Environmental activist Marjora Carter has a question for you

"Was I the only one who noticed Word of the Week was missing this week?"

Apparently. Ms. Carter is there anything else you'd like to ask?

"Sure. Does everyone think Dr. Monkey is as dreamy as I do?"

Awwww, thanks Majora. I think you're pretty darn dreamy yourself.

Holy Jeebus, get a room you two.

Pop Culture Friday

Welcome to Pop Culture Friday, a new recurring feature, actually it will recur as long as I remember to do it each week, here on Mnkey Muck. Every Friday the folks over at the Onion AV club do a feature where they answer questions about pop culture. So the idea Pop Culture Friday is if I like that week's question then I will chime in with my answer here on my blog.

This week's question is, "What are your pop culture sacred cows?"

Mine are the movie Heathers and three of the films from Monty Python.

Heathers is perhaps the finest, funniest black comedy ever made and if you have seen it and you don't agree with me on that then we're going to have a problem. I first saw it with a gal I was living with, this was before I met Sparky, and as I was watching it I was laughing like crazy because I got it. I understood the jokes and the references they were making and I laughed my ass off while she and I watched it. The gal I was with had no idea why I was laughing, she did not get it at all. In fact, she kept hitting me and telling me to shut up because it wasn't right that I was laughing at all the 'bad' stuff in the movie. She and I did not last but Heathers did.

Okay, I'll be magnanimous and give you a pass if you saw Heathers and didn't get it. But I swear if you saw any of the following movies:and you didn't like them or you thought they were not funny then you and I can never be friends. I can understand why some people don't like the old Monty Python TV shows, especially young people who never had to live in the comedy deprived world we who grew up in the 60's and 70's did, because some of the episodes are a bit dated now. But I draw the line at these three cinematic comedy Python classics. If you don't like them then you need to have your funny bone examined because it's broken. Or perhaps you might be a humorless right winger or tight assed Christian who hates it when people laugh and have fun. If that's the case then I don't want to be friends with you anyway.

Long live Heathers and Monty Python!

Cooking with Dr. Monkey

Today's episode: Super simple no rise flatbread

I got this recipe out of Healthy Cooking magazine and they got it from a cookbook called Douglas Rodriguez's Latin Flavors on the Grill. I've made it several times now so I'm pretty confident sharing it with you all. Most recently I made a rosemary garlic version of this flatbread and here's how I did it:
First I minced up some rosemary and three cloves of garlic. Next I put one tablespoon of honey, one tablespoon of dry active yeast, and two cups of warm water in a bowl and I mixed them together and let it all sit for ten minutes. The mixture should foam up a bit but if it doesn't, don't worry because it's flabread and it doesn't rise anyway.
This bread can be made on the grill outdoors but since it's winter here I made it on the stove using the cast iron grill fry pan Sparky got me for Christmas a couple of years ago. If you make this on your stove then this step is crucial, while your yeast mixture is foaming, put your pan on to get it nice and hot. You want it really hot before you lay your first piece of bread in the pan. After the yeast mixture sat for ten minutes I added to it three and a half cups of flour, a teaspoon and a half of salt, and the rosemary and garlic. I mixed it all together adding a half a cup of flour a little at a time until it was a nice big ball like in the photo above.
Next I tore off little portions of it, they were a little bit bigger than a golf ball and I patted them out on a floured cutting board.
When they were flat enough I brushed one side of the dough with extra virgin olive oil.Then I put them in my hot pan olive oil side down. ThenI brushed the top of the bread with a little oilve oil and I let it cook about three or four minutes on each side. If you make this you'll get a good feel for when you should turn each piece. Repeat the last few steps until all your dough is gone. Here's what my latest batch of flatbread looked like:It's perfectly fine to get parts of it charred or blackened like I did to mine. In fact you want a little color on both sides. If you make this bread be prepared to get a little messy, you'll have to flour your hands and whatever surface you pat your bread out on several times because the dough is sticky. From start to finish this batch took me about 30 minutes so as you can tell it's super quick and super easy to make. And it's mighty tasty too.

My advice, Mr. President, is to:

Stop.

