Our long national nightmare is over

It looks like Evil Spock is back. He's got a new post up on his blog and he's been spotted commenting on other blogs. I'm happy to see him back but I know how fickle he is with our blogmotions, he could be setting us up for a bad break up later. But we'll worry about that when it happens.

So to celebrate his first blog post in months, I offer up these two photos of Gong Li.

Let Gong Li's wistful smile be your welcome back to the blog world.

Monkeys abroad

Evil Spock left me the link to this clip in the comments section of my previous post. After watching it I had to share it with everyone.



We've come a long ways since the days of Lancelot Link.

The people speak with one voice

And with that voice they shout, "Monkerstein for President in 2008!"

Here is another random sampling of Monkerstein supporters from across the country and their words of praise for me:

"Yo, Dr. Monkey dude, I dig your position on immigration. It will make our country stronger and it will increase the chances that I will score with a hot Latino gal. Now could someone pull my finger? I'm dying to cut one."
"Meow, meow, meow, meow, salmon, meow, meow, meow."

"Yee haa ya'll! I'm Missy Mandy Brittany Ashley Bledsoe Jr. and I'm president of the UT Vols for Monkerstein. We love the Monkey here in Knoxville and we cain't wait for him to be our next President. Oh, ain't he cute too? All us college girls love him!"

"These horns are real. I am a mutant freak and I should not be alive. I was one of Dr. Zaius's experiments gone wrong. Please for the love of all that is holy, kill me now. Give me the sweet release of death."

"I cut off my pant leg to show how much I love Dr. Monkerstein. So what if it also might get me laid by this beardy guy here? Can't a gal get a little while she supports the Monkerstein campaign?"

"I found this American boy wandering in my neighborhood in Istanbul. I love him and I am keeping him. Our love burns bright, almost as bright as the shining Monkerstein campaign to lead America back to greatness. Now please go away and leave Jimmy and I alone."

"I will kick your ass and break your nose on my washboard abs if you try to put that feckin' fez on me again. I'm serious. What's that? You want to try me? Well bring it on tough guy."

If you all will excuse me now, I must attend to that young lady.

Plumbing the depths of depravity with Germaine Gregarious

Dr. Zaius's running mate Germaine Gregarious has not only taken a page from the insidious playbook of her political mentor, she has stolen his whole library! On her blog she has not only stooped so low as to goad my family members into saying scandalously insane things about me by plying them with cheap wine, off brand cough syrup, and a pack or two of Lucky Strikes, she has now tried to fake her own death so as to implicate me in a case of murder!

Nice try Gregarious but our campaign loyalists caught you in your web of lies. It seems ladies and gentlemen that Ms. Gregarious stole away from the hairy hands of Zaius and is appearing at a Renaissance Faire somewhere near Barstow, California this weekend. As you can see from this photo Madam Gregarious is not too bright. She is seen wearing a Victorian costume to a Renaissance Faire, perhaps she's been booked to play the village idiot? Who knows. Who cares.

Some loyal Monkersteiners also snapped this photo of Miss Gregarious enjoying the decidedly male affections of Indian porn star and Mumbai native, Ravi Dongkar. How much longer do you plan to keep this fiction of being a "lesbian" up Germaine? How long?

And don't think that Dr. Zaius has been all work and no foul play either. A Monkey Party loyalist caught this sight in his camera lens just a few hours ago:

It sickens Samurai Frog and I to see our opponents dancing, prancing, and lying away the days while we work to mend this country after the disaster known as the Bush years. If these two had been around in ancient Rome they would have made Caligula blush!

You have it in your power to end their madness, do what's best for America and vote Monkerstein in 2008! (If Dennis Kucinich does not get nominated that it.)

"Hey Ya'll...

...theys a bunch of black people livin' in Africa. Did ya'll know that? I didn't." Do us all a favor and revoke Pickles passport please.

Johnson City Power Board...

... you are my bee-otch. I own you.
The final bill for the year after all the budget billing payments is NEGATIVE 127.86. That's right boys and girls the suckers at the JCPB owe us here at el Casa de Monkey a whopping $127.86. That means we won't have to pay a electric bill for a month and a half, during the hottest part of the year. So there. Nah. Nah. Nah.

Really?

It's the white boots. They sap your will to live.

Interview with Mitt Romney

After interviewing six of these damn Republican candidates for President I needed a break so I asked Reid Fleming the world's toughest milkman to interview Mitt Romney for me. After he kicked my ass for asking him, he agreed. We now present that interview:
Reid: Okay you damn Mormon, listen up. You are gonna answer my questions, not give me any shit, or I will kick your Nancy boy ass, do you understand me?
Romney: Sure.
Reid: Good. So, you're a Mormon huh. What's up with that, eh?
Romney: It's no different than being a Methodist...
Reid: Bush is a Methodist.
Romney: So am I!
Reid: You're a Mormon.
Romney: Of course I am.
Reid: Then why'd you claim to be a Methodist?
Romney: Because I am. I have always been a Methodist.
Reid: You're about to piss me off.
Romney: Sorry, we Mormons do not like pissing off milkmen.
Reid: Too late. I'm gonna give you a black eye now.

