Way to go you crazy kids!

My blog friend Delia Guzman and her partner Kat got as hitched as they can get this weekend! Don't they make a beautiful couple?
Here's a news story about their big event. And you can click here to go see Delia's blog post about her and Kat's big day. Congrats to both you beautiful gals, maybe one day when we get Bush and the stone age christians out of office then you and Kat and any other gay and or lesbian couple can get legally married whenever you want.

The National Security Administration...

...has identified the next big threat to the Bush administration and corporate America.

Play ball!

Yee ha! It's opening day for the major leagues! Our long national nightmare of the NBA being the biggest draw in televised sports is over! I'm using way too many exclamation points!

Will the season be as dramatic as last year? Will my Red Sox repeat? Will the Rockies choke again? Will the Tigers win the AL Central again? Will I be traded for a bag full of cash and a blogger to be named later? Will this year be the year the Cubs win it all? Hahahahaha, I'm just kidding with that last question, we all know that the Cubs will find a way to lose it all.

Ah well, sit back, relax, and enjoy the leisurely pace of the MLB season. Yes baseball season is long, but look at it this way, it's not as long as the Presidential election season. That damn race has been going on for about 15 years now, while baseball season is only 6 months long.

Congratulations!

Yes kids, congratulations are in order for the latest crop of winners in the ongoing "Get a Vintage Postcard From Dr. Monkey Sweepstakes!" The following people will get a vintage postcard with a cryptic message on the back from yours truly Wandering Coyote, Westcoast Walker, Captain Karen, and a random person in Idaho. Thanks to everybody for sending in your entries and best of luck to all of you who have not won yet. For a complete list of winners click here.

This crop of lucky winners will get one of the following postcards:
Wandering Coyote, Captain Karen, and Westcoast Walker please email me your addresses and I'll get your postcards out to you via snail mail. Rest assured that your addresses will not be sold or given out to anyone but you may end up on my War on Christmas card list.

And now here's...

...Blue Gal in her nightie. Hubba hubba.

That's no lady, that's a pirate captain!

Go read the interview Captain Karen, she of the C3 brigade (for those of you just tuning in, C3 stands for Cadre of Canadian Cuties) and my blog mate on the Winter and Spring Reading Challenge Blogs, did with me on her blog. It's more fun than getting poked in the kidney with a rusty metal spear, I promise! (The above picture is not Captain Karen. Captain Karen is much cuter that this but since she complained the last time I used her picture on this blog I had to resort to using this drawing I found on Google Images.)

Beings from other planets, they're not so different from you and me

Some of them just want to be loved.

Ads from the Bronze Age of Porn

Before it was on the internet, porn was sold via small ads in men's general interest magazines like True and Argosy, which is where these came from. There was all manner of delivery systems for your porn viewing pleasure. There were little comic books:
Stag films, which required the use of a film projector so the purchase of same automatically tagged you as a pervert back in those days, the mid 50's through the late '70's:
And there were also "art study aids:"And now we have the internet and one can "rough up his suspect in the privacy of his own home, or the local library if one is adventurous. Thank goodness for progress!

Madras!

Splotchy started it. Then Samurai Frog jumped on it.

And being the troublemaker I am, I'm continuing it:

Madras!

Why they hate us

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

I almost believed the hype

Against my better judgement I decided to try and save us some money by getting our phone service through Charter Cable and not through the company formerly known as Sprint. I called the Evil Ones at Charter and they said that they'd give me phone service, internet service, and digital cable for what I'm paying for internet and digital cable now. Basically that meant we'd be getting free phone service for a year. Reluctantly I agreed, although I sensed that there'd be trouble.

So this morning the guy comes to install our phone service and he asks which phone we want it on. I was somewhat taken aback by his question and I answered that I wanted it on all our phones, we've got two downstairs and two upstairs. He said that their service didn't work that way and that it ran through a modem like my internet does. He said whichever phone we wanted it on had to be near a cable outlet so that he could hook up a modem to said phone. I then informed him that if he could not give us the same service we have with the phone company then I did not want their shitty internet based phone service. He sputtered and said he would try to install a splitter that would enable us to use all our phones, then he quickly added that maybe he could do that.

