich white people. I'll try to make it up to you by ending this post with some eye candy.

Here's a shot of Salma working her mojo:

Here's a cute shot of Reese Witherspoon:

And no, I didn't forget all your ladies out there. Here's a beefcake shot of me in my bejeweled diaper. As you can tell that banana diet is working out really well for me.

It's 100% more absorbent!

Okay okay, calm down. I know I'm the last of the bloggers to list my songs on Splotchy's Green Monkey Mix Total Absorption edition. You know I just love you all so much that I saved the best for last. Check out Beth's list on Cup of Coffey, Barbara's list on Bad Tempered Zombie, and of course Splotchy's mix on I, Splotchy and you can get the whole mix there as well.

We were charged with choosing ten songs, I came up a tad short for reasons that escape me now, that we get totally absorbed by and that we must hear all the way through when we begin to hear them. I am totally blown away by the great choices the others made and holy hell did they introduce me to some great new music.

Anyway, here are my contributions to the mix:

Johnny Cash - A Boy Named Sue: I've heard it a million times but when I hear ol' Johnny start his tale of that boy named Sue I get hooked yet again. It's one of the first songs that I heard as a kid that I demanded the grown ups let play all the way through.

Bruce Springsteen - Darkness on the Edge of Town: The title track off his late '70's masterpiece. It's not an easy boppy bright song but it captures that time like almost no other song ever did. I used play this album over and over again while I sang and played air guitar.

Rank and File - Post Office Wall:This is 1:43 seconds of pure genius. The cheesy singing and the jangly guitars and the funny lyrics always get me. I first heard it on a sampler years ago and I loved it to no end. If you have kids you better not play it around them because it is so infectious. It's been in my head since last night when Splotchy sent it to me via email. I can't stop singing it.

Kirsty MacColl - Titanic Days :I discovered this song on a new used sampler I just got. I love her voice, the lyrics, the haunting music, and the nautical noises in the background. God how I wish she were still alive, imagine all the great stuff she would do if she were still with us.

Mediaeval Baebes - Kilmeny: I discovered this group one day while searching for a Loreena McKinnet CD. Their CD looked interesting so I bought it and I fell in love with the whole medieval song and instrument shtick. This song sounded so modern to me when I heard it amongst the others and whenever I hear it I've got to listen to it all. As soon as the temperatures start to dip below 50 degrees I put the Baebes in heavy rotation on my CD player.

Kate Bush - Running Up That Hill: How can you not love a song where the singer talks about switching places with god? I adore Kate Bush and I can not wait to hear her new CD sometime soon, but I Hounds of Love will remain my fave because this song is on it. This song actually got banned on one of the local radio stations when it first came out around here, they said it was sacrilegious.

Stiff Little Fingers - Who Died and Made You Elvis?: I admit I'm a late comer to SLF. I should have been hep to them years ago but I had other things to do, like smoke too much pot and drink a shit load of beer. But I was lucky enough to pick up their CD Guitar and Drum one day after attending cardiac rehab and boy was I knocked out when I heard it. I love every song on the CD but this one is my favorite. I love how they use a pop icon like Elvis to make the point that we should all be a little more humble in our daily lives. I could have easily named Strummerville, their moving tribute to the late Joe Strummer of The Clash, as another total absorbtion song but I felt like I should limit myself to one song per artist. If you like punk rock then you owe it to yourself to pick this CD up.


It was fun choosing the songs and even more fun listening to what everyone else chose. Thanks for letting me play Splotchy!

Who's Googling me now?

People who want to find pictures of Archie Panjabi nude are Googling me now.

While I certainly agree that Archie is quite the hottie I find it odd that no one ever wants to see my other adoptee, Cloris Leachman. nude.

Sure Cloris is past 70 but she's still gettin' it done. She's quite the GILF.

Others who are Googling me also include people who:

-want to impeach Buch,

-want to cook eggplant,

-want to carry on conversations with their girlfriends,

-want to find jokes about monkeys, kids, kid Panjabi (whatever the heck that is),

-want to see monkeys with their hand in a jar,

-want to plumb the depths of depravity,

-and who want to look at interspecies porn.

Someone in the Philippines wanted to find out "what are the things that monkeys can do like humans." I'm guessing one of those things would be enjoying natural hot springs.

