And we're back

The tree removal people who guaranteed no damage when they removed the broken tree came yesterday. They removed the storm damaged tree but in doing so they knocked out our cable. And as usual, Charter did their usual 'stellar' job of getting it back on. Actually, I never have a problem with the technicians at Charter, it's the condescending people who answer the phones I have a problem with.

So, I'm back on and maybe later I'll tell you the tale of what happened when our hot water heater sprung a leak the other day. Yeah, I'll tell that tale later. I promise.

The internet referee called a foul

"Internet connection problems. The asswipe who caused them gets a spanking. And five minutes in the penalty box."

I'm back online now but who knows for how long. Charter cable sucks ass.

Do Not Want

The boneheads at Charter Cable added some new channels to my cable line up and they switched around some existing channels as well. As with most everything Charter Cable does, these moves and additions suck worse than Sarah Palin's wardrobe before the RNC wasted $150,000 on it.

We already had 4 or 5 religious channels and they went and added something like 7 more. We already had TBN, which shows those ghastly women with pink beehive hairdo's crying about how much they love it when Jesus bones them. We had the INSP network as well, which shows programs like Zola Levitt Presents! and the Why The Jews Are Going To Hell Even Though They Are "The Chosen People" Hour of Power Fun Time Happy Show. The others that were foisted on us I usually just flipped past, as I did with the aforementioned shows unless there was something laugh out loud funny on them. I figured shit, that's enough religious shows for any Christian, Jew, or whoever else isn't a Muslim to watch and enjoy or whatever it is those people do with those inane shows. I figured that surely all those shows would be enough to keep the sheep convinced that their bigoted stone age belief systems were still vital and relevant in today's world.

Oh but was I ever wrong. Charter went and dug up a slew of new, excuse the upcoming pun, wholly shitty religious networks. They found a Catholic network, a Baptist network, a Mennonite network, an Amish network, a network devoted to all things Anglican, the Episcopal channel, a Reform Jewish network, an Orthodox Jewish network, and a network for the one group that is hated only slightly less than Muslims, Jews for Jesus. Flipping past this bloc of salvation I saw brief glimpses of people in leisure suits imploring me to turn my life to Jesus, to Moses, to the Pope, and to someone named Azroth the Blighted One. I saw priests break dancing, rabbi's kvetching, and stand up comics eating things off the pavement to prove that you can love Jesus, Joseph, and Mary and still have fun by gosh by golly.

It sickens me to see all these new god squad channels and it never ceases to amaze me how much convincing these people have to do to themselves that they are right.

In addition to all the new religious channels the geniuses at Charter also added RFD to our line up. Never heard of RFD before? Oh shit, where have you been? Living a full life full of fun while enjoying exciting and interesting cable channels? Well then partner, sit down for a sec and let me tell you all about the RFD network. Listen close because I'm only gonna say this once: IT"S A FUCKING CHANNEL ABOUT RURAL SHIT. Did you get that? Was I too technical? They show programs about farming, riding horses, how to worm barn cats, how to artificially inseminate cattle, and how to masturbate pigs for fun and profit. Oh yeah, and they also show the televised portion of the old racist Don Imus's radio show. They used to show Green Acres on RFD but they had to cancel it because some fucking hick finally figured out the show was making fun of slack jawed yokels like himself.

Thanks a lot Charter for the new channels, and don't misunderstand me you corporate dumbasses, I mean that sarcastically. You fucking fucks better not try to raise my rates after giving us that new slate of shit. In fact, you ought to go ahead and lower my cable TV bill because now there's even more of nothing much worth watching on your cable line up. I swear if it wasn't for Keith Olbermann, Rachel Maddow, The Daily Show, Stephen Colbert, and a few shows on BBC America, IFC, and Sundance, I'd cancel.

Ah, screw it. I've got to wrap this up now, it's almost time for Mormon Mud Wrestling.