Stop trying to work with the Congressional Republicans on the stimulus package. Their leader Rush Limbo has already given his party members their marching orders and those orders are to make sure you fail. They voted en masse against your package even after you put things in it to appease them. They have shown that they have no interest in working with you, moving our economy and our country forward, or doing what's best for the highest amount of people so my advice to you is to stop placating them and move on.

********

Also sir, stop with the tax cut nonsense. Tax cuts never work and they do not stimulate anything. They take money out of the federal treasury at a time when we need all the cash we can get. If I were you, instead of cutting taxes, I'd raise taxes on the wealthiest Americans and on big American corporations who are sending jobs over seas.

********

We, liberals and progressives, won the past two elections so let's grow a pair and start governing with our interests in mind instead of the conservatives. They had their chance and they failed because conservatism doesn't work for the vast majority of the people in this country, but progressivism damn sure does and it's our country's last best hope of returning to greatness after the debacle of the Bush years.

********

Please get on with the business of being a progressive President and let's bring an end to the war of terror on Iraq, get health care or at least Medicare for all Americans, let's rebuild our infrastructure, and let's stop asking for help from the people who got us into this mess in the first place. Tax cutters, deregulators, and the greed of big business got us into this mess and only a big juicy Presidential stimulus package can get us out of it.

********

We're counting on you big guy, don't let us down.

Well, this move is sure to piss off the PUMAs

President Obama signed the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay act into law today and hot chicks with douchebags every where celebrated accordingly.

Has the cold and the snow got you down?

Maybe a look at my adopted Irish actor will snap you out of it. Here's Ms. Eva Birthistle smiling away the gloom of a winters day for you:
Haven't seen any of her movies yet? Why shame on you! Rectify that by watching A Fond Kiss and Breakfast on Pluto right away.

Protecting Our Food

I put all the photos and a few illustrations from the 1966 USDA (United States Department of Agriculture) handbook entitled Protecting Our Food on Flickr.

It's chock full of photos of pesticides being applied, scientists working to come up with more additives, farmers, people working in food related plants, grocery shoppers, and animals and insects. I was surprised to find this photo of a young, hungry, but happy John Kruk in amongst the photos, but there he was nonetheless:
And this sexy thing is Pestina:
She was a cartoon that reminded people who travelled outside the country to check their clothes and luggage for unwanted bugs that might hitch a ride in to the USA and ruin our food supply. I'd kind of like to see her and Judy Jetson kiss and fool around a little bit. What? Did I say that out loud? Sorry.

Anyhoo, you can see all the cheesy vintage USDA goodness by clicking here.

"Holy Jeebus, you mean there's 25 more things about you that you haven't told us yet?"

What can I say? I got tagged twice with the '25 Things About Me' meme that's going around, so I'm going back to the well to dredge up more arcane facts about me. Here we go:

1) I'm pretty steamed that the candy bar companies came out with exotic versions of standard candy bars after I had to stop eating them because of my heart attack.
2) At a very young age I suspected that I would like drinking alcoholic drinks. It turns out I was right.
3) Although I like to have a drink, I rarely get drunk because I know when to say when.
4) Cities I have lived in include Detroit and Howell Michigan, Bristol TN/VA, Kingsport TN, Johnson City TN, Knoxville TN, and Roanoke VA.
5) I knew Marisa Tomei was going to a big star the first time I ever saw her on TV.
6) I can't stand Julia Roberts, Matthew Broderick, and Sarah Jessica Parker. They all creep me out. If it turns out that I creep them out too, then that's okay by me.
7) I think of my friend Todd, who I met when we auditioned for the improv comedy group in Knoxville, as the brother I never knew I had. I think of my friend Keith, who I met because he read my blog, in the same way. Ditto for Johnny Yen, Bubs, and Samurai Frog.
8) The friends we made through our anti war/pro peace activism are some of the finest people I have ever known and I love hanging out with them.
9) I could eat my body weight in Cadbury Mini Eggs.
10) As I have grown older my taste buds have matured and I now love certain foods that I would have never eaten as a youth.
11) I've seen They Might Be Giants, Tina Turner, Alice Cooper, Ozzy Osborne, John Prine, Nancy Griffith, Delbert McClinton, and ZZ Top in concert. And out of those folks, Tina Turner put on the best show, hands down. No contest.
12) Sometimes I knock the small conservative college that I went to but I would not trade my experiences or the friendships I made there for anything.
13) I will never ever watch an episode of any of those Housewive's of... shows on Bravo. Same goes for any incarnation of Survivor, The Amazing Race, and American Idol.
14) I'm still amazed that so many people read my blog. I'm even more amazed that so many of you comment on some of the nonsense that I write.
15) I loved spending time with my maternal grandmother because she was such a good cook. My maternal grandfather scared the heck out of me though.
16) I love to cuss god damn it.
17) I don't believe in gods, in any organized religion, or in that book of fairy tales called the Bible, but I do believe in reincarnation. However, I don't believe there is a celestial being or a moral code that decides how we get reincarnated though. I think that when we die our energy gets put into the next thing that is born, be it a human baby, a puppy, a cat, an insect, a fish, whatever. So basically it's a crap shoot what we come back as in my opinion.
18) I was only in the San Francisco airport for about an hour one day but while I was there I saw some of the most beautiful women I have ever seen in my life.
19) Speaking of beautiful women, the first time I ever saw Sparky I was blown away not just by her looks, but by her acting talent as well. I saw her in a play at a dinner theatre and she was by far the most talented person on that stage that night. And she was always the most talented person in every play I ever saw her do after that as well, and that includes the ones she and I did together too.
20) As long as my hands and feet stay warm I can deal with the cold weather outside.
21) I think that mixed martial arts is the human equivalent of dog fighting and bear baiting. It's the skeeviest thing I ever saw and if I never see a second of it again in my life I'll be happy.
22) The three long term romantic relationships I've had in my life have all been with women who are brunettes.
23) I can tell in an instant if a new TV show is going to suck and be cancelled quickly. Seriously, the networks should hire me to rate their pilots, I could save them a fortune.
24) I'm hoping that the only reason we ever have to move again is because we hit the Powerball or Mega Millions jackpot.
25) If I did win either or both of those jackpots, I'd buy a house in Asheville NC, one in Atlantic Beach NC, and one in Vancouver, Canada.

Before getting their freak on...

...all the diplomats like to listen to a little Judas Priest.

I'm just wild about Harry

I just finished the last book in the Harry Potter series and instead of doing a review of it, I'm going to share my thoughts on the whole series because I just know you all are dying to hear them, so here we go:

• I adore JK Rowling. I think she's the best. She was a penniless single mom when she began the series and now she's a wealthy woman with a legion of fans. I'm not happy she and her publisher sued that dude who wrote that reference book about her series, but there you go, it just shows you she's not perfect.
• I don't think Ms. Rowling is a great writer but I do think she is a great story teller. And honestly, I'd rather read great story rather than a great writer. Great writers are read by pasty faced literary geeks who live to nit pick great story tellers.
• I started reading the Harry Potter series right before the first movie came out. I bought the first book in a trade paperback edition. I got the second and third ones from the library. The fourth one I bought new and the fifth and sixth ones I bought used. I traded all three back to my local used book store for other books. The seventh one was loaned to me by my young friend and some time disc golf companion, Quinn.
• I read the first few books out of sequence. I read the first one, then the third, then the second one. After that I read the rest of them in order. My favorite one is the fourth one Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.
• I'm not one of those adults who dressed up like one of the characters and went to the book store parties but if I had a kid who was into doing that then I'd have been all over it.
• One of the reasons why I love the Harry Potter books so much is because I relate to Harry so much. I know what it's like to have my parents die and be sent to a house where I was a second and sometimes third class citizen. I know what it's like to have had my possessions, my opinions, my feelings be discounted by an authority figure. I know how good it felt to go to school where I was away from my crazy aunt, her husband, and their savage children. I know how elated I was when I went to college knowing that I was away from those people and how I did most anything I could to keep from going back "home" on holidays. And like Harry I blossomed while away at school because I could finally be closer to who I really was. I did not have to hide who I was any more out of fear of being beaten up, ostracized, or embarrassed by my cousins and their mother. Another reason why I like the Harry Potter books is because they tell a rollicking good story.
• I think that it's great that so many kids got turned on to reading because of the Harry Potter books. Any adult who bitches about the story, the characters, or JK Rowling's writing is an idiot because these books got so many kids hooked on the printed word. So what if all they read is fantasy right now? They'll branch out later and read other books and that's what's important.
• I laugh like crazy when I hear other writers bitch about the Harry Potter series. To me it's just professional jealousy. I've heard Harold Bloom, he's a snobby academic, and Nick Hornby bitch about adults reading the Harry Potter books, but if they sold a tenth of her books then they'd be happy as pigs in shit. Every kid or adult reading a Harry Potter book is one who is not reading some dry dusty fussy book about Shakespeare that was written by Bloom or a book about what a beautiful game soccer is by Hornby. Get your noses out of the air gentlemen and if you two are lucky then some of those kids who love reading might read one of your books one day.
• I love the Harry Potter movies as well. I get a little choked up watching the first one when Hagrid comes to get Harry to take him to Hogwarts for the first time.
• One of these days I'll get all of the Harry Potter movies on DVD.