Someone wanted to see "Spock in a fez."

I can't help the person who wants to see Archie nude out, but I can oblige on the Spock in a fez.

I said 'Spock in a fez' not sock in a fez.

Oops, okay, here you go:

To be honest though, I could care less how people find me, I'm just glad they do. And I'm even gladder that all of you read my blog and that you leave me such, most of the time, wonderful encouraging comments. It blows my mind that people come back day after day to read what I have written and I am grateful that you all do. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Splotchy, I'm sorry

Splotchy of I, Splotchy fame and the man behind the 'Adopt an Actor' phenomenon has been writing about his gay side lately and I have been teasing him about it, perhaps a bit too much. I left him an untoward comment on his latest 'Road Warrior The Musical' post and I got to feeling bad about it. I think I was a bit of a dick, and so I want to apologize to Splotchy and to reveal that yes, your beloved Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein has a bit of a gay side as well.

I do love the ABBA, perhaps a bit too much if you believe what my girlfriend might tell you.

And I do have that man crush on Keith.

But what really pushes me into gay territory is my love for this show:

I am a man whore for this show. I love it beyond all reason. In fact I am hardcore Jonesing for it to come back on.

My love for Project Runway began in it's first season. One cold as hell day after my heart attack I was home and my old dial up connection was giving me fits. Disgusted with it I turned off the computer that afternoon and I turned on the TV. It happened to be on Bravo and I saw this crazy show about these whack job fashion designers making clothes for skinny as hell models and then I saw Heidi Klum and I was hooked. As one who has more than appreciated Heidi's many Victoria's Secret photos, I would have watched anything she was in but this show was somehow hypnotic to me. I dug it right off. I loved watching these people design clothes from scratch and then make them and seeing them on the models. I loved the catty judging at the end of the show and I loved the suspense of who was going to get the boot. Now, you need to understand I have never been into fashion for a split second and I could have cared less about haute couture before, but there I was hooked like a big mouth bass on a gleaming gold hook.

I kept my love for this new found show quiet. I watched the afternoon repeat the following week and I said nothing to my girlfriend. Then one night we were flipping channels and I said offhandedly, "Let's watch Bravo." I turned it over there and a new episode of PR was starting. She said, "What's this?"

"It's a new reality show. They got all these designers together and they make clothes and then one gets voted off at the end of the show. And the eventual winner gets a fashion design contract."

She was less than enthused. "You actually know this show?"

"I watched it a time or two in the afternoon." I was getting a little pissed because all our talking was drowning out the show.

She rolled her eyes and said, "I can't believe that's what you do when I'm at work. Watch fashion shows."

"You might like it if you be quiet and watch it."

She glared at me but she got the hint. By the end of the second commercial break she was hooked too.

We watched the end of season one and we cheered when Jay McCarroll won.

We went into kind of a withdrawal when it finished because we had been so into it. But as quick as a wink season two was upon us. When it started I had nothing to fear and I got into it way too much.

Some designs from season two of PR.

We watched the show religiously. She was into it like I was but being me I'd shout things at the TV as the show went on. Things like, "I can't believe she chose that color of fabric!" and "No he did not put an Empire waist on that dress!" and "How last year is that design?" The one that got my girlfriend really worried was, "I swear I will claw his eyes out if he makes that model go out there looking like that!"

During season two I was drawn to the charms of the eventual winner Chloe Dao, for two obvious reasons:

Her smarts and her talent! What did you think I meant you pervs.

But I also rooted for Greek Nick and I was devastated when he got voted off. I had bet the house on him to win it all. Thank goodness I had bet my girlfriend and not a bookie.

Greek Nick.

We had another post PR letdown after season two but thankfully season three began pretty quick after season two died. By then both of us were hardcore and my girlfriend even converted a woman who worked in her office.

We both cheered for Michael Knight but by the end it was obvious that he would not win it. He ran out of steam.

Michael Knight

Along the way in season three I rooted for and had a bit of the hots for this gal, her name is Laura Somethingoranother, and don't be a smart ass and put her last name in the comments because if I fucking wanted to put her last name in this post then I would have looked it up, I do know how to fucking use the Google after all, but by the end of the season I got sick of her. All her dresses looked the same and she tried to get one of the finalists kicked off the show. She became dead to me then, DEAD I tell ya!

