Audacious Underpantsatorium Antics Unmasked At Last!

It's been quite a week here on the campaign trail kids, and I almost didn't live long enough to tell you all about it. The week started off nicely, my running mate and I were sharing a private moment in which we were discussing human sexuality issues. But something soon shattered our hot and heavy discussions. News had come in to Monkey Central that one of our spies inside one of Zaius/Gregarious underpantsatoriums was in danger of being unmasked and facing torture, a possible lobotomy, or worse, Zaius was threatening to force our spy to listen to Wayne Newton albums over and over.
I did what any patriotic monkey would have done, I told my running mate to stay here in the safety of the USA and I darted off the small island off Thailand where Zaius had outsourced his brainwashing station/underpantsatorium. Upon arrival I wormed my way into a convoy of Europeans who were on holiday and I slipped into the Zaius compound undetected.
I quickly found out that Germaine Gregarious had hired Asian super criminal Lo Fat to trap unsuspecting children to work in Zaius's latest evil scheme to over throw mankind.
Lo Fat lures the children to Zaius's island by promising them they will get all the Crunky they can eat. Of course that career criminal only has one good Crunky bar and if the children get any Crunky at all they are given Sawdust flavor Crunky and they must wash it down with soda that is made from the bitter tears they shed after finding out that they've been duped.

I was able to speak with a young lad was was escaping just as I was arriving. He said, "Yeah boss, Zaius works our little asses off and we only get like four or five minutes sleep a night. In addition to our underpants duties we also have to answer phones and do customer service work for major USA cable and computer companies. Some of the younger kids crack under the pressure and they cry a lot, that drives that Germaine broad crazy. She hates kids like evangelicals hate two guys who love each other. Me, if I hadn't taken up smoking I'd have never made it out alive. I'm on my way to America to meet my real father, Zaius told me his name was Evil Spock. Do you know him?"


My heart broke for this little guy. I knew Evil Spock wasn't his dad but I couldn't very well crush his dream right then could I? Of course not, so I patted him on the head and I let him stand guard by my boat while I went in to tend to matters inside.
Zaius was just then indoctrinating a new crop of kids. He was filling their little heads with all his lies and underpants nonsense. And as he was expelling his venomous views, his running mate was giving assorted women crabs.
And bad purses too. Oh the horror.


I snuck around looking for my spy. I snuck past room upon room of children being forced to learn about underpants and how to give lobotomies to unsuspecting people while they slept. I was horrified but I swallowed my terror and I continued my mission. I was about to give up and write off my spy as another causality of the Zaius/Gregarious mind control menace when I heard a giggle coming from behind a closed door. I picked the lock and I crept in the room.

Inside the room was my spy! Little Tran Tan Tang, or as she is known in the spy biz, T Cubed, was tied to a chair and was being forced to watch old Andy Williams Christmas specials. I untied her and she said, "You number one G I Joe! You not number two, you number one!" Damn that Zaius! He had brainwashed her into believing she was in Vietnam in 1968. I picked up my little trooper and I rushed her out. She and I and Smoking Boy all jumped into my speed boat and we sailed back home. I was able to debrief them both and I found them suitable Jungian psychiatrists to help them recover from their orangutan induced trauma. T Cubed is back with her family and they have also taken in Smoking Boy too.

So after all that excitement I'm just gonna hang loose and wash my car this weekend.