Here's a message from Rep. Phil Roe

I hate big government, except on payday, then I fucking love it.

I hate government spending, unless it's for things I like, like war and government surveillance.

I want to cut the budget, except for the parts that pay my salary and benefits.

We need to stop spending so much, except on things like war, my salary, my benefits, and cake.

Medicare is broke, because I made a fortune off it when I was practicing medicine.

I hate government run health care and will fight to keep all of you from getting the government run health care that I enjoy.

Social Security is socialism, except when I get it.

I hate activist judges, unless they rule in favor of the stuff I like, like voter suppression, corporate control of our elections, and stopping women from having control over their bodies.

I'm for freedom of religion for all Christians.  And I support the freedom of Muslims, Jews, and other Jesus hating religions to convert to Christianity.

I represent all the people in my district who give me money.

A vote for me is a vote for more gridlock.

More hypocrisy, Republican style

A Congressman, who went to college courtesy of benefits he got from big government, voted to cut Pell grants to low income students. When confronted over it, he told the young woman to shut up her complaints and go join the military.

I guess that's a step up from telling her to fuck off.

They're not kidding

The ATF has decided that anyone who uses marijuana legally is not allowed to own or use a gun.

Crazy huh. People who smoke pot can't use or possess a firearm but these raging asshats can:



Once again common sense has been shot and killed.

Home grown idiot

Meet the Lt. Governor of the state of Tennessee:
He's a pinched faced prudish looking guy isn't he? Of course he is, he's an east Tennessee Republican after all. And he wants to be the next governor of our fine state so he can give Washington the boot from our lives. He still wants all that federal money that pours into our state, he just doesn't want any negro President and Congress led by a woman telling him what to do with it.

He's currently in third place in the race to become his party's nominee. But he may have found his break out issue. In order to solidify his place in the hearts and minds of the Bible thumpers and teabaggers in this state, he's decided that Islam may not be a religion after all, he says it's a cult, and therefore it may not protected under the first amendment.

Now, if he were standing here next to me, which is very doubtful since I don't in real life associate with people as stupid as he is, I'd remind him that his religion, Christianity, started out as a cult and got lucky when it became the dominant religion the world over. I'd also like to remind him that just because his is the dominant religion, it's not the only religion and that freedom of religion extends to all religions, even those you don't follow or agree with.

I throw up in my mouth a little every time I hear him speak, see his smug idiotic face on a billboard, and see a bumpersticker with his name on it. He's a classic bigot who made good at the expense of others and who now wants to deny others the rights he holds dear. When he loses the primary next week, or whenever the hell it is, I'm going to call his office in Nashville, his local office, and the office of his auction business and I'm going to laugh at him for being such a dumb ass and for wasting all that money on his gubernatorial run.

It's idiots like him who give this area a bad name.

And now here's a word from The Cooch

Hey ya'll. It looks like I pissed a bunch of people off when I went and covered up that boob on that chick who's on our state seal. They're saying I'm a right wing Christian prude, a dude who doesn't understand 'classical' art, and that I'm a clueless guy who got lucky by being on the ballot at the right time.

Now I may be a prude and I may be dumb and I may not know much about art but I know the seal of the commonwealth of Virginia is not classical art. I watch Turner CLASSIC Movies, American Movie CLASSICS, and ESPN CLASSIC all the time and I never seen a boob on any of those channels. I've read a CLASSICS Illustrated comic book or two in my day and I never saw any bare boobs in them. So the idea that boobs are classic art is nonsense.

I'll tell you another thing, looking at bare boobs is a gateway drug. It leads to porn worship, pre marital fornication, homosexuality, and liberalism. So I did my religious duty and I covered up that boob to protect the kids of this commonwealth from those things. And our kids need all the help they can get, especially since I'm trying to make sure that health care reform never happens in Virginia. Them kids need to stay strong and not release any of their precious sex fluids outside of man on woman marriage.

And this is just the beginning. I'm going to force all women to cover up all exposed skin pretty soon. It's not a religious thing either, it's a modesty thing. After all, if that chick on the official seal of our commonwealth is covered up, shouldn't all women have to follow her lead? And after I get all woman covered up, I'm going to make it a crime for them to get pregnant outside of man on woman marriage and I'll also make it a crime for them to work outside the home and to go to public school. Just think of all the money we'll save this state if we don't have to pay for the schooling of girls who have all those mysterious 'lady issues' every 28 days.

