Yo, ladies, do you think I'm the best looking simian in the blogosphere?

Thanks.

Dr. Monkey, the early years

That's no lady, that's a pirate captain!

Go read the interview Captain Karen, she of the C3 brigade (for those of you just tuning in, C3 stands for Cadre of Canadian Cuties) and my blog mate on the Winter and Spring Reading Challenge Blogs, did with me on her blog. It's more fun than getting poked in the kidney with a rusty metal spear, I promise! (The above picture is not Captain Karen. Captain Karen is much cuter that this but since she complained the last time I used her picture on this blog I had to resort to using this drawing I found on Google Images.)

Hopefully this will clear up a few of your questions

The Johnson girls, Faith, Hope, and Charity, will be watching us and judging our every move for the rest of the month. The following people have been checking out Androcles and the Lion:
When I'm not blogging, cooking, running for President, reading to the blind, interpretively dancing, working for world peace, visualizing whirled peas, producing recordings for the Black Eye Peas, making people sneeze, saying "Thank you" and "Please," cutting the cheese, looking at trees, counting to three, enjoying a crime spree, having a loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and thee, I like to get together with friends and reenact scenes from the film Barbarella.

Get your facts straight!

With all the hub bub surrounding Jane Fonda's appearance on the Today Show the other day it was just a matter of time before the old stories about Jane and I started to circulate again. The day after she was on the Today Show my house was surrounded by this guy:

He demanded to know what my relationship had been with Jane back in the day. I told him to shove off, that it was none of his business. He told me that he was going to run with a story that was nothing but a pack of lies and a bundle of untruths. What could I do? I'm in the middle of a Presidential campaign so I had to come clean.

********

The fact is that Jane and I never were married. We were just close friends.

She hired me to help her run her lines and to teach her how to be more graceful in her scenes in movies and on stage. Like all women she dug my animal magnetism, my raw sexuality, and she wanted some monkey love. I put her off as long as I could but she was very persuasive.

She took me places and bought me things and she turned me into her monkey boy-toy. Soon I was under her spell and in her bed.But things went down hill for us soon after we began our affair. It turns out Jane was a heavy smoker back then and I just could not abide it so I left her.

*******

It was right after I left Jane that I met and married Patty Hearst who I divorced later that afternoon.

********

Of course if you ask Jane and Patty about any of this they will deny all of it. They both were so disraught and traumatized over my leaving them that they blocked it out. Now go, leave me alone for a while, I've got things to do , places to go, starlets to marry, you know, the usual stuff for a monkey like me.

Monkeys in my mailboxes

I said before how much I love people who read this blog sending me pictures of monkeys and monkey related links. This weekend I hit the jackpot.

One of the few people I like in Texas kindly snapped this picture and sent it to me via email:

Thanks Gini!


And this fantastic drawing was on an envelope I got in the mail yesterday:
Thanks Becca!


And thanks to all of you, even you misguided Reich wingers, for reading this blog.

The Origin of Dr. Monkey

Many years ago my father was captured in the wilds of Africa and he was transported here to a zoo in the USA. The zookeeper was a putz who often was cruel to my father. He poked him with sticks and he taunted him with photos of a scantily clad Elke Sommer. Being the smart monkey my Daddy was, he stole the keys to the cages one night.

Dad opened his cage and he scampered to the zookeepers house.

Dad was a ladies man and he bedded the zookeepers wife in world record time.
All readers under the age of 18 please skip past the next photo or you may go blind, have hair to grow out of your palms, and or the baby Jesus will smite you for wasting all those baby making sperms.Nine months after their encounter I came along. I got my good looks from my dad and I got my brains from my mom. After years of physical therapy I learned to walk upright and to do things like you full blooded humans do.I also went through extensive electrolysis that was quite painful at times. But, because the ladies still like a bit of hair, I kept some of it.

I swear that story is true. So if someone tells you that I just found a picture of a monkey in a fez and I got Dr. Zaius to photoshop that head onto all kinds of crazy photos then they are lying.

I'm innocent I tell ya!

I have never been to India and even if I had been, then I would have never had anything to do with this.

What? You say you don't believe me?

Alibi?

Of course I have an alibi. I spent all that morning working out.

You don't get a body like mine by doing nothing you know!

After working out I went shopping for new underwear, as you can see my old underwear no longer fit.


