Project much Mike?

Fat religious radical Republican Mike Huckabee is outraged that someone would use religion to politically attack someone else.
He wrote this on his PAC blog:

"The only thing worse than a person attempting to show-off and parade his faith for the purpose of getting a vote is a person who would falsely and viciously attack his political opponent's faith and lie about it. The latest ad by Jack Conway will be studied by future political scientists as the most egregious example of slash and burn sleaze politics..."

I left him a comment to the effect that if anyone knew about people parading their faith to get votes, it would be him because after all he built his political career on it. Somehow I doubt he and his handlers will ever let my comment will ever see the light of day on his PAC blog.

What the fat douchebag actually meant to say was, that he's shocked the a Democrat had the gall to attack a Republican over his lack of religion. But considering that Huckabee never takes responsibility and always blames others for his actions, wants to deny those with pre existing conditions (including kids with cancer) health insurance, and thinks that Jesus condones the death penalty because he didn't climb down off the cross, this latest incident should surprise no one. Huckabee is one of those first class douchebags who gives Christianity an even worse image than it's already got.

Wondering

I wonder if Fox News or any of the conservative blogs did any stories about the arrest of the Christian terrorists in Michigan. I looked on a couple of their blogs but no mention of it anywhere. I tried to watch Fox but I couldn't stand the unrelenting pro Republican spin. I'm guessing it will take them a day or so to find a way to claim those right wing GI Joe wannabes are really liberals who are hell bent on trying to discredit the god fearing Jesus loving tea bagging militia movement.

Are you ready for the war on Christmas?

Jesus is ready.

Young Diana Rigg is ready.

This Sikh dude on horseback is ready.

However, I need a few minutes. I'll catch up to you guys later, I promise. Really.

Pass me the trash can so I can puke my guts out

I made the mistake of watching this on the World Series pre game show last night. My jaw hit the floor as soon as I saw it and Sparky screamed, "Turn it! Turn it to something sane until they start actually playing baseball!"

Maybe in some parallel universe where the San Diego Padres are the New York Yankees is Bush a World Series hero. And if I was Kirk Gibson, or Don Gibson,or Mickey Lolich,or Derek Jeter, or Jacoby Ellsbury, or David Ortiz, or Lou Gehrig, or Babe Ruth, or Don Drysdale, or Dizzy Dean,or Sandy Koufax, or any bat boy on any team that ever played in the fall classic I'd demand FOX Sports apologize for putting that stupid criminal murdering thug in the same company as me. In fact, if I was them I'd beat the shit out of Rupert Murdoch and Bill O'Rielly for slandering my hero-ness by calling Bush a World Series hero.

Sometimes the bad guys get spanked

Nah nah nah, Lowes stores has pulled their advertising from hate monger Loofah Lad's TV show.

Mr. O'Reilly was seen crying his beady little eyes out over the decision.

Seriously though, it's nice to see one company finally stop supporting that hate fest known as The O'Reilly Factor.

Hey Rupert, why so sad?

Yo Rupert Murdoch, you just bought the Dow Jones, you own most all the media, you're on your second trophy wife, you've inflicted your horrid offspring on the world, so why are you so sad?



"I'm sad because I don't own the following things: all the water in the ocean, the air we all breathe, every mountain, Mars, the Milky Way, a Milky Way bar, the Appian Way, Going My Way, My Way by Frank Sinatra (though I do own the Sid Vicious version), franks and beans, beaners, tweeners, tweezers, Twizzlers, Sizzlers, Bedazzlers, All That Jazzlers, Jerry Mathers (oh wait mate, I do own the Beave), the bones of Cotton Mather, anti matter, apples on a platter, a naybob that natters, little feet that go pitter patter, chitter-chatter, chitter-chatter, chitter-chatter 'bout Shmatta, shmatta, shmatta -- I can't give it away on 7th Avenue, a blue Jew, a frothy brew, a who flew snoo, a jiggly boo, and Tigger too. That's why I'm sad mate. Now, go tell that Chinky girl who lets me touch her boobies that I need a new diaper."

Sure, whatever you say you greedy old bastard you.

