Guess who's back, back again

Ahhh, now that Sparky has gone to work and I've got Monkey Central all to my self I can relax a bit and sneak a smoke. Ahhhhhhh, sweet sweet tobacco, how I've missed you since my heart attack. Yesssss, inhale deeply and exhale slowly. Oh sweet jeebus how I've missed smoking. Huh? What's that noise? It sounds like a small child is hurtling itself at my front door. I better go check it out. Holy crap, it's my canine buddy Chester Cheesy Poof! What's up boy? Why have you come to see me?

Grrrr. Ruff, ruff. Arff. Bark. Bark. Ruff, ruff arf.

No this isn't a cigarette. Oh ok, yes it is. I'll put it out. Happy now?

Ruff, ruff ruff, bark arf arf arf.

Oh my gosh! Are you kidding me Chester? Has Bush McCain really suspended his campaign in the light of the economic meltdown that he helped create? You mean he's backing down like a spineless little ninny baby?

Ruff, ruff, arf arf bark bark.

No Chester, I couldn't possibly get back into the Presidential campaign, I've been off the campaign trail for over a month now. I've got other things to do.

Arf, bark, arf arf arf?

Well if you must know, I've got to finish reading War and Peace. I've got to finish those paint by number paintings, learn to waltz, train a bear to do some unnecessary highly invasive exploratory surgery, memorize my multiplication tables, make a list of things I need to forget to do today, and subdue my newest mortal enemy Nicolette Fury:So as you can see Chester I don't have time to run for President again. And besides my running mate is pissed about how I dropped out of the campaign without telling her. How can I run with out my girl Kristi in my corner?

Arf, arf, bark, bark! Arf, ruff, ruff ruff arf!

Holy crap, you're right Chester. I can't turn my back on my country now, I've got to get back in this race so that I can win it and save the USA from stupid politicians who are about to sell us out to the Wall Street fat cats once again! I've got to go warm up the hoverpod!Arf ruff ruff ruff arf! Ruff, bark bark. Ruff ruff.

Good idea Chester! You go tell Kristi that we're back in the race and to meet me in Oxford Mississippi the site of the first Presidential debate while I go do the rounds on the TV talks shows. Tell her I'll see her on Friday and tell her we're in this to win this!

Arf, arf, bark! Bark bark bark. Arf ruff ruff.

Oh that's just fat Elvis, don't worry he's harmless. He won't eat you. At least I think he won't. Now run Chester run!

Zaius, Dr. Smith, and Diva Jood better watch out because Monkey/Love is back! And we're out to kick some ass!

One more day!

It's Friday! And it's not just any Friday, it's the last Friday before we leave for the beach in the morning! Yay! Yay beach! Yay vacation!

I'm gonna be honest with you kids, I really don't need a vacation but my girlfriend does. And if we don't go tomorrow she may kill me. Sure, she'd feel bad about offing me and she'd get pissed because she'd have to learn how to use all the complicated remotes but she'd do me in in a heartbeat if she did not get a break from her work. While our last get away was not very relaxing for her, this one should be.

For starters we rented a condo at the beach from a nice woman who we've rented through before so we know the place will be nice. And even though we're taking the gf's parents with us, and her sister as well, they all like the beach and we all get along great together. Well except for her mother has a habit of trying to remain the queen bee in the kitchen even if someone else is cooking. I have to shoo her out repeatedly when I cook but if that's the only problem I have all week next week then I'll be doing peachy. We're taking her folks because they like going to the beach, her dad loves to surf fish, but they are getting on up there in age and they don't want to chance a long drive by themselves anymore. Her sister is going with us because she likes the beach as well and she volunteered to drive the folks in their Jeep Cherokee so that means we can drive the gfmobile, the ScionXA. All of us went to the beach last year at this time of year and we all had a great time together, especially me and her sister because she and I both caught the biggest fish we had ever caught in our lives, they were both four/five pound sheepshead fish. I'll miss blogging for the week but we all have to make sacrifices to keep our significant others happy some times. I know the world may go to down the toilet with Bush running our country into the ground (holy shit did I just mix metaphors?) but I trust all of you to write your usual sparklingly good posts about politics and life and I'll read them when I get back. I do love going to the ocean and I look forward to bobbing in the waves, getting sand all over my feet and in most every body cavity I have, sitting on the beach and reading books as the tide goes in and out, and I love long walks down the beach. Wow, I just read that last sentence aloud and I sound like a Playboy Playmate. I'll be taking the digital camera so I'll be taking lots of pics too and some will end up here of course, no matter how much you may not want to see them.

