Greetings my children. I'm the Right Reverend Peter Smell-stink. Please allow me to explain why we in positions of power in the Christian faith don't want women getting free birth control pills.
The purpose of sex is to make new babies so that they can grow up to be damned for not doing what we in the church say. That's it. This 'sex is a gift from God to be enjoyed when ever you feel like it' nonsense has got to stop. Sex is for making babies and that's it. And if those babies don't grow up to be Christians who accept everything we tell them, then they're going to hell and so are you for bringing the god damned little heretics in to the world.
If sex was for pleasure, which it isn't, then women could have sex all the time without making babies. We all know women can't control themselves. When they see a man, any man, they want to have sex with him. If they're free from the constraints of having to make babies, then it's anarchy. Why women will be wanting to have sex with
- the Irish
- Irish emigres
- college professors
- the Notre Dame Fighting Irish
- Irish setters
- med students
- Mackerel snappers
- NBA players
- chimney sweeps
- boot blacks
- drug store cowboys
- Guinness drinkers
- and scientists
And many more I assure you. If history has taught us anything, it's that women have no control over their lady parts and that they need men of God to tell them how to use and not use that slippery devil thing between their legs. So, really, we're just doing them a favor when we tell them what to do with their bodies, that way they've got plenty or time to think about women's things. Things like ribbons, baking, cleaning, having babies, flower arranging, and not having sex for pleasure.
Thanks very much for your time and I'm sure I won't see many of you in heaven, unless you do what we tell you and you give us all your money and stop asking us for any accountability. Jesus told us he hates it when you ask us to be accountable. We mean it. Now go away and make sure no women are out there fornicating.