Like hell they will

I saw this on a sign at a local Pizza Hut near our house:

We will

cater your

next party

My first thought after reading it was, "Damn, that's pretty presumptuous of them."

One of my favorite songs ever

Here's the video of one of my favorite songs ever, XTC's Mayor of Simpleton. Andy Partridge is a hero to all us aging bespectacled blond guys.

In all the years it's been out, today was the first time I had ever seen it. It sounds as fresh today as when it came out around 20 years ago.

Coming soon to VH1

A Shot of Bovine Love.

Swag Update

Long time blog pal Matty Boy sent me this little dude: He's skateboarding cape wearing vampire monkey. It came with a little ring and chain so one could use him as a key chain if one wishes but I didn't put it on him. He has joined his other simain brothers atop my computer tower:Yay swag! Yay Matty Boy! Yay giant women who Matty Boy loves!

Story time

Once upon a time there was a bunny puppet who was raised by decent puppets who taught him to be kind and helpful, to respect the earth and all it's creatures, and to do his best to treat others how he would want to be treated.
The bunny had been exposed to organized religion and after a few flings with it decided that it was not for him. And that made many other puppets mad.
They said, "Grrr, you have to believe like we do or you are going to hell!"

"Okay, whatever," said the bunny. And he went on with his life.

But the puppets who believed in organized religion would not let it go. They wanted to make the bunny believe in the same things they did.

The said, "If you don't believe like we do then our God will get mad at you. He put you here so you can praise him all the day long and you'd better do it. Also our religion gives you the guidelines for how you should live your life, so you better get on board mister."

The bunny told them, "Hang on a second. Do you mean to tell me that you only do helpful and kind things because you think your God will like it if you do them? You're nice to people and you help them out only because you are afraid if you don't that your God will get pissed off at you? Shouldn't you do those things because they are the right thing to do no matter what?"

This use of logic made some of the religious puppets madder. A chorus of them shouted at the bunny puppet, "Don't you want to go to heaven?"

The bunny puppet said, "If heaven is going to be full of puppets who praise God on Sunday and or in front of others and then who go about being hateful to puppets they disagree with then I think I'll skip it, thank you very much. If heaven is going to be full of puppets who profess a deep love and devotion to a god they can't see or hear but who neglect, marginalize, and demonize puppets who they can see and hear and who hate puppets who are black, gay, or don't believe as they do, then I'll pass on your heaven. If heaven is going to be populated with puppets who destroyed civilizations and areas of the earth in an effort to bring their god to others, then I'll think I stay away from that place."

The other puppets then mocked the bunny for not swallowing the story being constantly hawked by some religious puppets. They set the bunny up as an example of how not to behave and they said he was public enemy #1 because he thought for himself and he did not let those in the church do his thinking for him.

The bunny kept on living his life without religion. He saw that religion was helpful to some people and that it could be a force for good if implemented properly. And he also saw how some puppets used religion to further their greed, hatred, and intolerance. He saw how some used religion as a weapon to kill other puppets, as a soapbox to spread hatred, and as way to poison and pervert many easily manipulated minds. Even though he saw all that he tried to live and let live. He did not try to sway anyone over to his point of view even though there were many puppets who worked incessantly to try to get him to become religious like them.

