This just in...

John McCain has suspended his presidential campaign once again. He says he'll keep it suspended until President Obama drops the public option or until he gets a bottle of bourbon to mix with his Ensure. Stay tuned for more details on this developing story...

And now here's a message from the McCain campaign

"My friends, these are tough times. Money is tight for most of you, so Cindy and I wanted to remind you that:

I'm John McCain and I approved this message because I ate horsemeat when I was a POW and it didn't kill me."

What's in your eye?

"The last bit of self respect I had. I need to get it the hell out of there, now leave me alone! Hey, there's a cloud up there! Go away you god damned cloud, don't you know who I am? Grrrrrrr."

Who's outraged today?

Washington DC lobbyist and Bush McCain campaign flunky Nancy Pootycooter:

"I'm outraged more people don't want a third Bush term like I do. Me and my rich lobbyist friends did really well under the first two scandal plagued terms of Bush McCain, so we'd really clean up in the third one."

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Democratic Party traitor and insider James Carville:

"I'm outraged I got stuck with Mary Matalin when I could have been nailing Nancy Pootycooter. Seriously, what the hell was I thinking marrying horsey ol' Mary when I could have had a fine piece of steak like Pootypants."

********

Salma Hayek:

"I'm outraged that Dr. Monkey has not put me on his blog more often. I used to be on here all the time, now I'm hardly ever on here. What's up with that shit Monkey?"

********

Cindy McCain:"I'm outraged that you took a photo of me with out all my make up on. I look terrible! My two lady friends look better than I do right now. I'll get you for this, I swear it."

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Cletus P. Bledsoe Jr. the third:

"I'm upset that we got an uppity negro running for President. I like all my Presidents to be lily white like my purty backside."

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Republican gadfly Ron Paul:

"I'm outraged that I have to pay taxes. I don't want to pay taxes. The government should not collect taxes or do things for people. Only corporations and big business should be doing things for people and they should only do it for a profit. Hey, I think I crapped my pants again, can I have another cookie and some Thorazine?"

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Former POW and current cause of partisan gridlock in Washington DC John Bush-McCain:

"I'm outraged that I had to wait so long to be President! I was entitled to it years ago! My daddy was an admiral and so was my grandfather, so that means I get to be President. If you don't elect me I'll kick your motherf*cking ass you damn pansy!"

********

A cute little piggy:

"I'm outraged that people keep using the word 'pig' and Sarah Palin in the same sentence. We're much cuter than she is and we don't want the government to tell you what to do with your body. And we don't go around telling people to pray to some wrathful diety who hates gay people for stupid shit like natural gas pipelines. Oh yeah, we also don't go around saying that the immoral war in Iraq is 'God's will' either. Vote Obama/Biden '08!"

McCain's Veep Choice Revealed!

I am pleased as punch to bring you all a world exclusive! Unimpeachable sources tell me that Bush McCain has made his choice for Vice President. My sources tell me that the Bush McCain campaign looked long and hard until they found a candidate who made their Presidential nominee look young and virile by comparison, so Sen. McCain and his team have chosen:

The Crypt Keeper!

Remember when...

...older guys in funny looking pants could get young boys to do their bidding?

No?

Well Bush McCain does and if he gets elected he'll take us back to those days.

Here's Cindy Bush-McCain with a joke for you

I went to a bar the other night with some Republican ladywife friends and I ordered a whiskey sour with a side of prescription drugs. The bartender gave me my drink and pills and he said, "That'll be 1500 bucks." That's chump change to me so I paid him. He then said, "You know we don't often get presumptive nominee's wives in here buying drinks." So I said to him, "And at these prices you won't get many more!" Hahahahahahahaha.

My friends, isn't Cindy great? She's proud of her country 24/7, unlike me who finds it tough to be proud of my country at times. Thank you Cindy for financing my public career and for not telling people I call you a 'cunt,' oops, I mean thanks for telling that joke. If my campaign just keeps telling jokes then no one will notice that I flip flop on issues every day and that my economic advisers and myself are responsible for most of the economic mess we find ourselves in now.

Shut your mouth soldier boy, you promised me a drink and more pills if I told that joke, now pay up or I'll cut you off from my millions.

My friends, we've got to go. See you later!

Yes please

Please, please, please Sen. Bush McCain, please pick Greasy Giuliani to be your running mate.

