Fait accompli

Obama is naming Iowa Gov. Tom Vilsack as his Sec. of Agriculture today and food activists and anti corporate activists are rightly upset over the choice.

Vilsack, seen here giving a woman the traditional farmland greeting, is no friend of the organic food movement, the local food movement, or those who oppose genetically modified foods. He's pro Monsanto, pro agri-business, and pro big business. In short he's everything we don't need in a Sec. of Agriculture right now.

Just as the deregulation in the banking, insurance, and mortgage industries has come back to bite us in the ass, all the deregulation in the food business, the reliance on big factory farms and industrial feed lots, and the move away foods that have genetic diversity will have a huge negative effect on our country in the days and years ahead. Vilsack is someone who will continue the policies of the first Bush administration, the Clinton years, and the lawlessness of the last Bush administration. He's not going to do anything bold like break the grip that the corporate bully Monsanto has on farmers. He's not going to follow the lead of the European Union and ban bovine growth hormones in cattle. And he's not going to come up with sound sustainable food and farm policy.

But you know what? We would have been stuck with him anyway. It's true. He briefly had his hat in the Presidential ring and then when he saw that Vilsack mania wasn't spreading anywhere outside of Davenport and Ames, Iowa, he got out. Then he tossed his support behind Hillary because she promised to help him pay for all the debt his abortive campaign had incurred. And for all his early support she would have rewarded him with this same post had she won the nomination and had she beaten McBush in the Presidential race. So for better or worse we would have been saddled with this corporate farm loving albatross no matter which way we moved. It's sad but true.

Now having said all that, is there a way we can break the grip of the corporate farms and companies like Monsanto that Vilsack loves so much? Sure there is. Here's a few things you can do:

• Buy as local as possible.
• Buy produce that is organic and or pesticide free.
• Plant a garden and don't use any products from Monsanto or companies like them on it.
• Shop local farmers markets and buy only pesticide free or organic local food.
• Buy grass fed beef.
• Stop buying products that have High Fructose Corn Syrup in it. This one is going to be hard because they put that shit in virtually everything from soda pop, to graham crackers, to yogurt, to pancake syrup, to candy bars. Check those ingredients on all processed foods before you buy them to make sure HFCS is not in them.
• Buy cage free/free range chickens and eggs.
• Learn about the dangers of winnowing down the food gene pool.

I'm not kidding when I tell you that the next crisis we face is going to be in our food supply. I'd adivse you to watch a short film called The Power of Community (How Cuba Survived Peak Oil). This short film has much to teach us about how to farm and live when the oil runs out, and yes, despite what FOX Noise and Rush tell you, the oil is going to run out someday soon. This film about our supposed enemy has more information and hope in it than in anythign I've seen in the past few years. There is a way out and we'll all find it just as soon as we stop letting big business tell us how to live.

Poor Boner

Poor Rep. Boner, he gets all misty and cries when he thinks of the troops coming home before Halliburton and Blackwater can rake in a few more million of our tax dollars. But when it comes time for the people who got us into the war of terror on Iraq and Afghanistan to be held accountable he walks off the playground like an emasculated bully.

You keep doing what you got to do Boner and come November when your minority party loses more seats then I'll laugh like crazy when you try this shit again. You and your Reich wing pals, my asshat Congressman included, hate accountability when it's your party's leaders being held accountable, but you all had better get used to it. Thanks to people like Congressman Wexler and Congressman Waxman the time has come for you and your pals to answer for how you've raped this country and trashed our Constitution.

And now, a message from Wal Mart

Greetings America! How are you? You're doing good we hope!

Listen, can we talk for a minute? Good. We understand some of you have been boycotting us and that some of you have stopped shopping here for whatever reason and we'd like you to come back and give us a try. We know quite a few of you are going to be getting some kind of tax refund or some kind of economic stimulus check from the government and we want you to spend that dough in our stores. In fact we demand that you spend all that money in our stores, if you don't we're going to tell the DHS, FBI, and the CIA that you are damn dirty terrorists and that you're going to use that money to fund the insurgency in Iraq and the Taliban.

