And now, a message from Wal Mart

Greetings America! How are you? You're doing good we hope!

Listen, can we talk for a minute? Good. We understand some of you have been boycotting us and that some of you have stopped shopping here for whatever reason and we'd like you to come back and give us a try. We know quite a few of you are going to be getting some kind of tax refund or some kind of economic stimulus check from the government and we want you to spend that dough in our stores. In fact we demand that you spend all that money in our stores, if you don't we're going to tell the DHS, FBI, and the CIA that you are damn dirty terrorists and that you're going to use that money to fund the insurgency in Iraq and the Taliban.

Crap, we're sorry, we didn't mean to threaten you so soon America. We're sorry if we pissed you off. Look, tell ya what, since a lot of you have not been in one of our stores lately how about we show you some of our new merchandise? We're sure you're gonna love it! Always!

When you come into our stores now you'll be greeted by the Greet-tron 3000. It's programmed to say "Hello" in English and Spanish and to scan your wallet for cash.

We added a bunch of new, well, almost new, titles to our magazine section. And we kept some old copies of magazines in case you missed some back issues.

We've added a bunch of new paperback books to our line of reading material as well. Don't worry though America, we still only stock G rated romance novels, pro business non fiction, and all the Bible and Christian religion related books that you and your family love so much!What's that America? You say your kids still like that rock and roll music? Well, we've got you covered there! They can listen to all the New Kids on the Block, John Denver, and Amy Grant they like on the state of the art stereo electronics that we offer.Heck, we've even added a slew of VHS tapes for that new fangled VCR you probably got for Christmas. (Don't worry folks, as you can see we still stock the classics as well! Nothing beats a Jimmy Swaggert record America!)Ladies, we've also got a wide selection of housewares on sale now. Decorative lamps too!
We carry a line of furniture now as well. Doesn't that couch and those chairs look comfy? Sure they do, and America, they are priced to move!

All our bedding is allegedly deloused and certified to be possibly bed bug free! What about when you're out of bed and you've got a few minutes to kill between your two or three jobs? Well America, we've got a bunch of new sporting goods in stock and if you happen to hurt yourself playing during your free time we also sell medical equipment too!


Men, can we speak to just the ladies for a minute? Thanks. Ladies, we know we were kind of deficient in the past on the types of fashions we offered. We know some of you hated those old styles we sold but we heard your cries and your complaints and we pepped up our clothing line! Take a look! We've got designer blue jeans now!
Red jeans too!
And even green jeans. We've also got slacks in colorful prints and patterns.And sexy yet still chaste lingerie. Imagine the fun your husband will have taking one of these sexy yet Jesus approved nighties off you after you both get home from a Huckabee for President rally. We've also got a full line of intimates too!

We know how you gals love a hat so we've stocked up on fashionable hats. We carry a full line of poof ball hats and even red cowboy hats like the one that liberal blogger Vikkitikkitavi wears! Yes, you can now try to be as cool as she is.

Don't worry ladies we've also got the men in your life covered. We still sell a shitload of polo style shirts and NASCAR approved apparel.

And of course we did not forget the sex offender in your life, we've got them covered too with our fun and flashy line of rain coats.

So as you can tell America, we've upgraded our stores and our merchandise. We want you back and we're not kidding around. Remember that stuff we said about getting your fat asses tossed in jail if you don't spend more money with us? Well, we're not kidding around, we mean it. We've got cameras in your neighborhoods and we know who is and who isn't shopping in our stores. Don't make us do anything that you're going to regret. Trust us, none of you would look good in those prison orange jumpsuits and your fat lazy asses would not last a week in Gitmo, so if you know what's good for you and for this country, you'd better get in here and start shopping right away.

Wal Mart, Always!

Stimulating?

Hello to all mah fellow Amuricans. Ah have come to to you today with a vury special message about our economy. Ah have heard some of ya'll saying that it sucks and stuff and that ya'll ain't makin' the kind of money ya'll want ta make. Well Amurica, Ah ain't deaf, Ah heard youn's speaking that shit so that's why Ah sat down here ta talk at ya.

This here is maybe mah last year in office and Ah want to do something fer our economy that's gonna be along the lines of what Ah did in Iraq. Ya'll know what Ah mean, something that'll cement my legacy, just like the Iraqistan war done fer mah foreign policy.

