A Tale of Two Speeches

Memorial Day weekend 2007

Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States: My fellow Amuricans, I come before you on this Memorial Day weekend to tell you that we are making progress in Eye-rack. The terrorists are on the run and our mens and wimmen are kicking some serious Islamic boo-tay.

Aww, shoot. I cain't do it anymore. I just can't lie like this anymore. Amurica, the truth is I messed up over there. I really put my foot in it and it's going to hell in a hand basket. They's no two ways about it, it's bad. People are dying like a black comic at a KKK Konvention. And the sad thing is Amurica, more folks are gonna die before we get all that oil out from under them Moos-lims. But make no mistake Amurica, my resolve is strong and my will shall be done and we will prevail, or my name is not George W Bush.

In order to rectify the bad situation I have decided to make the following changes.

First of all I have dumped Condi Rice as Sec. of State. She was ineffective and no one respected her. I have replaced her with this guy:

His name is Office Douchebag Dude. Get a look at that hat America, anyone who wears a hat like that commands respect and will be listened to. Welcome aboard Office Douchebag Dude, I know you're gonna be a great addition to Team Bush.

Next I have decided to fire that guy I named as War Czar. He was shifty eyed and he smelled funny. In his place I am naming Beer Pouring Baby and Drunk Red Neck Dad Guy to be War Czar.

If anybody knows how to run a war, it's these two. Plus, that baby is awesomely funny. Heh heh heh.

Military intelligence has been a problem for many years now. Them guys just cain't get it right, or as my bud Larry The Cable Guy says, they just can't "Git 'er done." So they're fired too. From now on I will get all my intelligence from Magic Eight Ball.

Magic Eight Ball should I attack Iran?

Ask again later.

Okay, I will. The next change I am making Amurica is I am sending in to Iraq a crack team of assassins to eliminate the leaders of the insurgency. I spared no expense, I hired the best to get this sensitive job done. That's right Amurica, I hired the Osmond family.

Just look at them Mormon killers. Scary, ain't they? Hell yes they are. Now just to show ya'll that I have not forgotten about Afghanistan, I have hired a team of assassins to kill the Taliban leaders. Now since I spent so much on the Osmonds I could only afford the Glickmans from Miami Beach, but trust me Amurica, they're stone cold killers too.

I put Dick Cheney in charge of these two teams of killers and he assures me they will be ready to go in a matter of days.

He also assures me that he is not dead, has not been reanimated by Satan, and he will not raise an army of zombies from Hell to take over the US of A if given the chance.

But just in case he does try something fishy, I have hired one of the Indigo Girls to keep an eye on him.

So as you can see Amurica, I have heard your cries for change and I have acted on them. With all these changes in place you should see a positive change pretty damn soon. Good night and God bless Amurica, and only Amurica god damn it. Amen.

Memorial Day weekend 2009

Hello my fellow Americans. I have ended all hostilities in Iraq and Afghanistan. The troops are coming home immediately and I have apologized to the people of Iraq and Afghanistan for the hell that ass Bush put them through. Everyone from Blackwater, Halliburton, and all the other companies over there that were sucking on the government teat have been imprisoned and will be tried in the World Court for war crimes, just like the men who let them rape Iraq and Afghanistan, Bush and Cheney. Furthermore, arrest warrants have been issued for all the political pundits who were cheerleaders for the war. The politicians who misled this nation in the run up to the war, the media who did not challenge them, and all shareholders of companies that participated in the rape of Iraq and Afghanistan will be arrested and tried as well.

I have instructed my Vice President

to close every loophole in the tax system that multi national corporations use to avoid paying taxes. He is also in charge of setting up our new free of charge health insurance for all program. He will be prosecuting all people who made money off the old corrupt system.

We will be cutting the Pentagon budget by 75 percent. The money we save will be used to educate economiclly disadvantaged young people.

Finally America, I have signed into law the 'It's The Weekend So Let's Party Act of 2009.' Everyone will get the adult beverage of their choice, a designated driver, and a few bucks for dinner out, so go out and have some fun on me America, after the hell we went through under BushCheney, you deserve it.