Where do I stand on the mess in Gaza?

I stand with the people of Gaza who are being bombed into submission by bloodthirsty Zionists who want crush their spirit and to steal their land.

I stand with this girl:

Fuck the psychotic Israeli government.  Fuck my government for supporting this genocide.  And fuck you if you support it too.

Movie reports

On her 16th a Japanese school girl learns she is part of the ancient HILKO clan and that she has superpowers.  She hooks up with her clan after her parents get killed and she joins them in their fight against humanity until she learns the truth that she is a mongrel, part human/part HILKO, and that even though humans don't like HILKO, they don't deserve to die.  

This film is so over the top crazy it's in a league all it's own.  The HILKO all have crazy ass superpowers, one has a chainsaw in her ass that she uses to fight with, another has swords that shoot out her boobs, our heroine has a fantastic kick ass claw that is superduper powered. Toss in one disturbingly good looking dude in make up who is the leader of the HILKO who merges with their god toward the end of the film, samurai who have guns on their noses that look like dicks, and a whole bunch of other weird sci fi martial arts stuff, and you'v got one of the craziest films I've ever seen.  It's crazy in a good way though.  I loved it.  This one is on Netflix instant.

In a little island town off the coast of Nova Scotia some folks are in a funk, a gay dude has trouble accepting his sexuality, the top cop and his realtor wife are having issues, a teenage girl is trying to remain a virgin, while her mom who has been 'easy' in the past is starting to relive her old ways, and the mayor is up to something shady.  All this is going down just as the town is about to have a month long celebration.  But thing have a way of working out and they do work out in this cute but a little too earnest film which I liked a lot.  I especially liked Sandra Oh, she's an incredibly sexy woman and a damn fine actress to boot but there is no way in hell I'm ever going to see her in that medical show she's in, and Ellen Page, who is super hot as the little virgin who's fighting off her ardent boyfriend.  This one is cute and worth watching. It's on Netflix Instant.

In this Russian film of the future humanity has conquered disease, ended war, and got it's shit together enough to allow humans to go out exploring and doing good shit on other planets.  An impossibly good looking dude named Maxim has space ship trouble and he lands on a planet that's experiencing a revolution.  He joins forces with a guy he meets who has a hot sister who falls in love with him and they all join forces with others to fight the Unknown Fathers and a mysterious guy named Roamer.  

This one is over the top too, in a crazy good way.  It's all hyper real and it's a film that Terry Gilliam would make if he was hooked on steroid laced meth.  The acting is over the top and the story makes no sense at times, but damn, you just can't look away.  It's the best/craziest Russian sci fi film I've ever seen.

We watched this documentary about the late Elaine Stritch on the night she passed away, it was our memorial to her.  It's funny and touching at times.  I had no idea she how much she had seeped into our national consciousness. It's worth watching.  It's on Netflix instant.

Very 'actorly' film that tells the story of a guy who invents a bullshit 'religion' and who is much like the late fraud L. Ron Hubbard.  It's a good film that features fine performance by the late Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Joaquin Phoenix, Amy Adams, Laura Dern, and Jesse Plemons.  There's lots of method acting and emoting and actors getting down to the real nitty gritty, enough to power a small city.  It's very absorbing and Hoffman and Phoenix chew lots of scenery.  It's currently on Netflix instant.

The Southern Baptist Guide to Eradicating Workplace Gayness

If you suspect a co-worker of being gay you must first pray for him or her and if that doesn't work, you haven't prayed hard enough, so pray some more.  If it doesn't work after a week of praying, then you must check his or her mouth for Satan.  Take their face in your hand and probe inside their mouth for evidence of the Dark One's presence. They will scream, squirm, and claim your're assaulting them, but tell them in a loud voice so they and everyone else can hear, "I am doing this because I love you and I want you to come to Jesus Christ."  You can do anything you like as long as you say you're doing it out of love and concern for their mortal soul.

If you see Lucifer in their mouth, then clamp yours down on theirs and suck him out of that oral cavity.  Use your tongue to root the devil out of that gay mouth.  Do it.  They will thank you later.