I almost believed the hype

Against my better judgement I decided to try and save us some money by getting our phone service through Charter Cable and not through the company formerly known as Sprint. I called the Evil Ones at Charter and they said that they'd give me phone service, internet service, and digital cable for what I'm paying for internet and digital cable now. Basically that meant we'd be getting free phone service for a year. Reluctantly I agreed, although I sensed that there'd be trouble.

So this morning the guy comes to install our phone service and he asks which phone we want it on. I was somewhat taken aback by his question and I answered that I wanted it on all our phones, we've got two downstairs and two upstairs. He said that their service didn't work that way and that it ran through a modem like my internet does. He said whichever phone we wanted it on had to be near a cable outlet so that he could hook up a modem to said phone. I then informed him that if he could not give us the same service we have with the phone company then I did not want their shitty internet based phone service. He sputtered and said he would try to install a splitter that would enable us to use all our phones, then he quickly added that maybe he could do that.

The next thing I know he's rolling around on the floor and unhooking wires and cable connections and he's grunting and asking me to unplug stuff. Then he crawls under my desk, the same desk at which I am sitting and typing this now and the same desk I was at when he was working here, and he starts to unhook and re-hook up cable connections and power cords. For some unholy reason I looked down at the large cable man who was writhing under my desk and I saw, you guessed it, his hairy ass crack
He wasn't quite as fat at this dude but he was big. And his ass crack was big as well. I decided to sneak a photo of it but the picture I took came out blurry. It was all I could do to keep my morning oatmeal down when I saw his moon come out early.

In pretty short order he figured out that his splitter idea wasn't going to work and that Charter Cable could not give me what I wanted, which was the same level of phone service I was getting from Sprint. I told him to just pack up all his stuff and leave and that I had no intention of getting the shitty phone package that Charter Cable is offering. So once more he hit the deck to unplug all his wires and cables and once again I saw the his gruesome backside smile. This time I just got up and left the room.

The bottom, pun intended, line of this story is don't fall for the ads the cable companies are running. Their phone service sucks balls and it's not anything near as good as what you're getting now.

Once again you've let me down Charter Cable, is there no end to your suckiness?

I need to get a couple of things off my chest

1) When did people become so stupid that Blockbuster employees feel they have to inform you that the foreign film you picked out to rent has subtitles? Honestly, you guys and gals at Blockbuster, I don't need you to remind me that the fucking film I picked out has subtitles. I realize that what I'm about to say my as come as a shock to you but there are people out here who read about movies and who know god damned well that some movies have subtitles. Not all of us are morons who rent Meet the Deedles, Let's Go to Prison, and whatever cinematic masterpiece Dane Cook currently has out. Those of us with a little taste know full well that the film we rented is Dutch with English subtitles and we know that the films with the Asian people on the front on the box are in Chinese, Korean, or Japanese as well. If your damn company hadn't bought every other competitor out and squashed all the Mom and Pop movie rental stores everywhere then I wouldn't even set foot in your damn store. Do yourselves a favor and stop treating your customers like we're idiots.

2) Why is it that when your local cable company raises your prices they say it's because they're giving you such excellent service? Bullshit. I got a letter from the greedy shitheads who run Charter Cable about the new price increase they're about to hit us with and in this letter they had the balls to write, "Charter is committed to providing you greater value and has recently taken steps to enhance your entertainment services...." Really Charter? When the hell did that happen? What steps did you take to enhance my service? The only thing I see that you've done to enhance things is outsource all the customer service jobs to the Philippines. And that only enhanced your bottom line because you pay those people a hell of a lot less than you used to pay the Americans who had those jobs previously. And I'll tell ya something else, those people in the Philippines who you hired to do those jobs, they do't understand English all that well so it's really maddening to try to get them to understand what it is I'm trying to tell them when I have to call them. Hey all you cable companies, stop enhancing our services and try doing better at the ones we currently pay for.


Deep breath now.

Inhale.

Exhale.

That's better. I'll be all right in a minute.

Ya gotta love Rosario Dawson