I'm doing all this because I love the women of this state and I want to see them protected from boob gazing breastfeeding liberal crazies. And I'm doing it because I think Jesus will be my BFF when he finds out about it.

Thanks for your time and remember this Virginia, if you have a problem with what I'm doing, then tell me about it so I can investigate and dig up some dirt on you before I arrest you and have your whiny ass sent to Gitmo.

You're not doing fine Oklahoma. Okay?

Pop quiz time. What building is this:
Give up?
It's the Murrah building in Oklahoma that Tim McVeigh blew up.
You remember Tim McVeigh don't you?
He was the terrorist who was in one of those wacky anti government militias. Him and his Bill Clinton and liberal hating pals blew up that building. It was the worst act of terrorism on American soil up until Bush let us get attacked on 9/11.
You'd think that in Oklahoma of all places they'd shun the militias and their anti government rhetoric. You'd think that they want nothing to do with people who are heavily armed and hopped up on Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, Glenn Beck, and hatred for liberals, blacks, Jews, and anyone who isn't white. Well sport, incredibly enough, you'd be fucking wrong. Click here to read about how some 'lawmakers' in Oklahoma want to cozy up to the militia types. They actually want a state sanctioned anti federal government militia in Oklahoma that will 'defend' their state against the encroaching power of incumbents in Washington DC.

Some folks in Oklahoma are eat up with stupid.

Just a couple of things

• Hey Texas, don't be shocked when the kids who go through your public school system after your curriculum change don't make the cut at out of state colleges, and sorry colleges in Arkansas doesn't count, because of the shoddy education you're giving them. When you leave out huge chunks of history and social studies because you disagree with it, you're only making your kids dumber. But maybe that's what you want. Maybe you want all future Texans to be unquestioning slack jawed yokels who's goal in life is to work at Walmart and inherit their parents trailer. You've made your state's public education system one step above that of people who home school their kids to keep them from mixing with kids who are brown skinned and kids who have religions that don't have the words 'evangelical' or 'pentecostal' in their name.
  
• Special K, Dennis Kucinich, has said he will now vote for health care reform. I'm not surprised. He's a loyal Democratic party guy. He's in the same left wing of that party that I occupy but unlike me, he's actually in Congress. Lots of people are bitching about him voting for it but in my opinion, he's doing it for the right reasons, just like he opposed it and voted against it for the right reasons. The bill is far from perfect, the only thing that will ever satisfy me is universal single payer health care for all that includes dentistry and mental health provisions, but it's the best thing we're going to get right now. We can fix it later, like we've done to the Voting Rights act and other ground breaking legislation.
• Anyone who looks at religious leaders as moral paragons of Christian/Jewish/Hindu/Muslim virtue are idiots. New claims of pedophilia in the Catholic church are surfacing every day and the scandal goes ever higher and yet the top clergy still refuse to take it seriously. Protestant ministers regularly steal, rape kids, and commit all kinds of crimes and they claim that their god told them to do these things. It's a good thing I quit religion before any god told me to stick my dick in a little girl or boy and or steal from the poor so I could live in high style.
• St. Patrick's Day has come and gone and lots of you celebrated by getting shit faced and talking in bad Irish accents. Since my Irish heritage is the only one I claim I'm going to return the favor. On Columbus Day I'm going to go all Tony Soprano on some Indians while I guzzle Chianti and eat spaghetti and talk in a loud annoying Eye-talian accent. And then on whatever day we celebrate Asian cultures I'm going to eat fried rice, swill sake, be super suspicious of black folks, and drive badly. Finally, when Oktoberfest rolls around I'm going to gorge on sausages, drink gallons of strong beer, and get me some lebensraum at any cost. What? You don't like the idea of me engaging in that kind of stereotypical behavior? Ok, then, I'll tell ya what, I'll be nice to your heritage and culture if you do the same for me and mine, otherwise, fuck you. My people built America, we built the roads, the political machines, the railroads, and the farms. We did more than just get drunk, produce Dennis Leary (which I heartily apologize for by the way), and wear green. Crack open a book some time instead of a beer and read about it why don't you.
  

New York city know it all says...

...rich men don't really make much money!

And now you know why most of us absolutely hate most New Yorkers. Yo, Mayor Bloomberg, you and your buddies in big pharma should try living on $12,00o a year then come talk to me about living on a budget. You big fucking fraud you.

Wide Stance and Diaper Boy strike again.

