A word of warning

Don't ever assume that your emails with Dr. Zaius are private. I made that mistake once but rest assured it will never happen again. He's got his nose out of joint over this secret Santa business because I guess he's got nothing else to do or has nothing else going on in his life. If you go over and read the post where he reprints my emails to him without my permission, here is the comment I have left on it:

Thanks for removing my comment. And thanks again for putting up what I thought were private emails. You stay classy Dr. Zaius!

If he holds true to form so far then he'll delete my comment in short order. But he can't delete this post. It's sad when blogging heroes crash and burn over something so stupid as this. Ah well, I bear him no ill will, except for violating my email trust, and I wish him a happy and joyous holiday season.

Aiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeie!

Somebody help me! Dr. Zaius shot me with some kind of skin melting shrinking ray!

These happy days are yours and mine

The Queen of Halloween costumes who is a smokin' hottie all year 'round, Miss Alex, who writes the blog Fonzie Sox seems to like the stuff I churn out here every day. Miss Thang likes it so much that she gave me this award last week:
I'm always honored to be honored by my fellow bloggers and it's especially nice to be honored by one so smokin' as she is. From the bottom of my heart, thank you Miss Alex.

The deal is I'm supposed to post the rules about this award but I'm not going to. I may be a stickler when it comes to playing games by the rules but blog memes not so much. However I will go ahead and pass this one to five other bloggers. I hereby award this award to:

1. Samurai Frog for his incisive and well reasoned political posts and for his posts of hot starlets.
2. The Washington DC party animal and ape who's blog inspired me to start this blog, Dr. Zaius, gets this award also.
3. Johnny Yen gets this award for having the good sense to have the Evil Dictator as his son and for marrying Kim.
4. Bubs gets one for being hillbilly adrift in a world that he never made.
5. And finally Katie Schwartz gets one because when she's "on," no one makes me laugh harder.

Thanks again Alex for my award!

Dr. Zaius...

...for all you do, this one's for you.

I'm the only simian you can trust

I went to visit my rival Dr. Zaius recently, he lured me there under the pretext of free banana daiquiris and some intelligent political discourse but as soon as I got to his hellish hideaway he reached into his bag of mind control tricks and he nearly pulled out my small simian brain.

While he was unsuccessful in yanking out my brain, he was indeed successful in putting a lobotomy fez on me and he and his running mate Germaine Gregarious began making me dance and strut like an Osmond brother on PCP.  Luckily the wind blew his evil fez off me and I was able to regain my bearings.  But a curious after effect of having his fez of doom on me was that I now saw him and his running mate as they truly were.  I'm sad to say that Zaius looked much the same, with the exception of a his big pot belly that he got from eating all those second slices of chocolate cake.  His running mate on the other hand looks like this in real life:The sight of her shook me to my simian soul.  I was so badly traumatized that I took smoking back up for a day or so.
But things calmed down for me after I left the Zaius compound and I hooked back up with my home girl Kristi.  She "debriefed" me and now I'm back in the driver's seat and I'm ready for action.

On the blogger campaign trail

Here's a quick update on what some of the blogger Presidential candidates are up to these days:

Dr. Smith is fomenting unrest in Asheville, NC:

Hillary "Mrs. Robinson" Clinton admits she digs The Evil Dictator: This sign has been popping up a lot lately:
And it's sad but true that Dick Cheney had this to say about Dr. Zaius the other day:
Meanwhile Barack Obama sent us this message via esp:
Okay, that's all for now. I've got to run. I'm off to patch things up with Ubermilf. I do hope she will accept this tray of sweets along with my apologies for hurting her feelings.

Dance Monkey, Dance

When things get too hectic out there on the campaign trail my running mate and I enjoy doing some modern dancing. It calms us down and relaxes us. What do our opponents do to calm down and relax at the end of a long day?