Romney: Ouch.

Reid: I warned you.

Romney: Yes, you did not. I remember you not warning me. It was a defining moment in my life.

Reid: You want another one? Grrrrr.

Romney: Yes, I do not want another one. I have always not wanted another one.

Reid: Then answer my questions properly you slick haired boob.

Romney: Yes sir.

Reid: I dig your wife.

Romney: Thanks. She's hot.

Reid: Dr. Monkey's 11 1/2 readers want to know how you two Mormons get it on when you make the beast with two backs. Tell them in 10 words or less.

Mrs. Romney: That's private.

Romney: Oh, honey, let's share.

Mrs. Romney: (Blushing) Well if you think it's best Mitt honey bunny sugar wooger.

Reid: Come on, start talking or you get another shiner Mitty boy.

Romney: Well, I take the biggest thing...

Reid: You're up to six words already dumb ass.
Romney: ...then me go in.

Mrs. Romney: I am so embarrassed.

Reid: It's okay lady. Calm down. Have a Coke or a smoke or something and relax.

Romney: We do it alot. We're Mormons after all. It's part of our church doctrine that we have a shit load of kids. Would you like to meet some of brood?

Reid: I have no choice do I?

Mrs. Romney: Kids! Come in here and meet the milkman.

Romney: I'll introduce them. They're kind of shy.

Romney: That's Suzie, Billy, Connie, Carlos, Sheila, Biff, Sandy, Kit, Donald, Mitt Jr., Gordon, Todd, Paul, Stevie, Cooter, Jazzbo, Ming Ha, Freckles, JuJu Bee, Pontiac, Tree Trunk, Klondike Mary, Paula, Dr. Pepper, Stinky, Sleepy Slim, Granny Gee, Oblong, Waistcoat, Rooster, A-Rod, Hot Tuna, and Captain Kirk.

Reid: Holy crap.

Romney: Wait there's more.

Mrs. Romney: Ray Ray, Dorito, Shabeela, Nostradomus, Cosa Nostra, Tupac, Biggie, Lil' Killa, Ben Gay, Gum Drop, Becky Boo, Crunkin' Like a Mofro, Colt 45, Tad, Sean, EZ Wider, Tech 9, and Worthington Jay McNasty.

Romney: And don't forget these two little bundles of joy honey.
Mrs. Romney: Oh yes! The twins, Gunnar and Brunhilda. They fell out on the way over.

Reid: Who's the babe holding them?

Romney: She's our Au Pair Yvonne. She's French.

Reid: I really dig her. I'm ending this interview now so I can abscond with her.

Romney: No you better not. She needs to stay around and help the wife.

Reid: Up yours, she's leaving with me.

Romney: Please, don't take her and defile her.

Reid: Zip it. Come on babe, we're getting the hell out of here and we're gonna get drunk 'n' have some fun. Give me the girl and a pack of matches.

Romney: No.....

Reid: Shut up you.

Romney: No take my wife instead. Leave me the young woman...

Reid:

Reid: (as he helps Yvonne into his souped up milk truck) No wonder Dr. Monkey hates doing these things, those Republicans are idiots.

Yvonne: Zee Democrats are not, how you say, mooch better.

Reid: Yer right sugar, now hand me that bottle of Scotch and let's party!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is it just us?

Is it just us or would Scooter Libby already be behind bars if he looked like this guy?

But since our lil' felon Scooter

works for this creep,

who in turn works for this lawless douchebag,

they'll make sure he doesn't get

ed.

Everything old is new again

"What goes around comes around."
"Those who do not remember the past are condemed to repeat it."
Holy shit, look what they've done to our country, they've turned it into an American version of the USSR.

The citizens of the former USSR had to wait around for hours and hours in lines just to buy bread.
In the USA we wait in our cars for hours and hours for the privilege of getting anally raped at the gas pump by the oil companies who we're fighting a war for now.

They had a disastrous invasion of Afghanistan in 1979.

We had a disastrous invasion of Afghanistan too.

Their citizens were notorious drunks.

So are some of ours.

In the old USSR the people were spied on by

and
Uncle Joe

and lil' Nikita

and the guys and gals at the Kremlin.

Here in the USA we get spied on by

and

and

and the guys and gals who work for this douchebag.




They had leaders who spoke out against gays and lesbians despite their homoerotic tendencies.
We've got leaders who speak out against gay and lesbians despite their homoerotic tendencies.


Their leaders would often review troops of nations they had "liberated."We have leaders who also review troops of nations that we have "liberated."

They had leaders who could not lead properly or dance worth a damn.
We also have leaders who can not lead properly or dance worth a damn.

Finally, and perhaps worst of all,
they had hot dancing girls who could shake it like a Poloroid picture,
while we got stuck with Paula Abdul.


So, did we really win the Cold War after all?
Nah, I'd say it was pretty much a draw.