A brief history of Western Civilization hubris

Way back many many years ago, about 475 or so years ago, this guy figured out a way to map the whole world. His name was Mercator. This is one of the maps he made:
Because he knew so much about maps and geography, he speculated, in a book that the poles, both north and south, had to be surrounded by warm seas and that there was a wonderland full of exotic flora and fauna to be found at the poles. One had to only cross the ice and snow that preceded the warm polar seas to get access to these wondrous places.

People figured that because he was a white European guy who wrote that stuff in a book that it was of course true. Many many many people died as a result of Mercator's claims. Most of them froze to death, some got eaten by polar bears, and others died in other horrible ways. It took many many many years and many many many failed expeditions to finally prove to some people that Mercator knew how to make maps but that he did not know shit about the north and south poles.

A couple of hundred years later someone in Europe, most likely a con man, started to spread a story that he had been to a fabulous place called Timbuktu in Africa. He claimed that streets of Timbuktu were paved with gold and that the houses were covered in gold as well. He said the all the men of Timbuktu were learned sages who spent their days learning and lecturing. He said Timbuktu was a paradise of a city and that everyone who wanted to be rich and smart should flock there as soon as possible.

And many many many people believed this guy. Newspapers and magazines out did themselves in making up more stories about how wonderful and great Timbuktu was. Books were written by others who claimed to have been there and they said oh how great, oh how wonderful Timbuktu was. And people believed all of it because no one had been there.

So many an expedition was launched in the late 1700's and early 1800's to find this great city. And many a person and many many many camels and other animals died searching for the great city of Timbuktu. All these people and animals died of exposure to the sun, of thirst, or at the hands of desert tribesman.

Finally one day someone made it to Timbuktu and this is what they found:

A dry dusty dirty city in the middle of nowhere in the desert. No gold paved streets were found, no wise and learned sages were found, and the houses and buildings did not have gold covering them. Instead they were made out of mud, like this one:


So just like all those people who died searching for those warm polar seas, all the people who died searching for the great city of Timbuktu died because someone lied and had made up a story that sounded kind of nice.

Now flash forward to today.
These guys made up a story that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction and was a danger to the USA and to white Christian people everywhere. They said that Saddam and Al Qaeda were working hand in glove to destroy us and that wouldn't it be great if we used all the weapons that we had built in the past few years to destroy those Muslim terrorists? They said the war might last six months at most and that it wouldn't cost us much and that we'd all be hap-hap-happy once we toppled Saddam and that we'd be safe once and for all.

Then many many many people died as a result of their story. And they did this type of shit to people who opposed them:
Then they denied doing it. They said that no one in command knew what was going on in that prison over there. And then they told the guy investigating it to back the fuck off his investigation.

So they kept the war going and going and they made life hell for the people in Iraq and Afghanistan and when we asked them to please stop it and to please act like men and women who have morals and a sense of right and wrong, they did this:

They continued their war of terror on Iraq and Afghanistan. They said they had to go on with the war in order to find the weapons of mass destruction (the one that were never there in the first place) and because if they did not then the terrorists would come back to the USA and fight us here because they hate us so much.

"I love you man."

"I love you too."

So while these two sucked each others tongues, people like this continued to suffer and pay the price for the war: If it weren't true it'd almost, and let me stress almost, almost be funny.

Since I hate to end this post in such a down beat way, here's a picture of Stirling Gallacher, last week's brunette o' the week.


And one of Salma Hayek for good measure.

And for the ladies, one of me.

Oh Cap'n, My Cap'n

I'm sending out a big heapin' helpin' of thanks to my liege and my pirate leader Cap'n Dyke today. She was the only blogger to write about the corporate shenanigans that Bill Moyers also talked about on his show the other night. I'm right there with ya Cap'n, lets keel haul all the greedy bastards that don't die when we blow their ships apart with the big ass cannons aboard your ship. I'm volunteering to jump over on the smoldering wreckage of their corporate greed buckets with a knife in my teeth, round up the rich white pigs, and bring them back aboard your/our ship Cap'n.

