Stop the lies!

...and then I said, "No babe, that really is a sausage!" Oh hi. I didn't see you all there, sorry. I was just telling that sexist joke to illustrate the point that jokes like that are bad, yeah that's it, bad.


I know it's hot and humid so I won't keep you all here long. I asked you all here so I could clear up some misunderstandings and so I could refute some lies that have hit the campaign trail harder than Lindsey Lohan hits her crack pipe.


My rival Sleestak has dug up some information that he thinks will damage my campaign to restore America to greatness. He's found out when I was younger that I embraced Communism. But he's actually wrong. What I embraced was Marxism, not Soviet style Communism.
Yes, this is an old poster from my college days. All of us experimented in college one way or another. Some of you tried homosexuality, some tired baking, others went in for macrame, and a few of you were 'one toke over the line Sweet Jeebus' a time or two as the kids today say. It just so happens that I experimented with Marxism because I was in love with a young hot Marxist girl. Here is her picture:

Trust me she used to be a knockout. Alas she rebuffed me and I left my Marxism behind when she did so. So now you can see that I am not a Marxist, unless you count liking the Marx Brothers as being a bad thing. I am committed to the principles of the Constitution and I will enforce those principles on behalf of all Americans.

And now lets hear what some regular citizens who are not paid campaign shills have to say about me and my past:

"Dr. Monkey's past is in the past and whatever he did back then is cool with me. I think Sleestak is grasping at straws and if Dr. Monkey were here I'd press my boobies up against him like this...."

"The Monkerstein campaign must not be derailed by the running dog lackeys of the upper classes. Our revolutionary cadres must remain ideologically pure!"

"Evil Spock will not consent to be interviewed at this time because Evil Spock is chafing badly from today's bike ride. Now unless you are prepared to powder Evil Spock's nether regions, then Evil Spock suggests you get out of Evil Spock's living quarters."

"Wooooooo hooooooo, I'm so drunk. Has the whole world tipped over or something? Or is it just me?"

"Please go away, I finally got this guy to go out with me and I am not going to seduce him with your stupid asses around. Leave us alone."

As you can plainly see America stands behind me. They still support me in my bid to become your leader. Don't forget to vote Kucinich but be ready to vote for me if Special K is not nominated.