Thank goodness they are filming a season four even as I type this and it should run sometime in the fall or early winter. I'm hoping they run all three older seasons as a run up to the fourth to get us all hopped up about it. If that sounds gay, then so what? I fucking love this show, so there ya go Splotchy, there's my gay side. I hope you're happy that you made me write about it you bastard, I hope you're happy now!

Here's your love god ladies

Do the ladies love me? Nope. Apparently they dig this guy:

You won't live forever Waterston, I'll make sure of that. Then they'll have to love me!!!

I'm an idiot times two

While out grocery shopping with the girlfriend the other day I noticed she had written 'toilet paper' on the list of stuff we needed. I saw it and I said, "Hon, we got toilet paper the other day. Remember? We bought that Seventh Generation brand that was on close out at Ingles."

She said, "Oh I forgot we bought that."

"So we don't need to buy any today then."

She said, "Nope. I guess not."

I opened the Seventh Generation package I thought was toilet paper this afternoon. Turns out it was paper towel.

After I get back from getting a hair cut and buying toilet paper this afternoon, I cut up some lean pork and put it in a pan with a little water and some bar-B-Q sauce. I put it on to cook and then ascended to lair that holds my computer. I began reading blogs and listening to the MP3 version of the new Nick Lowe CD that my new blog pal Beth at Cup of Coffey sent me. So there I am reading your blogs and enjoying Nick when I noticed an odd smell. I ran down stairs and holy crap, there it was. I fucking burnt the pork. Some of the blame rests with you people for writing all those great posts that keep my ass glued to my chair, but I'll take the hit this time.

We'll be having vegetarian pizza tonight with a salad instead of pork bar-B-Q sandwiches and salad, but at least we won't be wiping you know where with paper towel.

True improv tales

One of the funniest things my buddy Todd ever said on stage during one of our improv comedy shows was, "I tried to audition for The Vagina Monologues but they wouldn't let me. They said there was no opening for me."

Once while we were playing the improv game Song Styles, which is a game where you have to make up a song based on a style of music or in the style of a particular musician about something the audience chooses, I got the following audience suggestions, Jimi Hendrix and NASCAR. Todd, he was our guitar player in addition to being one of the group members, began to play some Hendrixesque music and I sang the following words:

Riding around on a big old race track

in a car painted silver and black,

shifting gears on the fly,

'Scuse me while I pass this guy.

It's important for you to remember that there is no off position on my genius switch. Or my humble switch either.

Some disturbing news

Oh, hi there, I didn't see you all standing there. I thought we scheduled this for a little bit later in the day. Uh umm, it looks like you caught me doing my exercises. Yes, that's it, exercises.

Oh well not to worry, I can still talk.

It seems that my old friend and undeclared candidate for the Presidency, Dr. Zaius, is up to his old tricks again. He's smearing me with his vicious baseless accusations and he is tarring my amphibian campaign manager as well. It would not wound me so if Samurai Frog and I were the only ones who had to bear the brunt of his outlandish barbs, lies, and insults. No, it's true, Zaius is not content to go after us, he must go after all Asian Americans with his hurtful hateful comments as well. He repeatedly mocked them and their cultural heritage by using the phrase "corrupt Monkerstein Power Pagoda" over and over again in his diatribes against me and my campaign.

We find his comment disgusting and so do all the Asian Americans who are up in arms over his attack on their ethnicity.

"We can't believe he said that! How insensitive can he be?"

"If we get ahold of him we will kick his hairy ass!"



"I forgive him, but only because my religion demands that I do."

I call on Dr. Zaius this minute to apologize to me and to the many fine Asian Americans that he has insulted and belittled. I call upon him to tell the world what is behind his baseless attacks and accusations and to finally come out and announce if he is running for the Presidency or not. The people of this great nation want a debate on the ideas and issues. They don't want insults hurled at me or the many hardworking Asian Americans.

As all of you can plainly see I am the only simian candidate who has put forth concrete ideas for moving this nation back on track after the disaster that is known as the Bush years. My learned simian friend Dr. Zaius has not offered a thing but lies, attacks, and insults. Either join me in the debate that will shape this nation Dr. Zaius, or you can just shut up and keep dancing with your Hollywood elite starlet pals.

