...I come before you on the morning after election day to announce that I concede the Presidency to Sen. Barack Obama. No, please, calm down. I urge all 12 of you to be calm and to listen to reason.
My running mate and I crissed but did not cross this country in an effort to get ourselves elected. We spoke and held rallies where ever we could, which ended up being mostly dive bars and bus station shower stalls. We shook hands, we kissed babies, we flung our poo, but it was all to no avail because America just wasn't ready for me to lead.And if I'm being honest here, then the whole not being on the ballot in any states thing hurt me as well. As did my decision not to buy any ads in the traditional corporate media. I figured plenty of people would see the ads we drew on the streets and highways in chalk. They would have been just fine if it had not been for the rain and the dew, damn you mother nature!
It's time to move on and to let President-elect Obama have a go at it. I wish him well. I thank all of our supporters for their work and for believing in the Monkey/Love '08 ticket. I'd also like to "thank" the diabolical Dr. Zaius for running one of the most vile, most disgusting, most smear laden campaigns in history. I forgive every all my other delusional opponents except for Zaius. The next time we meet sir I shall plant a punch in your "forbidden zone." Maybe that will teach you to run a less dirty campaign, but somehow I doubt it.
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Now if you'll excuse me, I simply must run. I have some pressing matters to attend to. I'm due to give an in depth interview to a couple of young nubile Swedish journalists:
And word has just come to me that Salma Hayek has lost her top
and she wants me to help her look for it.
I am pleased to report that four out of five bridesmaids now support my candidacy. Ring bearers and flower girls however have not yet come around to me and the Monkey Party platform.
Bottles of dichromate have endorsed me wholeheartedly, mainly because I promise to give all Americans a lifetime supply of dichromate in the first year of my administration.
After many days of tense negotiations I have secured the endorsement of the Ottoman empire from 1299 to 1672! They love my position on fezzes and the fact that I have a fig tree outside of my new house.
And finally I am pumped to announce that wistful women on their periods have endorsed me. Whether it's a heavy flow day or not wistful gals who are menstruating have seen the light and they support me because I offer them understanding and a fistful of Midol or Pamprin. Yes siree, with these endorsements I'm sure to go all the way to the White House.
Ahhhhhhh, sweet sweet tobacco, how I've missed you since my heart attack. Yesssss, inhale deeply and exhale slowly. Oh sweet jeebus how I've missed smoking. Huh? What's that noise? It sounds like a small child is hurtling itself at my front door. I better go check it out. 
Holy crap, it's my canine buddy Chester Cheesy Poof! What's up boy? Why have you come to see me? 
You mean he's backing down like a spineless little ninny baby?
So as you can see Chester I don't have time to run for President again. And besides my 
Arf ruff ruff ruff arf! Ruff, bark bark. Ruff ruff. 
don't worry he's harmless. He won't eat you. At least I think he won't. Now run Chester run! 
While this country may not be ready for a simian like me to hold this nation's highest elective office, it is more than ready to elect a black man with more intelligence in his little finger than George Bush has in his whole body. This country is crying out for bold decisive leadership and Barack Obama will provide the calm steady leadership we all need. 
Sen. Obama has accepted my endorsement and the $2.50 in campaign funds that I had left in the bank. He is pleased that a one time rival has joined his cause and I look forward to campaigning for him where ever I can.
But don't worry, I'll be back out on the campaign trail in no time at all. 
She sent me a pack of Monkey Mints, that's them on the far left, a monkey in a fez pencil topper, and the neat-o keen monkey picture.
It turns out he didn't like heights so I took him down and now he's just sitting on the desk of yours truly. 
Hillary "Mrs. Robinson" Clinton admits she digs 
This sign has been popping up a lot lately:
And it's sad but true that Dick Cheney had this to say about
Meanwhile Barack Obama sent us this message via esp:
Okay, that's all for now. I've got to run. I'm off to patch things up with 
When things get too hectic out there on the campaign trail my running mate and I enjoy doing some modern dancing. It calms us down and relaxes us. What do our opponents do to calm down and relax at the end of a long day?
And if you don't pass Zaius's underpants test then this happens to you:
And if you get caught again not wearing the proper Zaius proscribed undies then you are fired from your job
and your house is taken away from you and given to underwear barons like this one:
Can we really trust an ape who wants to make us keep our pee pee's and our hoo hoo's covered up all the time? Zaius's vision for America's future is twisted and wrong. Fortunately, there is a better way!
Here at the Monkey/Love 2008 campaign we say wear what you like! Boxers, briefs, thongs, anything! And you can even go commando if you want. That's right, unlike Dr. Zaius, we trust you the American people to do what's best for you. We're not going to create some big bureaucracy whose sole mission is to be in your pants 24/7. Your underwear, or lack thereof, is your business, you're not going to see us sniffing around down there, no sir.
Drew Barrymore says, "Yipee! I love the feel of fresh air on my nether regions as I skate! That scoundrel Zaius would deprive me of my right to flash my goodies while I frolic about. I'm voting Monkey/Love and I'm doing it with no panties on!"
Kate Hudson says, "I'm very happy over the news that I can go commando if I want. To celebrate, I'm going to go braless!"
Archie Panjabi says, "I'm a British citizen, leave me alone. Seriously, I mean it. I'll take a restraining order out against you if I have to."
My mother was making me take a bath in what appeared to be holy water.
As soon as I got into the holy water bath it changed and I changed as well. I became 100 % monkey and I stopped being the monkey/human hybrid that I normally am. The bath water and bath tub changed into the Ganges and a waiter from Sitar, a locally owned Indian restaurant here in Johnson City, was ferrying me across the holy river.
Once we got to the other side he morphed into a hot Latino chick and I became Jesus on the cross. I didn't mind so much because I had such a great view. But then things turned nasty. I heard a voice taunting me. It was saying things like, "Nah nah nah, I'm gonna steal your running mate. Monkey/Love in 2008 is kaput! All power to the concrete and pipe cadres!"
I shook my head to get the foul sound of the voice out of my ears and suddenly I was with 
When I woke up I was in some strange world where people wore Crunky instead of holding it.
In this bizarre world the Flying Wallendas were the Tumbling Wallendas.
And I noticed something else strange,
I had one ball, not two in this dreamworld.
But as quickly as you can recite the Gettysburg Address I was picked up by 
It turned out my lovely running mate 
Later at one of our late night strategy meetings I told Kristi all about my crazy dream. We laughed and she assured me that there was no way that Splotchy could ever steal her from me. We had a good laugh, a good cuddle, oops, I mean we had another good laugh about it and then we released a statement to the press.
Satisfied that everything was hunky dory in our campaign Kristi and I shared a private make out, shit, I mean, another private strategy session as we watched the sun go down. I was happy that my crazy dream was just that, a crazy dream. 
Or was it??????