If you do then we can expect exchanges like this one-

Bush McCain: My friends, I want to introduce my running mate, Greasy Giuliani.
Greasy Giuliani: 9/11 everybody!
BM: My friends that's all he says, and that why I picked him.
GG: I was picking on 9/11.
BM: I had a POW camp flashback on 9/11.
GG: I was a POW on 9/11.
BM: My friends, I was never a POW.
GG: I was never 9/11 but on 9/11 I 9/11ed.
BM: My friends, my opponent the uppity black boy who may or may not be a muslim but he sure is black, hello West Virginia and Kentucky and Alabama are you listening?, my opponent is a black man...Where the hell was I?
GG: 9/11. I know where I was on 9/11.
BM: I was resting on 9/11.
GG: People were arrested on 9/11.
BM: My friends I was never arrested, except for those times when I was.
GG: I arrested you on 9/11.
Bush McCain: And here we've come full circle, my life has done a complete 360 since I was arrested by law and order Greasy Giuliani on 9/11. I made it out of his POW camp alive and so here we stand before you ready to lead America in the 20th century. Vote for me!
Greasy Giuliani: Vote 9/11!

Bush McCain supporters speak out

"Of course we're going to vote for him, he's going to cut our taxes further than Bush the Idiot did."

"Hi, some of you know me as No_Slappz, this is my girlfriend. I'm taking her supper just like I take her Social Security check every month. We're both big McCain fans. McCain not Hussein!"

"We're the heads of Kids for McCain. Don't tell anyone but we're 19th century kids."

"McCain is so young and virile compared to us. We dream of him scooping us up in his horseless carriage and keeping us safe from the threat of red savages."

"Bwaaak, bwaak!"

"Yo, all us douchebags are voting McCain. After all, he's giant douche himself, just ask his first wife and the kids he had with her."

"I'm crushing my nose."

"We're praying that death takes us soon. If not then we'll vote for McCain. But to be honest, we'd rather just die than vote for that blowhard flip flopping gas bag."

Oh really?

I may be wrong but if my campaign was promising a continuation of the bad economic policies of Bush the Idiot and if one of my economic advisors was the woman who nearly bankrupted a solid company like Hewlett Packard (From Ms. Fiorina's Wikipedia biography: " Fiorina presided over a halving of Hewlett Packard's value during her tenure and heavy job losses.[1] She was fired by HP's board due to dissatisfaction with her performance in February 2005.") then I certainly wouldn't be claiming bullshit like this.

I guess he wasn't kidding when he said he knew nothing about economics.

Here's Bush McCain with a joke for you

My friends, what do you get when you cross a flock of sheep with a tropical island?

If my opponent has his way then you'd get a resort island that would fleece people like me and my obscenely rich wife out of our hard earned corporate profits and that my friends would be a tragedy. Because you know the American way is not change for change sake or to make things more equitable by levying higher taxes on the rich, no my friends the American way I love is for corporations to have unfettered access to your money and that is something I think we can all get behind.

Umm, Senator?

Yes?

You never did finish the joke.

You know who else never finished jokes? People who were in Vietnamese POW camps. We were too busy thinking of how we'd dump our wives and marry rich heiresses when we got back home after the war to finish jokes. And you have a hell of a lot of nerve asking me to finish a joke, after all I was a prisoner of war. And my friends I'd like to remind you that my opponent was not in the military and he's black too. And I'd also like to remind you that I'll be getting 100% of the white racist vote, that's a voting bloc that I have wrapped up, yes siree. So don't forget that my opponent, whose middle name is Hussein, is black. Now, is Matlock on yet? And where is my pudding?

Thank you North Carolina!

Way to go you Tar Heels!  

You sent a loud and clear message to Hillary and Bill and their traitor lap dog James Carville that their politics of division is not what you want.  You told them that no one is buying their right wing Bush McCain bullshit stance on a gas tax holiday.  You showed the pundits and jackals who've been baying for Obama's blood that you know, like most Democratic party regulars know, that Barack Obama is the man to lead the fight in November against Bush McCain.  

You cats in Carolina rock.

And it's looking like the people of Indiana see things our way too.  The rich white people may have claimed victory there but all the votes aren't in yet and if they come in for Obama, it's time for the Clinton hate machine to cease operations and for Hill and Bill to suck it up, drop out of the race, and back Obama all the way to the White House.

Suck on this you cry babies at the RNC

You whiny Reich-publicans might cow the corporate media into stop playing this ad but I'll be damned if you'll stop me from running it. If you have not seen it yet, it's 35 seconds of pure Howard Dean made goodness.

Bless you Howard Dean for having more spine than all the Democrats in Congress combined.

And now an insensitive message from Sen. Bush McCain

Hello my friends, it's Bush McCain here. Did you know that Sen. Osama, oops I did it again, Sen. Obama was insensitive to the needs of poor people? Unlike me he doesn't want to cut Federal taxes on gas this summer and he actually has the gall to say that the Bush McCain tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans shouldn't be left in place. And you know what else? He doesn't want deeper tax cuts for people who make obscene amounts of money, like my lovely wife who I may or may not have called a cunt in public once or twice or four or five times.

