"We're not allowed to stone homosexuals to death or to discriminate against the filthy Jews who killed our Lord Jesus. If that's not persecution, then I don't know what is."
"I'm forced to work outside the home in violation of Biblical laws. If the government doesn't give me money so I can stay home and raise my kids to be as intolerant as me, then it's persecuting me. Praise Jesus!"
"I'm a Canadian who gets government run health care, so of course I'm not a Christian."
"I believe God shat out the universe one day after he ate a bad cosmic burrito. The local schools and colleges won't let me teach that in their classrooms. That's how they're persecuting me. I'm praying for God to smite them with his holy shit if they don't let me teach my side of the creation story."
"I have to serve with gay people now. Sure, I volunteered for service, but I never volunteered to serve with competent gay men. I volunteered to serve with gays who speak in a falsetto voice, have limp wrists, dress in drag, and who want to have sex with anything that moves. You know, just like all the stereotypes you hear about in church from your secretly gay minister who blows you at the glory hole but won't look you in the eye when he does it."
"I'm being persecuted for my faith in medieval science. And because I'm an Anabaptist, those god damn Southern Baptists are making my life a living hell. And don't get me started on those motherfucking freewill Baptists."