Crap, we're sorry, we didn't mean to threaten you so soon America. We're sorry if we pissed you off. Look, tell ya what, since a lot of you have not been in one of our stores lately how about we show you some of our new merchandise? We're sure you're gonna love it! Always!

When you come into our stores now you'll be greeted by the Greet-tron 3000. It's programmed to say "Hello" in English and Spanish and to scan your wallet for cash.

We added a bunch of new, well, almost new, titles to our magazine section. And we kept some old copies of magazines in case you missed some back issues.

We've added a bunch of new paperback books to our line of reading material as well. Don't worry though America, we still only stock G rated romance novels, pro business non fiction, and all the Bible and Christian religion related books that you and your family love so much!What's that America? You say your kids still like that rock and roll music? Well, we've got you covered there! They can listen to all the New Kids on the Block, John Denver, and Amy Grant they like on the state of the art stereo electronics that we offer.Heck, we've even added a slew of VHS tapes for that new fangled VCR you probably got for Christmas. (Don't worry folks, as you can see we still stock the classics as well! Nothing beats a Jimmy Swaggert record America!)Ladies, we've also got a wide selection of housewares on sale now. Decorative lamps too!
We carry a line of furniture now as well. Doesn't that couch and those chairs look comfy? Sure they do, and America, they are priced to move!

All our bedding is allegedly deloused and certified to be possibly bed bug free! What about when you're out of bed and you've got a few minutes to kill between your two or three jobs? Well America, we've got a bunch of new sporting goods in stock and if you happen to hurt yourself playing during your free time we also sell medical equipment too!


Men, can we speak to just the ladies for a minute? Thanks. Ladies, we know we were kind of deficient in the past on the types of fashions we offered. We know some of you hated those old styles we sold but we heard your cries and your complaints and we pepped up our clothing line! Take a look! We've got designer blue jeans now!
Red jeans too!
And even green jeans. We've also got slacks in colorful prints and patterns.And sexy yet still chaste lingerie. Imagine the fun your husband will have taking one of these sexy yet Jesus approved nighties off you after you both get home from a Huckabee for President rally. We've also got a full line of intimates too!

We know how you gals love a hat so we've stocked up on fashionable hats. We carry a full line of poof ball hats and even red cowboy hats like the one that liberal blogger Vikkitikkitavi wears! Yes, you can now try to be as cool as she is.

Don't worry ladies we've also got the men in your life covered. We still sell a shitload of polo style shirts and NASCAR approved apparel.

And of course we did not forget the sex offender in your life, we've got them covered too with our fun and flashy line of rain coats.

So as you can tell America, we've upgraded our stores and our merchandise. We want you back and we're not kidding around. Remember that stuff we said about getting your fat asses tossed in jail if you don't spend more money with us? Well, we're not kidding around, we mean it. We've got cameras in your neighborhoods and we know who is and who isn't shopping in our stores. Don't make us do anything that you're going to regret. Trust us, none of you would look good in those prison orange jumpsuits and your fat lazy asses would not last a week in Gitmo, so if you know what's good for you and for this country, you'd better get in here and start shopping right away.

Wal Mart, Always!

Re-captioned New Yorker Cartoon #12

'Your honor, this couple stands accused of going into a Wal-Mart and not buying anything. They also did not stop at the Starbucks in the lobby to buy a cup of coffee on their way up here. I recommend you throw the book at these anti corporate terrorists!"

(This cartoon originally appeared in the 9-22-86 issue of the New Yorker.)

This is not what it looks like

I spilled a banana daiquiri on my pants right before a speech where I was going to outline my plan to reign in the multi national corporations. Then this guy who you see on the table said he'd loan me his but just as he got them down some dude ran in, tasered him, and then he took this photo. I'm not sure but I think it was one of those Star Wars nerds I pissed off a week or so ago. Or it may have been Creepy Foreskin guy. Either way, that's what happened. Honest.