Can you imagine the kind of world Obama would have us live in? It's a world my friends that is something out of a bad left wing novel. It's a world where if we don't cut the Federal taxes on gasoline then people will stop buying so much of it and my friends in the gas and oil business


won't make record profits. And if my friends in the gas and oil business can't make record profits while the rest of America suffers then my friends, that is a nightmare. These poor people who run the gas and oil companies need their money and their obscene wealth far more than the American people do. The American people don't invest in things like yachts, multi million dollar mansions, and private jets that people like my friends do. So for Obama to say that my friends don't need more money is just insensitive.Sen. Obama has no conception of what it's like to be an unwealthy white person. To expect my friends and the lobbyists who keep me in office and tell me how to vote to live like this

is simply insane. My plan to help the American people by cutting the taxes on gas so that they buy more gas is a win/win for two groups of people, the American people who will get a few pennies back in their pockets and the big gas and oil companies who will sell more gas and thereby make more money. It's the natural order of things, it's the way our Lord and Saviour Milton Friedman decreed it should be.

But the uppity black Senator on the other hand doesn't agree with me and God Milton. His plans to take the Bush McCain tax cuts back and to tax the wealthy more only benefits one group of people, not two like my plan does. His plan only helps the American people, mine helps the American people and their rich white overlords.

So there you go, I'm sensitive to the needs of the wealthy people who put me in power and Obama is not. I'm sensitive to the needs of corporate America and Obama is not. I'm sensitive to not pissing off the rich tax hating conservative wing of my party and Obama is not.

The final question you must ask is, "Since I, Bush McCain, love the Corporate States of America so much, why doesn't that boy Senator Obama love them as much as I do? Why is he so insensitive to the needs of white people who could be wealthier? "

Thanks. That's all I have time for, I've got to run now. I heard that there is a group of rich white corporate executives who have not been sufficiently pandered to, so I must go do my duty and pander to them. Take it easy my friends.

Bush McCain's war on poverty revealed at last!

First, he's going to rid the country of poor people by sending them to Iraq.  He figures that it'll take 100 years to get all of our country's poor people killed over there.

Second, he's going to cut taxes on the rich so that they get richer and they never become poor.

Third, if you don't like his plan he'll get a blow torch and a few crack pipe hittin' brothers and they'll go medieval on your ass.  

If this plan sounds a lot like what Bush Jr is doing now, it's not coincidence.  The reason the plans are so similar is because Bush Jr and Bush McCain are exactly the same.  If you like what we've got now, then McCain is your man.  

Vote Obama in '08.

Cheap shot

I couldn't stomach watching that interview with Bush McCain yesterday morning, but thank goodness the cats over at Crooks and Liars watched it and reported on the juicy tid bits.  The best bit of the interview to me was when Bush McCain said that Elizabeth Edwards, a breast cancer survivor, was taking a "cheap shot" at him for asking why the American people couldn't have what he's had most of his life, health insurance paid for by the US government.  

Bush McCain reminded everyone of the time when he didn't have health care, and that was when he was being held in a North Vietnamese POW camp.  So we're supposed to feel sorry for Bush McCain now and forgive him the fact that for all those other years he's had what millions of Americans don't have?  The fact that he spent a few years in the Hanoi Hilton excuses him from sucking at the government insurance teat all these other years?

Ummm, as the kids today say Senator, hell to the no.  The fact is Bush McCain, just like his buddy Dick "So" Cheney, has not only government sponsored health insurance, he's got the best of the best that our government offers.  Millions of Americans have a form of "socialized" health care, and I'm one of them, and it's called Medicare.  Others have Medicaid.  But the cream of the crop, the asses in Washington DC and the people who work for them, get the best of the best insurance, they pay virtually nothing for their insurance because they are doing "the people's business."  I pay around $100 a month in Medicare premiums and that's deducted from my monthly SSDI, McCain makes far more than I make on SSDI, I'd be willing to bet he makes a month about a few thousand times what I make, and yet he pays less for his health insurance than I do.  And he gets better coverage as well.

But then there's the millions of men, women, and children in this country who have no health insurance whatsoever, just like Bush McCain in his Vietnam days.  Is it a cheap shot at those people if we ask why they don't have government paid health insurance?  If we lock them up in the Hanoi Hilton and then we let them out is it okay if they have what Bush McCain has?  Can the rest of us folks on Medicare and Medicaid go do some time in a POW camp in the Vietnamese jungle so we can get the same level of medical insurance that Bush McCain has?

Asking why we all can't have the same level of government paid health care that Bush McCain and Dick Cheney has isn't a cheap shot, it's only fair.  We're supposed to be all about fairness and equality here in the USA and it's about time that we all got the fair and equal government paid health care that people like Bush McCain get.  And if they're worried about how the government is going to pay for it, well, they can start by taxing his wife Cindy's 100 million dollar  fortune.  And then when they get that one taxed, tax the Cheney's, then all the Bushes, and then tax every multinational corporation until we all have the same health insurance that Bush McCain does now.  And if they don't then they're taking a cheap shot at each and every US citizen.

