Best bumper sticker I've seen in a long long time

Lucky 7

Part seven of my graphic novel is up on the members only blog.

Not a member of that blog you say? Want to read it you say? Well, donate $15 to may PayPal account and you can. Don't like PayPal you say? Then send me a personal check or money order for the suggested donation amount and you'll be in .

New hires

Unlike most companies and blogs, I'm not downsizing, I'm hiring. I recently went on a hiring binge and I'd like to introduce you the newest members of my staff:

This is Dip Litwick, he's in charge of turning all the dials, checking all the gauges, and flipping all metal switches on all my machinery here at Monkey Central.

Ms. Virginia Lee Street is in charge of all strapless and backless gowns.

Bronwynne Von Dutchbagg is now the head of the Disapproval Department. I pay her a low salary which she highly disapproves of.

Harry Bawls is in charge of organ maintenance.

Shecky Lipstein is my new master of equations and obscure formulas.

And finally Delores Darvocet is the new staff nurse here at Chez Monkey.

Give a big hand to all my new hires and do what you can to make them feel welcome!

I'm going to pick a pack of pickled peppers

Two years ago I learned how to make and can jam.

Last year I learned how to can tomatoes and how to make and can salsa and tomato sauce.

This year I'm going to learn how to pickle.

I bought this book today:

It's got clear, easy to read and follow instructions on how to pickle and can properly. It's full of recipes of things to can, pickle, dry, and freeze. I'm ready to begin my journey of food preservation. Bring on the local produce!

It's time to face the music

I can't be a Republican because I don't hate Mexicans, gays, poor people, teachers and other public employees, want endless war, and no taxes on the rich.

I can't be a Democrat because the modern Democratic party is nothing more than GOP lite and it's filled with people who want to keep the endless wars going, want to cut taxes on the rich even further, want to neglect the poor and working classes, want to block universal single payer health care for all, want to compromise on core principles when it's not necessary, want to stop being the party of FDR, and who want to move the party even further to the right of where Clinton and Obama are dragging it.

I can't support any incumbents outside of Bernie Sanders and Dennis Kucinich.

I'm out of party politics, at least when it comes to the two parties that dominate our political landscape. I'm not voting for or supporting in any way that lying warmongering compromising backstabbing asshole Obummer any more, he's proven time and time again that he's not on my side and that he's working to undermine what generations of liberals, progressives, and working people built. I don't not support him because I've become a right wing teabagger, I don't support him because he's no longer a liberal, or a progressive, as if he ever was one in the first place. Clinton moved the Democratic party to the right in order to get elected, Obummer is moving further to the right in order to appease the Republican party who will never ever work with him and who will always hate him no matter how far to the right he moves the party of FDR.

I'm voting Green or socialist or writing in Kucinich/Feingold in 2012. Fuck the Democrats and their leader. And triple fuck the Republicans who have become the party of the John Birch Society and the US Chamber of Commerce.

I've faced the political music and I didn't like any of the tunes they were playing. But holy hell, I fucking love facing this music:

Brunette of the week

Lydia Leonard.

The truth hurts

If your kid ever asks me about mythical people such as Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, a liberal Republican, an honest CEO, or Jesus Christ, I'm gonna tell them truth. I can't help it. I gotta be me.

Light reading of the week

Advertisment of the week

I ran with scissors, I didn't play well with others, and...

...I judged this comic book by it's cover. I judged it to be beautiful so I bought it for a buck. I could care less about the story, I just loved the cover on it's own art nouveau merits. I'll be framing it soon.

Your logics are faulty

I've been remiss in not commenting on some events that have been going on in the world lately, so I'll use this post to catch up on some of that. Ready? Here goes:

• I'm not on board with the bombing of Libya. It's not that I don't agree that Ga-Daffy should be gone, he should, I don't agree with how we're getting rid of him. If you tell me you're going to go after him because he's mistreating his own people and that the mission is therefore humanitarian, then why are we not helping the people of Syria, Saudi Arabia, the women of Egypt, the Palestinians in Gaza, the Catholics in Northern Ireland like we're helping the people of Libya. Obama wants to prove he's got balls and that he's not afraid to attack brown skinned people, so that's what he's doing.
• Newt Gingrich, the man who justifies his affairs by saying he had them because he felt passionately about the USA, chided Obama for not attacking Libya. Then when he did attack Libya, he chided him for doing so. Which is it asshole? Which side of that flip flop are you on Mr. Extra Marital Affair? Why anyone pays the slightest bit of attention to that gas bag is beyond me.
  
