And now, a message from Wal Mart

Greetings America! How are you? You're doing good we hope!

Listen, can we talk for a minute? Good. We understand some of you have been boycotting us and that some of you have stopped shopping here for whatever reason and we'd like you to come back and give us a try. We know quite a few of you are going to be getting some kind of tax refund or some kind of economic stimulus check from the government and we want you to spend that dough in our stores. In fact we demand that you spend all that money in our stores, if you don't we're going to tell the DHS, FBI, and the CIA that you are damn dirty terrorists and that you're going to use that money to fund the insurgency in Iraq and the Taliban.

Crap, we're sorry, we didn't mean to threaten you so soon America. We're sorry if we pissed you off. Look, tell ya what, since a lot of you have not been in one of our stores lately how about we show you some of our new merchandise? We're sure you're gonna love it! Always!

When you come into our stores now you'll be greeted by the Greet-tron 3000. It's programmed to say "Hello" in English and Spanish and to scan your wallet for cash.

We added a bunch of new, well, almost new, titles to our magazine section. And we kept some old copies of magazines in case you missed some back issues.

We've added a bunch of new paperback books to our line of reading material as well. Don't worry though America, we still only stock G rated romance novels, pro business non fiction, and all the Bible and Christian religion related books that you and your family love so much!What's that America? You say your kids still like that rock and roll music? Well, we've got you covered there! They can listen to all the New Kids on the Block, John Denver, and Amy Grant they like on the state of the art stereo electronics that we offer.Heck, we've even added a slew of VHS tapes for that new fangled VCR you probably got for Christmas. (Don't worry folks, as you can see we still stock the classics as well! Nothing beats a Jimmy Swaggert record America!)Ladies, we've also got a wide selection of housewares on sale now. Decorative lamps too!
We carry a line of furniture now as well. Doesn't that couch and those chairs look comfy? Sure they do, and America, they are priced to move!

All our bedding is allegedly deloused and certified to be possibly bed bug free! What about when you're out of bed and you've got a few minutes to kill between your two or three jobs? Well America, we've got a bunch of new sporting goods in stock and if you happen to hurt yourself playing during your free time we also sell medical equipment too!


Men, can we speak to just the ladies for a minute? Thanks. Ladies, we know we were kind of deficient in the past on the types of fashions we offered. We know some of you hated those old styles we sold but we heard your cries and your complaints and we pepped up our clothing line! Take a look! We've got designer blue jeans now!
Red jeans too!
And even green jeans. We've also got slacks in colorful prints and patterns.And sexy yet still chaste lingerie. Imagine the fun your husband will have taking one of these sexy yet Jesus approved nighties off you after you both get home from a Huckabee for President rally. We've also got a full line of intimates too!

We know how you gals love a hat so we've stocked up on fashionable hats. We carry a full line of poof ball hats and even red cowboy hats like the one that liberal blogger Vikkitikkitavi wears! Yes, you can now try to be as cool as she is.

Don't worry ladies we've also got the men in your life covered. We still sell a shitload of polo style shirts and NASCAR approved apparel.

And of course we did not forget the sex offender in your life, we've got them covered too with our fun and flashy line of rain coats.

So as you can tell America, we've upgraded our stores and our merchandise. We want you back and we're not kidding around. Remember that stuff we said about getting your fat asses tossed in jail if you don't spend more money with us? Well, we're not kidding around, we mean it. We've got cameras in your neighborhoods and we know who is and who isn't shopping in our stores. Don't make us do anything that you're going to regret. Trust us, none of you would look good in those prison orange jumpsuits and your fat lazy asses would not last a week in Gitmo, so if you know what's good for you and for this country, you'd better get in here and start shopping right away.

Wal Mart, Always!