So Ah sat down with mah advisors and we come up with this plan. Ya'll ready? Okey dokey then. We decided that the economy is bad due to the fact that they is some corporations that don't own everything yet and also because they is some CEO's who ain't making enough money. So, to correct this problem we's gonna cut taxes on big business so they kin use that money to buy out all the Mom 'n' Pop businesses they don't already own. And we's gonna cut taxes on the CEO's of big business so's they can trickle down on ya'll. What's that sound? Ya'll laughing at me? Stop that shit right now. This is serious ya'll. If mah government is ta suck-cede then we got to ensure that all property is owned lock stock 'n' barrel by the people who know best what to do with it, and ya'll know that's the CEO's 'n' leaders of big business. Ya'll stupid workers sure cain't be trusted with anythang and don't even git me started on the poor. The only way we're gonna git mah buddies out of this mess we're in now is ta make sure they can grab whatever money ya'll got left. Ya'll quit laughin' at me! Ah'm gonna hold mah breath until ya'll stop that shit. Here goes. Aw shit, whew that was tough. Although it was kind of like a free cheap buzz. Ah gots to remember ta do that when Ah run out of George Dickel. Now seriously ya'll, prices ain't too high, Ah kin still buy shit 'n' so kin mah friends. Housing crisis? What's that? Ah gots a place to live so Ah ain't in no crisis. Gas prices too high? Hell Amurica, they ain't high enough if you axe me. Ah ain't done making money off that shit yet and Ah kin still fill up mah pickup truck so no, gas ain't too high. Drugs and medical shit too high? Oh come on, that's just crazy talk. Next thang ya'll will tell me is ya'll want free medical care like them Communists in Canada and France and Britland and all them cold ass countries in Europe gots. Well, that shit will only happen over mah dead body.

So ya'll kin see that the problem is with the working folks and the poor, they all simply got too much money. Mah buds in big business want that money them working folks 'n' them poor are holding on to, so this plan of mine will ensure that this situation is fixed.

What? Ya'll don't believe me? Oh well, I tried. I did mah best to say all that shit with a straight face, but ya'll wouldn't stop laughin' and now ya'll got me tickled too.Hey, it's been fun but Ah gots to go. Mah ride is here.

"They" say the darndest things

A certain reader did not like my answers to his questions about Milton Friedman's role in the Chilean coup of 9-11-'73 so he went on a little tirade. I deleted his last comment because it sounded like so much sour grapes. His petulant behavior reminded me of some of the axioms and positions of rich white folks.

I'm sure you've heard the old phrase, "If you're not a liberal when you're young, then you don't have a heart. If you're not a conservative when you're old then you don't have a brain." You know who coined that little gem? Some conservative who wanted to justify his not wanting to pay taxes on his bloated income. If anything, I've grown more liberal as I have aged, especially when it comes to equal rights for homosexuals, taxes and the need to reign in the out of control multinational corporations who answer to no one. In case you're keeping score here I favor letting gay people marry one another, low taxes on the working classes and high high high taxes on the wealthy (if we don't tax them like they do in Europe then their wealth will never trickle down to the rest of us), and I favor revoking the outlandish notion that a corporation has the same rights as a living breathing person, a corporation is not a person and it does not deserve the same rights as one, it's an artificial entity that is designed (most of the time) to make profit.


Another thing one hears all the time, especially in the corporate media, is that the "free markets" will sort things out. No, as a matter of fact, they won't. The job of the free markets is not to sort anything out, it's job is to make money for those who own or know how to manipulate it. The free markets care nothing for human beings or our problems. The market is for making money not social engineering. Also the notion that we have anything close to a free market in this country is absurd, even with NAFTA and CAFTA and any other AFTA they come up with next. American businesses could not survive with out the help they get from the US government. Our leaders preach that other countries should stop helping businesses in their lands but we constantly prop up businesses here like the airlines, the sugar manufacturers, and many others. We have nothing close to a free market here and we never will because it will cost American businesses too much money.
And finally another thing one hears is that we've got to stay away from putting any regulations on business because if we do we'll kill it. Bullshit. There was a time not so long ago when there was a good deal of regulation on business in this country, you need look no further than the 1940's and 50's, the years of the post war boom, and business in this country flourished. And the reason it flourished was there was a sense of "we are all in this together." People willingly worked long hours and double shifts because the company they worked for invested so much in them and in their community. Companies paid pensions back then and they looked out for the workers who helped make them so much money. Today there is nothing like that in this country. Jobs are outsourced, people fired, and companies no longer reward the people who helped make them obscenely rich, and it's all due to the "bottom line." It is no longer profitable for corporations to offer pensions or health insurance or to have any type of community involvement. Instead of investing in us like they used to, the corporations use that money to pay their top management boatloads of money. Yep, the new business model is to reward the men, and it usually is men, at the top and to screw over the people at the bottom who did all the work in making that company a success.

