It's comin' on Christmas...

Sparky got the tree up and decorated it. Doesn't it look nice?We went with a red and white look this year. But somehow this managed to end up on the tree:
Sock Monkey, he's everywhere he wants to be.

I managed to get out and arrange the Dr. Seuss trees:
Fahoo fores dahoo dores, bitches!

From 1957 comes...

...a rubber base paint cover Christmas tree to wish you a happy belated Christmas in July.

All right you slackers...

...don't let one little shopping related death at Wal Mart stop you from doing your patriotic duty, get out there and shop or the baby Jesus will smite you! We can't win the war on Christmas unless we buy more and more shit made in China, now go!

My first shot fired in the war on Christmas!

Does Santa really only come once a year? Only the rubber chicken knows for sure.

Christmas lights

No, that is NOT our house. It's a house near one of the parks where we walk. I love how they decorated their yard for Christmas, it's the perfect blend of the secular and the religious. It's as if they are trying to make sure they cover both sides of the Christmas spectrum. Or maybe they're blending traditions by saying, "Santa gave us the little baby Jesus for Christmas."

I'm still feeling the holiday love and I hope you are as well. I like this time of year because things slow down and those bastards in Washington DC who are ruining our country are taking a few weeks off. But it's important to remember that we've still got men and women in uniform in far off lands fighting a useless and idiotic war for oil and revenge. And one of the sad things about that is that they'll be there next year as well because President Idiot has no idea how to end this war he started. So while you're enjoying your friends and family and all your gifts this year, remember the Afghans and Iraqi's who are being killed, maimed and displaced because of our government. Also remember that at one time the USA used to be considered a moral country that had a some respect for the rule of law and that we haven't always been the international pariah we are now.

If I could have one gift I really really really want this year, it would be for the wars to be over. And for President Idiot and Vice President Evil to be impeached and imprisoned. That's two gifts I know, but in my mind you can't have one without the other.

Santa is bringing sexy back

I hope all of you got what you wanted for Christmas. I asked for some happy underpants but no one got me any. I'll guess I'll just have to go commando these last few days of the year. Happy Christmas, war is over if you want it!

A holiday greeting from George W. Bush

...yow-weeeeeeee! Somebody's less than fresh all right. You wasn't lyin' Unka Dick. What? Oh shoot. Uhhhh, hi there Amurica. I didn't get told ya'll was there. Heh, heh, heh, how they hangin'? I'm good thanks fer axing. I just wanted to take a moment out from destroying evidence, shit, I mean from out of my busy schedule to wish ya'll a happy Hanuka-mis-wanzza. This is a joyous time of year fer me and my family. We love to celebrate the birth of Santa Claus and share his inspirational message of giving with others. Not only do I like the holidays real good but my cabinet people and my family does as well. Let's hear a few words from some of them:



Condi Rice here America, happy holidays!



Happy Christmas from your friends at the CIA.


Wazzzup America? I'm Not Jenna and I want to wish you all a happy whatever the heck it is you celebrate. I hope everyone except for Democrats, progressives, and guys who want to marry one another have a super swell time this holiday season.


I've got no idea why I'm here. I'm an old Soviet era statue. Please, someone please smash me and get me away from these people, I'm begging you.

Happy Christmas from Dick Cheney's future organ donors and their parents!


There ya'll have it. That's my holiday greetings. Oh shit, wait. I forgot, If they's anyone listenin' who don't believe in the lil baby Jesus in the same ways I do, then I got a special present for ya:
Sit on that and spin you tiny batter dipped baby Jesus haters. And that goes fer all of ya'll Mooslems, Seeks, Heebs, Hindoos, Hindon'ts, Science-tographers, Phototographers, Thespians, Gerontologists, and Psychobabblers.


Ya'll be good Amurica, I'm goin' on vacation for a few weeks, they's some brush down in Crawford that's got my name on it. Ya'll be sweet now!

I'm sure you'll understand

Due to circumstances that are entirely in our control we will no longer be redeeming gift cards or gift certificates here at Monkey Muck. We in no way apologize for any inconvenience that our new policy may cause you.

Recaptioned New Yorker Cartoon #3

"Harry was too young for the Vietnam war, too old for the Iraq war, but he's just the right age for the war on Christmas!"

(This cartoon originally appeared in the October 26, 1968 issue of the New Yorker.)

C V Day

It's here boys and girls, the day you've all dreamed about has finally arrived. That's right Christmas Victory Day is finally at hand! Billo said the war he's fought has finally been won, so it must be true, after all Billo said it!
As you can expect there was much jubilation in the streets.

But oddly enough there was a bit of introspection as well. It seems that this hard fought war on Christmas left some of us in a pensive, almost brooding mood. Let's find out what real people have to say about the victory in the war on Christmas.

Gal in a Roy Lichtenstein print says: "It all happened so fast, it seems the only people who profited off the war were FOX News anchors who wrote books about it. Christmas is for everyone, why couldn't we all have made a little coin off the war on it?"

Lonely Pig Farmer guys says: "Corporate farms are killing this country and people like me. Let's start a war on them, how about that?"