"And then you come back in after she gets me changed, because I just bought you while we were talking."

Damn. And I didn't even know I was for sale. Bastard.

Coming this fall to FOX...

If you love the hit BBC drama Footballers Wives, then you'll flip for our rip off of that show. It's called Softballers Wives!



It goes behind the scenes of the glitzy and glamorous world of beer league softball and it lays bare the passions and peccadilloes of the upper crust sporting set. This one is sure to be a hit! A home run in fact!

We at FOX have assembled the finest acting talent for this show. Just look at who we've got:

Haley Duff stars as the virginal put upon wife of the team's slugger.

James Van Der Beek stars as the temperamental slugger with a dark secret!

Melissa Joan Hart is the scheming vixen out to screw everyone, one way or another!

Robert DeNiro is a can of soda!

Kerry Washington is the token black woman with big hair and a sassy attitude!

Vaclev Havel is the Czech intellectual with a passion for all things American!

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein is the boy toy who played with fire but never got burnt!

Susan Sarandon is the team's aging tart with a heart of gold!

Sophia Loren is her mother!

Christian Slater is just glad to be cast!

The late George C. Scott is the crusty team owner who is really a brain eating zombie!

George W. Bush is the team's sprightly, impishly stupid little mascot!

Tony Blair is his poodle!

Naveen Andrews and Barbra Hershey are the mysterious couple from Des Moines!

And Jill St. John is the red head with a grudge!

Be sure to tune in this fall after the World Series on FOX for this groundbreaking TV show. We promise you'll love it, and if you don't so the hell what? We're FOX and we do what ever Rupert Murdoch wants us to, we have to, we sold our souls to him.

More corporate media whores slag us progressive bloggers

By not listening to us and believing everything we say the left wing bloggers are destroying America. How dare they form their own opinions?

I agree. It's treason that they are allowed to speak and spread their vile progressive opinions and facts. Do they not realize that white men in the media know more than they do? Damn them for not paying attention to us.

It's a crime I tell ya! Here I am on FOX and I'm also on NPR, so that makes me doubly smart and them doubly wrong for not listening to me and believing everything I spew. Guys, look at my bulging eyes, the more they bulge the more American needs to turn away from the bloggers and back to us in the corporate media.

Grrr, blogging bad. FOX news good. Wall Street Journal good.

They should be tossed in Gitmo, the dirty sons of bitches.



They disgust me with their whining about ending the war and making the world a more fair place for all. I despise them.

Hey, most of them stopped paying attention. What do we do now?

Let's turn off the internets!

Hey come back, I'll show you my tits! Come back! Please?

Hey you three whiny bitches, kiss my left wing ass.

Funny, not funny

I had lunch with my friend Todd the other day. And is so often the case when we get together we let the jokes, witty banter, and the bon mots fly. As we munched our Pad Prik, his made with chicken and mine with pork, we talked and laughed.

I forget how it came up but somehow I brought up the subject of that awful "comedy" show on FOX, The 1/2 Hour News Hour. I told him how I had accidentally watched a couple of minutes of it and how bad it was. He then made the point that it just goes to show you the the oppressor, or in this case the media outlet of the oppressor, simply can not be funny. It's tough to laugh at the man's jokes when he's got his hobnail boot on your throat and he's putting all his weight on your windpipe. But when the man trips, falls, and breaks that foot, then that is some funny shit.

Last night as I was watching Michael Moore on the Letterman show, that's right we're Letterman people here at el Casa de Monkey, I saw a commercial for a home improvement super store and lo and behold, this guy was in it. For those of you who do not know, this is one of the anchors on the 1/2 Hour News Hour. As soon as I recognized him I let out a little yelp of disgust and turned the channel. I know every actor has the right to work, so I'm not begrudging this dick a job. I'm just exercising my right not to have to watch an ass who makes fun of progressive politicians who want to bring the country back together after conservative ones have pulled it apart. Maybe he and Dennis Miller can team up and they can yuk it up for the Hispanic immigrants all the FOX Comedy Channel hairdo's want to deport.

Nah, they can't do that because if they then their fans in the KKK would get mad at them.

