Suicide bomber in the Middle East blows up people, no big thing, but when they do it in the west it's suddenly the worst thing ever.

Looks like all that praying that terrorism would go away didn't work.  Maybe we should stop praying and start not funding repressive governments.  Also not acting like the world is ours in the USA to plunder might help in ending terrorism.  Stopping religious fundamentalism, ending predatory capitalism, repealing institutional racism will also help in the fight against terror.

But hey, I could be wrong, maybe this time your pathetic prayers to gods that aren't there will end terrorism.

A perky blonde breaks down the Charlie Hebdo situation for you

"We all know what the real problem with this terrorist attack on the staff of Charlie Hebdo is, right?"

"Some want to frame it as an attack on free speech and or as an attack on freedom of the press."

"But when you stop and think about it, no one stopped that magazine from publishing what it wanted.  No one stopped them from making the 'jokes' they wanted.  They said what they wanted to say."

"They wanted to insult Islam, just like they've insulted Christianity, Judaism, and other religions.  They wanted to make people laugh and upset some too.  They succeeded perfectly."

"They used their freedom of speech and the press to mock and insult.  And they pissed off the people they wanted to piss off, extremist Muslims."

"They kept poking at the bear and then they got surprised when the bear attacked them.  All speech has consequences, sometimes they're bad consequences."

"But the real reason why so many people are pissed off is they don't like it when people try to tell white people they can't say something.  Lots of white people, especially 'educated' ones, think they have a right to say whatever they please and they should suffer no consequences for doing doing so.  They want to mock and insult others without fear of any reprisals.  And now that some white folks got attacked and murdered for some stuff they knew was going to piss some other people off, they're scared they're going to lose the privilege of saying just about anything they like about whatever they want.  White folks get scared when it looks like they're going to lose any kind of right or privilege."

"Say what you like, draw what you like, insult what you like where ever whenever you like, but be sure to remember that words and actions have consequences.  Don't hit the wasp's nest with that stick if you're not prepared for the fall out."

Hey Christians in the USA, how are you being persecuted now?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Holy shit

Your cheery Easter message is here.  Seriously, click,  you'll be astounded.

Consider the source

The Pope said that marriage between a man and a woman shows us the 'face of God,' meaning that same sex marriage does not and a nun told a high school class that masturbation makes you gay.  Anyone who believes the kind of nonsense these idiotic Christians spew deserves to be beaten with the simpleton stick.  Remember these are the same people who told us:

• the earth was the center of of the solar system
• the sun revolves around the earth
• slavery was fine because it's mentioned positively in their bible
• autopsies are bad because their god won't reanimate sliced up bodies on Judgment day
• forks, coffee, vaccinations, and lefthandness are evil and tools of the devil
• child labor is a good thing
• science is a lie designed by the devil to lead people astray
• racial discrimination is a good thing
• marriage equality is bad.

Religion, always bad, always holding us back.

Quick hits (Syrian war edition)

• I support the upcoming war on Syria as much as I supported the illegal Bush/Cheney/Powell led wars on Iraq and Afghanistan. 
• Hey liberals and Democrats, hypocrite much?  You opposed the wars of terror under Bush but now that Obama is in charge, you're all in on Syria?  Fuck that.  If it was wrong under Bush, it's wrong under Obama.
• Hey conservatives and Republicans, hypocrite much?  When Bush was in charge you cried that the rest of us HAD to support him in his war mongering because he was President.  Now that we've got a scary black Democrat in charge, it's suddenly fine not to support his warmongering?  Fuck you.  
• Too bad we all can't be like the Church of England.  They invested a load of money in armaments manufacturers and now they're reaping the benefits of all the death and destruction caused by said armaments.  Hooray!  Jesus would be so fucking proud of you.
• The only war in the Middle East I can support is a war to stop Israeli genocide.  If we don't stop those mad bastards, they'll wipe out Palestinians in just a few years.

Most offensive book ever?

Yes.

And now here's a word or two from the god of the Christians

Look, it's not my fault I let that mass shooting go down in Connecticut yesterday.  Really it's not.  Just because I created the world and everything in it, and yes I created puppies, waterfalls, sunshine, HIV/AIDS, childhood cancer, fat smelly asses, pedophile priests, pollution, Fox News, ponies, and everything else, doesn't mean it's my fault.  I created you humans who created guns and bullets, I never dreamed you idiots would put the two of them together so quickly.  I gifted the beings on Platzorp 5 with the same knowledge but after the first time someone got killed by a gun they decided not to use guns and bullets.

