Monkerstein Supporters Fight Back!

My fellow Americans, as you can see I am trying to relax a bit before we begin a big campaign swing through this great nation of ours. While I may be enjoying the pleasures of Martha's Vineyard you can rest assured I am keeping up with the lies, slander, and general poopiness that my rivals are throwing at me. I am not the only one either many of my supporters also have seen the perfidy of my rivals and they wanted to speak out against them so that I may rest and relax a few more days. So with out further adieu, I bring you some of my loyal supporters who have a few words for my rivals.


"Hi. I'm alternative film darling Lilly Taylor's sister Billy. It pisses me off that Sleestak is attacking Dr. Monkey and saying that he sexually harasses women. That is so untrue. Dr. Monkey's raw animal magnetism and virile odor make it impossible for any woman who is close to him to not want to rip his clothes off and ride him like a three wheeled Mercedes. He's just soooo hot us gals can't help ourselves. Sleestak should shut up and let Dr. Monkey spend a weekend with those Hayley clones of his and then they might get satisfied like some of us have already. In fact, I'm gonna walk like an Egyptian until he does just that."


"Hi. I'm Belle Undsebastian. Did you know that Phydeaux's running mate is a cat? And that Phydeaux is a Communist? And a practitioner of the black art of dentistry? If he gets elected that cat will pee everywhere and Phydeaux will pull all our teeth until we give him all our money. It's sick I tell ya, just sick."


"Hi, Bobby Wells here. I'm head of Kids for Monkerstein. My folks won't let me watch Lost in Space anymore because Dr. Smith is a time travelling sexual predator and he smells funny. Also Dr. Smith wants to give all washed up kid actors tax breaks. Can you imagine what Lisa Welchel, Blair from Facts of Life, would do if she had more money in her pocket? That ho would give it to Jesus or something and I might not get that neat-o interstate off ramp built near my house because of that. How bad would that suck?"

"Hi, we're the Swansons and the Jensens. We're the head couples in the Swingers for Monkerstein Club. Did you all know that if Zaius is elected that he will outlaw swinging, interspecies romance, and bingo on Indian reservations? Hell if we lose bingo here in Oklahoma then no one will ever come visit us and then where will we be? We'll tell ya where, just sitting here not having sex with people we ain't married to while we wait for a twister to rip through and bring us all the sweet release of death that's where! Vote for Dr. Monkey and Laurie David, they'll keep bingo a goin' and the freak flag a flyin'."


This message was brought to you by the Monkerstein/David 2008 Campaign and in no way were any of these people under any sort of mind control by Dr. Monkey when statements were made.

Watch out for that mud they're all slinging at me!

Well, well, well, it looks like a couple of ne'er do wells and nincompoops have joined with Dr. Zaius in the the race to prevent me from saving this great country. Not only have two additional rivals popped up to run against me, they've learned from their pal Dr. Zaius how to sling mud at me as well.

I'd formally welcome Sleestak and Dr. Smith into the race but both of them have begun their campaigns on such a negative note that I am forced to respond to their and to their intellectual leader Dr. Zaius's insane amount of mudslinging.

First off I must address the foul lies Zaius has spun from his lair of deceit. He claims that I have invented some sort of mind control fez and that if elected I will require all Americans to wear one. Nothing could be further from the truth! The fezzes I have invented are merely for relaxation and they will in no way be used to control your minds. Here are a couple of supporters of mine who have been wearing the fezzes for quite some time now:

"Must shop lift, must sell stolen property, must give ill gotten money to Monkerstein campaign." "Must grow beard and hair even longer and then cut it off to give to Monkerstein to cover his bald spots. Monkerstein must look virile and hairy or else women will not vote for him."

You see there? These fellow's minds are not being "controlled." They willingly do those things for me and my campaign because they love me. So stop telling your lies Zaius and apologize to me at once! Oh yeah, and pay me for all that damage you did to that safe house of mine or you shall be hearing from my lawyers post haste!

While I'm on the subject of mind control, don't forget that Dr. Zaius is the one who will give all Americans lobotomies. This is his vision of what he wants all of you to look like after he's done with his "operations:"

Now as to the lies of interdimensional dwelling, bleating green thingy that some of you know as Sleestak. You sir are an abomination! Your slime is well known and has been well known since the day that Sleestak propaganda machine known as Land of the Lost hit the airwaves! All Americans know that you and your kind are nothing but trouble for all of mankind, not just the lovely virginal Hayley Mills (Special shout out to Hayley: hang tight girl, we're doing our best to rescue you!).

What's that Mr. and Mrs. America you want more proof that Sleestak is pure evil? Well here you go:

You can see he hates not only puppies (which I love by the way!), humans, Hayley Mills, but also this neanderthal throwback named Chaka! Worse still, Sleestak works for the most evil company known to man, Wal-Mart!
"Welcome to Wal-Mart! How can Sleestak help this multi national corporation rob you of more of your money and dignity?"

You disgust me sir, as you do all good progressive Americans! As soon as I figure out a way to send you back to your old dimenson then you've had it you booger eating multi national corporation Republican loving lizard you!


And finally we turn to Dr. Smith. That's right America you heard me right, Dr. Smith. Yes, that Dr. Smith, of Lost in Space fame.


It looks like ol' Dr. Smith found his way back to earth but where are the Robinsons? And that other guy and that hot blonde chick and that robot? I'll tell you where they are, they are still lost in space! Smith found his way home but somehow he managed to make sure the rest of his party did not.

So here is, back and he's running for President and he's managed to hoodwink Marcia Brady into becoming his running mate.

I'm not going to say that he met Marcia on some twisted episode of To Catch a Time Travelling Predator, but that's exactly where he met the poor deluded thing! I swear Smith if you lay one hand on her golden head then you shall have hell to pay!

Smith has gathered around him some of the most evil and dastardly right wing henchmen. Here he is with Guiliani advisor Shecky Applebaum and the guy who played Grandpa Munster.

Now as to the Smith smear that I appeared in a mime porn movie, I will have you know sir that that film which you call 'porn' was actually a highly regarded award winning French film called Bang the Mine Slowly. It was an art film sir, an art film and I stand behind my performance in it as well as standing behind my fellow castmates!So let's review a bit here shall we?

Dr. Zaius will give all of you lobotomies if elected and then he'll destroy America.

Nurse Gregarious seen here prepping one of Dr. Zaius's paitents.

A Sleestak victory will mean four more years of the failed policies of Bush/Cheney.

"Mah lil buddy Sleestak, where would Ah be with out him?"

A Smith victory would mean we would all be subjected to the foul odor of Dr. Smiths farts!

"I love smelling my own farts!! And you'll love them too!"

Now, if you all will excuse me my lovely running mate and I must be off to a little private candle lit dinner so that we can discuss strategy.