If your previously gay co-worker faints after you sucked The Blighted One, aka the gayness, out of them, then you must administer first aid.  It's your Christian duty.  First drag them off to a secluded area where no unbelievers, females, underage tots, atheists, Communists, or Methodists can see what you're about to do.

You must strip off their shirt and begin massaging them, use scented oils if you have to, God loves it when we anoint people with oil.

After the massage, give them a tattoo in the shape of your hands which will be a forever reminder of the love you showed for them when you eradicated the gay from them.

Once you finished the tattoo, drive to their home and if they have any children spank the gay out of them.  Don't let anyone stop you.  Remember, Jesus doesn't recognize gay marriage so if they have a gay partner who they are warping children with, you must eradicate the gay from them after you have spanked the gay from all children in the house.  

If your co-worker lapses back into the gay lifestyle after you've helped them, then the only loving thing you can do for them is to burn their house down.  

Try to make sure no one is in it when you set it ablaze for Jesus.  

And remember, do all this in the name of Jesus because we've prayed about it, and we're pretty sure Jesus is okay with it.  And he's also okay with you fucking your hot secretary or a cheerleader from time to time, hell, you're only human after all.

Amen!

Sometimes

Sometimes I take pictures while driving down the street, sometimes they turn out to be pretty good, sometimes not.

Nearly true conversations: Israel and Palestine edition

Here's how most conversations go when one speaks up for the human rights of the oppressed Palestinians in Gaza:

Human rights defender: It's horrible how Israel is bombing the shit out of Gaza, it's almost as if they're purposely bombing the people of Gaza into the stone age so they can keep them under their thumb.

Israel defender: So you think all Jews every where should die.  How nice.

HR defender: No, I do not think that.  But I do think Israel is bombing and killing Gazans simply because they can.

Israel defender: Oh, I see, according to you Israel has no right to exist and you support all terrorists groups and people who want to wipe Israel off the face of the earth.

HR defender: No.  I do not support any such thing.  Israel exists, that's a fact and nothing is going to change that.  I simply want to see Israel stop killing innocent civilians, to stop bombing the infrastructure of Gaza, and to make peace with the Palestinian people.

Israel defender: The Holocaust wasn't enough for you Mr. Hitler?  Not enough Jews died in that to suit you and your Nazi buddies?

HR defender: Wow.  Now you're just spouting crazy shit.  I did not support the Holocaust, I wasn't alive back then.  I'm just saying that Israel, backed by the USA and most all other western powers, looks and acts like a bully when it comes to Gaza.  They've blockaded it with an eye to choke off any businesses that operate there, they bomb it on the slightest pretext, they've built a wall to keep people from escaping, and they won't let the Palestinians move freely inside their own territory.  And the Israelis keep building settlements on Palestinian land in order to annex that land to Israel.  It's a horrible situation and we need to put a stop to it.

Israel defender: How do you live with yourself you shitbag anti Semite?  I'll pray that you see the light and start supporting the brave Israelis in their struggle to stay free and hold that land until Jesus comes back to earth and gives it to us good Christians.   Now, aren't you late for a KKK rally you Nazi Commie?

TV reports

I just finished series one of Orphan Black and I'm chomping at the bit to see series 2.  In this series a woman finds out she's part of a cloning experiment that has far reaching implications for her and many others.  It's very well done, not too science fiction geeky, and it's addictive.  I'm glad they extended the series out to ten episodes, instead of the usual six we get form BBC productions, because it means they can flesh out the story without dragging it out too much.  This one is very hood if you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. It's available on DVD, on demand, and on BBC America.

I loved this super fun and exciting Aussie western. It's on HuluPLUS and it's 13 episodes long.  It tells the story of a pair of bushrangers and their buddies and some women who fall in with them.  It's very well done and it's a bit cheeky to boot.  Lots of pretty women, shoot outs, double crosses, and dirty faces.  I recommend this one as well.

