He loves it when a plan comes together

Hello America, Rick Santorum here. As many of you know I hate marriage equality and I said just the other day that I'd die on the hill of this battle. That's right I'd rather die than see homosexuals get married to one another. However, I don't mind if they marry people of the opposite sex, I'm cool with that. After all, Marcus Bachmann did it and look at his marriage.

Hahahahaha, but seriously folks, I really, really, REALLY hate gay marriage. And I especially hate the ones they performed already. They need to be broken up and I've come up with a plan to do just that. In fact, my plan will end all gay marriages in the USA.

My plan is simple, it's ingenious, and it's fool proof. My plan is this: we send in secretly not gay men to have sex with one of married gays in a married gay couple. This will piss off the other partner and they'll dump and divorce the cheating gay. I believe in my plan and my hatred of gay marriage is such that I am willing to go in and have gay sex with as many gay marrieds as it takes to break up the gay marriages that swept this nation. I know that I can't be having all the sex that breaks up these marriages, so I have enlisted some of my friends, Ted Haggard, Larry Craig, Sen. Lindsay Graham, Donald Rumsfeld, and that black minister in Atlanta who digs the younger dudes, and we're all going to go about breaking up gay marriages all across the states where it's permitted. It's going to be dangerous, hot, and sweaty work so we've all been working out and taking Viagra by the fistful. We're serious about this and with the help of Jesus Christ, we'll whip these gays and we'll nip this gay marriage thing in the bud.

And don't worry, when the lesbians see what kind of cock we're slinging, then they'll all convert and become the man loving sex machines God intended them to be, because you know just as well as I do that those women are only having sex with women because they haven't ridden the right cock yet.

So that's my plan and I'm stickin' to it. Now, where are my chaps? I need to show off my dimpled ass so I can begin the seduction of the married gays!

Three dicks and a dolt

• Congrats Andy Bitemart, you got one. You can hang Weiner's penis on your belt of liberal scalps. And then you can pet it, stroke it, and fondle it to your hearts content.
  
• Well done Weiner. You gave that idiot Bitemart some journalistic cred. The same rules that apply to hypocritical Republicans also apply to you. Get caught and you pay the price. What you did before you got married is none of my business, but what you did after you got hitched while in office, well that's just fucking dumb and you deserve any repercussions that happen. Fucking idiot.
• John Edwards, you're an even bigger idiot than Weiner. You think you're too smart or too good to go to jail for breaking the law. You're not. You may actually beat the rap on this indictment but you'll always be guilty in the court of public opinion. You're finished. Toast. No one gives a shit what you say or do anymore. You make me ashamed that I supported you. And you defame your dead wife with every breath you take you piece of shit. I'd like to meet you face to face someday so I could bitch slap you, you disgusting piece of shit. Oh, and the whore you had a kid with, she's a disgusting piece of shit too. You deserve each other.
  
• Quitter Palin refuses to admit she flubbed her history. You know what? I don't expect her to know history, after all she kept changing colleges and then she had all those kids to raise while she prayed for Jesus to come back so he could smite the gays. So, heck fire, she just didn't have time to learn that Paul Revere wasn't warning the British or ringing bells. But what I do expect from her, although why I expect it is beyond me since she's proven that she won't ever ever EVER do the right thing, is to admit she got her history wrong and to move on. In her world asking her the time of day is a 'gotcha' question and to admit you got a fact wrong is a sign of weakness that willfully ignorant people can't allow. If she did allow herself that she got something wrong then her followers would tear her apart. She'd no longer be the alpha bitch and she and her coterie of crazy coots can't have that.
  

Life lessons for idiots

I had an idiot on Facebook tell me our demonstration in support of teachers, unions, and working people was 'slacktivist crap.' He told me he preferred direct action to 'slacktivism.'

I pointed out that pretending to fight child abuse by changing ones Facebook profile picture to a cartoon character from your childhood was an example of slacktivism. And that taking to the streets to show support for unions and working people was an example of direct action in action.

He didn't appreciate me educating him on the difference between direct action and slacktivism, so he called me a fat coward and said he wished I would die. Young people, some of them are just too ungrateful to be believed.

Dear Guy Who Loves Depleted Uranium,

Dude, seriously, stop emailing me. I checked my spam folder and there your email response to my final email to you was. I told you that all your emails after that initial email to me will go straight into my spam folder where it will reside next to emails from Nigerian crooks, penis cream sales pitches, and other crap from nuts like you. If you think I'm actually going to read any more of your pro depleted uranium screeds than sir, you are a doofus.


If you love depleted uranium so much, I encourage you to go to the areas of Afghanistan and Iraq where our military has used it in record amounts. I encourage you to live amongst those people who's lives will now be full of cancer and disease as a result of our use of depleted uranium on their homes and neighborhoods. I also encourage you to get a depleted uranium enema every week and to drink depleted uranium laced beverages from now on. It's all perfectly safe according to you, so it shouldn't be a problem.

Dude, the first thing a paid shill for the depleted uranium interests would do is claim to not a be a paid shill for them. And your insistence that anyone who speaks out on the dangers of depleted uranium is a 'con man' is a crock of shit. They must have you and your bosses pretty worried that people will be finding out the real facts behind your awful munitions, or you wouldn't be out engaging in character assassination and hiding behind emails and leaving comments on blog posts that are years old.