I wonder if Mark Foley will lobby them when they try to get this bill passed.

It's a damn good thing there's not a war going on and that our national economy isn't tanking and that all the our government's regulatory agencies that are supposed to be protecting us citizens are fully staffed and fully funded, because if all that shit was going well then introducing a bill to amend the Constitution just to please some right wing religious hate filled puss bag bigots would be election year pandering that once again shows how hollow Republican "values" are.

And now a word from General Petraus

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How I feel

This video captures how I feel about the rich white people in the US Senate who just betrayed us all by voting to give the Chickenhawk in Chief more spy powers over us. God damn them for caving in and supporting his Constitution shredding law breaking ways.

I bet you forgot how good Graham Parker was didn't you? Well, I'm glad I could help you remember or if you never heard him before, then I'm glad you heard him here first.

Oh really?

I saw an article earlier on Yahoo! that I been dying to write about but then my super shittastic internet went down all day so I haven't been able to write about it until now. I'm not gonna link the article, instead I'm going to quote from it.

The aritcle was about, get this, and make sure your'e sitting down because if you're not then you'll fall over from laughter and then you'll get pissed at me, so sit, how renewable energy is not green and how bad it is going to be for the environment! Imagine that, renewable energy is going to be bad for our planet! Here from the article is it's central point: Building enough wind farms, damming adequate number of rivers and growing sufficient biomass to produce ample kilowatts to make a difference in meeting global energy demands would involve a huge invasion of nature, according to Jesse Ausubel, a researcher at the Rockefeller University in New York.

Wow. Who would have thought that burning all those fossil fuels that are causing our climate to change for the worse was actually so good in comparison to that damn wind, solar, and biomass power!

Stop laughing please, I mean it. Take a deep breath and let's go through this together.

Unless I miss my guess and I don't think I have because I have a degree in history, wasn't Rockefeller University founded by someone named Rockefeller? And wasn't the patriarch of the Rockefeller clan one John D. Rockefeller the late 19th and early 20th century robber baron who made his fortune in oil?

Along those same lines how does Yahoo! make their money? Advertising. Who advertises heavily on Yahoo!? Car manufacturers. Don't car manufacturers want us to keep burning fossil fuels like crazy? Aren't they and the oil companies behind the discrediting of the science behind climate change? Hell yes they are.

So there you have it. A "researcher" at Rockefeller University, a school founded/funded by the family who made it's fortune in oil, says that renewable energy is bad for the planet and Yahoo!, a company that makes millions from auto and truck manufacturers who advertise on their website put that article on the front of their web page which many people use as their homepage, which I must admit I also did until today.

How stupid do they think we are? How much "invaison of nature" do they think something like this would be?

Or this?

I have an idea. My idea is that every city, county, and state mandate that all new buildings, residential and commercial, have some form of electricity producing solar panel built on them. Also every big box retailer, like Wal-Mart, Target, Best Buy, Pet Smart, etc, should retro fit their buildings with energy producing solar panels or they must plant some kind of food producing garden on their roofs and that food must be given away for free to low income people. The energy producing solar panels must also be put on every hospital, church and synagogue, prison, and government building. It's insane that businesses, hospitals, churches, and schools are not already doing this.

Here's another crazy idea for you Jesse, how about instead of building dams that destroy natural habitat and eco systems, we build instead some of these ocean based turbines to generate power? Oh I know you're going to say, "That will kill the little fishies!" Actually, no it won't. We build a mesh curtain in around the turbines so only the very smallest marine organisms will be affected.

Another crazy idea is we put these wind turbines on the tops of the mountains we are currently blowing up so we can strip mine the coal beneath. And we also put them in places where wind blows like crazy, like say in the desolate areas of Oklahoma, which would be pretty much all of Oklahoma.

Then you know what Jesse dude? We could get the US Government to stop the ban on growing hemp. Maybe you did not know that hemp can be made into fuel, food, clothes, and many other products. Or maybe you did and since you work at a university founded and funded by people who made their money in oil you just want to forget that.

One final idea. How about we harness the hotness of Sheila E, Gong Li, Salma Hayek, Scar Jo, and the leads on Weeds and we use that to generate power for ourselves.

Heaven forbid we stop burning gas, coal, oil, and natural gas. Heaven forbid we actually stop listening to people who have been paid by the gas, oil, and automotive industries to write reports that claim renewable energy is not green and is bad for the planet.