Book reports

This is s mostly fun first novel in a series of three novels about what happens when genetically modified tape worms that humans get injected with decide to take over their hosts.  The worms are genetically modified to help humans fight off disease and heal faster but when things start to go wrong shit really hits the fan.  It's full of interesting characters and  exciting situations but it suffers from being about 75 pages too long.  The author, Mira Grant is a pseudonym, needed her editor to cut out the silly fake quotes and the scenes where the main character, a woman who is miraculously healed from a serious accident but can't remember her past once she wakes up from a coma, sits around and ponders her life all the time.  Just get on with the story and stop the extraneous padding.  But having said that, I'll probably read the others when they come out, even if they're a bit too long like this one was.

I've tried other Scandinavian mysteries and mostly they're good reads, albeit very different in style from American mysteries, so I thought I'd give this series by Norwegian writer Karin Fossum a try.  By far it's the best of the lot of current moody northern European outings.  Her Inspector Sejer isn't some kind of melancholy alcoholic with one foot in the mental hospital, he's actually a believable older cop with flaws but his flaws don't overtake his personality, they're a part of him but they are not the whole of him.  In this book he solves the mystery of a well loved local girl's murder.  It's very good and it's very evocative of small towns everywhere, not just the town in Norway where it took place.  I really like Ms. Fossum's work so far, it's not a self consciously brooding and dependent on coincidence like the Wallander books are.  I've started the second one and so far I like it even more than I liked this one.

Summer side boob

Okay, that's enough. Stop leering at my pretend young actress girlfriend Jennifer Lawrence's side boob.

Old white guys react to Obama's LGBT Non Discrimination order

 "Jesus said I have to love my neighbor as myself, he never said I couldn't discriminate against fags, pansies, and bull dykes.  Does Obama think he's better than Jesus?  I bet he does."

"So I'm not allowed to discriminate against gay people now.  I'm still allowed to discriminate against women, coons, wops, micks, and orientals, right?" 

 "I guess I'll have to get gay married next."

 "I'm only going to hire beauty school dropouts now.  I know for a fact those dudes aren't gay."

 "My prostate is the size of a watermelon."

"I don't discriminate, I hate everyone equally."

It's magic

We turned a pallet of flat stone:

Into a rock enclosure this past Sunday afternoon.

Amazing, isn't it.

Rest in peace James Garner

One of my favorite actors passed away this past weekend.  I always wanted to be Jim Rockford when I grew up.  Too bad I never grew up.

Nope, that's not creepy at all

Oh wait, yes, yes it is.

Conservatives through out the ages say the darndest things

"Kennedy and LBJ are going to take our guns!"

"And the negroes will take my hymen if they get the chance to vote!"

"Wilson and his League of Nations are going to take our guns!"

"I hope I and all other women never get the right to vote."

"Freed slaves are going to take our guns!"

"Ending child labor is the worst thing we could do for our economy!"

"Irish immigrants are going to take our guns!"

"If your pants got any tighter you'd suck half of Boston up inside your bung hole."

"French peasants are going to take our guns!"

"And our merkins too!"

"Catholics are going to take our muskets!"

"Good."

"Christ killing Jews are going to take our rapiers!"

"And poison our wells right before they defile our vaginas!"

"I'm going to have to kill you because you said 'vagina.' "

""Don't blame me, I voted for the Ostrogoths in the last election."

"Whats an 'election'?"

"Caesar is going to make us stop having sex with boys!"

"It's about time someone did."

The worst person in the world is...

...ultra phony asshole 'comedian' Bill Maher.

As if being a gigantic hypocrite wasn't bad enough, he would have been outraged beyond belief at the shit Obama has done (allowing the NSA to spy on all Americans, his lack of transparency, and escalating the quagmire in Afghanistan) if it had been done by Bush, now he's advocating violence against women and the continued oppression of Palestinians.

In his continued unstinting support of Israel Maher said that Hamas is like a crazy woman who needs to be slapped around a bit.  First off, no woman 'deserves' to be slapped around, crazy or not.  Secondly, calling women 'crazy' was a way to minimize them and their opinions, especially if they disagreed with men and or the prevailing 'wisdom' of the day.  Third, yet again he supports collective punishment for an entire group of people because of the actions of a few, which is exactly what the Nazis said about Jews and that's why they perpetrated the holocaust against them.