But you know what?  I fucking told you people time and time again to praise me more often, so if you had been praising me more you'd have less time to shoot and kill little innocent kids.  So really, this mass shooting is on you.  It's your fault.  You didn't praise me enough.  I wanted more burnt offerings of animals and what did you give me?  The motherfucking Kardashians, Survivor, and Lindsay Lohan as Liz fucking Taylor in a Lifetime movie.  Do you not see now why I had to turn a blind eye to your children.

And another reason this tragedy in Connecticut went down was maybe I was busy answering the prayers of Christians who I actually like.  Maybe I was distracted when I was telling Pat Robertson all kinds of whacked out shit.  Hey, it's not like I'm a great multitasker after all, sure I created everything and I've been around forever and I write the songs that make the young girls sing but you know what?  I did all that shit but I've never been to me.  This 'deity' gig is hard sometimes.  So please, shut up, this is hard.  If you think it's not, then you try it.  Oh wait you can't because you're not me and I'm infallible.

My ways are mysterious, so fuck you.  Get off my back. 

And now here's a word or two from America's number one Christian woman

Hey y'all, we need to support Israel because if we don't then them Palestinians might come over here and try to take our land because the Jews done stole theirs.  And two, we got to keep gays from being married because I don't want to have to get gay married, I don't want to make love to no woman because I know how distasteful it is, at least that what my husband tells me.  Also, if people you try to convert to Christianity don't convert, then they is persecuting you and what you got to do is shout them down and make them take conversion or they is going to hell where they will get raped by Muslims for all of eternity.

Oh yeah, make sure everyone, including Jews and atheists, tell you to have a merry Christmas.  Just cos' they don't believe don't mean they can't say 'Christmas' like Jesus wants them to.

Amen. 

Meet the newest members of the Better Baptist Bureau

Here are the 2012 inductees to the Better Baptist Bureau:

 Rev. Peter Likely and his lovely wife Hippolyte Sue.  Peter graduated from West Texas Baptist Seminary and Auto Body Repair and his wife has always been a homemaker.  They both served as missionaries in the wild and untamed area known as Chinatown in New York City.  When not saving souls and shaming Jews for not accepting Christ, they enjoy backgammon, raising show ponies, and crossing out dirty words in library books.

Rev. Kyle Sandlick and his lovely wife Debbie hail from Eau Claire, Wisconsin.  They have five children of their own and they sponsor two orphans in darkest Africa.  Their ministry is focused on bringing backsliding Methodists back to the one true faith, saving Mormons, and judging others harshly.  They home school their children to keep them pure and on date night they like to hang out at truck stops and talk dirty in Esperanto. 

 Rev. Dale Dingus and his wife Velma have a two room church off Route 4 near the dumpsters that are always on fire.  Their ministry is a dynamic praise based one that incorporates preaching, modern dance, and internet porn.  Dale and Velma also love ministering to children and scaring them with tales about the horrors of evolution and the coming one world Zionist Occupation Government.

 Rev. Constant Throbbin and his wife Consuela Jimenez have a ministry that serves illogical immigrants.  They travel the highways and byways of north America in a motor home named Schrodinger's Penis, which is highly illogical.  They pray constantly that our loving God the Father will turn their motor home into a rocket ship that will take them to the planet Vulcan so they can bring the good news about Jesus to the godless logic loving aliens who live there.  Consuela also dreams of watching her husband nude wrestle Captain Kirk and Donald Rumsfeld.

Rev. Lyndon Carter and his wife Beaverly enjoy serving the homeless, tending to disaffected loners, and bedding the occasional shiftless drifter.  When not ministering to their flock at Vuvuzela Memorial Baptist Church they can be found at the dog track or praising Jesus at a glory hole.  Lyndon would like everyone to know that the embezzling charges were never proven and that his wife has been given a clean bill of health by the local rabies authorities. 

Please remember to support all the Baptist Churches in your area with your attendance but mostly with your cash. 

It could happen to you!

Gomer Huckabee, seen here after he ate the Sunday supper at all the churches in Arkansas,

said that the EPA might try to regulate the amount of water Baptists use when they baptize people.  It's something that would never happen, but it's a real government related fear that Gomer and his flock have.  So let's play along with Gomer and come up with some other stuff that a government led by a religious right nut job might do! 

Ready? 
Okay!

