Question of the day

Today's question of the day comes to us from Jess Wundrun. Her question is: Chimpanzees and gorillas have no tails. Monkeys have tails. Chimpanzees and gorillas are among the smartest animals on the planet. Is it the tail that is holding the monkey back?

Good question Jess. (Don't think I don't know what you're trying to do here young lady, this is another in your attempts at causing wider rifts between me and my fellow simians!) Actually Jess, nothing is "holding" us monkeys back. We monkeys are worshipped as gods in India,
and classic children's books have been written about us.
I could be wrong but I never heard of any one worshipping the "Chimp God" and I've never seen or read The Little Gorilla Who Could.

I shouldn't be doing this but since I am one of the most intelligent monkeys alive I'll go ahead and tell you that at the last World Monkey Congress we voted to let chimps and gorillas do all the grunt work when the apes take over and then we monkeys, along with a few gibbons, will swoop in and take control. We'll then spare any descendants of bloggers I like from Dr. Zaius's lobotomies.

Thanks for sending your question in Jess! Want to see your burning question answered? Well smart guy, you've got to send one in first! Send in your questions this January to monkeymuckATgmailDOTcom and I'll do my best to answer them if I can.

Exposed!

It seems Wisconsin blogger and all around busybody Jess Wundrun has been hiding a little secret from the world for the past few months. Remember her little "hiatus" she took? She claimed that she had "bloggers block" and needed to get away for a bit, well, it turns out that she actually went into the jungle to give birth during that time! After a bit of digging a Monkey/Love campaign operative dug up this photo of Ms. Wundrun with her lover Dr. Zaius and their love child! That's right, these two have been canoodling in private while deceiving the world in public! It all makes sense now doesn't it? Now we see the reason for all those baseless attacks on me and my campaign. Shame on you two! Stop hiding your illicit romance and tell the truth for once!

Just a quick word

Greetings to the working proletariat everywhere! I just wanted to tell you that all the rumors spread by noted cheese addict and glue sniffer Jess Wundrun are false as the day is long in Alaska during the summer time! She and her simian sidekick Dr. Zaius have been using their blogs to spread the lie that I have been in quarantine for biting someone in Madison, Wisconsin.

Yes, it's true I did bite someone in Madison, it was an annoying Republican who was saying bad things about Russ Feingold, but I was not subsequently quarantined. Instead I was whisked off to the Wisconsin Dells where I met and networked with some of my upper Midwest supporters. And I'd like to give my hard working agent provocateurs, oops, I mean my socialist cadres, oh crap, I mean my new BFF's in Wisconsin and Minnesota a special shout out! Here's to you Suzy, Whiskey Marie, and Missy! Thanks for all the fried foods on sticks and the butter covered everythings.

So now that I have addressed the lies and fantasies of Ms. Wundrun, I must now address what could become a festering boil of a situation. I seemed to have made a young man cry earlier today. He left me some comments in my comments section on other posts and I was a bit rude to him and he's spent the rest of the day softly sobbing in his room near Niagara Falls. Ok, I'm sorry. There, I said it. Ok? All better now? I was still pissed over my shitty internet service and I may have taken some of that anger out on you. I'm sorry and I swear I'll try to do better. Now give yourself a hug and know that it's from me. Ok, stop touching yourself now. I mean it. You'll go blind if you don't. Oh wait. That's not true, I haven't gone blind yet. But seriously, stop touching yourself for awhile.

Now because I need to use up all these pictures of people in red fezzes, I present them and their comments unedited.

"Hello! If Dr. Monkey is elected and we finally get single payer universal health insurance I can get this furry growth removed! I'm begging all of you to vote Monkerstein/David in 2008."

"Umm, my friend and I are not drunk enough to have a threesome with you yet Monkey boy, now go buy us a quart of vodka and we'll see if that does the trick."

"Heh, heh, heh, I like Laurie David. I'd like to touch her boobies."


"My sideburns scream for justice."

"Voting for anyone but Monkerstein/David is treason!"

Well said young man. That's all for now, I really must be going now. It's been over 90 for three weeks straight here and I must go cool off in the pool. I'll talk to all of you later! Right now it's cannonball time!

At home with the Wundrun family

Cheese and electric heat, those crazy kids have it so good in Wisconsin.

Interview with Tommy Thompson

I apologize for being lax in finishing up my interviews with the Republican Presidential candidates, but I do have a campaign of my own to run you know. And I've been quite busy doing rain dances to entice moisture out of the sky.

I'm back on track now that it has rained for a couple of days here, so now I present my interview with former Wisconsin Gov. Tommy Thompson. All his answers are real quotes from someone named Tommy Thompson or they are a variety of cheese. Enjoy!

Dr. Monkey: You seem to like kissing and hugging other men and fondling phallic looking things. I think you may be a closeted gay Republican like Ted Haggard. You have a problem sir...
Gov. Thompson: The problem keeps getting worse.
Dr. Monkey: Please go on, and tell us what kind of man you like.

Gov. Thompson: Gouda.

Dr. Monkey: Gouda? Oh I get it, you like a Gouda man. Funny. Or stupid, depending on the way one looks at it. Would you get married to a Gouda man if the law allowed it?

Gov. Thompson: If anybody asked me I'd say yes.

Dr. Monkey: Interesting. You say you'd marry a man if the law allowed it but you also said once in a debate...

Gov. Thompson: We have a real serious problem facing us in America. It's nothing to get real worried about, just be careful. If you are out, make sure you put some mosquito repellent on...

Dr. Monkey: No, not that. I meant that thing you said about gays in the workplace.

Gov. Thompson: We do not believe sexual preference should be given special legal protection or standing in law.

Dr. Monkey: Yep. That's it. Is there anyone who gets special legal protection or standing in the law?

Gov. Thompson: Venezuelan Beaver, Cougar Gold, Havarti.

Dr. Monkey: You don't come across too well in the debates. Is that going to be a problem?

Gov. Thompson: My partner and I aren't worried.

Dr. Monkey: Your partner?

Gov. Thompson: Saint Agur Bleu.

Dr. Monkey: Let's lighten things up, show me your best Hulk imitation.

Dr. Monkey: Not bad. Lets talk about Bruce Banner though, should he get state sponsored health care?

Gov. Thompson: If he's been exposed yes, if not, no.

Dr. Monkey: Yes, he's been exposed. I like the green Hulk but I hear you like the grey one. What is your favorite shade of grey?

Gov. Thompson: Tyrolean grey.

Dr. Monkey: Jess Wundrun is from your state and there is talk of making a cheese that celebrates and encapsulates her essence. What would you say to that?

Gov. Thompson: The time to stop using these products is now.

Dr. Monkey: But they have not actually made that cheese yet. They are just considering it. Do you think it's a good idea for businesses to make and market a Jess Wundrun cheese?

Gov. Thompson: What I'm hearing from some businesses is they are being impacted negatively...

Dr. Monkey: You have no clue what I mean do you?

Gov. Thompson: It's crucial we have a full understanding.

Dr. Monkey: We can't do that though because you are an idiot and a tool of corporate America.

Gov. Thompson: Corporate America is like everybody...

Dr. Monkey: Okay, that's it. Get out. Good grief he's a dolt. I'm glad I only got one more of these to go.

This interview was brought to you in part by the Wisconsin Cheese Board.

Who's helping us look for our Crunky now?

Jess Wundrun's kids have joined the search for our Crunky now. Aren't Stilton and lil' Cheddar cute? Hurry kids! If you find our Crunky quickly we'll give you both a shiny new nickel!

Fun times with Jess Wundrun

If you haven't gone to visit Jess's new blog, then get off your ass and go!