Oh and I won't be the only blogger Presidential candidate taking a break this week. Dr Smith is attending the NAMBLA convention in Climax, Georgia. Jon the intergalactic space pony will be hanging out in the Crab Nebula. Phydeaux will be cowering under his trailer while the hounds from the North Carolina State Troopers office sniff around his compound for weed and peyote buttons. Sleestax will be working double shifts at the Orange Julius in Hell, Michigan while he plots to spread more lies about me. And Dr. Zaius will be doing what he loves best, lobotomizing marginally talented B list celebs.

Ah well, at least I'll be having fun in the sun with the people I like best.

Just a quick word

Greetings to the working proletariat everywhere! I just wanted to tell you that all the rumors spread by noted cheese addict and glue sniffer Jess Wundrun are false as the day is long in Alaska during the summer time! She and her simian sidekick Dr. Zaius have been using their blogs to spread the lie that I have been in quarantine for biting someone in Madison, Wisconsin.

Yes, it's true I did bite someone in Madison, it was an annoying Republican who was saying bad things about Russ Feingold, but I was not subsequently quarantined. Instead I was whisked off to the Wisconsin Dells where I met and networked with some of my upper Midwest supporters. And I'd like to give my hard working agent provocateurs, oops, I mean my socialist cadres, oh crap, I mean my new BFF's in Wisconsin and Minnesota a special shout out! Here's to you Suzy, Whiskey Marie, and Missy! Thanks for all the fried foods on sticks and the butter covered everythings.

So now that I have addressed the lies and fantasies of Ms. Wundrun, I must now address what could become a festering boil of a situation. I seemed to have made a young man cry earlier today. He left me some comments in my comments section on other posts and I was a bit rude to him and he's spent the rest of the day softly sobbing in his room near Niagara Falls. Ok, I'm sorry. There, I said it. Ok? All better now? I was still pissed over my shitty internet service and I may have taken some of that anger out on you. I'm sorry and I swear I'll try to do better. Now give yourself a hug and know that it's from me. Ok, stop touching yourself now. I mean it. You'll go blind if you don't. Oh wait. That's not true, I haven't gone blind yet. But seriously, stop touching yourself for awhile.

Now because I need to use up all these pictures of people in red fezzes, I present them and their comments unedited.

"Hello! If Dr. Monkey is elected and we finally get single payer universal health insurance I can get this furry growth removed! I'm begging all of you to vote Monkerstein/David in 2008."

"Umm, my friend and I are not drunk enough to have a threesome with you yet Monkey boy, now go buy us a quart of vodka and we'll see if that does the trick."

"Heh, heh, heh, I like Laurie David. I'd like to touch her boobies."


"My sideburns scream for justice."

"Voting for anyone but Monkerstein/David is treason!"

Well said young man. That's all for now, I really must be going now. It's been over 90 for three weeks straight here and I must go cool off in the pool. I'll talk to all of you later! Right now it's cannonball time!

It's never too early to start that Christmas shopping

Here's a few suggestions for some great holiday gifts your friends and family will love.

What cook wouldn't want this great pan?

All the ladies love shoes.

Mmmm, imagine the smiles on the kids faces when they see you've gotten them Luncheon Loaf once again!


Drinko the family game that all Australians love to play is now available in America!


Don't forget, everyone looks great in a Monkerstein/David 2008 red fez!

Or you can give your loved ones a heaping bowl full of me! (Be aware that I come with some terms and limitations and I am not avaiable for shipment to the following states: Washington, Alabama, Mississippi, Psychotic, and Delusional.)

A great compromise

What's up my fellow Americans? Is it hot enough for you? Seriously, it's so hot that my tail melted the other day. It's so hot here that I saw a Republican State legislator from Florida blowing a black guy the other day and he was using a fan this time! It's so hot in Washington DC that Bush Jr. decided to invade Antarctica for the ice!

Boo ya! Take that Georgie W! That's how you open a speech with a joke!

I won't keep you long America. I just wanted to have a few words with you and then you can run off to get cool or to do whatever it is you have to do today.

You know Mister and Mrs. John Q. Citizen, it's not all fun and games here at el Casa de Monkey HQ during this current campaign lull. Samurai Frog, my running mate Laurie David, and I are hard at work. It's not all glittering parties, skinny dipping with Lindsay Lohan, vomiting up our last meal with Nichole Ritchie, and giving David Beckham a 'Brazilian' every time he turns around, oh no. We're monitoring our opponents and we're keeping an eye on the idiot who is currently occupying my or Dennis Kucinich's next home.

What? We need to relax and have some fun too! I swear we're just running mates that's all!

I see where the Chickenhawk in Chief came out in support of lowering corporate taxes the other day, he said we need to do it to make American companies more competitive around the world. When I stopped laughing so hard I decided that to show you how different I am from him I offer up a compromise.

Remember the word 'compromise' is not in Bush and his Reich wing buddies vocabularies. To him compromise means that you agree with everything he says and wants and you do it quick. The Reich wingers want us all to fight amongst ourselves like this:

So that they can continue to rape our country and bleed us dry of our paychecks and our pride.