If any of you have not heard about the latest outrages committed by corporations against us then let me give you a crash course in what the sneaky fucks have been up to:

Remember when all the airlines went into bankruptcy following 9/11? They said they had to because they lost so much money when they could not fly for those few days and they lost so much business because the public was skittish about flying. Well, not too long after that they sought like hell to get wage and benefit cuts from their employees. The unions caved because they did not want their members to lose their jobs, the bankruptcy courts said, "Sure, cut their pay and benefits if you need to." Well, by gosh and by golly, the airlines did it. They cut pilots, stewardess and stewards pay, as well as the pay and benefits of the mechanics. But who did not take a pay cut during those times? Who actually got richer as a result of those cuts? The CEO's of the airlines. And now that most all of them have come out of bankruptcy, the CEO's are getting huge bonuses and huge amounts of stock, stocks that are soaring in price because the airlines are out of bankruptcy by the way. Some of them are also getting free medical and dental insurance for life even if they leave the company. What about those workers who gave them big wage and benefit concessions? They are getting dick, diddly squat, nada, zip, not a god damned thing. Oh wait, they get to keep their jobs, which are worth way less than they were years ago. Nice deal huh?

The CEO's of Halliburton, Kellog Brown and Root, Blackwater USA, Northrup Grummond, McDonald Douglass, and other corporations love the war of terror on Iraq and Afghanistan. They get no bid contracts and make obscene amounts of money off the killing of innocent people, oh sorry about that Paul Harvey, I know you hate it when people call them innocent people, but fuck you old man, they are innocent people, and off the deaths of our men and women in uniform. Everyday we spend in that disastrous war over there is another day that those pigs make money off us. That's right, us, remember this my fellow Americans, that $100 per load of laundry that we pay Halliburton, the money to buy those trucks they blow up instead of fixing, the money they pay to 5 star hotels to house visiting 'dignitaries' like Joe 'Backstabbin' Lieberman and John 'Walkin' in Baghdad' McCain, all comes from you and me, the taxpayers. We get to pay to make the world less safe, make the rich fucks richer, and to stay in a war that most of this country hates and wants out of. Nice deal huh?

This puss bag of a human being, and we hang our heads in shame when he tells anyone he is from our state, said the other day that if he gets elected President that he will take steps to make this country great again. Guess what his first step is? He says that corporations are hamstrung by high taxes and he wants to make sure they get cut. Holy shit, what kind of bizzaro world is he living in? Fred, listen up, corporations are not paying too much in taxes nor are they paying too many taxes. They DO NOT PAY ENOUGH TAXES. We need to stop coddling the corporations like we coddle, well, corporations. It must be all his years as a corporate lobbyist coming back to him. That's right boys and girls, when he was not the laziest Senator Tennessee ever saw, and when he was not "acting" on TV shows and in movies, he was a CORPORATE LOBBYIST, and he dorked a few blonde chicks with huge boobs when he was not helping companies make even more money at our expense. And he wants to be our next President. Nice deal huh?

Hey America, who was our last President that came from a corporate background? I'm blanking on his name but I remember what he looks like:

Yep. That's him. How's that corporate connection going for ya now America? If I'm not mistaken, then he's just been doing to the country what his buddies in the corporate world have been doing to us all along. And you remember his buddies don't you America? No? Let me remind you of a couple:

Kenny Boy Lay, this prick nearly was our country's Sec. of Energy. Now he's dead and so are the 401k's of almost everybody who worked for him.

White Collar Criminal McCrimestein, this Enron asshole practically had a fucking key to the Lincoln bedroom. Now the only thing key he's got is the one to his chastity belt and his cell mate just might take it from him.

So it's no wonder I'm with the Cap'n. And I'm just waiting to hear the order to overthrow the greedy pigs. Until then Cap'n, I'll keep me powder dry and me blade as sharp as sharp can be. Arrrrgh.

That's it...

... it's much better with no teeth!!!

Even little European kids know what to say to Bush

George W. Bush's Review of the Democratic Party Debate

We managed to somehow get President Bush to take some time out of his busy schedule to watch the Democratic Party Debate last night for us. Here with out any edits are his remarks: I wish I hadn't told Dr. Monkey I'd watch this dang thing fer him. I'd rather be slamming some beers or something down with Jenna. But a promise is a promise.

Hey what's that?

It's the remote.

Dang, they forgot to take it away from me, like they usually do.

They know I'll keep a flipping if they leave this thing with me.

No, I gotta stay strong. Dr. Monkey is counting on me.
Ok, here they go, they're getting ready to start.

Let's see who's hosting this sheebang. Oh shit, it's Wolf Blitzer.