As time went on the bunny saw that there were more and more puppets like him, puppets who did not follow any religion but who were good puppets who thought for themselves, were kind to others and to the planet, and who did their best to be good citizens.But for some religious puppets that was not good enough and they are still to this day trying like hell to snare the bunny and his fellow non believing compatriots into their religious traps.

********

How this story ends is up to you. You can either live free and think for yourself or you can follow the other puppets. I've made my choice, you can do what's best for you.

My new best friends

I picked up Elizabeth Kucinich
and Keith Olbermann as friends on Facebook recently. How cool is that?
But don't you worry none, you're still my bestest friend ever!

You can rest easy now

This blog has been:

Sure, it didn't pass but it was inspected nonetheless.

Best blog name ever...

...is this one.

I love my local library

I do, I love my local library.

I love my local library waaaaaaaay more than any human should. And it's not just because my friend Bob is the new big cheese at the library, although that's part of it. I love my local library because it's huge, it's well lit, it has books, magazines, CD's, DVD's, graphic novels, and because it's within walking distance of my house. But the reason I am loving my local library today is because they had a massive used book sale there today.

They had a deal where you pay $20 bucks and you could get all the books you could pack in a box. When we found that out we went wild. Sparky got a bunch of novels and a few non fiction books as well and I got these books:
A Foot in the Grave has some really cool and creepy illustrations in it. Zhou Enlai has great shots of vintage Communists in it. Puppet Making spoke to me and it said, "Touch the puppet head." I look forward to reading the slim novel about how Napoleon cheated death.

I really made a score when I picked up those two USDA books about our nation's food supply, one is from 1966 and the other is from 1969. They both are packed with great vintage photos of farms, animals, people, and food from that era. I got a book about by a guy who directed exploitation movies in the '50's, '60's and '70's, a book about the history of wine, and a book of essay's on food.
Speaking of food, I found four, count them four, cookbooks that are filled with pictures of bad food. I can wait to share them with you on my blogs and on Flickr.

Thanks Johnson City Public Library!

Swag update

My old college buddy Joe sent me some cool swag. He picked me up a couple of packs of these:
How nifty is that?

I hooked back up with Joe through our mutual college buddy Yvonne and I hooked back up with Yvonne through Facebook. We're all burning up teh internets now with emails and Facebook posts and chats. I know when he invented the internet Al Gore was only trying to make the dream of a free porn delivery system real but I'm loving this side effect of Al's invention.

Thanks for the swag Joe! You rock buddy.

Pompadour alert!

I'd like to be able to say that this dude wasn't buying off brand intimate area personal lubricant, spices made in Bosnia, and Christmas CD's that featured the song stylings of people you never heard of, but I can't.

Where are my manners?

Honestly, I'm such a bad blogger because my good friend Liberality, the hottest librarian ever, gave me this award a week ago and I'm just now getting around to thanking her for it. It's always an honor to be given an award and this one is especially nice since it was given to me by such a smart and beautiful woman. I'm proud to be your friend Liberality and thanks for not only being a long time reader of this blog, thanks for all the great blogging you do and all the great library work you do as well. Madam, you rock.Now I get to award this to some folks:

• K-Line from Toronto gets one because she's such a great gal and great commenter on this blog.
• Barb the Bad Tempered Zombie gets one because she's not only into Radiohead and other cool bands, she's into books as well.
• Tanya Espanya gets one because in between sending me postcards, late holiday cards, taking care of Alexander, and not cooking, she reads a book or two.
• Wandering Coyote gets one because she's a very cute voracious reader and a great cook.
• And finally Suzy the Quaker Vixen gets one because she's a cold weather lovin' reading monster.
  

Thanks again Liberality for the award and for all the kind things you say about my blog.

You know who I really miss?