If we truly want to make this country a great place for all of us and not just for the people at the very top, we need to go back to the business models they used in the post war boom of the 40's and 50's. Oh wait, what am I saying? According to the economists and pro business people, I'm being naive. If anyone disagrees with their "corporations should be allowed to run amok and do as they please with no oversight or regulation" rhetoric they always accuse them of being "naive." Well guys, I got news for you, I'm not being naive, I'm being fair and I'm looking out for my interests and not for some damn corporation that will screw me in a heart beat. Hopefully more of you will look at things in a similar way that I do and we'll all start to do something to change this screwed up business environment that's being foisted on us.

New Year, Same Old Politics

Finally, someone else has written about something that I have been only thinking, or is it having nightmares, about. I guess it's comforting in an odd way that the rich white guys in Grand Old Party aren't about to change with the times and break with the failed policies of their leader. Nope, they don't want to change, in fact they want to go further to the right economically, and I guess it's because there are a few of us that are not slaves to some corporation and there is a bit of land that has not been sold to the latest multi national corporation du jour.

Have you ever wondered what a free market low tax on the rich paradise might look like? You may be asking has there ever been such a wondrous place on this green earth?

Well, actually there has been a country that tried all the things that the current crop of Republican Presidential goons want to do here. This country in question slashed taxes on business, they privatized schools with the use of vouchers, the took all price controls off food and essential items, they swung their borders open wide for foreign investment, they cut off all "socialized" health care and put the hospitals in the hands of private companies, and they did all this in the name of making their country a capitalist paradise on earth.


What happened in this magical country that tried all these wondrous free market tactics? Well, first off inflation spiraled out of control, unemployment shot through the roof, unions were busted, and since the governments economic policies were wildly unpopular with the people of that country, the government kidnapped and or murdered most all it's internal opponents. They then took all rights of protest away from the rest of the populace and they abused the human rights of any one who dared question them. Most of the country suffered greatly, with the exception of the people who were behind the free market policies and the corporations who swooped in and built factories in this new repressive country that now had a docile fearful workforce.


The ultimate betrayal that the people of that country had to endure was that the democracy and freedom loving US government stood by and let all those horrible things happen. In fact, they not only stood by and let the torture and murder of innocent people happen, they actually helped the leaders of that country do those things. And many American corporations took a hand in helping terrorize the citizens of that country as well, companies like Ford, ITT, and General Motors.


So, by now I'm guessing you're asking, "What country tried all the economic policies that the GOP candidates want us to have here int he USA? What country had to suffer through years of repression so that their government could make them a test case for these ruthless "free market" experiments?" Well boys and girls, that country was Chile in the 1970's and '80's.

General Pinochet, with the help and blessing of the US Government, overthrew legally elected President Salvador Allende because they said he was a threat to world peace due to the fact that he was a socialist. Never mind that his policies threatened only multinational corporations and US business interests, and that he had the support of the overwhelming majority of the people. He was not pro ruthless free market so he had to go. And after he was murdered and Pinochet and the army took over, the people and the economy suffered for over 20 years. The unrestrained free market policies they tried failed miserably, except for the corporations and the junta leaders that is. This is all documented in depth in the great new Naomi Klein book. which I highly recommend, The Shock Doctrine.

Now, have you ever wondered if there is a economic system that has been tried that is somewhat equitable? One that helps more people than it hurts? One where business is restrained a bit? One where the workers benefit as well as the corporations? Yes there is. And the good news is it's one we already tried in this country. It's the system that took our grandparents and parents out of poverty and elevated them to the middle class, it's the system that FDR put into place in the '30's and '40's. Under that system companies made money, workers rights were protected, people bought homes and raised families, and most people, though not all, did relatively well.