• Dr. Zaius performs lobotomies.
• Dr. Smith enjoys a bracing game of "pop the zit."
• The iSplotchy gets stoned.
• The Evil Dictator sits naked and giggles like a school girl hopped up on Cherry Coke and Twinkies while he watches FOX News .
• I forgot who the rest of the losers were who are running against us but they do bad bad stuff to "relax." Stuff like drown little animals and patronize truck stop hookers.

Monkey/Love are the lords of the dance and your only sane choice to lead this country back to greatness.

Quick Campaign Round Up

Hello America, I just wanted to let you know that while those ass clowns in the two major parties are tramping around Iowa Kristi and I have been hard at work out on the campaign trail. We shot those great Tampax ads and we're now on a "listening" tour of bars and gourmet restaurants across the country. Not to worry though, we got our eyes and ears on the other campaigns as well.Here are a couple of our Monkey/Love 2008 operatives at a recent Dr. Zaius rally. They took this troubling photo:

Why would this woman be screaming and running away from the rest of Zaius's followers?

Because Zaius was serving these as snacks at his rally:

He claims to like pie, but he serves "hot dogs" to his followers.

Dr. Zaius is wrong on pets and he's wrong for America too.

Vote Monkey/Love in 2008!

It took a Christmas miracle to bring us together

My main Presidential rival and I have put aside our differences this holiday season to bring you something special, a secret Santa event! We invite any of you who would like to be involved to find out more about it here.The Simian Secret Santa event is open to all peoples of all faiths, creeds, and sexual persuasions, however Belgians need not apply. Oh ok, we'll even let them in if they want, it is Christmas after all.


Happy holidays everybody!

Audacious Underpantsatorium Antics Unmasked At Last!

It's been quite a week here on the campaign trail kids, and I almost didn't live long enough to tell you all about it. The week started off nicely, my running mate and I were sharing a private moment in which we were discussing human sexuality issues. But something soon shattered our hot and heavy discussions. News had come in to Monkey Central that one of our spies inside one of Zaius/Gregarious underpantsatoriums was in danger of being unmasked and facing torture, a possible lobotomy, or worse, Zaius was threatening to force our spy to listen to Wayne Newton albums over and over.
I did what any patriotic monkey would have done, I told my running mate to stay here in the safety of the USA and I darted off the small island off Thailand where Zaius had outsourced his brainwashing station/underpantsatorium. Upon arrival I wormed my way into a convoy of Europeans who were on holiday and I slipped into the Zaius compound undetected.
I quickly found out that Germaine Gregarious had hired Asian super criminal Lo Fat to trap unsuspecting children to work in Zaius's latest evil scheme to over throw mankind.
Lo Fat lures the children to Zaius's island by promising them they will get all the Crunky they can eat. Of course that career criminal only has one good Crunky bar and if the children get any Crunky at all they are given Sawdust flavor Crunky and they must wash it down with soda that is made from the bitter tears they shed after finding out that they've been duped.

I was able to speak with a young lad was was escaping just as I was arriving. He said, "Yeah boss, Zaius works our little asses off and we only get like four or five minutes sleep a night. In addition to our underpants duties we also have to answer phones and do customer service work for major USA cable and computer companies. Some of the younger kids crack under the pressure and they cry a lot, that drives that Germaine broad crazy. She hates kids like evangelicals hate two guys who love each other. Me, if I hadn't taken up smoking I'd have never made it out alive. I'm on my way to America to meet my real father, Zaius told me his name was Evil Spock. Do you know him?"


My heart broke for this little guy. I knew Evil Spock wasn't his dad but I couldn't very well crush his dream right then could I? Of course not, so I patted him on the head and I let him stand guard by my boat while I went in to tend to matters inside.
Zaius was just then indoctrinating a new crop of kids. He was filling their little heads with all his lies and underpants nonsense. And as he was expelling his venomous views, his running mate was giving assorted women crabs.
And bad purses too. Oh the horror.