The next thing I know he's rolling around on the floor and unhooking wires and cable connections and he's grunting and asking me to unplug stuff. Then he crawls under my desk, the same desk at which I am sitting and typing this now and the same desk I was at when he was working here, and he starts to unhook and re-hook up cable connections and power cords. For some unholy reason I looked down at the large cable man who was writhing under my desk and I saw, you guessed it, his hairy ass crack
He wasn't quite as fat at this dude but he was big. And his ass crack was big as well. I decided to sneak a photo of it but the picture I took came out blurry. It was all I could do to keep my morning oatmeal down when I saw his moon come out early.

In pretty short order he figured out that his splitter idea wasn't going to work and that Charter Cable could not give me what I wanted, which was the same level of phone service I was getting from Sprint. I told him to just pack up all his stuff and leave and that I had no intention of getting the shitty phone package that Charter Cable is offering. So once more he hit the deck to unplug all his wires and cables and once again I saw the his gruesome backside smile. This time I just got up and left the room.

The bottom, pun intended, line of this story is don't fall for the ads the cable companies are running. Their phone service sucks balls and it's not anything near as good as what you're getting now.

Once again you've let me down Charter Cable, is there no end to your suckiness?

Barack and the very "bad," "no good," "awful" week

Try as they might the media didn't convince us that the "controversy" surrounding Barack Obama's minister was anything more than a tempest in a tea cup. All the 24 hour "news" networks did their best to keep it going by repeatedly telling us that there was a controversy there, they kept telling us people were going to defect to Clinton, they kept dutifully running that same clip of Rev. Wright saying "God damn America!" over and over again, but it all fell on deaf ears. In fact, their relentless pounding of the controversy drums had quite the opposite effect they thought it would, instead of driving people away from his campaign, the controversy helped bring more people into the fold.

After all the talking heads pronounced him wounded and bleeding profusely, something unusual happened in the American electorate, most of us finally stood up to the media and we ignored their chitter chatter and we saw for ourselves that Rev. Wright spoke for himself and not for Obama. We saw a man who they all said was going to be down soon stand up and turn his supposed weakness into a strength. By not kowtowing to the media and pushing Rev. Wright under the bus Obama proved once again why people are drawn to him. He's not going to play the game the Clintons and the media want him to play, he's going to do, at least for now, what's right and proper. He stoodup for himself, he said he disagreed with Wright, and yet he said he would not disown the man.

And as a result of his being a stand up guy in this situation he's drawn more support to his campaign. He's up in the latest polls and he's even beating McCain in polls that match those two up head to head, are you listening and seeing this Mr. and Ms. Democratic Party Super Delegates? It's driving the talking heads crazy that despite all their dire warnings and their pronouncements to the contrary Obama is not only still in this thing, he's going to win it.

And it's not just driving the douchebag media pundits crazy, it's pissing off Clinton and her increasingly shrill backers. It's not so hard to understand why Hillary's negative ratings are up, it's because she tried to deflect criticism of her Bosnia bullshit by trying to keep the Rev. Wright controversy alive. She tries to shame Obama for having a minister who speaks his mind, and if truth be told if most Americans looked at the facts they'd agree with Rev. Wright about why 9/11 happened, in order to keep people from looking at they high handed way she and her backers are trying to subvert the will of most of the Democratic party voters. Her huge sense of entitlement got her into the mess her campaign is in and it's what's going to make her lose in the long run.