Deep in the bowels of the White House 2

With his poll ratings dropping faster than a "To Catch A Predator" contestant's pants and the dead bodies in Iraq and Afghanistan rising quicker than the average American's credit card debt, the Idiot in Chief has become increasingly snappish and ill tempered. Some say he has a "bunker mentality." Our Monkey Muck microphones caught this conversation in the White House just the other day:

President Bush: I am the president. The president. Do ya'll hear me? I am the president. Now tell me who is here to see me.

Karl Rove: It's your friends from Texas.

Friends from Texas: Howdy Georgie. How they hangin'?

Bush: I am the president. I bet ya'll forgot that. El presidente. The top enchilada. And what I say goes. So nah, nah, nah.

Friends: We know you're the president George. We helped pay to get you here. Now it's our turn to collect, we want that Eye-Racky oil. Whats taking so long?

Bush: President. President. Me, me, me. The. President.

Karl Rove: You guys need to be patient.

Sec. of State Office Douchebag Dude: We're working on it. We got the Iraqis killing themselves as fast as we possibly can. We have to make it look legit.

Friends: Who the hell are you buddy?

Karl Rove: He's the new Secretary of State.

Sec. ODD: That's right I took her job.

Condi Rice: Will someone please look at my circle?

Fox News Guy: It's above your waist dumb ass.

Bush: Yes? Did someone call me?

Fox News Guy: No, I was just talking to her.

Bush: You was scamming fur, being Raymond Burr, talking to my chur.

Karl Rove: Look Steve, you run up stairs and get the chaps on sugar booger, and Daddy will be up in a minute.

Fox News Guy: Ok, but remember tonight's safe word is "pelosi."

Bush: Pelosi? She's here too? I'm the president. Not her. She a slur, a Texas cur, a fuzzy blur.

Karl Rove: No, George, she's not here.

Bush: Yes she is. I feel an evil presence.

Michelle Malkin: That would be me sir.
Bush: What you want baby cakes?

Malkin: I want you to speak out against the Mexicans for booing Miss USA at the pagent. They were despicable.

Bush: I might just do that honey bunny. I got the time after all, I did hire me a war czar, so hell yes, I got lots of time now.

War Czars: Hell yes, speak out. Give 'em hell boss.

Friends: Holy shit, is that a baby pouring beer down a red neck's open pie hole?

Karl Rove: That is our new war czar. Show some respect.

Bush: R E S P E C T, find out what this means to me. Sock it to me.

Friends: Is he all right? He looks all crazy googly eyed and shit and he smells like he's been drinking Aqua Velva.

Bush: Make me smell ya, going to Selma.

Karl Rove: He's the president, of course he's fine. Anything the president does is fine and since it's him doing it, it's automatically legal.

Bush: Auto legal, grab a beagle, chug some Chivas Regal.

Jenna Bush: Somebody mention having a drink? Cos' I could totally use one. Maybe two or fif-fucking-teen!! Partayyyyy!

Karl Rove: Condi, get her out of here.

Condi: Yes Daddy. Come on Jenna, let's go and you can tell me whats new.

Bush: What's new, twats two, kiss a Jew.

Friends: (in a whisper) Man he's gone nuts. Maybe we better go.

Bush: Mash a screw, mah balls are blue, I love the needs of the few. scooby dooby doo.

Karl Rove: Maybe you should leave guys. Seriously, there's nothing wrong with him, he's just hungry.

Bush: (sings) I'm hungry like the wolf! Doo doo doo, hungry hiking neuf. Volleyball spiking poof. My name is Rio and I dance up on some jam.

Friends: Nope. He's not hungry, he's gone nuts.

Bush: (still singing) I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, see them all standing in some snow.

Karl Rove: If you promise not to tell anyone about this and you go upsatirs right now, I'll let you play grab ass with Jenna and Condi.

Friends: Deal.

Karl Rove: Come on George, it's nap time honey.

Bush: (yawns) Ok Daddy. I wuv you.

Karl Rove: Sleep tight Georgie. You let me and the rest of the grown ups handle everything.

Bush: (big yawn) But I'm still the president, right?

Karl Rove: Sure Georgie, sure you are.