Our long national nightmare is over

It looks like Evil Spock is back. He's got a new post up on his blog and he's been spotted commenting on other blogs. I'm happy to see him back but I know how fickle he is with our blogmotions, he could be setting us up for a bad break up later. But we'll worry about that when it happens.

So to celebrate his first blog post in months, I offer up these two photos of Gong Li.

Let Gong Li's wistful smile be your welcome back to the blog world.

Lower than low

La Malkin has sunk to a new low, he's joined the attack on that 12 year old kid who had the gall to go on the radio after Bush's weekly propaganda fest and deliver the truth about the SCHIP veto. Mr. Michael Malkin is attacking a couple with two children, presumably because his womb is now barren, and encouraging others to do the same. Well she did say in her rebuttal to Sally Fields comments that to be a mother these days you have to be ready to be ferocious and ready to fight. I didn't realize the people he'd want to fight were little kids.

He got his nut job followers to call this poor family and to harass them because they've gone and taken the benefits the state of Maryland offers. In Mr. Malkin's world it's fine for Republicans and big corporations to take welfare and help from the state but not needy families. If I knew where that whore Malkin lived I'd put his address online and I'd go there myself and I'd piss all over his house and lawn.

On second thought, no, I would not do that because I think he might enjoy that. I hear he's into water sports. Or was it his immigrant parents who took advantage of the laws of this country to have him while they were in the USA so he would automatically become a citizen? I wonder how he'd react if someone attacked his kids? He'd probably go ballistic, the hypocritical bitch.

I am pregnant with gratitude

Becca at No Smoking in the Skull Cave awarded me one of these

I am incredibly honored since she is one of the reasons why I began blogging in the first place. To recieve an award from someone as truly creative as she is leaves me almost speechless. If you want to see creative go to her place and look at her sketches and if she'll let you, dig through her archives and look at all her great writing and photos. Her series on under appreciated movies is astounding as is her Colin Farrell's House Party. Becca is the dream friend I always wanted and now I have, so what if we've never actually met and that we live hundreds of miles apart. I love everything she writes, photographs, sketches, and posts and I love it that she thinks highly of me and my blog o' terror.

From the bottom of my heart Becca I say, "Thank you!"

Now the other thing about getting this award is I get to turn around and give it to five bloggers. And to you five bloggers who are about to get this award from me, I don't care if you do memes or not, I want to give you this because you are funny, provocative, smart, talented, and a must read everyday. Now on with the my choices:

D Cup at Politits. No one writes about family life, popular culture, and politics more creatively than her. She is my hero and when I grow up I want to write like her and to have as rabid a following as she does.

Evil Spock at The Needs of the Few. I read his missives and I think to myself, how will I ever write as well as that? And then I remember that blogging is not a competition but I'm still jealous of the evil one.

Bubs at Sprawling Ramshackle Campground. I love how Bubs writes about his family, his cocktails, his love of Elvis, his job, and how he also tosses in features like Weenie Waver Wednesdays and Florida or Germany? I'm not gonna mention how much I like him because he sends me pictures of him and his lovely daughter holding Crunky bars. Maybe one day Miz Bubs will consent to hold some Crunky and I'll be able to complete the Bubs family trifecta.

Mad Haiku. Whats not to love? Cool collage art and haikus about everything. I'm convinced he's a feckin' genius.

And last but definitely not least, Missy from Minnesota, what is it about gals from the North country lately anway?

She's got two blogs. This one and this one. And I love them both.

So all five of my choices thanks to you for all you do and you can pass the honors along if you like. You are all great in your own way. However, the rest of you mugs on my blog roll had better shape up and start writing even better stuff than before. Who knows, maybe one day I'll toss you an honor on my way to the top.

Stop the lies!

...and then I said, "No babe, that really is a sausage!" Oh hi. I didn't see you all there, sorry. I was just telling that sexist joke to illustrate the point that jokes like that are bad, yeah that's it, bad.