This guy:

Sunshine patriots

While flipping through the cable channels one night a few years ago I came upon Bill O'Reilly's show for a moment. He and Dennis Miller were bleating some nonsense designed to whip up the meth addicted rubes and the anti immigration nut jobs who polish their guns as soon as they get off work and get back to their trailers. I remember that Miller was saying something to the effect of, "We're in a war Cha Cha and we all damn well better support the President in this thing." Bill O screamed something and then Miller shot back, "Ya know what Billy? I'm supporting the President during war. I don't care if the President is George W. Bush or Hillary Clinton, I'm standing behind the President because I'm a good American like that." Then he made a reference to Kaiser Wilhelm, Polynesian fire dancers, and the Department of Agriculture. His reference, like most of his shtick, was inane and idiotic so I turned it. But that brief exchange stuck in my mind because I knew then that a Democrat was going to win the White House and I hoped that Dennis and his fellow travellers on the right would actually follow through on supporting a Democratic Party President during this time of "war."

Well, after a couple of days I see that they're not going to do what Miller said they should do. The fat drug addict Limbaugh says that he hopes Obama fails. I'm not sure what excuse Miller is going to give for not backing our new Commander in Chief and I doubt I'll ever know it because I don't watch Bill O's show.

And the little people who the big guns in conservative media say they speak for sure as hell aren't supporting our President in this time of war. Case in point, an old college acquaintance of mine. Long time readers of my blog will remember that I went to a small conservative Christian college. And the so called Reagan revolution was going on when I was in school. My college was conservative religiously and politically. If you had scratched some of those right wingers I went to college with you would have found Nazi's underneath.

Well I reconnected with a gal I went to college with on Facebook recently and after I put up a note on inauguration day that said I hoped Bush and Cheney would be tried for their war crimes she commented back that the Bush bashing should stop and that the faulty intelligence that led us to war was the fault of Bill Clinton, who according to her looked the other way in the hunt for Bin Laden, and not George W. Bush. I was amazed, but not surprised, that she was laying the fiasco known as the war of terror on Iraq at the feet of Bill Clinton.

My good friend Vikkitikkitavi proceeded to educate my poor misinformed old college acquaintance. When confronted with the facts, which are always pesky problematic things to a conservative, my college acquaintance became shriller in her defense of her position and her man George W. Bush. I jumped in and tried to mollify and educate the poor girl but alas she was having none of it. In some of her early comments she said that the inauguration showed that America was a great democracy and that she was proud Obama had just been sworn in but a few comments later she said something to the effect of, "Ya'll should be happy, you got your President and change is a comin'!" I wanted to remind her that we all got a new President and that while I may not agree with everything he says or does, he is the President of all the people of this country and he's going to work for all the people, not just church going, gun owning, easily manipulated intellectually bankrupt hicks like her and her family. But as I was writing up a stinging reply to her last comment I remembered that trying to educate a misguided conservative is as big a waste of time as trying to teach a pig to sing is. Pigs can't sing no matter how hard you try to make them and conservatives never learn no matter how many facts you put in front of them.

So it's like I thought it was going to be, Dennis Miller, Bill O, Sean Hannity, Mike Malkin, Mann Coulter, and Laura C. from King College have no intention of supporting our new President in a time of war, even though they insisted that we support the idiot who took us to Iraq based on faulty intelligence that he had fabricated to support his case for war. The folks on the right are patriots when one of theirs is leading the country but when a Democrat is in charge they can't be bothered to support him.

Bless you Jean Luc

Fez tip to Why, That's Delightful!

They'd like to thank the Academy

The Oscar nominations are out and without having seen any of the nominated films yet, here's my picks:

Best Picture-Milk. The members of the academy are still stinging from criticism about not naming Brokeback Mountain best picture a few years back so they'll vote in droves for Gus Van Sant's Harvey Milk bio pic.

Actor-Mickey Rourke. Hollywood loves a comeback. Sean Penn might win again but the odds are against him because he's alread won for a lesser role in a lesser film.

Actress-Kate Winslet. After being nominated so many times and not winning, Kate finally gets her Oscar this year. And when you look at her body of work, she deserves it.

Supporting Actor-Heath Ledger. No contest.

Supporting Actress-Amy Adams. The academy will forgive her for that horrid piece of crap princess movie she made with Disney a few years ago and they'll give her an Oscar for her otherwise wise acting choices. For my money she should have won an Oscar for her performance in June Bug a few years back.