Ya gotta love Rosario Dawson

Never forget

As the Reich wing tries to make it seem like the nightmares of the Bush junta are all some how Hillary Clinton's fault let's never forget that it was under a REPUBLICAN President that the Consumer Safety Product Commission was defanged and shit like this happened as a result. Oh yeah, did you lose a pet to the tainted Chinese pet food as well? How about your kids? Did they lick and bite those lead paint infected toys made in China? Oops, I better shut my monkey mouth of that twat from CNBC will go snitch on me to the Chinese and then they'll stop making the cheap lead paint infected shit they sell at Wal-Mart.


And let's not forget who ran up huge deficits after the budget had finally been balanced after years of deficit spending by Bush the elder and his lover Ronald Reagan.


And never forget who it was who took away your civil liberties after they let the 9/11 attacks happen.


And never forget who plunged this country in a war for revenge and for oil.


And never forget that Bush and Cheney have been wrong on every major issue of the past eight years.


And always remember who made jokes about looking for weapons of mass destruction in the Oval Office while thousands of Americans and hundreds of thousands of Iraqi's died for nothing in the war of terror.


And don't forget that you have freedom of religion only if you are an evangelical kristian.


And don't forget who refuses to allow more children to be covered under the SCHIP program.


Oh yeah, and don't forget that the Republicans in Congress have held up every major piece of legislation that will benefit the biggest majority of the people in this country.


And don't forget to keep reminding people about all that stuff as we get closer and closer to the election next year.
And finally, please remember to make Bush the first name of any and all Repbulican candidates in your area, for instance Bush Romney, or Bush Guilani, or Bush McCain. Maybe that way people will remember that this mess was started by that idiot and his Reich wing buddies.

Turn your head and cough

Then get ready to have Mitt Bushromney pack your fudge.

Lower than low

La Malkin has sunk to a new low, he's joined the attack on that 12 year old kid who had the gall to go on the radio after Bush's weekly propaganda fest and deliver the truth about the SCHIP veto. Mr. Michael Malkin is attacking a couple with two children, presumably because his womb is now barren, and encouraging others to do the same. Well she did say in her rebuttal to Sally Fields comments that to be a mother these days you have to be ready to be ferocious and ready to fight. I didn't realize the people he'd want to fight were little kids.

He got his nut job followers to call this poor family and to harass them because they've gone and taken the benefits the state of Maryland offers. In Mr. Malkin's world it's fine for Republicans and big corporations to take welfare and help from the state but not needy families. If I knew where that whore Malkin lived I'd put his address online and I'd go there myself and I'd piss all over his house and lawn.

On second thought, no, I would not do that because I think he might enjoy that. I hear he's into water sports. Or was it his immigrant parents who took advantage of the laws of this country to have him while they were in the USA so he would automatically become a citizen? I wonder how he'd react if someone attacked his kids? He'd probably go ballistic, the hypocritical bitch.

This is why I love Naomi Klein

I may have to run out and buy her new book when it hits the stores here.

I remember extolling the virtues of her last book No Logo to a young female cousin of mine. I was telling my then teenage cousin what a bad thing that corporations were branding everything in sight including her clothing and she looked at me like I had three heads. My cousin said something like, "But I like Old Navy and Gap clothes. I like people seeing that I wear those kinds of clothes," and as soon as she said that I thought, "Oh shit, we may have already lost the fight to take back our lives from the greedy corporate pigs."

But then Ms. Klein comes out with a new book and she restores my faith in people once more.

Thank you once again Canada for producing another great American.

Why I hate Wal-Mart

Sure I hate Wal-Mart because they are a huge crazy greedy corporation that has put thousands of Mom and Pop businesses out of business. And yes I hate them because they pay their employees who slave away in their stores next to nothing and they do their best to stop those same employees from unionizing. And of course I hate them for advertising that they buy American whenever possible but in reality if they can get the same item made in China for a penny less then they say "Screw America." Yes, I also hate Wal-Mart because Hillary Clinton was on their board of directors for many years.