• If you're one of the people who doesn't want to help the people of Japan, then fuck you. Stop reading this blog and go blow your brains out. You don't deserve to draw breath on the same planet that I live on you slimy selfish bastard.
• When you cut the salaries of working people, attempt to legislate away their labor unions, and outsource their jobs, you shouldn't be surprised that no one is buying the products or services you're selling. You can make your widgets cheaply in China but you can't expect anyone to buy them if they have no money.
• I never thought I'd live to see the day when teachers, cops, garbage men, and other public employees were made out to be villains for simply asking that the terms of their employment be honored. We have to honor our contracts, why the hell do conservative politicians not want to honor the contracts we have with our public servants? I'd love to see the big business boosters work a garbage route, put out fires, help keep the peace, and or teach a class for a month. If they did then they'd all change their tunes and they'd push for raises for teachers, cops, firemen, and garbage men.
• If your god is so powerful and awesome, why do you not believe that he made gay people? Why do you find the idea that your god made some people gay and some people straight so outlandish? Perhaps it's because your god didn't make them at all because he doesn't exist.
  

That's about all I can stand to say right now, if I go deeper into any of those points my head might explode or I might go postal on the next idiot who tells me that our soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan are fighting for my rights. (They can't fight for my rights in Iraq and Afghanistan because I have no rights over there and neither does any other American, Canadian, or Brit.)

Now I leave you with this artsy edited photo of mine. Even in a world gone mad, one needs to appreciate art when one can.

Thordis?

I used to love this comic when I was a kid, somehow I missed this issue back then. I rectified that oversight today, I bought it today for a $1.50 at my local comic book shop.

Graphic novel reviews

I'm lucky to live in a city that has such a kick ass library with such a kick ass head librarian who's a big comic book nerd like I am and who oddly enough has consented to be my friend. He's been instrumental in getting great graphic novels in the hands of library patrons.

I recently read, no, actually, I devoured this graphic novel that he got in:

It's another piece of dystopian/apocalyptic literature that I have such a fondness for. It's about a hybrid mutant boy with deer antlers who just wants to be left alone so he can go back to the only home he's known but can't because he's part of, or perhaps the cause of, a worldwide epidemic that killed millions of people. His story is a harrowing tale and it's told and artistically rendered brilliantly by Jeff Lemire. His story telling is tight and compelling and his art has a touch of art brut/clunkiness that really lends itself to the story he's telling. I can't wait for the next one in this series.


This is the second of the 'Parker' books that Darwyn Cooke has turned into a graphic novel. And for my money, both of them are super swell.

Richard Stark was the pen name Donald Westlake used when he wanted to write gritty hard boiled crime novels that featured Parker, an anti hero who was a criminal but who was an ethical even if he was an amoral guy. These novels gave Westlake an outlet and a break from writing the humorous crime novels most of us grew to know and love. I freely acknowledge that all the crime novels of Westlake have been a huge influence on me and you can see that influence in my graphic novel Hip Deep, Mountain High.

Cooke boils down the stories and he tells them mainly through wordless panels. When he does write dialog, it's minimal and you only get enough to keep the story moving. If only more writers followed Mr. Cooke's lead (sigh). I love these graphic novels, they're like slinky jazz versions of graphic novels and when I read them I imagine a soundtrack of cool smoky jazz playing in the background as the characters go about their criminal business.

I can't recommend these graphic novels, and my local library, highly enough.

What are you doing these days to scare Juan Williams?

Former NPR news personality and current FOX Noise 'liberal' whipping boy, Juan Williams admitted recently that in addition to being frightened by people in Muslim garb, he's also scared of groups of young black men. Surely that can't be all that's scaring Juan so we took to the streets to find out what others are doing to frighten the easily spooked Mr. Williams. We asked any one who would listen to us, "What are you doing these days to scare Juan Williams?" This is what you told us:

"I got a hair cut. Shorn sheep can be pretty awesomely scary."

"I'm setting a snare for him. He's pretty crafty, but I'll get catch him one of these days. I know I will."

"I'm going 'commando' while I photograph him. I hear he's pretty uptight about vaginas."

"I'm fucking, no, I mean raising sheep, so I really don't have time for all this nonsense. Leave us alone. Stop winking at my sheep and go away."

"We're feeding LSD to baboons in the hopes that one will sneak up on him while it's tripping."