Now, my question is after you see what they had to do in Chile to get the people there to accept the free market economy that the GOP loves so much, why would we want that in our country? Why would we not do the kinds of things that FDR did to make this country a decent place for all Americans? Why are we supposed to follow more of the same failed policies of the Bush years when we could follow what they did in the post war boom of the '40's and '50's? Our government has become government by the corporations for the corporations. How about we stand up and end this shitty cycle and make 2008 the year we started to take our country back from the greedy corporations and their stooges in our government.

Yo, Pele

Hey you living legend of soccer you. I've got some good news and I've got some bad news for you. First let me give you the good news.

They've found a huge oil deposit in your home country of Brazil.

So that means jobs and money. Lots and lots and lots of money. But you knew that right? Sure you did. You're a smart guy. And now you're smart enough and strong enough to hear the bad news. Ready? Okay then, here we go: The bad news is the USA is going to invade your country soon. Please Pele, don't take it personally, it's not like we really want to, but it is something we have to do. After all you people are sitting on top of our oil. That's right Pele, you heard me. You Brazilians are squatting on top of the oil Jesus gave to us.

Christ the Redeemer? Hell no Pele, with the discovery of all that oil down there that statue is being renamed "Christ the Pointer Outer Where All That Oil Is." Oh come on man, don't act all surprised, deep in your heart of hearts you knew that we'd have to take it sooner or later because that oil in Iraq isn't going to last forever you know. Tell ya what though dude, we'll make it a two fer. We'll invade Venezuela while we're at it and we'll just take all the oil from both your little banana republics.

It's not gonna be all that bad man. We'll install a puppet Reich wing government and let Blackwater protect them. Then we send in Halliburton to do what they do, and then after that we ship down more Wal-Marts and more evangelical missionaries to tell you how great life is under the thumb of multi national oil corporations.

We'll get Blackwater to herd all of you people into the slums of Rio and Sao Paulo and the oil execs, the disgraced televangelists, and the Republican party closet cases will move into all the nice places with their transsexual Samba dancing lovers.

It's all for the best Pele, believe me. We know what we're doing. We've done this before in Lebanon, Iraq, Iran, various countries in Central America, and many other places. We promise to leave you people alone when you are not toiling in our oil fields. And we'll even let some of you go to the beach. Expect all this to come down very very soon, after all we can't let you people get too comfortable with divvying up oil profits. Heaven forbid that you might actually use some of that money for social welfare programs or use it to improve schools, hospitals, and roads. So, tell me, how do you feel about all this news Pele?

You know what guy? Most days while that gang of thieves in the Bush junta are running things I feel like that too. Oh well, see ya in a few months!

A Dr. Monkey Movie Review

I watched Roger & Me again last night. I'd seen it when it first came out and seeing it lo these many years later I was struck by a number of things.It's the story of Michael Moore's quest to get then GM CEO Roger Smith to come back to Flint, Michigan to see the devastation caused by the closing of all the GM plants. The film follows Moore as he meets several Flint residents who are down on their luck after being laid off from GM and it shows the comical lengths that the city of Flint went through to make their dying city attractive once again. As Moore tries to track down Smith he takes us deeper and deeper into the depths of Flint's despair and depression. But as he does so he also make us laugh, in retrospect though most of the laughs are now rueful whistlin' past the graveyard laughs of recognition because after what NAFTA, Bush the elder, and Bush the Idiot have done, the rest of the USA is catching up to where Flint was many years ago.

What struck me hardest as I watched this film again was all the money the city of Flint wasted on trying to bring Flint back when they could have spent that money on retraining laid off workers and luring businesses back. Instead of doing those things they spent boatloads of cash on flying in Robert Schuller, the snake oil minister who loves money more than a fat kid loves cake, for a city wide pep talk. They also flew in Pat Boone and Anita Bryant who cheerily told the downtrodden citizens of Flint to cheer up because they lived in a great free country and to look on the positive side of being laid off with no prospects on the horizon. Of course all three, Schuller, Boone, and Bryant, flew out soon after with their pockets filled with appearance fee money. The city also wasted money on building an indoor theme park, a luxury downtown hotel, and a huge shopping/restaurant plaza, all three went bankrupt and closed within months of their opening. Which shouldn't have come as a shock to anyone since most of Flint's residents were out of work and had no money to spend at any of their brand new local attractions.

Another thing that struck me was a horrible racist "joke" Flint native Bob Eubanks told. He cheerfully looked into a camera lens and told an anti Semitic joke about Jewish women not being gay because they marry assholes instead of having sex with them. My jaw hit the floor and I looked over at Sparky and hers was doing the same.