Jesse and Yahoo!, you'll both forgive me if I don't believe your lies. You'll forgive me if I don't fall for your fossil fuels burning is good and renewable energy is bad crap. Honestly, are you people bucking for a position in the Bush administration? You both seem to have their backward bizarro thinking down pat.

My Interview With Jim Gilmore

I was thinking about all the Gilmores in the world that I could have interviewed and I thought about the murderer and victim of capital punishment the late Gary Gilmore,
that hot brunette gal from the Gilmore Girls,
NBA great and Afro wearer Artis Gilmore,

that asshole Happy Gilmore,
privacy rights advocate and civil libertarian John Gilmore,
and Texas singer/songwriter legend Jimmy Dale Gilmore.

But which Gilmore did I end up having to interview?

Jug eared former Virginia Governor and current Republican candidate for President, Jim Gilmore. I must have some rotten ass luck or this is another in my series of interviews with the Republican Presidential pack. For a change all answers to my questions are actual quotes from Gilmore himself.

Dr. Monkerstein: When you woke up from your latest drug fueled booze soaked night with a passel of prostitutes in New York city what did you drink the next morning before getting on a plane back home?

Gov. Gilmore: “I'm here to tell you the coffee was hot, the orange juice was cold, New York's still there and Reagan National is back.”

Dr. M: Why is it that you want to throw Mexican immigrants into the ocean?
Gov. Gilmore: "They don't do very well in salt water."

Dr. M: Oooooookay. We hear that you wrote a play about yourself and that you want to produce it on Broadway as a way to get more well known. It's called The Three Faces of Jim. How's that plan looking for you now?

Gov. Gilmore: "I don't think it's promising."

Dr. M: We don't either. You don't strike us as the thespian type. My peeps on the street tell me that you are going to get a divorce from your wife, move in with a man, and then you two will try to get married. Do you think we could meet your soon to be male bride? And please tell us how you think life together will be for you and your man.Gov. Gilmore: "I don't think it's promising."

Dr. M: But you'll do it anyway? What will the people of this nation think? What will your Reich wing base say?

Gov. Gilmore: "Right now, the public doesn't have any ability to comment...."

Dr. M: Uh, yes they do. While this has been oh so much fun for me, I am getting tired of you. You smell of moonshine and flop sweat and if I spend one more minute in your presence I may have to gnaw my arm off for fun. My last question is this, the last time you went to the bathroom did you do number one or number two?

Dr. M: Oh ok. Well then, that's about it for me. I'm out of here have fun being the laughingstock of the Reich wing Republican pack.

Who's really smokin' what here?

I saw an article in yesterday's USA Today about two farmers who are suing the DEA over the right to grow hemp in this country. A DEA spokes tool, a dildo by the name of Garrison Courtney, said, "Hemp is marijuana. There's no distinguishing feature between marijuana and hemp." So the DEA refuses to let anyone grow hemp in the USA. We import every bit of hemp that is used in products that contain hemp. The hemp we import is grown in Canada, Europe, and China.

First of all, the DEA dick is wrong. Industrial hemp has very low levels of THC, that's the stuff in marijuana that gets you high. In fact it has minuscule amounts of THC. Marijuana grown for recreational drug use is cultivated to have high levels of THC. So in reality Mr. DEA Dumbass, there is a distinguishing feature between the two.

Secondly, with all the family farms going belly up in this nation would it not make more sense to let farmers grow hemp than to import it? I got nothing against the fine folks in Canada, Europe, and China but I'd rather see more of this

and way less of these.
Hemp is almost a miracle product for our sick planet and for people everywhere. Here, take a look at what you can make out of hemp:

I wonder how many jobs we would create if we were allowed to grow hemp legally? I wonder how many new businesses we would see pop up if we were allowed to process hemp grown in this country? I wonder how many family farms would stay in business and out of the clutches of industrial corporate hands if we were allowed to grow hemp in this country legally?

How about we do this, let's take our country back from the politicians who have no idea what the fuck they're doing when they tell us we can't grow hemp. Let's dismantle the DEA and end this fiction called the "war on drugs," it's filling our jails needlessly and it's actually having the opposite effect they want it to have. Let's sow the fields with hemp and make rope, paper, personal care products, food, oils, and clothes out of it. And then after all that, let's roll a joint as big around as your arm, smoke it, and then have some good old fashioned pot sex.

How about it America? Are you with me?