I snuck around looking for my spy. I snuck past room upon room of children being forced to learn about underpants and how to give lobotomies to unsuspecting people while they slept. I was horrified but I swallowed my terror and I continued my mission. I was about to give up and write off my spy as another causality of the Zaius/Gregarious mind control menace when I heard a giggle coming from behind a closed door. I picked the lock and I crept in the room.

Inside the room was my spy! Little Tran Tan Tang, or as she is known in the spy biz, T Cubed, was tied to a chair and was being forced to watch old Andy Williams Christmas specials. I untied her and she said, "You number one G I Joe! You not number two, you number one!" Damn that Zaius! He had brainwashed her into believing she was in Vietnam in 1968. I picked up my little trooper and I rushed her out. She and I and Smoking Boy all jumped into my speed boat and we sailed back home. I was able to debrief them both and I found them suitable Jungian psychiatrists to help them recover from their orangutan induced trauma. T Cubed is back with her family and they have also taken in Smoking Boy too.

So after all that excitement I'm just gonna hang loose and wash my car this weekend.

Exposed!

It seems Wisconsin blogger and all around busybody Jess Wundrun has been hiding a little secret from the world for the past few months. Remember her little "hiatus" she took? She claimed that she had "bloggers block" and needed to get away for a bit, well, it turns out that she actually went into the jungle to give birth during that time! After a bit of digging a Monkey/Love campaign operative dug up this photo of Ms. Wundrun with her lover Dr. Zaius and their love child! That's right, these two have been canoodling in private while deceiving the world in public! It all makes sense now doesn't it? Now we see the reason for all those baseless attacks on me and my campaign. Shame on you two! Stop hiding your illicit romance and tell the truth for once!

Just a quick word

Greetings to the working proletariat everywhere! I just wanted to tell you that all the rumors spread by noted cheese addict and glue sniffer Jess Wundrun are false as the day is long in Alaska during the summer time! She and her simian sidekick Dr. Zaius have been using their blogs to spread the lie that I have been in quarantine for biting someone in Madison, Wisconsin.

Yes, it's true I did bite someone in Madison, it was an annoying Republican who was saying bad things about Russ Feingold, but I was not subsequently quarantined. Instead I was whisked off to the Wisconsin Dells where I met and networked with some of my upper Midwest supporters. And I'd like to give my hard working agent provocateurs, oops, I mean my socialist cadres, oh crap, I mean my new BFF's in Wisconsin and Minnesota a special shout out! Here's to you Suzy, Whiskey Marie, and Missy! Thanks for all the fried foods on sticks and the butter covered everythings.

So now that I have addressed the lies and fantasies of Ms. Wundrun, I must now address what could become a festering boil of a situation. I seemed to have made a young man cry earlier today. He left me some comments in my comments section on other posts and I was a bit rude to him and he's spent the rest of the day softly sobbing in his room near Niagara Falls. Ok, I'm sorry. There, I said it. Ok? All better now? I was still pissed over my shitty internet service and I may have taken some of that anger out on you. I'm sorry and I swear I'll try to do better. Now give yourself a hug and know that it's from me. Ok, stop touching yourself now. I mean it. You'll go blind if you don't. Oh wait. That's not true, I haven't gone blind yet. But seriously, stop touching yourself for awhile.

Now because I need to use up all these pictures of people in red fezzes, I present them and their comments unedited.

"Hello! If Dr. Monkey is elected and we finally get single payer universal health insurance I can get this furry growth removed! I'm begging all of you to vote Monkerstein/David in 2008."

"Umm, my friend and I are not drunk enough to have a threesome with you yet Monkey boy, now go buy us a quart of vodka and we'll see if that does the trick."

"Heh, heh, heh, I like Laurie David. I'd like to touch her boobies."


"My sideburns scream for justice."

"Voting for anyone but Monkerstein/David is treason!"