Finally what hit me as I watched this film was how what happened to Flint seemed like a dry run for the rest of us in this multi national corporation gone mad country of ours. In a heart beat they will cite high manufacturing costs and ship all the jobs over to China and then we're, the ones not caught in the military/prison industrial complex anyway, going to convert all the old factories to shopping centers that will house Starbucks, antique stores, and maybe a Walgreens or two.

The film marked, for me anyway, the end of Reagan/Bush and the end of their shitty handling of the economy. Under those two, and just like under Bush the Idiot today, the economy grew for a tiny few while the rest of us got trickled down on. They pissed all over us and told us it was money that was pouring down on us and not their scalding urine. For the record I've got my beefs with the way Bill Clinton handled some things but at least under Clinton a huge amount of people benefited from the expanding economy.

Even though this film is over 15 years old it still stands up today. I highly recommend it.

And now, a Presidential news conference on the Pakistan situation

Greetings American people! It is I, Soviet Cosmonaut Guy coming to you live from the Washington DC Ramada Inn where your President for Life Bush is about to answer some questions on the situation in Pakistan. What? He's not here? Where is he?"Hey, ya'll brown kids, look at me. I'm a monkey! Heh, heh, heh."

Excuse me Mr. President, it's time for your news conference.

"Okay, sorry. I was just playing around with them illegal alien's kids. Is Prevez Moosharif ready?"

What, you can't see me? I'm standing right next to you. Sometimes you are an idiot George.

"Watch it Prevez, or I may send your brown Allah worshipping ass to Gitmo. Hahahaha."

Yeah, right, and then who'd be your Asian lap dog? Hahahahaha.

"Fair enough, let's do this and then let's go get hammered."

You got it Georgie.

"Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for showing up. Me and my trained monkey will answer a few questions now. But since I have taken a page from Prevez's playbook and I have imprisoned all the corporate media, I will only take questions from Commie Astronaut Dude and from that gal with the small boobies who has the ragin' heart on."Thanks Mr. President. I'm wondering why when the military junta in Mynamar cracked down you wanted tough sanctions against them, but when your buddy standing next to you did the same thing in his country you did nothing."Ya, see little lady, the thing is we ain't close allies with them godless slant eyed folks in Burma like we is with Prevez here and since we don't give them any money we can get all moral about human rights and shit on them. Since Prevez gets millions of our dollars to fight terror and to house Osama Bin Laden, he can do what he pleases. Our friends can get away with murder but the people we don't like can't do shit."Let me just add to that, if we were in my country now young lady I would put my hand on your head and I would shove your worthless female brain into your chest cavity for asking such an impertinent question. And then you would be hauled off to the mountains that border Pakistan and Afghanistan and you would be married off to a goat herder or to a goat itself.

Please to excuse me sirs, but I have question for President for life Bush.

"Fire away Unibrow Guy."

Da, I will, thank you. You rarely wear hats Mr. Bush, what do you think of people in the Middle East and Asia who do wear head coverings?

"I got nothing against people in funny hats. That dude from Afghanistan cracks me up when he wears his beanie like thingy. I tell him it looks like one of them Jew hats on steroids."
"But them people who wear bed sheets on their heads, frankly, they scare me."
"Well, except for my buddy Osama. I could never be scared of the man who put me in office for a second term. If it hadn't been for him I never would have been able to shove the Patriot Act down ya'll's throats, spy on ya'll, take away ya'll's rights, and subvert the Constitution when ever I damn well please. Heck, I'm not an emotional guy but I'm gonna say something mushy now, Osama, I love you man!"
Hand to Allah, George, I love you too!

I have another question, why are you two in black and white now?

Holy shit! She's a witch! She turned us black and white George, send her to Gitmo! Throw her in a prison cell! Burn her at the stake!

"Steak? Mmmmmm, that reminds me, I'm hungry. Let's go get some lunch Prevez."

Only if you promise to give me millions more in aid so I can keep oppressing my people and subverting the aims of democracy.

"You got a deal buddy!"

There you have it America, that's all the news we're allowed to give you today. Tune in tomorrow for more! Until we meet again, remember, we must wage war to prevent war, we must continue to make the rich richer because only they know how to spend money wisely, and you must continue to give up your rights so that you can be free to do what we tell you to do!