1960's Finland says: "Brr, it's feckin' cold up here sandwiched between Sweden and Communist Russia. How about you let us switch places with Spain for a few months? Please? Pretty please?"
Kate Winslett says: "This picture of me looks too much like that Roy Lichtenstein print. I shouldn't be in this post."

Stogie Chomping Top Hat Guy says: "Let's fight a real war next time. I say we fight the war on stupid blowhard pundits and FOX News anchors. And CNN anchors too! And don't even get me started on the weasel Glen Beck or that twat Nancy Grace."
Women on a break from work say: "Go away. We're resting. We don't make enough to buy Christmas presents anyway, so leave us alone. Unless you're going to give us all a good "seeing to" that is. If that's the case, then you can stay. Otherwise, piss off."

Cletus and Billy Joe Bob Baker-Weinstein say: "We won the war on Christmas? No shit? Can we start the war on Kwanzaa now?"

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Thank you Billo for winning the war on Christmas for us all! Happy C V Day everybody!

O, Christmas Tree

The cookie party last Saturday must have put us in the holiday mood because the day after we put up our tree and Sparky decorated the rest of the house for the holidays. For two people who don't go to church or recognize any of the religious mumbo jumbo that goes along with Christmas we sure as hell have a shit load of holiday decorations. And when I say shit load, I mean we have five big boxes and four and a half totes full of Christmas stuff.

Now I'm sure some of you are scratching your heads and wondering why two non-believers would decorate for Christmas and put up a tree. Well it's like this kids, we're both cultural Christians, that is both our families went to church and professed to believe in Christianity as we grew up. Along the way Sparky and I grew out of the need to believe in that stone age stuff. For me, and maybe Sparky too but I really can't speak for her, Christmas is about celebrating the past year and showing family and friends how much you love them. It's also about spending time with and maybe some money on those you love. I like to give presents because I like making people I love happy. I don't go overboard like I used to, mainly because I don't make as much money as I used to, so now I put more thought into what I give to people on my list. I'm also more charitable this time of year, especially when I see the Salvation Army kettles, because when I was a poor kid growing up in the projects in Detroit we were on the receiving end of more than one charity during more than one Christmas.

Anyway, here's a few shots of the Christmas tree we have up at el Casa de Monkey (and yes, it's a fake tree):We have a lot of toy type ornaments, cloth birds, snowmen, and Santas.

That's one of my favorite ornaments, the bushy beard Santa on the bike. We have three of them and when I see them they always make me smile.

Would you look at that? Someone stuck a mini Halloween sock monkey on the tree! Who would have done such a thing?
Probably the same person who hung the other mini sock monkey on the other side of the tree. That red star a new tree topper we got just this year. I really like it. It gives the tree a "Communist" look, especially when you stand back and see all the other red ornaments. Hey, now that I've shown you mine, maybe you'll show me yours.

This just in...

Despite the news that four men have come forth and said they had some sort of sexual encounter with Larry "REPUBLICAN from Idaho" Craig, the Senator contends that he is still not gay.

However, the same can not be said of his boyfriend Dirty Sanchez.

Despite reports to the contrary, even those on this very blog, Splotchy has been holding our Crunky for three days now.

He may let it loose sometime on Monday. In other Crunky news, photos from this blog are now the 14th image and 15th images when you google "Crunky" on Google Images.

Side bangs are back this winter. Ladies, please get styled accordingly.

Jess Wundrun may have won us the war on Christmas with this post. Thank goodness we let anybody and everybody serve on our side.

And finally, we all get a Christmas miracle early this year because Bossy has found us all a Presidential candidate we can get behind. Bless you baby Jesus for giving us Bossy and her brilliant ideas.

Ru Paul could be his own First Lady! Think of the savings!

Dispatches from the war on Christmas front: Anheuser-Busch hates Baby Jesus

I was shocked, shocked, SHOCKED to see this latest salvo against Christmas, Christians, and the white way of life in a local grocery store:What's that? You say you can't quite make out that pagan scribbling on that package? Well, allow me to move in a bit closer so you can make out this blasphemy:

God damn them! How dare they put all the early winter holidays on the same level with Christmas? Jesus H. Christ, all those white folks who spent years oppressing blacks, Jews, women, and gays would be outraged that Baby Jesus is not washed in the blood of the holiday lamb and held in higher esteem than all those other holidays.

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What's next in their insidious war on Christmas? Will they tell me to have good will to all men and to wish for peace on earth this year? Well I'm here to tell them no freakin' way! That kind of talk sounds like something that was cooked up in a back room at the UN!

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So until the next dispatch from the war on Christmas, this is Dr. Monkey asking you WWBJD? What would Baby Jesus drink? He wouldn't drink any Anheuser-Busch products that's for sure. He'd drink Molson Ice or Jack Daniels because he likes a quick buzz.

Another war on Christmas recruit

This mutant salmon patty refuses to utter the words, "Merry Christmas." However, it will wish you a "Happy Hanukkah" if you ask it nicely.

Are you ready for the war on Christmas?

Jesus is ready.

Young Diana Rigg is ready.

This Sikh dude on horseback is ready.

However, I need a few minutes. I'll catch up to you guys later, I promise. Really.