Overheard in the halls of power

"Obama is an elitist!"
"I know, I heard that too."
"Only you and I are ready to be President on day one."
"Agreed."
"Obama will only be ready to deliver a speech on day one."
"Yep. Or maybe bowl a bit."
"Hahahahaha, hahahaha."
"Want to hear another good one?"
"Sure."
"Even after serving on the board of directors of Wal Mart for years, even after caving in to the special interests and big pharma on my health care plan, even after voting for the war, even after being named by Forbes magazine as the candidate most supported by big multi national corporations, I'm still running as a Democrat."
"You go girl. Keep on running and keep up that slash and burn/win at any cost campaign style. It really suits you and that husband of yours."
"You know, if by some miracle we don't get to subvert the will of the majority of the Democratic Party voters and I lose this nomination..."
"Perish the thought!"
"Tell me about it, but anyway, if I do lose this thing somehow, maybe I could be your Veep. We could run on a national unity party ticket. Kind of like the one you would have had if you and Kerry would have run together."
"That might not be a bad idea. After all, you and I agree on more than we disagree on."
"Yep. We see eye to eye on more things with each other than we do with that elitist Obama. After all we've been in the halls of power longer than him and everybody knows black folks are some serious elitists."
"Yep. That's why they stick together so much. All those elitists stay with their own kind."
"Oh well, I gotta run. There's some corporate money I have to find and some hope I have to go crush."
"Yes you can crush that hope and take that cash!"
"Hahahaha, yes I can!"

She's just what Bush McCain needs

At first I thought this was a late April Fool's joke but apparently it's not. Condi wants to be McCain's running mate.

I say, why not? She's made a mess of her time at that NSA and the State Department, why not let her have a chance to really ruin things as VP.

Are you listening to us or what?

"Hello to all the godless hell bound pagans who read this crappy blog. James Dobson here...""And Pat Robertson too! Don't forget me!"
"Zip it Pat. Listen to me people, I have a question for you. Ready?"
"Was that your question James?"
"No you idiot, this is my question: Are any of you listening to us anymore? Because it sure as hell doesn't look like it. If you were listening to us then you'd be voting the way we told you to damn it."
"I told them to vote for Rudy!"
"Robertson, if you don't shut that pie hole of yours I'll smote it for you. If you voted for that cross dressing Roman Catholic then you deserve to be excommunicated. I have been telling you people for weeks to vote for Huckabee and yet you keep voting for McCain. Why is that? Is it because Huckabee is an inbred idiot? Well of course he is but who cares, so is our current President. And so what if he married his half sister? The man is a minister and you people need to vote for him now. Stop screwing around and do what I tell you, I mean it. I've got to go count all the money my church took in this past Sunday so I'm gonna let some folks from Square America tell you about what a swell guy Huckabee is and what an ass McCain is. You people better listen to them or you'll be making me and Reich wing Jesus mad!"

"I'm not from Square America but I'm voting for Huckabee anyways. And you know what else? I'm squirting out this baby sometime before November and he or she is gonna vote for Huckabee too!""John McCain wants to force me to give my cake recipes to the Viet Cong. He turned into their puppet when he was in the Hanoi Hilton and he cracked under the pressure of torture, I heard that on Rush Limbaugh. Everything he does is to bring the godless Viet Cong glory!""My 'roids are killing me. Leave me the hell alone."

"Can McCain do this? Can he look like a gopher? Hell no he can't and that's why I'm voting for Huckabee."
"I'm waiting for the Blair Witch so I have no opinion one way or another."
"We're ass over tits for Huckabee! His wife, Jethrine, is our hero!"
"You kids get the hell away from my trailer! I'll shoot everyone of you if you mess with me."
"Yo, ya'll could live to be a million and you'd never be as big a playa as me. Me and my foxxxy lady will be voting for Obama and then we'll be making sweet sweet love while we sip some Boone's Farm wine."

"That's all for now. I've got to finish my work out. I need to bulk up so I can whoop Dobson's ass one of these days. Praise Jesus!"

Casting begins

You know someone will make a movie about the new Bush McCain sex scandal. I'll go ahead and help them out with some casting for that flick. The part of the woman Bush McCain fooled around with will be played by Mena Suvari. The Iron Sheik will come out of retirement to play Bush McCain.
And the part of Mrs. Bush McCain will be played by the chick who used to be Ellie Mae on the Beverly Hillbillies, Donna Douglas.

The parts of George Bush and Dick Cheney will be played by trained weasels.