But my hatred for them runs deeper than those things. In fact I hate Wal-Mart for three very specific reasons. And those reasons are:


1) A few years back my girlfriend had her identity stolen by someone who was able to obtain a number of credit cards in her name, which they promptly ran up huge balances on and never paid off. One of the cards they were able to get was a Wal-Mart Visa/Mastercard that was backed by Chase bank. They were so fucking greedy to get that credit card business they did not bother to check out the bogus address this person used on their fraudulent credit card application. We went through hell getting her credit cleaned up and Wal-Mart never said they were sorry or that they even did anything wrong.


2) I used to have a membership to Sam's Club that was sponsored through a previous employer. I would buy mostly Marlboro Lights by the carton and beer by the twelve pack there, although sometimes I would relent and I'd get a couple palettes of picante sauce, a truck load of Apples Jacks, and if I was feeling good, a solid metric ton of prime rib, geez, no wonder I had a fucking heart attack and quadruple bypass surgery huh? Anyway, one day the gf and I were shopping there and we bought shit load of stuff. I paid and the cashier handed me my receipt.

As we were walking out the employee at the door said, "Can I see your receipt?" I handed it to her and I admit I was tired and cranky when I said, "You can keep it." And we proceeded to walk out.

The employee shouted after me, "Sir! You need your receipt!"

In not too nice a tone I told her to keep it and we proceeded to load up the car with our purchases. I figured that my trip to Sam's was done.

But when we got home the phone was ringing. I answered it and the manager of that Sam's Club was on the line. He wanted to know why I had been so rude and why I did not want my receipt. I told him that I was rude because I had to pay to be a member of his store in the first place and then I paid to buy all that shit and I felt it was pretty shitty of them to station an employee by the door to try to make sure no one stole anything. I went on to say that I did not need the receipt because we had bought only food items and we would not need to return any of them. He got huffy with me after that so I hung up on him.

I put the whole mess behind me and I went on with my life. About a month later I received an envelope from the local Sam's Club. I opened it and inside was a check reimbursing me for my membership and a note saying that I was no longer welcome in their store.


3) One day last December my gf took a day off from work and since we had not been out to lunch together in quite sometime I took us out to a local Thai restaurant. We had a nice meal and then we decided to go browse in the Barnes and Noble that is next door to this Thai restaurant. As we were browsing we heard a huge explosion and then we heard rocks and debris hitting the roof of the store. We looked at one another and then we heard a louder explosion and even more rocks and debris hit the roof and the power went out in the store.

Not being the brightest light on the Christmas tree I ran out of the store to see what was happening. It turned out that they were building a Sam's Club just up the hill from the plaza where the Thai restaurant and the bookstore were located. They were blasting rock out in order to make the future parking lot area level.

The parking lot looked like a scene from Lebanon in the 1980's or what like most of Iraq looks like now. Cars were smashed and debris was everywhere. My gf's Toyota Corolla, which had just been worked on to the tune of over $1000 was hit badly in the blast. The windshield was smashed in, the drivers side door was smashed up and the dashboard was hanging by a thread. Glass was everywhere in the car and it looked like hell.

A few days later they totalled out the car and we began trying to get her money out of the insurance company of the construction company that Sam's Club had hired to do the blasting. Their insurance guy was a total dick so we went through her insurance company and we let them go through the agony of dealing with that dick wad.

Neither Sam's Club nor Wal-Mart apologized for wrecking so many cars and nearly killing us and all those other people.

And that is why I hate Wal-Mart.

Feed Me Seymour

As I was cooking one of my new favorite dishes, pasta with sauteed egg plant and other in season vegetables and herbs (red bell pepper, onion, basil, banana pepper, and tomato) topped with a lemon olive oil sauce, I thought to myself how that type of dish would never have been served to me when I was a kid growing up in Michigan and in Virginia.

Why is that you ask? For two reasons.

The first reason is my late mother was a lousy cook. No seriously, she could not cook to save her life. That's why we ate things like hot dogs, pizza (mmmm greasy cheesy take out pizza with pools of grease on top), Twinkies, canned pudding, well you get the picture, she couldn't cook for shit so she fed us mostly convenience foods that were either take out or canned or boxed.