"I'm shooting at him from my bi-plane and when I hit him I'm going to shout, 'I got a hole in Juan!' "

"We're stocking up on canned goods to pelt him with and we're sacrificing white babies to Cthulhu in the hopes that the Ancient One will rise and take us all back to hell with him."

Who loves me in China?

Everybody. That's who. Boo ya!

Urban Homestead Gardens 2011: Our Shining Path to Culinary Freedom

We had a real break in the weather here at Monkey Central and we've taken full advantage of it. It's been sunny and in the low 70's/mid 60's for about a week now and after a longish cold winter we've been out getting things ready for spring and we've (well Sparky mostly has) been getting our urban homestead gardens all set up and ready to grow.

One of the first things we did was put our rain barrels back outside. This is rain barrel number one, it's our third year with barrels and the new one out front should help immensely. We won't have to lug buckets of water around front anymore, yay! We're hoping the fish we put inside all of them will keep down the mosquitoes, but four out of five of the ones up front passed on already. They're only .13 cents each so if we have to buy more, it won't break the bank.

Composter number 2 is out and working. It's about half full of leaves and vegetable matter food scraps.
Composter #1 is composting away. I dug out a good sized chunk of rich black dirt from this composter a few weeks ago and we added it to the soil in the main garden. As you can see, our leaf bin is full of nice wet decaying leaves just waiting to be added to our composters.

Sparky has already begun planting in the former rose garden. She put peas in this past Sunday and she erected her pea trellises too. She also planted some frost tolerant veggies to the right of the peas. She's planted carrots, radishes, lettuce, spinach, and onions. If the cold does come back, and it might, this is spring after all, and kills the lettuce and spinach, it no problem because it's so early we can just replant.

In the main urban homestead garden, as you can see, we did away with most of the raised beds we made last year. We decided to go with a raised mound system for the most part. We'd seen how well it worked in a community garden a few blocks from us so we decided to try it here. We'll plant potatoes, peppers, broccoli, egg plants, some herbs, and more in those mounded rows.
We kept the raised strawberry bed, and as you can tell the strawberries are going gangbusters already. In the other raised bed we kept we have some asparagus growing, this is it's second year, so hopefully next year we can actually harvest some!
Sparky's urban homestead herb garden next to the back of the house looks a little sparse, that chives, sage, and thyme growing in there now, but soon it will be busting forth with rich green basil, tarragon, lemon grass, and more.

This year we decided to give the plants we start inside some assistance so we got a regular florescent shop light to hang over the little pots. It's just a regular shop light with a regular bulb in it and we hung it on the baker's rack we use to start plants on:
We've got two varieties of tomatoes, broccoli, egg plant, and sun flowers started. And after a little over a week of concentrated light on the three trays of seeds, we've already got a slew of growth!
The seeds really respond to the 16 to 18 hours a day of light and they've taken off. Of course planting them in seed starter mixture and keeping them moist helps a bunch too.

More urban homestead updates coming as soon as we get more stuff in the ground!

Please join me and...

...the members of Jilly and the Wonder Sheep
in saying

to winter.

It's officially spring time! Yay!

My James O'Keefe style interview with Sarah Palin

Ms. Palin, do you mind if I call you 'Quitter' Palin instead of Sarah Palin?
"...I agree..."

How do you feel about politicians who get elected to office and who not only serve their entire terms, they also do a good job for the people they serve?
"It's a disturbing trend."

Okay, fair enough. Let's talk about your vagina. It it could talk, what would it say?
"How sad that Washington and the media will never understand...No drought threat down here...Only dead fish go with the flow."

Is your 'Aunt Flow' here with you now? Do you still ride the crimson wave?
"Ohh, good, thank you, yes."

The word on the street is that you people who live in Alaska like to get shit faced and have sex with family members, moose, and any stray Canadian that happens by. Is that true? Do all Alaskans do that?
"Alaska -- we're...unlike other states in the union..."

I understand that, but my question remains, do you people in Alaska get shitfaced and have sex with relatives, animals, and stray Canadians?
"Absolutely..."

What animals have you personally had intercourse with while you lived in Alaska?
"All of 'em, any of 'em that have been in front of me over all these years."

I hear you and Ted Haggard smoked meth together while he gave George W. Bush a hand job. I also know you have photos of this. Where are they?
"I'll try to find you some and I'll bring them to you."

If elected President will you round up all those who disagree with you? Will you put them into camps where they are forced to listen to right wing hate radio for 24 hours a day? And will you see to it they're fed cold oatmeal mixed with feces? Will you do that? Can you do that?
"...I can do whatever I want until the courts tell me I can't."