I know it's hot and humid so I won't keep you all here long. I asked you all here so I could clear up some misunderstandings and so I could refute some lies that have hit the campaign trail harder than Lindsey Lohan hits her crack pipe.


My rival Sleestak has dug up some information that he thinks will damage my campaign to restore America to greatness. He's found out when I was younger that I embraced Communism. But he's actually wrong. What I embraced was Marxism, not Soviet style Communism.
Yes, this is an old poster from my college days. All of us experimented in college one way or another. Some of you tried homosexuality, some tired baking, others went in for macrame, and a few of you were 'one toke over the line Sweet Jeebus' a time or two as the kids today say. It just so happens that I experimented with Marxism because I was in love with a young hot Marxist girl. Here is her picture:

Trust me she used to be a knockout. Alas she rebuffed me and I left my Marxism behind when she did so. So now you can see that I am not a Marxist, unless you count liking the Marx Brothers as being a bad thing. I am committed to the principles of the Constitution and I will enforce those principles on behalf of all Americans.

And now lets hear what some regular citizens who are not paid campaign shills have to say about me and my past:

"Dr. Monkey's past is in the past and whatever he did back then is cool with me. I think Sleestak is grasping at straws and if Dr. Monkey were here I'd press my boobies up against him like this...."

"The Monkerstein campaign must not be derailed by the running dog lackeys of the upper classes. Our revolutionary cadres must remain ideologically pure!"

"Evil Spock will not consent to be interviewed at this time because Evil Spock is chafing badly from today's bike ride. Now unless you are prepared to powder Evil Spock's nether regions, then Evil Spock suggests you get out of Evil Spock's living quarters."

"Wooooooo hooooooo, I'm so drunk. Has the whole world tipped over or something? Or is it just me?"

"Please go away, I finally got this guy to go out with me and I am not going to seduce him with your stupid asses around. Leave us alone."

As you can plainly see America stands behind me. They still support me in my bid to become your leader. Don't forget to vote Kucinich but be ready to vote for me if Special K is not nominated.

Who's Googling me now?

People who want to find pictures of Archie Panjabi nude are Googling me now.

While I certainly agree that Archie is quite the hottie I find it odd that no one ever wants to see my other adoptee, Cloris Leachman. nude.

Sure Cloris is past 70 but she's still gettin' it done. She's quite the GILF.

Others who are Googling me also include people who:

-want to impeach Buch,

-want to cook eggplant,

-want to carry on conversations with their girlfriends,

-want to find jokes about monkeys, kids, kid Panjabi (whatever the heck that is),

-want to see monkeys with their hand in a jar,

-want to plumb the depths of depravity,

-and who want to look at interspecies porn.

Someone in the Philippines wanted to find out "what are the things that monkeys can do like humans." I'm guessing one of those things would be enjoying natural hot springs.

Someone wanted to see "Spock in a fez."

I can't help the person who wants to see Archie nude out, but I can oblige on the Spock in a fez.

I said 'Spock in a fez' not sock in a fez.

Oops, okay, here you go:

To be honest though, I could care less how people find me, I'm just glad they do. And I'm even gladder that all of you read my blog and that you leave me such, most of the time, wonderful encouraging comments. It blows my mind that people come back day after day to read what I have written and I am grateful that you all do. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Endorsement City!

As the lies of the Zaius campaign become more and more outlandish and desperate more and more luminaries, celebrities, and plain old hard working citizens have endorsed me in my Presidential run.

A certain evil Spockling has joined us. That's right America, Evil Spock has thrown his hat in my ring! How pumped are we? Super pumped!!Evil Spock cements our position with Hoosiers, organic food farmers and grocers, and bicycle riders nationwide. My campaign manager, Samurai Frog says I should keep an eye on Evil Spock but I think the evil one can be trusted.

Also endorsing me today are the following people:

Evelyn Murdoch, head of Students for a Better Tomorrow!

Naked Mumenschantz!

China Eats Restaurant out on Hwy 107 West where the motto is "Yes, that's really chicken in there."