I honestly thought all pudding came out of a can and it was supposed to have a metallic taste to it. I also thought that all enchiladas came out of cans.

When she tried to do the right thing and serve us fruit and vegetables we rebelled like crazy. Of course it didn't help that one of the veggies she tried to get us to eat was the despicable product known as Veg-All. If you aren't familiar with the horror that is Veg-All, just know that it's corn, green beans, and other boiled to death veggies all in one can. It's disgusting.

So I did not learn good nutritional habits as a young lad. We ate badly and we did not know that we were setting our selves up for trouble way down the line.

The other reason is that after my mother passed away when I was ten we went to live with my crazy rageaholic control freak aunt, whom I shall henceforth refer to as Auntie Dearest (and yes feel free to draw any comparison you like between her and the film Mommie Dearest) and she was diametrically opposite to my mother in the cooking department. She was a good cook but since she had to control everyone she would not allow anyone to cook anything that she did have a say over.

She also had such crazy ass control issues that she would threaten us children, and by us children I mean only me and my brothers and sister, with physical violence if we did not eat all of whatever she served us. This was problematic for me since I can not eat cooked carrots with our vomiting. She would fix cooked carrots every Sunday with our regular after church meal of fatty greasy pot roast. I would try to not eat the carrots because they made me sick but every time she would threaten me and at times would whip me with a belt to get me to eat those fucking carrots. She also encouraged her horrid children to snitch on me if I did not eat all the carrots she tried to force down my throat.

I also had problems with drinking the unpasteurized milk she used to buy from a local dairy farm. I never was a big milk drinker and that milk she used to get was foul tasting, not to mention usually warm by the time I was forced to drink it down because I would let it sit because I hated it so much.

Auntie Dearest had to try to control everyone at all times, even at meal times. As long as you ate what she fixed and praised her to the heavens she was fine, but as soon as you said you did not like something that she fixed then she was in your face screaming that "You don't have to like it, you just have to eat it!" And she usually had a belt in her hand to back up her point.

After I got out of that madhouse and on my own and cooking and shopping for myself I did not adopt the best diet in the world. I hardly ever ate fresh fruit or vegetables, I remember buying iceberg lettuce and then tossing it a month later because it went bad. One of the dishes I used to make that I thought was somewhat healthy was something I invented called mac and cheese salsa burger. I'd make a box of Velveeta shells and cheese and put ground beef and salsa in it. It had all the basic food groups, meat, vegetables (via the salsa), dairy, grains (via the pasta). I hardly ever had a salad or a fresh tomato, or a banana, or anything that was good for me. Of course after eating all that transfat and boxed and canned foods filled with preservatives I developed an even bigger pot belly than I had before. The fact that I drank soda filled with high fructose corn syrup didn't help matters either. My diet history was leading me down Heart Attack Highway at about 100 MPH.

Then I met my gf who taught me how to eat properly. She had grown up eating fresh garden grown foods and she ate a sensible balanced diet. She taught me to incorporate green vegetables, fresh tomatoes, fruits, and other healthier foods in my diet. But even though I ate better after I met her we still ate far too much red meat and we liked our chocolate cake and other transfat filled foods. So for awhile I ate better but still not great.

Then almost four years ago I had my heart attack and quadruple bypass and I got put on a low fat low salt diet. The low salt part did not bother me since I rarely added salt to my food anyway, but the low fat part of my new diet was tricky.

A low fat diet consist of eating no more than 20 grams of fat a day. To put that in perspective for you the sausage biscuit I used to get every morning from McDonalds has about 25 grams of fat alone. On top of that biscuit I would usually eat a fast food lunch as well during my work day and a candy bar or two on top of that. Then I'd go home and eat whatever sensible thing I'd cook for us for supper that night. So before the heart attack I was probably eating about 75 to 100 grams of fat a day, maybe more, day in and day out even though I was also eating things like steamed broccoli, spinach, grapes, and other fresh fruits and veggies.