Well said young man. That's all for now, I really must be going now. It's been over 90 for three weeks straight here and I must go cool off in the pool. I'll talk to all of you later! Right now it's cannonball time!

It will never sink in

I was listening to This American Life in the car the other day and I heard yet another media type slam bloggers and blogging. He was interviewing some other equally clueless guy about something and this interviewer said, "Surely you know about the bloggers, they write and write, and write on their blogs. God knows why though since they don't get paid for it."

I thought to myself, "The corporate press does not and will not ever get it." With their corporate worldview and mentality the only things worth doing are those that you get paid for. And the only voices we should listen to are those of the stooges who are being paid to tell us things.

Well sorry old dude, I got news for you, you and your corporate media pals have had your run and we don't pay much attention to what you are being paid to tell us anymore. I get my news off the net these days and I have for quite some time. Since all news is delivered through someone's filter I'd rather get mine from websites that cater to my political leanings. I could care less about Wal-Mart or Bank of America and what they sponsor on your news shows. I'll stick to getting my news from Raw Story, Think Progress, Huffington Post, The Nation, Mother Jones, and when I want commentary on the news stories of the day then I'll turn to my blogging buddies because after all they are more like me than you multi-millionaire talking heads are.


Blue Gal puts things into perspective in one post better than you TV guys do in 24 hours, D Cup breaks things down in a paragraph or two better than you guys do in all those newspapers, Dr. Zaius tells me more with a photoshopped picture and a comment or two than you guys ever did. And since they live out here in the real world with me I'm gonna stick with them.


I had little respect for this douchebag to begin with but when he cried about bloggers being taken more seriously than him, I lost what little respect I had remaining for him. Sure Brian, you spent your life in journalism but you know what else? You been paid to do the news. I'd rather get my news and opinion from someone who is not beholden to GE or Microsoft or Coca Cola.


It will never sink in on their dinosaur brains that we write our blogs for ourselves and if others read them and get influenced by what we write or get active in their community because of what we write or we decide we are fed up and we are gonna make the changes we want and not the changes the multi national corporations want us to make, then that's a good thing. If I can make one person see the light and they do something to help someone else, to help stop climate change, to help get a progressive elected, to stop shopping at Wal-Mart, to help bring single payer universal health care to this country, then I've done something pretty fucking good. They'll never understand why we stopped listening to them and why we started to make up our own minds.

I may be a cranky middle aged white guy but I am sick and tired of rich white guys on TV telling me what I should do, how to think, what to buy, where to shop, and who to vote for. I'm sick and tired of them slamming us for having the gall to not listen to them and to think and organize for ourselves.

Monkerstein Supporters Fight Back!

My fellow Americans, as you can see I am trying to relax a bit before we begin a big campaign swing through this great nation of ours. While I may be enjoying the pleasures of Martha's Vineyard you can rest assured I am keeping up with the lies, slander, and general poopiness that my rivals are throwing at me. I am not the only one either many of my supporters also have seen the perfidy of my rivals and they wanted to speak out against them so that I may rest and relax a few more days. So with out further adieu, I bring you some of my loyal supporters who have a few words for my rivals.


"Hi. I'm alternative film darling Lilly Taylor's sister Billy. It pisses me off that Sleestak is attacking Dr. Monkey and saying that he sexually harasses women. That is so untrue. Dr. Monkey's raw animal magnetism and virile odor make it impossible for any woman who is close to him to not want to rip his clothes off and ride him like a three wheeled Mercedes. He's just soooo hot us gals can't help ourselves. Sleestak should shut up and let Dr. Monkey spend a weekend with those Hayley clones of his and then they might get satisfied like some of us have already. In fact, I'm gonna walk like an Egyptian until he does just that."


"Hi. I'm Belle Undsebastian. Did you know that Phydeaux's running mate is a cat? And that Phydeaux is a Communist? And a practitioner of the black art of dentistry? If he gets elected that cat will pee everywhere and Phydeaux will pull all our teeth until we give him all our money. It's sick I tell ya, just sick."