• A Mormon president could get elected and he could force us all to wear his magic panties.
• A Baptist minister could get elected president and he could force us to murder all people who don't share his narrow view of the Bible.
• An evangelical person could get elected president and force all people who acknowledge the truth of evolution to be beaten with thin metal rods.
• A Roman Catholic could get elected president and force us all to get ass fucked by a priest.
• A Pentecostal could get elected president and they could force all women to become breeding machines with no voting rights!
• A hardline Jew could get elected and they could force all Christians and Muslims into interment camps.
• An atheist could get elected...wait, no...that could not ever happen, not in the USA anyway.

See how fun it is to come up with wild stuff that will never happen just so we keep each other scared of each other?  Once again, religion divides us all and it's right wing Christian nut jobs who are pushing that scare tactic.   I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm not afraid of Muslims, it's the Christian majority I fear.  Those motherfuckers will do anything to attain power, to hold onto power, and to force their religion on everyone.  Only when we leave Bronze age religions behind will we advance.

Once more into the breach dear friends

If you thought that religious based homophobia among what are supposed to be the most learned among us was dead, then you'd be dead wrong.  It's been reported that a doctor in New Jersey has denied a gay man HIV meds because his illness was 'God's punishment' for his lifestyle.  If it's true then this doctor needs to have his or her license to practice medicine revoked and to be barred from ever seeing a patient again.

Same goes for doctors who refuse to give abortions to women who have been raped and pharmacists who refuse to dispense birth control pills or the morning after pills to women or men.  Your morals don't get to factor in anyone's health.  If you're a doctor or a pharmacist, your conscience doesn't mean shit, what matters is the health of the patient.

Science doesn't give a shit what faith you practice.  Do your fucking job, and do no harm to your patient.  Science and medicine should never be mixed with religion.

Billy Graham explains why he's supporting the hateful anti marriage equality amendment in NC

"They done tol' me that I'd have to get all gay married if that amendment don't git passed.  See, y'all, I'm 93.  If I had to turn gay and get gay married at my age I'm not sure I could take it.  I'd have to start going to the gym, wearing women's clothes, having sex in rest area and truck stop bathrooms.  And what if it turned out I like dick and gettin' done in mah butt?  I'd have to kick mah self for not turning gay sooner.  So that's why I want to make sure that anti gay marriage amendment passes.  Oh yeah, another reason is, I'm a Christian asshole.  A total asshole who wants every body to live according to mah holy book of fairy tales.  So there.  And one more thing, Jews ain't going to heaven.  Neither is blacks.  Heaven is only for white folks.  That's why it's called heaven.  Oooh, look, my dick done twitched when I mentioned white people heaven!"

The stupid, it never goes away

• An Israeli general says that Iran is not developing atomic bombs.  So of course that means that Republicans are demanding that we attack Iran. 
• A high school holds a 'dress as your favorite fictional character' day and before the first class can get under way they force a kid dressed as Jesus Christ to take off his costume.
• Someone at a major movie studio is seriously considering casting social disease Lindsay Lohan as Liz Taylor.  
• The TN state senate just approved a bill that forces all welfare recipients to get drug tested even though they are one of the groups of people who can least afford to buy drugs.  

The stupid, it burns forever.

The song remains the same

The testimony of the right wing Norwegian nut job who murdered 77 innocent people last year sounds remarkably like the kind of stuff you hear right wingers espouse on Fox News and on right wing/religious talk radio and TV every day.  They all spout the same xenophobic nonsense that Muslims are taking over, that tolerance is bad, that we've got to purge the evil foreigners out of our country.  That kind of talk fired up Brietbart Brevik and it fires up Pam Geller, the fat drug addict, and the crying Mormon.  It makes the flaccid cocks of Bryan Fischer, Pat Robertson, and the hate mongers at the American Family Association all twitchy.

What Brevik did was the end result of the constant bombardment of that kind of talk. Small minds soak up lots of hate and then blame every one else for their problems.  Can't get a job?  Those Muslims took it from you.  Can't get a girlfriend?  The gays are to blame.  Don't hear your language being spoken all the time?  The god damn Turks or Mexicans or whoever is to blame.

And when you've got the leaders of the right wing political parties like David Cameron of the Tories and France's Sarkozy chirping about how multiculturalism has failed, well then, that just affirms what the fellow travelers on the internet say and what the haters on the TV and radio say.  It all becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.  They scream that one day a race or religious war is going to break out unless something is done about the damn dirty foreigners with their backwards religion and then when one of their listeners, like Brietbart Brevik, goes out and tries to start a war, they act all shocked but they cluck their tongues and blame his victims because if they'd hadn't been running around being non-white and shit, then none of this would ever have happened.