The jackals in the media have an entirely different reason for keeping the Rev. Wright story alive. They need to something, anything, to put on the air so they won't have to actually do a story about the real problems facing our country. Goodness knows they can't report about how multi national corporations are ruining our lives and our planet in their quest for profits. Heaven forbid the media do stories that highlight the need for single payer national health insurance for all, or ones about the growing gap between the rich and the poor, or about how the war or terror makes us poorer and less safe, or about how Bush, and Clinton before him, abdicated their responsibility to the people by privatizing government operations that should never have been made private. And there is no way in hell they're going to do any stories about how media consolidation is strangling the news and local media outlets in this country. Nope. They'd rather do the bidding of Bush McCain and that fat drug addict Rush Limbo and the rest of the right wing radio ass clowns.

Hopefully all their shenanigans will continue to drive people to the Obama camp and maybe come November they'll all get the shock of their cloistered lives when a progressive majority unlike any other is swept into power in Washington DC.

A simpleton ad for a simpler time

My eyes nearly popped out of my head when I first saw this ad in the old National Geographic I bought last week:It offended me on soooooo many levels.


You may not be able to tell it but the father figure and the granny behind the car are smiling and laughing at the antics of the young boy who decided it would be a good idea to climb on a religious statue. Somehow I doubt they'd be laughing and smiling if it wasn't a totem pole the kid was being so disrespectful to. Maybe if their ancestors hadn't committed genocide against the Native Americans who once lived free in all parts of this country they wouldn't feel like it was fine to mock and belittle the religious objects of Indian tribes. I also doubt that they'd let the kid climb all over a cross or a sacred sculpture like La Pieta.
Next up Mom decides her son's behavior is cute enough to warrant a picture. In taking the picture she validates the brat's bad behavior.
Am I the only one who knows that "spunk" is a euphemism for male ejaculate? I giggled like an 11 year old when I saw the phrase "full of spunk." But what really got me was the image of the boy on the totem pole. Notice how the beak of that bird becomes his penis and the boy looks like he's ready to fill that car up with his spunk. The Oedipal overtones are also very striking.

Or maybe it's just a stupid old ad that emblematic of the late 1950's when it seemed like white people would rule the world forever.

Different good or different bad?

The people of Nova Scotia asked me to remind you that Nova Scotia is part of North America too.

We're good thanks. No, seriously, we're good. We mean it.

Growing up in Michigan for the first 13 years of my life I learned that Big Ten college football was a passion with people in the midwest. When I moved south in 1974 I learned that college football down here was something different, I learned it wasn't just a passion, it's a religion. And it's adherents down here are more than mere followers, they're crazy, rabid zealots for whichever Southeastern Conference team they root for. People in the south live and die each Saturday in the fall depending on which team they follow.

In the are of the south where I live now, the mountains of east TN, there is only one team that most people around here root for and that team is the University of Tennessee Volunteers. The Vols are loved by people not just all over the state of TN, people in southwest Virginia and western North Carolina love them rabidly as well. The current success of the men's basketball team is nice but people down here know that in Knoxville and in a 150 mile radius of that city football is king. Football brings in the bacon and fries it up in the pan. It pays the bills and therefore it's put on a pedestal. It's sacrilegious to speak against the Big Orange football machine around here.

Yes, there are other colleges and universities that field football teams but none has the following that UT does. Case in point, the East Tennessee State University Buccaneers. ETSU is a smaller institution of higher learning than UT but one would think since it's located in Johnson City that people in my town would have embraced their local school's football program. Well, you'd be wrong. For many years ETSU put a team on the field, not in the same division of the NCAA as UT but still football is football right?, and for may years not many people cared. People in this area stayed away from ETSU football games in droves because the only team they cared about was UT. UT played in the marquee bowl games, UT had shots at the national title, UT played on TV on ABC, CBS, ESPN. ETSU was lucky to get radio coverage or a reporter from the local TV stations to cover their games. In short no one gave a damn about ETSU football, they stuck by UT and that was that.

So about 5 years ago ETSU decided to save some money by dropping football all together. They said that while it might be painful to some, it had to be done. Attendance at games was laughable, media exposure was slim, and so it just made sense that they drop it and put that money towards something else, they still had a highly regarded basketball team that made the NCAA tourney once in a while and a very highly regarded golf team. So the axe fell and we waved bye bye to ETSU football.