"Hi, Bobby Wells here. I'm head of Kids for Monkerstein. My folks won't let me watch Lost in Space anymore because Dr. Smith is a time travelling sexual predator and he smells funny. Also Dr. Smith wants to give all washed up kid actors tax breaks. Can you imagine what Lisa Welchel, Blair from Facts of Life, would do if she had more money in her pocket? That ho would give it to Jesus or something and I might not get that neat-o interstate off ramp built near my house because of that. How bad would that suck?"

"Hi, we're the Swansons and the Jensens. We're the head couples in the Swingers for Monkerstein Club. Did you all know that if Zaius is elected that he will outlaw swinging, interspecies romance, and bingo on Indian reservations? Hell if we lose bingo here in Oklahoma then no one will ever come visit us and then where will we be? We'll tell ya where, just sitting here not having sex with people we ain't married to while we wait for a twister to rip through and bring us all the sweet release of death that's where! Vote for Dr. Monkey and Laurie David, they'll keep bingo a goin' and the freak flag a flyin'."


This message was brought to you by the Monkerstein/David 2008 Campaign and in no way were any of these people under any sort of mind control by Dr. Monkey when statements were made.

Hmmmmm

What's up Doc? If this was not proof positive that Dr. Zaius is running for President against me, then I do not know what is! A loyal Monkerstein ally snapped this photo of Dr. Zaius hanging out with nationally known political fundraiser and party hack Bob 'Money Pants' Frapples. Frapples raised money for the abortive Presidential campaigns of Dick Gephardt, the late Paul Tsongas, and Joe Lieberman. Maybe it's a good thing Zaius has aligned himself with a man like Frapples, all of Frapples old clients lost their races and by all accounts Zaius will lose this one as well! And by the way, what is that on Dr. Zaius's right wrist? A price tag?!?!?

Some disturbing news

Oh, hi there, I didn't see you all standing there. I thought we scheduled this for a little bit later in the day. Uh umm, it looks like you caught me doing my exercises. Yes, that's it, exercises.

Oh well not to worry, I can still talk.

It seems that my old friend and undeclared candidate for the Presidency, Dr. Zaius, is up to his old tricks again. He's smearing me with his vicious baseless accusations and he is tarring my amphibian campaign manager as well. It would not wound me so if Samurai Frog and I were the only ones who had to bear the brunt of his outlandish barbs, lies, and insults. No, it's true, Zaius is not content to go after us, he must go after all Asian Americans with his hurtful hateful comments as well. He repeatedly mocked them and their cultural heritage by using the phrase "corrupt Monkerstein Power Pagoda" over and over again in his diatribes against me and my campaign.

We find his comment disgusting and so do all the Asian Americans who are up in arms over his attack on their ethnicity.

"We can't believe he said that! How insensitive can he be?"

"If we get ahold of him we will kick his hairy ass!"



"I forgive him, but only because my religion demands that I do."

I call on Dr. Zaius this minute to apologize to me and to the many fine Asian Americans that he has insulted and belittled. I call upon him to tell the world what is behind his baseless attacks and accusations and to finally come out and announce if he is running for the Presidency or not. The people of this great nation want a debate on the ideas and issues. They don't want insults hurled at me or the many hardworking Asian Americans.

As all of you can plainly see I am the only simian candidate who has put forth concrete ideas for moving this nation back on track after the disaster that is known as the Bush years. My learned simian friend Dr. Zaius has not offered a thing but lies, attacks, and insults. Either join me in the debate that will shape this nation Dr. Zaius, or you can just shut up and keep dancing with your Hollywood elite starlet pals.

Now, if you will all excuse me I must get out of this tutu. I have an important appointment to caress, oh oops, er uh, I mean, counsel a young Asian woman who is going through a very rough divorce. Hang on Padma, Daddy Monkey is on the way!