Now, if you will all excuse me I must get out of this tutu. I have an important appointment to caress, oh oops, er uh, I mean, counsel a young Asian woman who is going through a very rough divorce. Hang on Padma, Daddy Monkey is on the way!

Monkerstein in 2008 fever, catch it

Envy, thy name is Dr. Zaius

It seems that the groundswell movement to draft me to run for President has hit my fellow simian blogger Dr. Zaius the wrong way, I invite you to look at the comment he left on my post about the lovely starlets endorsing me. It seems he also is upset with his place in my proposed cabinet. If my campaign to put this country back on the right track has offended you Dr. Zaius, I apologize. But the issues are too important to gloss over and ignore any longer. It's time this nation got rid of the chimp currently holding our country hostage and elected me, the only simian with concrete plans to make our country great once more, as President.

I invite you to get off remove that stick from your nether region and get back on the Monkerstein bandwagon.And the rest of you...
I want you to vote for Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein in 2008 if Dennis Kucinich does not get the Democratic party nomination that is.

Yes, but...

My fellow Americans, I come before you now to address the groundswell movement to draft me into the Presidential race of 2008.

First of all let me tell you that I am flattered that the clarion call has gone out for me to take the reigns over after we have all endured the long national nightmare known as the Bush years. I have met with my team of advisers, which consist of the following people, the cable guy, the nice Indian guy who runs the Citgo where I buy gas and Powerball tickets, my friend Todd, my girlfriend, the framed Eurythmics album cover I have hanging in my office, the late Frank Zappa, Ina Garten, Tony Kubek, Tony Kornheiser, Toni Basil, Toni Braxton, and Tea Leoni, and I have come to the following decision: I will indeed run for President if and only if my first choice of candidates, Dennis Kucinich, does not get the Democratic Party nomination. If the party I have long been a member of does not nominate Rep. Kucinich then I will split from them and run on the Monkey Party ticket. I will of course name Mr. Kucinich my running mate since he and I are so closely aligned on the issues.

So let the word go out, if Dennis is not nominated then it's


I do meet all requirements for the job. I was born in the USA, I am over the age of 35, I have a pulse, and I have an excellent grasp of the English language, both written and spoken. That right there shows you I am more qualified than the idiot who currently occupies the White House.


In order to garner support from the progressive blogosphere I am taking the unusual step of naming my cabinet now. I feel that by doing this now then the people who help shape so many opinions and influence so many will be ready to blog away on my behalf and use their blog powers for good instead of wasting them on someone like Hillary or Chris Dodd.

So without further adieu I present my picks for my cabinet along with some picks for cabinet level posts:


Sec. of Agriculture-D Cup of Politits
Sec. of Commerce-Romius T. of The Self Help Center and other various blogs
Sec. of Defense-Cap'n Dyke
Sec. of Education Johnny Yen
Sec. of Energy-Splotchy of I, Splotchy
Sec. of Health and Human Services-Blue Gal
Sec. of Homeland Security-Manila Ryce
Sec. of Housing and Urban Development-Lisa from Lemon Gloria
Sec. of the Interior-Station Agent of Ice Station Tango fame
Attorney General-Pam from Musings of a Working Mom
Sec. of Labor-Commander Otherwhirled
Sec. of State-Quaker Agitator
Sec. of Transportation and Ugly Tour Bus Photoblogging-Princess Sparkle Pony
Sec. of Treasury-Sorghum Crow
Sec. of Veterans Affairs-Major Brass
National Endowment of the Arts CEO-Matty Boy of Lots of 'Splainin' to do fame
Head of the Office of Management and Budget-Tengrain from Mock Paper Scissors
Head of the EPA-Not Soccer Mom
Chief US Trade Rep-Liberal Avenger
Drug Czar-Meg of You Look Really Great, You Look Really Sexy fame
United Nations Representative-Suzie Q and her team of Justice bloggers
Head of NASA and NOAA-Dr. Zaius
CIA Chief-Delilah Boyd
FBI Chief-Davezilla
National Security Advisor- Oliver Willis
Smithsonian Head and Sec. of Pop Culture-Samurai Frog
Ambassador to the Western Europe-Becca from No Smoking in the Skull Cave
Ambassador to Eastern Europe and Russia-Fran from FranIAm
Ambassador to Asia-the guy who writes Death Wore a Feathered Mullet
Ambassador to the Middle East-Jess Wundrun
Ambassador to the other Americas (Central and South)-Blueberry from Texas Oasis
Ambassador to the countries of Oceania-Jack from Jack's Non Blog
Ambassador to Canada and every other country not covered above-The Aristocrats (minus Blue Gal of course)
White House Chiefs of Staff-Angry Ballerina and Evil Spock

Once elected we will have much work to do. We will have to weed out the partisan hacks installed by the Bush junta, get our troops out of Iraq, Afghanistan, Korea, Japan, and Europe, reign in the multi national corporations, implement universal health care for all, and restore our country's image abroad.

I will leave the daily duties of running the country to my various Cabinet members and to the Vice President. I shall immediately head abroad to help heal the wounds that the idiot Bush has inflicted. I will in all probability be spending much of my administration doing this and I shall begin in the Virgin Islands, then Bermuda and Jamaica, and then it's off to New Zealand and Tahiti. Fear not I will not rest until I have made sure that every tropical and exotic island nation is back in our corner. It will be a tough job but I assure you I am up for the challenge.

So if you want things done right for a change and if you want your country back and led by competent people and if Dennis doesn't get the nomination,
then I want you to vote Monkerstein in 2008!

Smartest Frog ever

Forget Kermit, he's a know nothing punk with a guy's hand up his green booty. The smartest amphibian in the world is Samurai Frog. When he's not endorsing me for President, he's writing the second best blog in the world. My thanks go out for his support and for his great writing about pop culture.

I apologize for not putting a picture of him in this post but I am writing this from my local library because the weenie ass cable company who I get my high speed cable from sucks hairy balls. My internet is out at el Casa de Monkey YET again.

Note to Charter Communications: If you want me to buy your phone service, then try keeping my internet service going. Also, how about you invent a way to give people a credit for the time when your service is off, I'm getting tired of calling you people to tell you my internet is out and asking for a credit. One more thing, unless you are trying to be ironic, those commercials that you play while people are on hold when they call for service and or a credit that tout how reliable your internet service is should be discontinued because they do nothing but make you look more like greedy idiots.

Dr. Monkerstein, ever inquisitive, ever probing, even as a child

What can I say? I was addicted to crack.

Comedy influences (the early years continued)

In our home when I was a child my mother put a great deal of emphasis on us all learning to read as quickly as possible, I suspect that she did it so we would stick our noses in a book and be quiet for a while so she could have some peace. Since I was the youngest of five children I read the hand me down books and magazines my brothers and sisters bought.

My favorite magazine when I was a young lad was none other than Mad Magazine. Weekly Reader sucked balls because it was so skimpy, I usually had mine read before the teacher finished passing them out to the other kids in class. Boy's Life really sucked ass because I was not in Boy Scouts, I refused to join them because of after you were a Cub Scout you were then forced into something called Weblos after you graduated from being a Cub Scout and even at a very young age I did not want to be in any group that said that it's members blew. Highlights magazine also sucked it was too "goody goody" for my tastes, hell I was already reading the Detroit Free Press by the time I was reading Highlights. And finally, I did not like Jack and Jill because they refused to publish the joke I sent in to them when I was 8 years old.

But Mad stood head and shoulders above them all. It was funny, topical, and it had cartoons in it. And not just any old cartoons but illustrations by Dave Berg (For a little while when I was young I was convinced that my father was secretly Dave Berg's alter ego Roger Kaputnik, the resemblance was, to me anyway, uncanny. Look at Dave Berg's drawing of himself as Roger Kaputnik and then scroll down and look at my Dad. You can see why I was a bit confused.), Al Jaffee, Mort Drucker, Sergio Aragones, the great Jack Davis, and Don Martin.

I read Mad as soon as it came through our front door, when my big brothers finished with it, that is. I devoured it and wanted more. I loved the movie parodies, the snappy answers to stupid questions, the crazy fold ins on the inside of the back cover, and every other thing they put in it with the exception of the letters to the editor. I learned tons of stuff from Mad about the politics of the day and our society in general. It was also the first place I learned about things like anxiety, drugs, alcoholism, and patriotism.