But a group of ETSU football alums wouldn't let it go. They were sure that people wanted ETSU football, they were sure that people were going to rise up and demand the Bucs be allowed to live again. They wailed and gnashed their teeth, they cried foul, they spoke to anyone who would listen to them. And yet there was no clamor for ETSU football to return. No one gave a damn that it left, well no one except for the guys who used to play.

After a few y ears of crying over the loss of their beloved sport, they hit on the bright idea of letting the ETSU students vote on whether to bring back football. The university let the students know that if they brought back football then fees would rise, all fees that is, as in all fees to all students, even those who did not like football would have to pay for it. The football alums patted themselves on the back because they were sure the students would vote to bring back football but when they dust of the election settled the measure to bring it back was resoundingly defeated.

So you'd think in the face of widespread public disinterest, student apathy, and a fan base that will never be disloyal to UT, they just give up. Well, you'd be wrong. A hardcore group of these ETSU football alums got together and they paid some outfit to do a study on how they could bring football back to Johnson City. After studying the matter and looking at things the group doing the study said, and I'm paraphrasing here, "In order to bring football back you're going to have to remove all the obstacles that got it removed in the first place."

Duh. I could have told them that. Hell, I could have told them that and I would have charged them half what they paid the other guys. Oddly enough, or maybe this is a sign of how delusional these bitter decrepit old football jocks are, they got excited about putting a plan of action together based on the findings of the study. I'm not sure what they plan to do about the dominance of UT football in this area or what they're going to do about the thousands of of fans they don't have, but if it makes them happy to think they can do the impossible then more power to them.

Me, I just wish they shut the fuck up and accept the fact that ETSU football is dead and that it will never come back. It's kind of sad to see these frustrated old jerks pine for the glory days when the seats in the Mini Dome, that's right they used to play ETSU football indoors, were two thirds empty and no one gave a damn if ETSU won or not. They remind me of the Republicans who keep saying we're winning in Iraq. They think that if they pour more money and more time into study after study that shows if people came to games here that the local economy would grow like gang busters. Just as there is a fatal flaw in the Bush led war on Iraq, there's a fatal flaw in the dreams of those reviving ETSU football, just as the Iraqi's hate us and want us gone, Johnson City and the area as a whole hates ETSU football and they want it gone forever.

But like the delusional Republicans, the faded football jocks of ETSU still cling to their dream of winning hearts and minds back to Buc football. Anyone close to both situations can see that there is no such thing as victory in Iraq and there sure as hell ain't ever gonna be a victory for ETSU football in the this area. I can only hope one day we'll stop trying to "win" something in Iraq and that the cry baby ETSU football jerkoffs will stop their pointless crusade to bring football back to Johnson City.

Belated swag update

I admit it, I'm a cad. I forgot to update you all on the swag I received from a certain white hot hockey ho last week. That's right kids, my running mate the lovely Kristi Love sent me some swag from her mounatin lair in Colorado.
She sent me a pack of Monkey Mints, that's them on the far left, a monkey in a fez pencil topper, and the neat-o keen monkey picture.

Before I consigned the pencil topper to a life of having a pencil up it's butt I let him sit on top of the computer for a few days.

It turns out he didn't like heights so I took him down and now he's just sitting on the desk of yours truly.

Thanks for all the great swag Kristi! You rock girl.

Hello?

Hi Archie, yes it's me.

Are you going to tell everyone the news?

Yes Archie.

Okay then.  Go on, tell them while I'm on the line with you.

Hey everybody, Archie has been cast in a new film called Espion.  It's a romantic thriller about spies and stuff.

Good.  Thanks for telling everybody.

Sure thing Archie.  I'm glad to help get the word out.  Now, since I did a favor for you I'd like you to do a favor for me...

What is it?

How about you come to Monkey Central and I do a tasteful photo shoot of you and I interview you for the blog.