Then I remembered I had a dinner date with a certain special lady from north of the border, so I went to pick her up.

Dinner with Naomi was nice but she rebuffed my simian advances. She claimed she was "married" and that I "repulsed" her sexually. That Naomi, she's such a kidder! Anyhoo, that's my alibi. As you can see I was far too busy to ever harm anyone that day in India.

Namaste.

File under "D" for Duh

Unlike Republicans and Libertarians, we monkeys know unfairness and inequality when we see it.

One Monkey's Evolution

I got tagged by Micgar to do a meme about how my blog evolved to what it has become today so since I just read Chris's response to Micgar's tag, I felt guilty about not doing mine so here we go:

I started this blog after reading Dr. Zaius's Jesus Convention post way back in late March. I had heard about blogs before and their impact but I seriously thought they were a waste of time and I believed the corporate media lie that all bloggers were maladjusted freaks who lived in their parents basements and who were on the brink of becoming serial killers. Dr. Zaius piece showed me that bloggers could be smart, funny, clever, political, and worth reading every day.

So a few weeks later I started this blog.

I started out doing mainly political and anti war posts because at that time we had just hooked up with our soon to be good friend Sandra and her organization Concerned TN Citizens. But as time went on and I read more and more blogs I decided to make my blog more like me. That is to say I wanted it to reflect on the total person/monkey that I am. So I started doing more and more humorous pieces, some posts about my life history, movie and book reviews, picture posts with one liners, and then cooking posts. It's become a pretty accurate reflection of who I am today.

Like most of you I started out with 10 or 12 readers but through hard work, choice blogrolling, word of mouth, and a few links on Crooks and Liars I've grown to an average of 175 or so a day.

As you can tell by the number of posts I do that I enjoy blogging and I plan on keeping it up for the foreseeable future or until I piss off someone in the government and they haul my ass off to Gitmo or to Kansas or god forbid, the capital of pretentiousness, Seattle, Washington.

And that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Interviewed by a Bee

No, not by that kind of bee,

by Freida Bee.

Question 1: When you were seventeen years old, Monkey Boy, assuming I was not the ten year-old I likely was, where would you have taken me on a date?

I would have probably taken you to The Patio which was a drive-in in Lee County. We would have dined on burgers and fries. After dinner we would have smoked a joint and rode to Red's, which was the only place I could have bought beer or Boone's Farm wine. With our buzz on we would have gone bowling or back to the family farm on Wallen's creek where I would have made a clumsy move to kiss you which you would have rebuffed thus sending me into a tailspin of no confidence over girls and dating for years to come. Of course I would have bragged to all my friends the next day that you and I totally "did it." Yes, I was an ass back then. Well, to be honest I'm still an ass today, but a different kind of ass.

Question 2: If you had a time capsule thingy, what 10 items (besides your Crunky and canned meats) would you store in there for future generations to find so they could get a glimpse of the man who made sweet Monkey Muck?

1) An empty pack of Marlboro Lights. I was a smoker for years but when I had my heart attack I quit them cold turkey. I had a pack and a half a day habit but I just stopped when they put that stent in me, so I'd put the empty pack in to prove quitting without supporting the big pharma companies can be done.

2) My Xbox. When I can't sleep or when it's cold and windy or too hot to go outside I play EA Sports baseball, 2004 edition, Outlaw Golf 2, Outlaw Tennis, and Destroy All Humans! Though not all at the same time mind you.

3) My copy of Even Cowgirls Get the Blues and a copy of Slaughterhouse 5.

4) All my Elvis Costello and Nick Lowe CD's but no CD player.

5) A polo shirt.

6) My soft cotton khaki pants.

7) My globe.

8) My copies of International Socialist Review.

9) A can of Black Cherry Cherish organic soda.

10) A package of Newman's Own organic chocolate creme cookies.

Question 3: ¿Why should I give you my vote for President, Señor Mono?

Because I am the only candidate with a plan to put America back on track. I invite you to look at my posts about health care (I favor universal single payer not for profit health care for all.), about immigration (I support opening all borders everywhere so anyone can live and work where they choose.), and about how we can end the war and end terrorism forever (See "Damn that was some good shit" in the side bar and you'll find the piece to which I refer.). My blogger opponents offer nothing but snide snark and crudely written fanciful diatribes against me.