You have a twisted view of the Bible and Christianity as a whole. Are you secretly a Satan worshiping NASCAR fiend who sups on the blood of unbaptized infants? Do you murder drifters, hobos, homosexuals, atheists, and mentally challenged people for sport and for the glory of your lord Lucifer?
"Absolutely. Yup, yup."

There you have it people, Sarah Palin admitted to having incestuous sex, bestiality, smoking meth with Ted Haggard, and much more. She also admitted she's planning to round up and imprison all those who oppose her. Clearly this woman is unfit to be a candidate for President and unfit to be on TV.

(All of Ms. Palin's responses were actual quotes from her. Sure, they're responses to other questions than the ones I pose but they are her responses nonetheless. I asked, she answered.)

Meet the newest residents here at Monkey Central

We got 15 goldfish today. We put five in our new ran barrel out front, as you can see in the photo above, five went in our rain barrel out back, and five went in to the old hot tub over flow tank under our deck. The hope is that they'll eat all the mosquito larvae through out the warm months and their poop will give our rain barrel water an extra little kick.

Dogs...

...soooooo much more versatile than cats will ever be.

Congress in action!

The Republicans in Congress have decided to cut the taxes of wealthy Americans, businesses, and corporations yet again. They've also decided that most every one else won't have to pay taxes either, with the exception of the following people:

barrel burners,

indigenous aboriginal peoples,

gigolos,

musicians,

and this dude.

So enjoy your tax cuts America, and for those of you get one, get your asses back to work, the country is depending on you.

Share the love, share the sacrifice. America, FUCK YEAH!

Movie review times 2

Steve Coogan plays an obviously gay man who is in denial about his sexuality who was once an actor but now finds himself married and teaching drama at a high school in Arizona. His wife, Catherine Keener, wants a baby, his two main students want big parts in his productions, and most everyone else wants him to go away and leave them alone. When he finds out all the funding for his department is going to be cut and his classes canceled, he goes into high gear and he produces his crowning theatrical achievement, the sequel to Hamlet, Hamlet 2 and then things go haywire from there.

This is a mostly very funny film. If you ever did high school theatre, community theatre, schlocky dinner theatre, or if you ever saw any productions of high school, community, or schlocky dinner theatre, then you'll identify with this film. It's mostly clever and it's only a bit annoying. I really liked it but I can see how and why others wouldn't. I'm a huge fan of Steve Coogan's comedy and he's very good in this film but by the end you just want to strangle him to make him shut up. His character gets annoying and grating, luckily it's balanced by all the other quirky characters in the movie. I loved Amy Poehler, Elizabeth Shue, and Melonie Diaz most of all.

I recommend this one but it may not be for everybody out there.

After catching bit and pieces of this movie I finally got to see it all the way through. Despite what you may have heard, it's funny. And most importantly, it's funny all the way through.

It's a anachronistic romp through the Bronze age/Old Testament time period. Black and Cera play a couple of lovable fuck ups who always find some way to end up on top.

Black can be a little manic and over the top in some of his roles and he's almost that way in this film but he stays just this side of the annoying line in this movie. Cera under plays his character as usual and once again he delivers another funny performance. David Cross as Cain is funny in the movie, as is Oliver Platt, who I usually can't stand. I also liked Olivia Wilde (hubba hubba!), and the gals who played the love interests of Black and Cera, June Diane Raphael and Juno Temple.

Yes, this movie is silly. Yes, the jokes and gags fly as fast as bullets. And yes, I really really liked it.

Please, have a seat

You're welcome

Here's a few words on the situation in Japan from Dr. Donald R. Mitchell

First of all, the earthquake and tsunami in Japan was not karmic payback for anything. There's no such thing as karma. It doesn't say anything about karma in the Bible, so karma doesn't really exist.

Second of all, the earthquake, the subsequent tsunami, and the nuclear problems they're experiencing are Jesus's little way of punishing them for eating all that raw fish, foisting 'Hello Kitty' on us, and for not showing pubic hair and genitals in their filmed pornographic entertainments.

Third, and perhaps most important of all, it's important to remember at times like these we still need to hate gays, push for more tax cuts, and do all we can to keep those damn dirty brown skinned people down, where ever in the world we may find them, be it in our own country or in Iraq. We can't let our Christian compassion stop us from hating gays, taxes, and brown skinned people, even during times like these.

That's all. Now get back to work god damn it.