But we learned to adapt and to cut out the fat. We bought low fat cook books and I learned to make good tasting recipes from them. I also learned to cook ethnic dishes like Aloo Sag, Kashmiri Chicken, various Thai and Chinese dishes. I love the Asian cuisines because when I cook them here at home I can cut out the salt and be skimpy on the fat but go wild with the flavor.

We also eat more organic foods now, even cereals and meats, as well as fruit and veggies. We also try to buy as locally grown food as possible because it is better for us and because less fossil fuel is wasted getting it to our table. We avoid, for the most part, food that is in cans, with the exception of certain beans and legumes, most processed foods, though we do have a fondness for frozen yogurts and low fat ice creams when it gets really hot like it is now. We also try to avoid genetically modified food like the plague. And sorry to the farmers in Europe, Australia, China, and parts of South America, but we try not to eat anything you guys grow, not becasue we don't like you but because we don't think we need to be eating food that has come to us from that far away.Here's a picture of some fresh food I bought yesterday at the farmers market here in town:

They don't sell bananas at the farmers market so I had to get them later at the grocery store.Mmmm, doesn't that look good?

Lastly in an effort to not be a big ass hypocrite I gave up drinking soda to show my solidarity with the guy I consider my brother, Samurai Frog. He writes about his battles to lose weight and live a healthoer life most every week and I figured if I was going to offer him my thoughts on his diet in the comments section of his blog, then I better get off my high fructose corn syrup soda sucking ass and do something to be even healthier too, so as of last Saturday I am Mountain Dew free. I have been drinking a can or three of that swill every morning since college and I know it's been a big part of my post bypass weight gain. I have not missed it but I am still not completely soda free. I have been drinking one and only one of these a day since I gave up the high fructose corn syrup sodas. It's organic and it is sweetened with natural cane sugar not chemical laden HFCS. I don't miss the caffeine in the Mtn Dew like I thought I would, I'm naturally caffeinated I guess. But I do still like the cold carbonation. Soon I'm going to switch to just lime or lemon lime flavored sparlking water and I'll see how that goes.

I want to eat and drink healthier to live longer yes, but I also must be honest and admit that it would also be nice to look like this:

I could not resist this last post before I go

I found this on Boing Boing and they got it via MSNBC.com:

Wal-Mart Pays Teens $0 an hour!!!

The young (14+) teenagers that Wal-Mart employs as after-school baggers at its Mexican stores earn nothing at all -- paid only in tips. Technically, this complies with local labor laws, while violating the hell out of their spirit.

The company doesn’t try to conceal this practice: its 62 Superama supermarkets display blue signs with white letters that tell shoppers: OUR VOLUNTEER PACKERS COLLECT NO SALARY, ONLY THE GRATUITY THAT YOU GIVE THEM. SUPERAMA THANKS YOU FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING. The use of unsalaried youths is legal in Mexico because the kids are said to be “volunteering” their services to Wal-Mart and are therefore not subject to the requirements and regulations that would otherwise apply under the country’s labor laws. But some officials south of the U.S. border nonetheless view the practice as regrettable, if not downright exploitative.

In the interests of fairness we invited the CEO of Wal-Mart to defend his company and he took us up on our offer.

"Heh heh heh, looks like ya'll smarty pantses caught us. Heh heh heh. You know what tho? Them stores are in Mexico and not News Mexico, so the US labor laws don't apply to them peoples. Like we care about labor laws anyways, heh heh heh. Them Mexican teens is glad to work for tips, just like them rabbis in the leper colonies, heh heh heh, thass a joke. But they is glad to work for tips I tell ya. They's just earning enough money to pay a coyote to git 'em over here when they's old enough to work our good payin' fruit and vegetable pickin' and construction jobs here in the USA of America. What?...

Why is ya'll lookin' at me like that?

We didn't do nothin' wrong. My law attorneys telled me it wasn't illegal. What?

Stop looking at me like that!!!

Ya'll go on and go shopping and leave me alone.

We's Wal-Mart and we kin do anything we dang well want!!!

Now go on and go shop in one of our fine stores or Ah'm turnin' you in for being a terrorismist."