Multiculturalism didn't fail.  Assimilation didn't fail.  What failed is patience and empathy.  We all live in a results now world where it's all about instant gratification.  If we don't see results immediately, then we get impatient and want to abandon whatever we were doing.  Our political leaders no longer look to the future or govern with the welfare of future generations in mind, they want instant fixes to long term problems that have arisen as a result of their insistence on focusing on the short term and doing what is popular and not what is right.  And they're driven to always seek the short term easy fix by impatient xenophobic right wing radio and religious 'leaders.'  They are living proof of the old saying that garbage in brings garbage out.

Here's a word or two from Kirk Cameron

Hello friends and Christians.

These are strange and troubling times we live in. Our civilization is being torn apart by the gays, the media, and the Darwinists. Gone are the days when you and I and other Christians could say the most hateful things and get away with it. These days when say the gays are destroying our civilization the gay Darwinists in the media jump all over you and they use their freedom of speech to trample my and your freedom of religion. They don't report that I said what I said out of love, they just report the hateful things I said and leave it at that. And they don't even try to save your souls like I do.

The media doesn't report that before we let gays out of the closet to prance and mince around and do things besides fix women's hair and sing in musical theatre everything was fine. You never heard of gays doing stuff before the 1950's, so that means they didn't exist. Go on, read stuff and watch movies from before the gays came out and you'll see that they didn't appear in movies, books, and plays. I can't find them when I look, so they must not be there. But now that we let them out of the closet they're every where and they demand we treat them with dignity and respect. Of all the nerve! Where do they get off telling me what to do? I'm a right wing Jesus lover so only the Bible and maybe a Republican president tells me what to do. No girly limp wristed dude is going to tell me I have to validate his lifestyle choice.

And you know what? I'm not the only one who thinks this way. One of those Baldwin brothers agrees with me, so there. Me and him, I think his name is Sven Baldwin, both think that it's fine to say whatever we like about how gays are ruining our country because we say it out of love. You can say anything you like as long as you say it out of Christian love. So y'all got to know that when I say that homos are messing up my freedom to condemn them they're going to hell for it, I say it out of love. I love gays but only if they stop being gay, get married, become a Christian like me and Sven Baldwin are, and if they stop saying bad stuff about Chik Fil A, because holy crap, I love me some Bible, Jesus, and Chik Fil A. And Willie Ames Bibleman character.

You gay media evolutionists need to step off of my freedom of speech and stop saying I hate gays because of how they're ruining our civilization. Stop quoting me. I get to say what ever I like and if you don't listen then you're stifling my freedom of speech and religion and I'll sue you for that shit.

Amen.

Unhinged

• Andrew Breitbart was a raging asshole. The fact that he was a conservative didn't make him a raging asshole. The fact that he willfully misled and smeared the people he disagreed with lies made him a raging asshole. He ruined the career of Shirley Sherrod for his personal gain. He helped bring down ACORN, an organization that helped the poor and powerless just so he could look good. He went after NPR because they didn't allow him to spout his lies and bullshit. In short, the life of Breitbart was the perfect symbol of what the modern conservative Republican party has become, paranoid, self aggrandizing, racist, and hate filled.
  
• Corporate whore and despicable morbidly obese drug addict Rush Limbaugh called the woman who wanted to testify at the Congressional hearing on birth control a slut, a whore, and one who needs to record all the sex she has so we can watch it since we might have to pay for her contraception. The fact that he said something so obviously sexist and horrid doesn't shock me, idiots have to be who they are after all, they must remain true to what got them to where ever they are in the world. No, what shocks me is there are women still willing to listen and defend anything he spouts in between bites of gravy soaked dollar bills and cheeseburgers made from ground up poor people. And what really shocks me is that there are even women who are willing to have sex with him, provided of course they find his tiny smelly shriveled up cancerous penis among the folds of his fat first. I bet the low self esteem women who want to let him fuck them have to roll him in flour and look for the wet spot before they mount his bloated methane filled crotch.
• The most racist sheriff in America, you know the one, he's the guy in Arizona who hates and wants to imprison anyone who speaks Spanish and who doesn't use a SPF 99 sunblock, held a press conference the other day where he claimed that after further investigation on his part that President Obama's long form birth certificate is a forgery. Color me shocked that this racist who never met a brown skinned person he didn't want to toss in jail finds that the president's birth certificate is a fake. Orly Taitz must have been his chief investigator and Franklin Graham must have been his spiritual counselor.
  