And you should vote for me because I will let you and Annie Sprinkle hang out in the White House any time you want, provided I am around to hang with you that is.

Question 4: Dr. Monkey von Muckerweinerschtein, how would you summarize your blog in a limerick?

There once was a blog written by a male Monkey,

and the subject matter was, at times, a bit funky.

He tried to give you some laughs

while pointing out some Presidential gaffes,

and offering you a bite of his Crunky.

Question 5: If you wrote an autobiography, what would the title be and how would the last paragraph read?

Compassion and Contempt: The Two Sides of a Modern Monkey

"I can't say I always tried my best or that I treated everyone good at all times but I can say I've had a hell of a ride and hell of a lot of laughs. If I had to do it all over again I wouldn't change a thing except I wouldn't have gone to see First Blood so many times."

Thanks for asking such great questions Ms. Bee. It was a treat answering them. I apologize for taking so long in answering them.

If you'd like to be interviewed by me let me know in the comments section.

Oh, and Ms. Bee, forgive my tardiness in getting that thing to you in the mail, I promise it will go out this week.

One more day!

It's Friday! And it's not just any Friday, it's the last Friday before we leave for the beach in the morning! Yay! Yay beach! Yay vacation!

I'm gonna be honest with you kids, I really don't need a vacation but my girlfriend does. And if we don't go tomorrow she may kill me. Sure, she'd feel bad about offing me and she'd get pissed because she'd have to learn how to use all the complicated remotes but she'd do me in in a heartbeat if she did not get a break from her work. While our last get away was not very relaxing for her, this one should be.

For starters we rented a condo at the beach from a nice woman who we've rented through before so we know the place will be nice. And even though we're taking the gf's parents with us, and her sister as well, they all like the beach and we all get along great together. Well except for her mother has a habit of trying to remain the queen bee in the kitchen even if someone else is cooking. I have to shoo her out repeatedly when I cook but if that's the only problem I have all week next week then I'll be doing peachy. We're taking her folks because they like going to the beach, her dad loves to surf fish, but they are getting on up there in age and they don't want to chance a long drive by themselves anymore. Her sister is going with us because she likes the beach as well and she volunteered to drive the folks in their Jeep Cherokee so that means we can drive the gfmobile, the ScionXA. All of us went to the beach last year at this time of year and we all had a great time together, especially me and her sister because she and I both caught the biggest fish we had ever caught in our lives, they were both four/five pound sheepshead fish. I'll miss blogging for the week but we all have to make sacrifices to keep our significant others happy some times. I know the world may go to down the toilet with Bush running our country into the ground (holy shit did I just mix metaphors?) but I trust all of you to write your usual sparklingly good posts about politics and life and I'll read them when I get back. I do love going to the ocean and I look forward to bobbing in the waves, getting sand all over my feet and in most every body cavity I have, sitting on the beach and reading books as the tide goes in and out, and I love long walks down the beach. Wow, I just read that last sentence aloud and I sound like a Playboy Playmate. I'll be taking the digital camera so I'll be taking lots of pics too and some will end up here of course, no matter how much you may not want to see them.

Oh and I won't be the only blogger Presidential candidate taking a break this week. Dr Smith is attending the NAMBLA convention in Climax, Georgia. Jon the intergalactic space pony will be hanging out in the Crab Nebula. Phydeaux will be cowering under his trailer while the hounds from the North Carolina State Troopers office sniff around his compound for weed and peyote buttons. Sleestax will be working double shifts at the Orange Julius in Hell, Michigan while he plots to spread more lies about me. And Dr. Zaius will be doing what he loves best, lobotomizing marginally talented B list celebs.

Ah well, at least I'll be having fun in the sun with the people I like best.

Monkeys abroad

Evil Spock left me the link to this clip in the comments section of my previous post. After watching it I had to share it with everyone.



We've come a long ways since the days of Lancelot Link.

Oh, Hi

I ummm didn't hear you walk up.

What? Oh this? Uhhhh ummm, it's nothing.

Yeah, umm, actually, I'm kind of busy now. How about you come back later.

Ok, thanks. Bye now.

Wait! I changed my mind! Take me with you!

Thanks. I appreciate it.

Hey, you smell nice. New perfume? It's really nice.

I like hanging out with you. Let's go grab some lunch.