Best Director-Danny Boyle. His film Slumdog Millionaire will get passed over for the Oscar but the academy won't over look the man who made it.

We'll have to wait for Oscar night to see if I'm right.

Why do guys love comic books so much?

It must be because of the stories. Yeah, that's it.

The stories.

Word of the week

Here's Shakira with the word of the week:
"The word of the week this week mi amigos is fabulosity. It means the quality of being fabulous. Adios!"

Now that Obama is President...

...when do the gay marriages start?
When do the Muslim terrorists take over?
When does American business fall to it's knees?
When does government get in people's way like Sarah Palin told us it would?
When does all the wealth get redistributed?
When do we switch to socialized medicine?
When do we switch to socialism period?
When does Bill Ayers face go on the dollar bill?
Where is my copy of the Koran and which mosque do I attend?
When will all the churches be closed?
How do I help round up all the pregnant women so that they can have the abortions they've always dreamed about?
What time are we surrendering in the war on terror?
How quickly can we start blaming Bill Clinton for the mess Obama just inherited?
When will Keith Olbermann become head of the FCC?

Someone please get back to me on those burning question ASAP. In the mean time while I wait for the answers I'm going to burn some American flags and persecute some Baptists. Yee haa! I love having a Marxist President!

Cooking with Dr. Monkey

Today's episode: Bloopers and outtakes!

I know this may come as a shock to some of you but I am not perfect and sometimes neither is my cooking. But most of the time that imperfect cooking doesn't make it into these 'Cooking with Dr. Monkey' posts. Until now that it is. After doing literally tens of good cooking posts it's time to do a cooking post that lifts the lid off my culinary skills and shows you the soft white underbelly of my kitchen.

First off, the eagle eyed among you will notice that these are 'Cooking with...' not 'Baking with...' posts. The reason for that is because I can't bake worth a damn. My cakes are heavier than a truck load of bricks. Pies that I make are considered weapons of culinary destruction by the United Nations. And my cookies are so spongy the EPA uses them to mop up oil slicks. I bake only one thing well and that's banana bread. Luckily for me we live about three blocks from a bakery that makes kick ass bread and I also live with Sparky who can bake bread, cookies, pies,and cakes, when she wants to that is. Here's a shot of me cursing the dark gods of baking: Luckily for you I don't do a post about every thing I make us for dinner because sometimes what I make sucks hairy balls. For instance one night before we moved out of our old condo I made a vegetable curry that was so bad it was nearly toxic. I had to bury it out in the back yard because I was afraid it was going to somehow come to life and have enough primitive intelligence to know that I had inflicted it upon the world and that it would hunt me down and make me pay by imprisoning me in a tub of tepid bath water while it sang Barry Manilow songs to me for the rest of my life.

And now to liven things up a bit in this post, here's my Whiskeymarie impression:
Woot, that was fun, huh. Yeah I thought so too. Suck it Whiskey, you got nothing on me girl! Is your sink as full of dirty dishes as mine is? I didn't think so Miss Perfect, so nah nah nah.
Look closely at the above picture and you can see my toothbrush! Oh hey, here's a bit of trivia for you, did you know that the toothbrush was invented here in Tennessee? Yes, it sure was. You know how we know it was? If it had been invented anywhere else it would have been called a 'teeth' brush! Thanks. I'm here all week. Try the tofurky and don't forget to tip your waitress on your way out.

Who's ready for an artsy shot of my the kitchen where I work my culinary magic?
Oh. No one was. Well, uh, ummm, sorry then.

I've been experimenting with some low fat versions of some old favorite dishes and here's how all that has been going:
For some reason Sparky hasn't taken a liking to my version of Swedish Meatballs. Yet. I've got a few months to convince her though, Annika's visa doesn't run out until April.

I was working the kinks out of a Beef Wellington recipe. The first time I made it it came out looking like this:

The second time I made it it came out looking like this:

The third time I made it it came out looking like two Korean boy paper dolls in traditional dress:

There will not be a fourth time.

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And finally let's end on a positive note with a picture of me giving the bird to a piece of flat bread: Now that's something you don't see every day. No need to thank me for showing it to you, it's all part of the majesty that is Monkey.