Look, it's not my fault I let that mass shooting go down in Connecticut yesterday. Really it's not. Just because I created the world and everything in it, and yes I created puppies, waterfalls, sunshine, HIV/AIDS, childhood cancer, fat smelly asses, pedophile priests, pollution, Fox News, ponies, and everything else, doesn't mean it's my fault. I created you humans who created guns and bullets, I never dreamed you idiots would put the two of them together so quickly. I gifted the beings on Platzorp 5 with the same knowledge but after the first time someone got killed by a gun they decided not to use guns and bullets.
But you know what? I fucking told you people time and time again to praise me more often, so if you had been praising me more you'd have less time to shoot and kill little innocent kids. So really, this mass shooting is on you. It's your fault. You didn't praise me enough. I wanted more burnt offerings of animals and what did you give me? The motherfucking Kardashians, Survivor, and Lindsay Lohan as Liz fucking Taylor in a Lifetime movie. Do you not see now why I had to turn a blind eye to your children.
And another reason this tragedy in Connecticut went down was maybe I was busy answering the prayers of Christians who I actually like. Maybe I was distracted when I was telling Pat Robertson all kinds of whacked out shit. Hey, it's not like I'm a great multitasker after all, sure I created everything and I've been around forever and I write the songs that make the young girls sing but you know what? I did all that shit but I've never been to me. This 'deity' gig is hard sometimes. So please, shut up, this is hard. If you think it's not, then you try it. Oh wait you can't because you're not me and I'm infallible.
My ways are mysterious, so fuck you. Get off my back.