Elizabeth Warren wants to show you how much she loves you

Maybe it's the glasses wearing nerd in me, but I've got a big ol' crush on Ms. Warren. Smart gals in high government positions, hubba hubba.

Hey young lady, what do you want for Christmas?

"I just want to rub your Buddha belly Dr. Monkey."

"I want my top to stop falling off. It only happens when good looking guys and monkeys with doctorates are around me."

"I want to be untied so I can throw my shoes and a brick at that dunderheaded President of yours."

"Oh great, since I'm the yoga chick I get to say that I want all that peace and harmony on earth sutff. Well, okay, I want that stuff but I also want a Mercedes Benz too. And I want the high keening sound in my head to stop."

"I want another pair of these boots that I've got on. Only this time, I want some in white leather."

She's a pistol that 1968 girlfriend of mine

She plays with toy cars, which I would really have dug in 1968.

And she hung out with guys in 1968 who look kind of like I do now.

Sure, she's one heck of an imaginary girlfriend but she can't hold a candle to my real life one.

My 1968 girlfriend has a note she wants to show you

Interviewed by a Bee

No, not by that kind of bee,

by Freida Bee.

Question 1: When you were seventeen years old, Monkey Boy, assuming I was not the ten year-old I likely was, where would you have taken me on a date?

I would have probably taken you to The Patio which was a drive-in in Lee County. We would have dined on burgers and fries. After dinner we would have smoked a joint and rode to Red's, which was the only place I could have bought beer or Boone's Farm wine. With our buzz on we would have gone bowling or back to the family farm on Wallen's creek where I would have made a clumsy move to kiss you which you would have rebuffed thus sending me into a tailspin of no confidence over girls and dating for years to come. Of course I would have bragged to all my friends the next day that you and I totally "did it." Yes, I was an ass back then. Well, to be honest I'm still an ass today, but a different kind of ass.

Question 2: If you had a time capsule thingy, what 10 items (besides your Crunky and canned meats) would you store in there for future generations to find so they could get a glimpse of the man who made sweet Monkey Muck?

1) An empty pack of Marlboro Lights. I was a smoker for years but when I had my heart attack I quit them cold turkey. I had a pack and a half a day habit but I just stopped when they put that stent in me, so I'd put the empty pack in to prove quitting without supporting the big pharma companies can be done.

2) My Xbox. When I can't sleep or when it's cold and windy or too hot to go outside I play EA Sports baseball, 2004 edition, Outlaw Golf 2, Outlaw Tennis, and Destroy All Humans! Though not all at the same time mind you.

3) My copy of Even Cowgirls Get the Blues and a copy of Slaughterhouse 5.

4) All my Elvis Costello and Nick Lowe CD's but no CD player.

5) A polo shirt.

6) My soft cotton khaki pants.

7) My globe.

8) My copies of International Socialist Review.

9) A can of Black Cherry Cherish organic soda.

10) A package of Newman's Own organic chocolate creme cookies.

Question 3: ¿Why should I give you my vote for President, Señor Mono?

Because I am the only candidate with a plan to put America back on track. I invite you to look at my posts about health care (I favor universal single payer not for profit health care for all.), about immigration (I support opening all borders everywhere so anyone can live and work where they choose.), and about how we can end the war and end terrorism forever (See "Damn that was some good shit" in the side bar and you'll find the piece to which I refer.). My blogger opponents offer nothing but snide snark and crudely written fanciful diatribes against me.

And you should vote for me because I will let you and Annie Sprinkle hang out in the White House any time you want, provided I am around to hang with you that is.

Question 4: Dr. Monkey von Muckerweinerschtein, how would you summarize your blog in a limerick?

There once was a blog written by a male Monkey,

and the subject matter was, at times, a bit funky.

He tried to give you some laughs

while pointing out some Presidential gaffes,

and offering you a bite of his Crunky.

Question 5: If you wrote an autobiography, what would the title be and how would the last paragraph read?

Compassion and Contempt: The Two Sides of a Modern Monkey

"I can't say I always tried my best or that I treated everyone good at all times but I can say I've had a hell of a ride and hell of a lot of laughs. If I had to do it all over again I wouldn't change a thing except I wouldn't have gone to see First Blood so many times."

Thanks for asking such great questions Ms. Bee. It was a treat answering them. I apologize for taking so long in answering them.

If you'd like to be interviewed by me let me know in the comments section.

Oh, and Ms. Bee, forgive my tardiness in getting that thing to you in the mail, I promise it will go out this week.

Something special for my 300th post

One morning earlier in the spring, I had to go out to buy some markers and foam core board to make some signs for me and my girlfriend to take to the anti war protest the next day. While I was out, I stopped by Circuit City to see if I could find a low price copy of The Adventures of Baron Munchhausen on DVD. Of course they did not have what I was looking for so I walked through the video games aisle and I found and bought this game:

I went home, got out our big letter stencil sheets and began making our signs. I made one that said, "END THE WAR OF TERROR" and I was workng on one that said, "WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO THOU SHALL NOT KILL?" when my girlfriend came home for lunch.

She asked what I was doing and I told her I was making signs for the next days protest. She picked up my little bag from Circuit City and she said, "What's this?"

I replied, "It's a video game."

She took it out and looked at it. After rolling her eyes she said, "Do you not see the irony here?"