I remember vividly the time they stuck a folded poster in one issue. It was around the time when All in the Family was just becoming popular. On the poster written in that hippy dippy style of lettering was the Pledge of Allegiance and I proudly read it off to my Mom and a neighbor who was visiting at the time. I read through it and then I came to the end and it said, "And liberty and justice for all, even for Blacks, Jews, Wops, Spics, Chinks, and whoever else we got in this country now." They both busted out laughing as I read that part and I started laughing as well, as soon as I got the joke.

We gobbled up everything Mad put out. The monthly magazine, the annuals, which were nothing more than reprints of stories and stuff we had already read, and the paperback books they put out. The jokes were groaners sometimes but we loved them all.

I stopped reading Mad regularly when I hit my teens but sometimes I'll buy a copy and read it and it always takes me back to when I was a tow headed scamp. I got the nerve up a few years back and I sent in some story ideas and jokes but they never did publish them. Although I did get a nice letter from the editor in chief once telling me that they almost bought one of my articles. I was flattered that they considered buying it but I would have appreciated the cold hard cash more. It's all good though and like one of my childhood heroes always said, "What? Me worry?"

Something special for my 300th post

One morning earlier in the spring, I had to go out to buy some markers and foam core board to make some signs for me and my girlfriend to take to the anti war protest the next day. While I was out, I stopped by Circuit City to see if I could find a low price copy of The Adventures of Baron Munchhausen on DVD. Of course they did not have what I was looking for so I walked through the video games aisle and I found and bought this game:

I went home, got out our big letter stencil sheets and began making our signs. I made one that said, "END THE WAR OF TERROR" and I was workng on one that said, "WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO THOU SHALL NOT KILL?" when my girlfriend came home for lunch.

She asked what I was doing and I told her I was making signs for the next days protest. She picked up my little bag from Circuit City and she said, "What's this?"

I replied, "It's a video game."

She took it out and looked at it. After rolling her eyes she said, "Do you not see the irony here?"

An important message from your beloved Dr. Monkerstein

My fellow Americans I have called this poolside speech because I want to talk to you about a very important issue, immigration. It has been on my mind a lot lately and I have posted one piece about it already.

Incredibly enough after that post hit the internets some people still insist that the flow of Americans who were born in other American countries into the USA is a bad thing. It is mainly to these people that I address my remarks. All of you others may listen in if you like, if not feel free to fix yourself something drink. May I suggest a fruity Mai Tai?

Everyone ready? Ahh good. Here we go:

I heard an interview last night on NPR with some older people who were attending a Reich wing Republican affair of some sort in rural Georgia. They were assailing their Reich wing Republican senators for not being tough enough on immigration.

These old fogeys went on to say that their main concerns were the security of this nation and the flow of people from other American countries into this one, although to be a bit fair to them they used the term 'illegal immigrants.' As these paper skinned soon to be Soylent Green fossils spoke, I realized that they did not understand who was at fault here, they foolishly blamed our 'lax policy' on immigration for the flow of so called illegals into this nation. They said that the immigrants were taking our jobs and using up all our precious health care.

They are, of course, as wrong as wrong can be, misguided, and uninformed as to who the real culprits behind the health care crisis are.

First of all, I have already addressed how we can end terrorism forever in this previous post.

Second, the real culprits behind the health care crisis in this great nation of ours are not the many fine Americans who come from other American countries to live and work here,

the real culprits are the greedy (at this point I would usually call them "greedy pig fucking corporations", but I can no longer insult the many fine swine of this nation) insurance corporations, the scum sucking HMOs, and the devilish pharmaceutical corporations.

These bastards caused this crisis due to their pursuit of profits. They charge obscene amounts of money for medical insurance premiums, ever higher prices for drugs, and outrageous amounts for hospital stays or emergency room visits. They keep going up on their prices so they can make more and more fucking money while they screw us out of decent medical care. The little kid in the emergency room who's parents came from Mexico seeking a better life than the one we and NAFTA screwed them out of is not the cause of the health care crisis in this nation.

Take the profit motive out of health care, like Dennis Kucinich wants us to do, and create a single payer health care system for all Americans and see if that doesn't solve the health care crisis.