Dave Paulson, CEO of Unibrow Industries!

Bebel Joarge, President of the Silly Hat Club and hall monitor extraordinaire at her school in Sao Paulo, Brazil!

And this can of Spotted Dick!

We're moving forward America, not backwards like Zaius and his menagerie of malodorous malcontents. Join with me and let's get America up again!

Lighten up, it's Tuesday

Here's a list of things that made us laugh this past week (and we apologize for any delay in clips loading, pay your damn server bills You Tube!!):

1. The Bush "shocker," via the Aristocrats. Unfamiliar with "the shocker" you say? Well go here and find all about it. And then be afraid, very afraid.
2. For a double dip from the ice cream bucket o' political hijinx that is the Aristocrats, check this out because dick jokes are always, always funny, if their done right.
3. We have no idea what language they're speaking on this clip, it's the inter-species romance that gets us.
4. While shopping at Sorghum Crow's General Store this made us laugh so hard Limonata shot out of our nose.
5. Nobody throws down quite like Samurai Frog. Who knew a reptile could be so snarky?
6. And who knew that it took a reptile to remind us why we don't watch Regis and Kelly Lee? (This link is not, we repeat NOT safe for work, unless you work at a massage parlor, bordello, or for the Department of State)
7. Heeeee's back and he wrote possibly the greatest throw away line ever, "Oh, and the invasion of Iraq kind of sucked too." Damn you O Evil one, we bow before your evil comic genius.
8. Holy shit, so this is what happens to 80's New Wave bands right before they get rounded up and shot.
9. Any gal who refers to her kids as "the spawn" is okay with us.
10. It took Princess Sparkle Pony to remind us why we should be ashamed, so very ashamed that Condi is our Sec. Of State.
11. The song stylings of Manila Ryce's future fiancee made us laugh out loud.
12. And then he posted this and it reminded us of the family reunions we used to have at the Monkerstein Family Estate. The only things they would have needed to make it more like our family get togethers would have been firearms, alcohol, and a lifetime of passive aggressive simmering resentment for each other. Ahhh, those were some good times, good times.
13. Sweet Jeebus, this is why they invented My Space, wasn't it? Who says they don't write songs like they used to?
14. Here's something that we didn't know about until The Onion brought it to our attention. And we'll sacrifice a small animal to the dark gods that bore us so that we may be spared.
15. He's done too damn many photoshop masterpieces lately to pick out just one that deserves mentioning, so just go visit Dr. Zaius at Zaiusnation and marvel at his photoshop wizardry, his trenchant political commentary, and his love for La Belle Pelosi.
16. And finally, sometimes we think that the only thing funnier than hearing little kids cussing is hearing Betty White do it.

It's Tuesday, lighten up and laugh a little

Before we had our heart attack and subsequent quadruple bypass, we used to do improv comedy. We were part of a group that has a regular Tuesday night gig in Knoxville, TN. So Tuesdays will always mean improv comedy to us, well until we get Alzheimers and forget everything or we get slaughtered by those damn war loving gorillas during the reign of Dr. Zaius, and in that vein we present some of the stuff that made us laugh out loud this week.

• This gem came from Sorghum Crow's General Store, as did this, and so did this. It's no wonder why we love to shop there so feckin' much.


• Evil Spock made us laugh so hard with this post that our Banana Daiquiri nearly shot out of our nose.


• Blue Gal is still gettin' it done over at her place with this post.


• Our new sweetheart o' the blogs Princess Sparkle Pony slayed us with this and this. Thanks for reminding us why we love Condi so much Princess.


• Dr. Zaius's version of the Republican debates is priceless.


• We admit it, we're not above laughing at stuff that references tea bagging, your mother, and convicted felons. We are monkeys after all, not Belgians.


• We'll take some heat for this one, but Cleveland steamers make us giggle like schoolgirls.


• And finally, we know, we know, this is juvenile, and sophomoric, but we laughed out loud despite our highly evolved selves.

Go on, laugh a little. Because if you don't, you end up like this: