Kneejerks

First Lady Michelle Obama has joined forces with Dr. Jill Biden to start an organization that is dedicated to helping out military families in need. I'm waiting to see how long it will be till some right wing pundit or politician claims that military families don't need any help from the government.

You're welcome

Here I come to save the day

They're at it again. Those wacky Republicans are making noises about privatizing Social Security once again. They want to do this, and gut Medicare as well, in the name of balancing the budget and saving the two most popular government programs that the Democrats ever invented and passed with little to no Republican or conservative help.
Remember when Bush Jr. said he wanted to make privatizing Social Security in order to save it the centerpiece of his second term? If he had gotten away with it the whole system would have been in shambles after the Wall Street meltdown of 2008. Senior citizens wold have been destitute and all the money people have paid in to the system would be in some Wall Street traders bank account today. Thank heavens he was stopped.

You know what though? There is an easy way to fix the current system and it's so simple that when I tell you how it can be done you'll slap your forehead and say, "God damn, is it really that easy?"

The way to fix the system is simple and it can be done in one fell swoop. We simply begin making everyone pay Social Security tax, Medicare tax as well, and while we're at it Medicaid tax too, on 100 percent of their income and not just the first $90,000 or $100, 000 or whatever absurdly low amount it is now. The way the current system works is if you make $15 million or $150,000 or $35,000 you only pay Social security tax on the first $90,000 or $100k that you make and everything after that you don't pay squat on. So millionaires only pay a small percentage of their income in Social security tax compared to someone making under $100K. If we make everyone pay the tax on 100% of their income the system will be flush with cash in perpetuity. Problem solved.

Of course the rich who will be affected by this will hire lobbyists who will give the lawmakers lots of cash to use in their re-elections so our Congress men and women will of course oppose my idea. They'll say, "The rich need that money to start new businesses which will employ people who will pay into the system! If you make them pay their fair share they'll get mad and stop starting new businesses and they'll stop earning money which will bankrupt the system! We've got to cut their taxes, yeah that's it! We've got to make their tax burden lighter so they'll do more for us." And to them I'd say, "You're fucking nuts. I'm still waiting to see the Bush era tax cuts create one single job. I'm waiting to see if those Bush era tax cuts will rebuild our crumbling schools. And while I'm at it, I'm still waiting to get trickled down on from all those tax cuts St. Ronnie foisted on us."

Make everyone pay Social Security tax on 100% of their income and see if that doesn't fix everything. Try it and if it doesn't work I'll blow Rush Limbaugh on Fox News while Ann Coulter hits my nut sack with a riding crop.

This should clear up a thing or two for some of you

Are you bored this weekend?

Well don't be!

You could

or

Dear President Obama,

It's time you got rid of these two ass rockets:

They are too beholden to big business and they refuse to do the things that need to be done to fix our economy. Moreover sir, they are part of the banking/academic/big business cabal that got us into this mess in the first place.

Fire them immediately and replace them with clear headed people who will have the intestinal fortitude to nationalize AIG, the big banks, and to end the lawless deregulation that got us into the mess we're in now. In fact sir, I'm willing to do my part for my country. Give me a call and I'll step in to either one of those jobs. I promise you sir, I will kick some ass, take names, and I will do what's best for the greatest number of people, and you can bet I'll be public enemy number one on Wall Street and in every corporate boardroom by the time I am done because I am on the side of the working people of this nation and not on the side of the leeches in big business.

I promise you further that I will be fair to all small businesses but big business will get a beat down from me. It has to be done sir and the longer Timmy and Larry are in positions of power and influence the longer it will take for our economy to recover.

Fire the idiots who drove us to this economic cliff and hire me to turn this motherfucker around. You won't be sorry you did it, I promise you that.

Yours,
Dr. Monkey

PS: Give that tall piece of brown sugar you call Mrs. Obama a kiss for me!

This economics stuff ain't so hard

Here's my plan to stimulate the economy, but god knows they won't use it because it's just too common-sensical:

• Keep all the proposed stimulus money out of the hands of banks, financial professionals, and anyone connected with any Wall Street institution. Those bastards put us where we are today so no way in hell should they be allowed to handle one cent of that money.
• Use some of the money to fix every highway and bridge in the country.
• Use some of that money to fix up and update every public school in the country, and that includes all public universities.
• Use part of that money to restore art, music, and gym classes to every K through 12 public school in the country.
• Use part of that money to do energy audits on every federal, state, and local governmental building in the country. And then if changes are needed to make those building energy efficient then use more of the money to makes the changes needed.
• Use part of that money to purchase solar energy systems that will be mounted on every federal, state, and local governmental building in the country.
• Use part of that money to purchase solar energy systems that will be mounted on every retail building, church, and non profit in the country.
• Use part of that money to start industrial hemp farms all across the country. If we grew less corn and more hemp it would benefit our economy and our health because there would be less corn to make High Fructose Corn syrup with.
• Use part of that money to fund local neighborhood farms and farmers markets.
• Use part of the money to re-open factories that were closed when companies moved their manufacturing to China and other places.

Most everything I have listed could be done easily and would benefit the country in the short and the long run. If we used the bulk of the money to fix our crumbling infrastructure and to wean ourselves from using coal and oil then it's a win win for all of us, well except for big oil and big coal but who cares about them anyway, they've been fucking us for years and it's about time we fucked them back.

Everything in the above list can be done with American workers and can't be outsourced. It would put millions of people to work and hundreds of new companies would spring in to business to help accomplish all those things.

If we give stimulus money to Haliburton and Blackwater we are screwed. If we let big business handle things during this tricky time we are screwed. If we let Mitch McConell and Bob Corker get their hands on this money we are screwed. Same goes for Diane Feinstein and any other Republican wanna be.

Jokes you can tell to little kids

With the big holidays on the way some of you may be spending time with small children whom you normally wouldn't associate with or hang out around. In an effort to keep you from feeling stumped for things to say to the little tykes, I'm bringing back my highly successful and much beloved series of jokes you can tell to little kids. Here's the first one:

Thanks, I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip Santa Claus and his elves on your way out after the show. And try the Tofurky, I swear it's delicious.

What to do with that leftover turkey

This list may be a few days late but feel free to copy it and use it later. Here's what you can do with that leftover turkey:

1. Grind it up and snort it.
2. Freeze it and make Turkey Pops.
3. Use it in poultices.
4. Bury it in the backyard and never speak of it again.
5. Make a nice warm hat out of it.
6. Mail it to someone you love.
7. Drive it to Walla Walla, Washington.
8. Breathe life into it and call it Mimi.
9. Take it out and just stare at it.
10. Buy it some nice shoes.
11. Caress it.
12. Enroll it in parochial school.
13. Slap the ol' Vulcan mind meld on it and see what's on it's mind.
14. Use it in your meat sculpture.
15. Get it stoned and then set it free.
16. Indulge in a Turkey-tini.
17. Tell it the good news about Jesus Christ.
18. Dress it up and pretend it's your child.
19. Unionize it.
20. Read a novel to it.
21. Sing arias in it's general vicinity.
22. Make good luck charms out of it.
23. Tattoo it.
24. Teach it a foreign language.
25. Introduce it to a Tofurkey.

Career suggestions for Rep. Michelle Bachman (R) MN

This line of work as been good to Katherine Harris since she got her ass kicked in the Florida Senate race in 2006, so I guess Michelle "Bat Shit Crazy" Bachman would do well at it too.

I'm all about helping former Republican Congress people find work, that's just how I roll yo.

House selling tips

We seen quite a few houses in our quest to find a suitable new Monkey Central and I've gathered up enough information to help all you people out there in blog land sell your house faster:

1. Don't try to save a few bucks and sell your house yourself. Hire a realtor. They don't get paid until you sell so it's no skin off your wallet. If you lived where I lived I'd tell you to hire my realtor because she's such a kick ass gal but since most of you live elsewhere find your own realtor.
2. If you insist on staying around your house while it's being shown to total strangers don't wear a pair of shorts that allows said total strangers to see your sweaty flabby hairy man ass. And don't wear a tank top that allows your back hair, back fat, and bacne to escape and run free. Seriously, if you MUST be an idiot and follow people who are looking at your house around then do yourself a favor and shower and put on some nice clothes.
3. If you don't want to wash those few dishes in your sink then at least rinse them off so we don't see that you feed your kids Cocoa Puffs and American cheese food for an after school snack.
4. It's fine with me if you love Jesus and all his surrogates like James Dobson and Pat Robertson and Benny Hinn, but you may not want to leave their books laying around on all your coffee tables so that people can see you like to read fairy tales by hate mongers. And just between you and me, I'd take down a few of those pictures of Jesus tongue kissing people and humping the UN building because those things are kind of gross. It's fine if you believe all that stuff but you need to realize that everyone else doesn't and it makes them not want to buy your house.
5. Decorate less. I know you love to show off the shit you've bought and collected through the years, the sea shell mirrors, the frilly lampshades, the soda pop bottles that were heated up and stretched out at the local carnival, but honestly, it's not about you when you're trying to sell your house, it's about the other people imagining how all the stuff they bought and collected over the years will look in your house if and when they buy it.
6. If you've kept pets in the house then clean up after them. No one wants to smell your dog's shit or your cat's piss scent. If they did then they would get down on all fours and stick their nose up Fido's ass and inhale like crazy or they'd head straight for your cat's litter box when they came by to see you.
7. You don't need to full court press clean your house but you do need to pick up your kids toys and straighten up a little.
8. Don't expet to get the full asking price on your house. Build a little wiggle room in the asking price so that people think they're getting a deal when they haggle with you.

Follow those simple rules and suggestions and you're sure to sell your place in a reasonable amount of time.