Ummm...

Well?

I can't hear you.  Our connection is breaking up....

Archie, come on.  Be a sport.  I'll even make you dinner.

Hello?  Hello?  I can't hear.....(click)

Ok.  I see how it is.  

A mind bottling Dr. Monkey movie review

I saw this last night on HBO:

And yes it was dumb.  And yes the plot was predictable.  And yes it had it's share of homosexual jokes. And yes it played out exactly how you think it's going to.

But you know what?  I could not have cared less.  I laughed like crazy during some parts and in general I liked this movie.  I'm glad I didn't have to pay anything to see it, we've been getting free HBO on our digital cable for months now, and I'm glad I got to see it because it was funny.  Now I understand that some of you don't think Will Ferrell's aggressively stupid arrogant guy bit is funny, but I do.  I find it enormously funny sometimes, I loved him in that NASCAR movie and I'll probably love him in that basketball movie as well.  Sue me, I laugh when he acts arrogantly idiotic.

Amy Poehler and her real life husband Will Arnett were hilarious as a brother sister skating duo who are a little too close for comfort.  Jenna Fischer is cute as a button in this movie as well.  Romy Malco and Craig T. Nelson are also good in the film too.  The cameos of the skating greats was fun also, Nancy Kerrigan, Peggy Fleming, and Dorothy Hamill all are in it and they are all still gettin' it done.

If you want a few laughs and some brainless entertainment that doesn't ask too much of you then check this out.  I liked it and odds are if you like dumb comedies, then you will too.

Oh the things you'll see!

When the Mega Millions lotto gets up around $100 million I make the drive over to Bristol, VA and pick up some tickets. Today after buying a couple of tickets for the next three draws I went into one of the many antique stores in downtown Bristol. I didn't buy anything but since the place was so big I did snap a few pictures of some of the stuff that caught my eye.

When regular bacon isn't enough for you, get yourself some candy bacon! It looks almost life like and it's got a keen "BACON VIEWING WINDOW" just to give it that more realistic look. You can bet Uncle Oinkster is happy that he's not in that package.

I found a treasure trove of these old style scientific sex mags from the '70's. I almost bought this one but I decided against it because it was mostly articles. I'm sorry to say I did not check this to see if the middle article was for or against blackmailing the homosexual. And I didn't see what the answer to the timeless question "Should You Marry Your Cousin?" was. I figured since I have never married any of mine then I didn't need to know.

They had a few lurid gossip mags at the antique store as well. Oh how I loved the cover, it's got Commies doing lobotomies, Oral Roberts, and a gal in a bikini. The British bad girl they refer to on the cover is Joan Collins. This magazine was from the mid to late 1950's and judging by the pictures of her they used in the article she was at least 40 back then. She was on the last series of Footballers Wives on BBC, so you can imagine how old she is by now.

Despite the urge to snap all three of these magazines up I settled for just taking photos of the covers.

Side boob but no butt crack.

I don't think Ms. DeMos ever had a tan in her life.

But it wasn't all bacon, babes, and side boob, I did spot some Quaker propaganda.
I'm betting Blue Gal or Suzy planted it there to lure unsuspecting and impressionable kids to Quakerism. Those insidious Quaker vixens will stop at nothing in their attempt for world Quaker domination. Oh well, I suppose it could be worse, we all could fall prey to the unholy siren song of the Mennonites.

On the blogger campaign trail

Here's a quick update on what some of the blogger Presidential candidates are up to these days:

Dr. Smith is fomenting unrest in Asheville, NC:

Hillary "Mrs. Robinson" Clinton admits she digs The Evil Dictator: This sign has been popping up a lot lately:
And it's sad but true that Dick Cheney had this to say about Dr. Zaius the other day:
Meanwhile Barack Obama sent us this message via esp:
Okay, that's all for now. I've got to run. I'm off to patch things up with Ubermilf. I do hope she will accept this tray of sweets along with my apologies for hurting her feelings.