And finally Mr. Depleted Uranium Lover, you're no longer allowed the privilege of leaving any comments on my blog. You violated my comment policy and for that you are banned forever. I'll delete your comments as soon as I see them. Of course you'll do what you did before and leave comments on posts that are years old and by doing so you'll sure show me a thing or two. I can just see you clapping your hands with glee as you leave your hateful pigheaded rants on my old posts secure in the knowledge that you 'got one over on me.' Dude, if that's all you got, then I'll let that slide, but understand any comment you leave me will be deleted as soon as I see it.

Now, if you need some help getting the cash to move to Afghanistan or Iraq, let me know and I'll hold a fund raiser here for you. Okay asshole?

Sincerely,
Dr. Monkey

Dear Vijay Chakravarthy,

You sir are a liar.

You've never read my blog before you spammed it.

I will never click on any link you leave and I will delete all comments you leave as soon as I find them.

I suggest you find other things to do with your time. Spamming my blog will get you nowhere.

Sincerely,
Dr. Monkey

You're not doing fine Oklahoma. Okay?

Pop quiz time. What building is this:
Give up?
It's the Murrah building in Oklahoma that Tim McVeigh blew up.
You remember Tim McVeigh don't you?
He was the terrorist who was in one of those wacky anti government militias. Him and his Bill Clinton and liberal hating pals blew up that building. It was the worst act of terrorism on American soil up until Bush let us get attacked on 9/11.
You'd think that in Oklahoma of all places they'd shun the militias and their anti government rhetoric. You'd think that they want nothing to do with people who are heavily armed and hopped up on Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, Glenn Beck, and hatred for liberals, blacks, Jews, and anyone who isn't white. Well sport, incredibly enough, you'd be fucking wrong. Click here to read about how some 'lawmakers' in Oklahoma want to cozy up to the militia types. They actually want a state sanctioned anti federal government militia in Oklahoma that will 'defend' their state against the encroaching power of incumbents in Washington DC.

Some folks in Oklahoma are eat up with stupid.

More proof that all of us in the south are racists

The chairman of the NC GOP, a white man, has called upon Michael Steele to resign as chairman of the RNC. Obviously this is more proof of Oliver Willis's theory that all us southerners are racists who hate all black people.

Oliver also insists that all liberals hate the military.

It must be lonely occupying the moral high ground in the center all the time Oliver.

Dear Chinese Spammers,

You are wasting your time putting your spam comments on my blog. For one thing, I can't read your language. And for another, neither can my readers. In case you haven't noticed, this blog is written in English and I delete your comments as soon as I see them.

If I were you, I'd find blogs that aren't written in English and ones by people who can read your language.

Or perhaps you could hook up with some Nigerians who can show you idiots how to run a scam properly.

Sincerely,
Dr. Monkey

Father of the year?

This guy is more like candidate for sterilization if you ask me. I volunteer to hold him down while his wife cuts off his balls, hey this is the "volunteer" state after all, so I'm just doing my duty as a citizen.


(Fez tip to my blog and real life friend Snad for alerting me to this story.)

A gentle reminder

If the baby Jesus can forgive Jim and Tammy Faye Baker, Newt Gingrich, John McCain, Larry Craig, and David Vitter, and if he lets Jerry Falwell, and all those other bigoted hateful people, like the Catholic missionaries who forced Christianity on aboriginal peoples at the point of a sword, then I bet he forgives John Edwards too.

Oh, by the way Slappy, your comments only stay up as long as it takes me to notice them and then they go down. It's a shame that no one in the liberal/progressive blogoshpere reads your little rants so you have to resort to posting your inane comments on our blogs. As soon as I see you left one of your little invective comments here I don't even bother to read it, I just delete it as soon as I sign in. Feel free to write what you like on your blog and I'll feel free never to go there and read it. This is the USA after all and I have all the freedom in the world to ignore your blog.

Oh really?

I may be wrong but if my campaign was promising a continuation of the bad economic policies of Bush the Idiot and if one of my economic advisors was the woman who nearly bankrupted a solid company like Hewlett Packard (From Ms. Fiorina's Wikipedia biography: " Fiorina presided over a halving of Hewlett Packard's value during her tenure and heavy job losses.[1] She was fired by HP's board due to dissatisfaction with her performance in February 2005.") then I certainly wouldn't be claiming bullshit like this.

I guess he wasn't kidding when he said he knew nothing about economics.

Wanna hear a good one?

Some kid who is heavy into Star Wars, which means he's never seen a naked woman other than on his computer and he still lives with his parents, called me a "stupid monkey" here in a comment on my blog yesterday. Wow, I can only guess that by "stupid monkey" he means: a guy who is smart, writes well, is funny, is someone who has seen a real live naked woman, and who actually lives with a hot chick.

Hey kid, I meant it when I told you to stop leaving comments here. Go on and play with your Star Wars toys and eat that sandwich your Mommy just made for you. Oh yeah, and learn some blog etiquette while you're at it.