• A Montana judge who forwarded a racist email that said that mixed race children are the result of white women having sex with dogs wants you to know he's not a racist. Riiiiiight. What I'd like you to know is that this asshole isn't a dispassionate jurist, he's a piece of shit who hates white women who have sex and children with black men, black men in general, the president, and you and me for knowing that he's racist. He'd not only like to tear down the new MLK monument in Washington DC, he'd like to go to MLK's grave and piss all over it as well.
  

With role models like these, it must be truly a heady time to be a conservative.

They just can't stop themselves

Franklin Graham says that he accepts it when Newt Gingrich tells him he's a Christian. However, when Obama says it, not so much. What's the difference there? Obama is black and not a full fledged Republican. It's not surprising to see that the son of Billy Graham has such a double standard. After all his father said it was a good thing we bombed Vietnam so that we could bring Jesus to them after we got done bombing the shit out of them.

Santorum says that Obama has a phoney theology. Then he tries to say he was talking about his environmental policies. Then his press secretary said we need to watch out for Obama's radical Islamic policies. Oops, she said she meant to say environmental policies. Bullshit. Both of them said what they meant to say. It's what they believe, so why try to hide or disguise it? Because they're stone cold hypocrites that's why.

When they get caught saying what they really mean they back track and claim they were misquoted. Bullshit. Conservatives are all about making others take responsibility for their actions but they demand you don't hold them accountable for theirs.

Tell me again why idiots like these need to be in power? And why I should listen to them.

Religious hypocrisy round up

• Rick Santorum said that Obama's theology wasn't a real theology, meaning of course that Rick thinks Obama isn't a real Christian because he isn't an intolerant gay hating women fearing Catholic. Lil' Ricky thinks that Protestants aren't real Christians as well, he said so in a speech. To these religious nut jobs if you're not exactly like them then you're not a Christian at all, which then means they can dismiss, marginalize, and ultimately do violence towards you, all in the name of getting you saved so you can be like them.
• Westboro Baptist can't even be bothered to protest at funerals any more. They photoshopped themselves into the site where Whitney Houston's funeral was being held. Look, if the usual suspects who are perpetually outraged over everything can't get off their asses to make all Christians look bad, then please corporate media, stop giving hateful pricks like them so much attention.
  
• It's a shame tens of Catholics are outraged over Catholic institutions that get federal money having to provide access to birth control but they're silent about their church's commitment to universal health care for all, ending war, and treating the poor with dignity. Once again the rights of fetuses who might exist trump those of people who are already born.
  

Here's a few words from a minister about the current contraception brouhaha

Greetings my children. I'm the Right Reverend Peter Smell-stink. Please allow me to explain why we in positions of power in the Christian faith don't want women getting free birth control pills.

The purpose of sex is to make new babies so that they can grow up to be damned for not doing what we in the church say. That's it. This 'sex is a gift from God to be enjoyed when ever you feel like it' nonsense has got to stop. Sex is for making babies and that's it. And if those babies don't grow up to be Christians who accept everything we tell them, then they're going to hell and so are you for bringing the god damned little heretics in to the world.

If sex was for pleasure, which it isn't, then women could have sex all the time without making babies. We all know women can't control themselves. When they see a man, any man, they want to have sex with him. If they're free from the constraints of having to make babies, then it's anarchy. Why women will be wanting to have sex with

• Negroes
  
• Indians
• Beatniks
• Buggerers
• the Irish
• liberals
• Canadians
• Mexicans
• Irish emigres
  
• Methodists
• college professors
• Communists
• the Notre Dame Fighting Irish
• Democrats
• atheists
• handymen
• Irish setters
• drunks
• med students
• lawyers
• Mackerel snappers
• NBA players
• chimney sweeps
• boot blacks
• drug store cowboys
• Guinness drinkers
• feckers
• Paddys
• Fenians
• and scientists
  

And many more I assure you. If history has taught us anything, it's that women have no control over their lady parts and that they need men of God to tell them how to use and not use that slippery devil thing between their legs. So, really, we're just doing them a favor when we tell them what to do with their bodies, that way they've got plenty or time to think about women's things. Things like ribbons, baking, cleaning, having babies, flower arranging, and not having sex for pleasure.

Thanks very much for your time and I'm sure I won't see many of you in heaven, unless you do what we tell you and you give us all your money and stop asking us for any accountability. Jesus told us he hates it when you ask us to be accountable. We mean it. Now go away and make sure no women are out there fornicating.