Maher has and always will support Israel no matter what.  For Maher and many others, supporting Israel means only Israelis get human rights and only Israelis get to strike back at those who do them harm and if you complain about that, then you're persecuting Jews, don't think Israel has a right to exist, and you want all Jews everywhere dead.  Ugh.  Maher is a stoned unfunny jackass who is in love with genocidal murders and who loves to proclaim his atheism but is 100% on board with the religious claims Israel uses to justify their apartheid in Gaza.

Bill Maher is the worst person in the world.

It's on

Because they haven't killed and maimed enough Palestinians yet, Israel has begun the land invasion of Gaza.  And your taxes are going to fund their war of terror.  Ugh.  I fucking hate Zionists.

It's time for another episode of: The Adventures of Randy Felcher, Private Investigator

Today's episode: The Case of the Missing Christian!

The TV was blaring reports about an influx of child refugees from central America that were allegedly pouring in over the border from Mexico.  Even more troubling were the reports that Christians were up in arms over these kids coming in to the USA, apparently they didn't like having to shelter people on the run from crime ridden corrupt countries.  Like all good Americans I took what I heard on the TV machine with a grain of salt, so I had to find out for myself why these Christians were objecting to taking these kids in and and helping them.

So I turned off my TV, loaded up my car with a few changes of clothes, a case of liquor and some hardcore gay porn to lure the Christian ministers into talking to me and I high tailed it down to the Mexican border. 

I drove all day and all night and I finally got there just after midnight.  I checked into a motel and I set out to find a Christian to talk to.

Once I cracked open a bottle of rot gut vodka and I tossed open a copy of Bum Chums Monthly a Baptist minister flagged me down.

I didn't beat around the bush and I certainly didn't let him beat around mine, and after he got done dumping poison down a well on an Indian reservation, we sat down to talk.  He told me that he was opposed to letting in those 'illegals' because they were Catholics, they wanted to steal our jobs, defile our women, spread germs, and take away all the high paying service sector jobs from white Americans.  He told me with as straight a face as he could muster that Jesus wouldn't let those kids in if he was alive and living in the USA today. 

"You got one thing right amigo," I said between slugs of the vodka, "Jesus sure as hell isn't alive in the USA today, because assholes like you killed him."  

He didn't take kindly to my words of wisdom.  He told me that even though he was mad at me for insulting him and his religion, that he'd still blow me but he wasn't going to enjoy it and he certainly wasn't going to waste his time praying for me while he did it. 

"Whatever," I said as he began his business.  Then I heard a woman calling out his name.  He said, "Oh shit, it's my wife!"  He jumped up and ran off into the pitch black Texas night.

"My husband wasn't out here blowing you was he?"

I stammered for a moment then I said, "Look!"  

We both watched in amazement as a flying saucer hovered over us for about fifteen minutes.  Then a door on it opened and an alien spoke to us.  It said, "We been scanning your planet for signs of intelligent life for about fifty years now.  And we can safely say that after all the anal probes, after all the abductions we've done, and all the TV and movies of yours we've watched, there's nothing here we want or need but we're not heartless bastards like you people are, so we're going to take those kids from central America who you all won't let in your country.  We're going to raise them and mold them into a race of super intelligent Hispanic humans who will one day come back and subjugate you to their will.  You dumb fuckers had your chance to do the right thing and take them in but you blew it.  So we'll take what some consider to be trash and turn them into treasure that will one day rule your pathetic world."  

As the minister's wife and I stumbled in a fugue like state towards my car and the case of liquor, we heard a giant sucking sound as the aliens beamed up all those kids.  What could we do except get shitfaced and wait for the day those kids and their descendants came back to rule over us.  So that's what we did, she and I.  

We reported her husband missing and after seven years we had him declared legally dead and she and I have stayed drunk ever since.  And through all these years, after everything we've been through, after all those bottles of liquor, after all the blackouts and the alcohol poisoning, I still have yet to learn her name.