I am not willing to cut any tax on any corporation in America, in fact some of them will pay much higher taxes under my administration, it's time they pulled their weight and shouldered their share of the burden. But I am willing to do something to save all businesses, both large and small, billions of dollars. And that something is I will take the burden of health insurance off them forever. They will no longer have to provide any health insurance to their employees whatsoever because under my administration we will provide universal single payer not for profit health care coverage for every American. Without the burden of having to pay for the inequitable broken health care system that is plaguing us today, the corporations and all businesses will save billions in the long run. They will also save because our new health care system will focus on prevention, therefore more and more people will not be getting sick, and employees will be more productive because they will not have to worry about how to pay for their family's health insurance and they won't have to stress out when a family member gets sick.

The other night I heard on Democracy Now! a part of an interview with a Canadian journalist. He spoke about how the national health plan in Canada amounts to a huge subsidy for all businesses and since they don't have to funnel money into private insurers bank accounts to pay for crappy private health insurance, the businesses and corporations in Canada can remain competitive. Makes sense doesn't it? A country taking care of it's citizens first and because they did so the businesses can stay competitive and keep their economy humming.

How do we pay for this plan you are probably asking. We pay for it by rolling back the Bush tax cuts, by taxing the wealthy even more (it is only fair they pay to help insure the people that made them wealthy and that they exploited in the first place), by raising taxes on the corporations, by ending the prohibition on growing and cultivating hemp, by legalizing marijuana and taxing it like we do alcohol, and by having a national bake/yard/rummage sale. I volunteer to make some brownies and my back issues of Granta will be available for purchase!

Yes, I know, I've done it again. I've solved another huge problem that is facing this country. As always my Nobel Prize acceptance speech is ready to be given as soon as they award me my prize and their check clears my bank.

Now, if you all will excuse me, I'm going to play with my pussy for a while and I hope I don't pull my groin while I do it.

Stop the lies!

...and then I said, "No babe, that really is a sausage!" Oh hi. I didn't see you all there, sorry. I was just telling that sexist joke to illustrate the point that jokes like that are bad, yeah that's it, bad.


I know it's hot and humid so I won't keep you all here long. I asked you all here so I could clear up some misunderstandings and so I could refute some lies that have hit the campaign trail harder than Lindsey Lohan hits her crack pipe.


My rival Sleestak has dug up some information that he thinks will damage my campaign to restore America to greatness. He's found out when I was younger that I embraced Communism. But he's actually wrong. What I embraced was Marxism, not Soviet style Communism.
Yes, this is an old poster from my college days. All of us experimented in college one way or another. Some of you tried homosexuality, some tired baking, others went in for macrame, and a few of you were 'one toke over the line Sweet Jeebus' a time or two as the kids today say. It just so happens that I experimented with Marxism because I was in love with a young hot Marxist girl. Here is her picture:

Trust me she used to be a knockout. Alas she rebuffed me and I left my Marxism behind when she did so. So now you can see that I am not a Marxist, unless you count liking the Marx Brothers as being a bad thing. I am committed to the principles of the Constitution and I will enforce those principles on behalf of all Americans.

And now lets hear what some regular citizens who are not paid campaign shills have to say about me and my past:

"Dr. Monkey's past is in the past and whatever he did back then is cool with me. I think Sleestak is grasping at straws and if Dr. Monkey were here I'd press my boobies up against him like this...."

"The Monkerstein campaign must not be derailed by the running dog lackeys of the upper classes. Our revolutionary cadres must remain ideologically pure!"

"Evil Spock will not consent to be interviewed at this time because Evil Spock is chafing badly from today's bike ride. Now unless you are prepared to powder Evil Spock's nether regions, then Evil Spock suggests you get out of Evil Spock's living quarters."

"Wooooooo hooooooo, I'm so drunk. Has the whole world tipped over or something? Or is it just me?"

"Please go away, I finally got this guy to go out with me and I am not going to seduce him with your stupid asses around. Leave us alone."

As you can plainly see America stands behind me. They still support me in my bid to become your leader. Don't forget to vote Kucinich but be ready to vote for me if Special K is not nominated.

It's a Evil Spock-tastic day here at Monkerstein Campaign HQ

In the spirit of my new feature Two for Tuesday Evil Spock has pulled off quite possibly the best Twofer in the history of mankind!

He showed up this afternoon at Monkerstein/David 2008 HQ and he was wearing the now legendary Monkey Party Fez! Calm down ladies, Evil Spock came to see the lovely Ms. David, Samurai Frog, and I to discuss our campaign. He will be involved in high level talks with us until the wee small hours of the night or until all the hard liquor has been drunk.