Buy local and screw the corporations

One of the easiest things you can do to stop the greedy bastard multi national corporations from taking over your life completely is to buy locally made products from local or what's known as 'Mom and Pop' businesses.

If you don't buy from Wal-Mart then you are not helping Wal-Mart fuck over your local area. If you stop buying a few things at Target that you can get from your locally owned store then Target loses money and they lose clout in your area. If you go shop for produce at your local farmers market or from your regional grocery store chain then Kroger or Safeway or A & P or Albertson's or fill in the name of the mega grocery store chain near you make less money and more money stays in your community.

We here at el Casa de Monkey try to shop at locally owned businesses first and try to eat at locally owned restaurants, but that is becoming increasingly harder here in Johnson City. We stopped shopping at Wal-Mart altogether a few years back, and one day I'll tell you why, and we try to cut back on what we buy from Target. Yes we pay more for some things but we know that more of the dollars that we spend in locally owned businesses stay in our local area.

I caught the tail end of a documentary on the state of Mom and Pop businesses the other night on Sundance and they showed some shrill twat from Wal-Mart who was squawking that the anti Wal-Mart campaign was being funded by rich leftists and labor unions who wanted to bankrupt Wal-Mart. We almost died laughing when we heard that "woman" say that. Wal-Mart has gleefully put thousands of businesses out of business and then they turned around and hired the people they put out of work and they paid them a fraction of what they used to make and gave them no benefits. It's fucking insane. Yet people keep shopping there.

But I want to try and be a positive force for change so I'll stop bashing Wal-Mart (for now anyway) and I'll tell you about a locally owned businesses here in my area that rocks hard.

Scratch Foodworks is owned by a hardworking fun and funky couple who have a smart as a whip young daughter. They are basically a bakery that also makes all sorts of other foods. They make bread, pizza, and pastry in their wood fired oven and they also smoke meats and make other foods like pestos and the like. They also cater as well.

The wood fired oven of Scratch.

If they say the Habanero bread is vicious, believe it.

The bread runs $4 a loaf but it's a big ass loaf, that reminds me they also make something they call a 'Big Ass Danish' which I can't eat anymore since my heart attack but it looks delicious. We buy a couple of loaves usually on a Saturday and it lasts us all week. If you go on a Sunday you can get great deals because they try to sell off all their bread because they are closed on Monday and Tuesday.

If you get to Johnson City go by and buy something at Scratch and tell Jamie that Dr. Monkey sent you. And if you never get to Johnson City, then start buying stuff from the locally owned businesses in your area because it's the right thing to do and it screws the corporations when you do it.

More Action Figures for Wal-Mart Shoppers!

Wal-Mart, in case you have not heard, is going to start selling Biblical Action figures soon in stores that have big sales of Bibles. So now your kids can have hours and hours of thrills playing with a graven image of our alleged 'Lord and Savior.' But for those times when plain old Jesus is not enough, there's Deluxe Jesus! Now with two jugs of water waiting to be turned into wine, 30 % more fish, and 15 % more loaves! He's also packing, if you know what we mean, under that robe.

The super prim and highly intellectual Jane Austen action figure had better watch out then! If Jesus gets a hold of her with his divine 'rod' and 'staff' there's no telling what ol' Jane might do!

Also new for the kids is Chuck Norris "barely in the closet" GI Joe. The gun and the knug fu grip mean he's all man but the swingin' medallion means he's all play when it counts!

For the less manly boy in your life there's the new George W. Bush/Trent Lott male cheerleader doll. This doll smashes through sexual stereotypes like a weaponized depleted uranium bomb exploding through an Iraqi home. "Rah, Rah, Rah!"

For the girls there's Skeletor,

and her sister Anorexia Disgustia! Also available is their bff action figure, Sassy Black Friend Man!

But the figures that are expected to take the toy and collecting world by storm is the Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein trio of terror figures! You can get Communist monkey,

Teddy Kennedy at the beach monkey,

or smooth and silky monkey!
Collect all three or give them to a kid and stand back as that child's face is filled with delight.

Please note that not all figures will be available at all Wal-Mart locations.