Then when that's done let's repeal NAFTA, reign in the out of control greedy pig fu...(damn old habits are hard to break) corporations, and start treating other people like we want to be treated and see if that doesn't stop the immigration problem.

If you can't see that the problem is that this bastard, he's the CEO of United Healthcare, is making far too much money, then there is something wrong with you and you should go to a hospital, if you can afford it that is.

That's all I have time for now, I need to get back to my pool so I can practice my half gainer with a lemon twist.

The Dr. Zaius Wonder Diet For Left Wing Bloggers

The wonder diet strikes again!

First Dr. Zaius's Wonder Diet helped Blue Gal get slim and trim and ready for bikini season.


And it also gave her super Judo powers as well!

Then I tried it and boy am I glad I did!

Look at me now!
Not bad huh? It made most of my body hair fall off but look at that muscle definition! That lean trim body! That bulging member! And ladies, you can crack Brazil nuts on my rock hard ass.

Who needs John Basedow when you've got 'Dr. Zaius's Wonder Diet For Left Wing Bloggers!'

Just imagine what it can do for you!

Ask Dr. Monkey

I recently sat down and answered some questions from journalists, fans, and ne'er do wells.

I have decided to make a smattering of that interview public.

Dr. Monkey, what exactly do you have a doctorate in? I have a doctorate in Party-ology. I got it back in the 80's. Supds MacKenzie was also in my doctoral class at Psychotic State.

Speaking of dogs, do you have a dog?

No. But if I did, I put silly hats on it and take pictures much like the above one.

Cash or credit? Cash.

Do you know Eva Braun? No, I never met her.

You're sure about that? Yes, of course.

Why do you blog so much? Ever since I had my heart attack and bypass surgery I am not supposed to go outside for very long when it is too hot or too cold. It's way hot right now so I stay inside and blog and read other people's blogs.

Oh okay. Now back to the Eva Braun thing... Ok, I admit I knew her. Barely. We were just acquaintances.

Do you know personally anyone who has lost a shit load of weight? Yes. This is my friend Brad.

He lost 190 pounds after this picture was taken. He looks great, his health is one thousand percent better, and he has added decades to his life because he lost all that weight.

Sweet. Yeah, we're proud of him.

One more question about Eva Braun.... No. I will not answer any more Eva Braun questions.

Which environmental activist do you have a secret crush on?

Majora Carter. I adore her spirit and her passion for environmental justice. And she's as cute as a button.

If we could just get to the bottom of this Eva Braun thing...

Okay, I admit it. I knew her but I did not love her. Now let it be. That's all I'm saying.

Sorry Doc, we missed that last answer of yours, what did you say again?

I said, "I never loved Eva Braun."

Ok.

We love this picture of Fatty Delicious, do you also love it?

Sure. It's funny and mysterious at the same time.

Show us a picture of one of your favorite CDs of all time.

Okay, here you go:

If you had to choose between Monica Goodling and Angela from The Office, which would you choose?

No contest, I choose Angela from The Office. Angela is a character on a hit TV show, the other one is a religious zealot who helped the Bush junta oppress gays, liberals, blacks, and others. Angela rocks, Monica should be in a prison jumpsuit breaking rocks.

Coffee or tea? Neither, I'm hooked on:

We all have our vices.

Yep. And since I had to stop smoking, give up most red meat, give up candy bars, and switch to a low fat diet, I'm not gonna give up my soda. Nope. No way.

What was one of your early comedy influences?

Hee Haw? Surely you jest.

I'm not kidding and stop calling me Shirley. I plan on writing about my love for Hee Haw sometime soon, so watch for that in the near future.

Look at this picture:

Do you agree that Evil Monkeys Rule?

Who says we're evil monkeys here at Monkey Muck HQ? Just because we do not agree with the prevailing paradigm does not mean we are evil.

Would ever wear a sweater like this one?

Not just no, but hell no. Never, not even if I was freezing to death. Now maybe a nice cardigan...

Who in your opinion is one of the world's cutest babies?

No doubt about it, this little gal is. I won't divulge her name or her home country but she is one of the hands down cutest babies on the planet.

Wanna go out for a drink now?

Sure, you all go ahead and wait for me. I'll be along in a while.