His appearance at our humble campaign HQ in Monkey Party Fez was not enough, oh no. That's why the greatness of Evil Spock runs so deep and strong. You see ladies and gentlemen, Evil Spock has done what many said was impossible, he has found our Crunky! After many a long day and lonely night without our Crunky, it's now back! And it's all due to Evil Spock!We get our Crunky back and we get to get drunk, oops, I mean have high level talks with Evil Spock too! How feckin' great is that?

To show our gratitude, we flew in one of Evil Spock's favorite actresses, the fabulous Gong Li. Ms. Li was a bit shocked and bleary eyed after her kidnapping, oops, I mean after her flight over here, but she quickly warmed up to the notion of having wild passionate sex with, oops, I mean chatting with Evil Spock until the wee small hours or until the hard liquor runs out.

Long live Evil Spock! Long live my campaign! Long live our Crunky! And especially, long live Gong Li! And long live the exclamation point!

The people speak with one voice

And with that voice they shout, "Monkerstein for President in 2008!"

Here is another random sampling of Monkerstein supporters from across the country and their words of praise for me:

"Yo, Dr. Monkey dude, I dig your position on immigration. It will make our country stronger and it will increase the chances that I will score with a hot Latino gal. Now could someone pull my finger? I'm dying to cut one."
"Meow, meow, meow, meow, salmon, meow, meow, meow."

"Yee haa ya'll! I'm Missy Mandy Brittany Ashley Bledsoe Jr. and I'm president of the UT Vols for Monkerstein. We love the Monkey here in Knoxville and we cain't wait for him to be our next President. Oh, ain't he cute too? All us college girls love him!"

"These horns are real. I am a mutant freak and I should not be alive. I was one of Dr. Zaius's experiments gone wrong. Please for the love of all that is holy, kill me now. Give me the sweet release of death."

"I cut off my pant leg to show how much I love Dr. Monkerstein. So what if it also might get me laid by this beardy guy here? Can't a gal get a little while she supports the Monkerstein campaign?"

"I found this American boy wandering in my neighborhood in Istanbul. I love him and I am keeping him. Our love burns bright, almost as bright as the shining Monkerstein campaign to lead America back to greatness. Now please go away and leave Jimmy and I alone."

"I will kick your ass and break your nose on my washboard abs if you try to put that feckin' fez on me again. I'm serious. What's that? You want to try me? Well bring it on tough guy."

If you all will excuse me now, I must attend to that young lady.

Monkerstein Supporters Fight Back!

My fellow Americans, as you can see I am trying to relax a bit before we begin a big campaign swing through this great nation of ours. While I may be enjoying the pleasures of Martha's Vineyard you can rest assured I am keeping up with the lies, slander, and general poopiness that my rivals are throwing at me. I am not the only one either many of my supporters also have seen the perfidy of my rivals and they wanted to speak out against them so that I may rest and relax a few more days. So with out further adieu, I bring you some of my loyal supporters who have a few words for my rivals.


"Hi. I'm alternative film darling Lilly Taylor's sister Billy. It pisses me off that Sleestak is attacking Dr. Monkey and saying that he sexually harasses women. That is so untrue. Dr. Monkey's raw animal magnetism and virile odor make it impossible for any woman who is close to him to not want to rip his clothes off and ride him like a three wheeled Mercedes. He's just soooo hot us gals can't help ourselves. Sleestak should shut up and let Dr. Monkey spend a weekend with those Hayley clones of his and then they might get satisfied like some of us have already. In fact, I'm gonna walk like an Egyptian until he does just that."


"Hi. I'm Belle Undsebastian. Did you know that Phydeaux's running mate is a cat? And that Phydeaux is a Communist? And a practitioner of the black art of dentistry? If he gets elected that cat will pee everywhere and Phydeaux will pull all our teeth until we give him all our money. It's sick I tell ya, just sick."


"Hi, Bobby Wells here. I'm head of Kids for Monkerstein. My folks won't let me watch Lost in Space anymore because Dr. Smith is a time travelling sexual predator and he smells funny. Also Dr. Smith wants to give all washed up kid actors tax breaks. Can you imagine what Lisa Welchel, Blair from Facts of Life, would do if she had more money in her pocket? That ho would give it to Jesus or something and I might not get that neat-o interstate off ramp built near my house because of that. How bad would that suck?"

"Hi, we're the Swansons and the Jensens. We're the head couples in the Swingers for Monkerstein Club. Did you all know that if Zaius is elected that he will outlaw swinging, interspecies romance, and bingo on Indian reservations? Hell if we lose bingo here in Oklahoma then no one will ever come visit us and then where will we be? We'll tell ya where, just sitting here not having sex with people we ain't married to while we wait for a twister to rip through and bring us all the sweet release of death that's where! Vote for Dr. Monkey and Laurie David, they'll keep bingo a goin' and the freak flag a flyin'."


This message was brought to you by the Monkerstein/David 2008 Campaign and in no way were any of these people under any sort of mind control by Dr. Monkey when statements were made.