He scares me, what with his beard and all.

Screw you Monkey, I'm seeing what else is on.

Heck no, I ain't watching Murder She Writed. That's Daddy's favorite show but I hate it. I'm glad to see ol' Mary Poppins is still gettin' work tho. She's not gonna need any Social Security, so take that you liberals!

Ohhh, I love Captain America. But I seen this one a miz-illion times.

Awesome! Dawson's Creek is back. I'll have to remember to tell Jenna and The Other One our favorite show is back on.

Dang, check out Lifetime! They got them a show about Tom Jones on. Man, Tom is a good looking dude. He's packing some heat too. I bet he gives off a virile musky scent like me.
If I ever get close enough to him I'm gonna sniff him.

How about that? Monica's on E! I see why ol' Bubba tapped that now, she ain't half bad.

Cindy who I wonder. Maybe it's that little girl from that Dr. Suess cartoon, Cindy Lou Who.

Awesome! The new Girl's Gone Wild DVD is out. I pray Jenna and The Other One aren't in it.

What kind of show is this on Cartoon Network? A show about wimmens periods? Ewww, them things look dangerous. I'm glad I don't have them things.


Why did I turn it back to Lifetime? Holy crap look at that chest. What a pelt that man has. And strong arms too. I bet he'd cradle me in those things and whisper....
Uhh, I better turn it.


I love that Crunky ad! Man, I could use some Crunky now. I'm kind of hungry. Crunky would hit the spot now. And so would some pork rinds. Mmmmmmm, pork rinds.
Hey I bet that big ass pig that that kid shot has a buch of pork rinds inside it. I'd eat all them pork rinds now and some Happy Strawberry Crunky too.

I'd wash it down with that stuff too. Sheee-it, I loves me some Imitation Grape Soda. None of that real shit for me, I'm an 'imitation guy' all the way.

Crap. It's pledge week on PBS again. How many more times can I watch that Irish dude from Branson sing? They ain't gettin' any of my money. Dang ol' gay liberals.

Sweet!!! The new Golden Girls Gone Wild DVD is out. I hope Mom ain't shaking her nay nays in this one too. That was scary but strangely arousing watching her do that.

No Tom!!! Don't listen to her! She's no good for you. I'm the only man for you. I'll even wear the bikini for you Tom. Tommmmmmmmmm................
Uh, I better turn it.


What's this on SCI FI? A monster movie?
Watch out Timmy-san! Theys a monster next to you.
Where's Lassie when you need him?


Dang, monster trucks on Spike TV. Monster trucks rule. Watch out Mountain Dew can, nothing can stop the power of MONSTER TRUCKS!
Oh poop, it's going off.

I wonder what's on there next?

Cool! Dogs playing poker!

And yet I can't stop going back to Lifetime.

Okay, now your just scaring me with them googly eyes Tom.

I think I'll just take a nap now.

Dr. Monkey will never know if I watched the debates or not. He's just a dumb ass monkey after all.

Paul's peter 3

The White House keeps doing what it does best, keeping it's unqualified, amoral, unfeeling, and unabashedly idiotic appointees in office. Despite all calls for his removal the White House keeps insisting that Paul "I Didn't Do Nothin' Wrong and If You Say I Did, Then You Are a Terrorist" Wolfowitz will hang on to his job as head of the World Bank.

From the AP:
"We've made clear that we support Paul Wolfowitz," White House spokesman Tony Snow told reporters. "Furthermore, he has said -- and we agree -- that certainly a lot of mistakes were made in the personnel process. But it's not a firing offense," he added.

Thus spake Tony.



Then Condi chimed in from Moscow, where she had been sent to convince the Russians that the "missile defense" system we want to shove into Europe is not meant to threaten them at all, no sir, and how dare you insinuate such a thing, in fact you must be a terrorist for even thinking such a thing:



U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice echoed the White House's comments, which came a day after a World Bank committee said he had violated ethics rules in the promotion and pay rise for his companion Shaha Riza, a Middle East expert.
"It seems to me that what happened there, as he said, he made some mistakes but it doesn't seem to be the kind of thing that you would want to see the dismissal of a World Bank president over," Rice told reporters in Moscow.



It's obvious to us that La Condi, seen here being the filling in a reverse Oreo, is even more out of

touch than we previously thought. Condi hon, if you don't want to see a World Bank President dismissed over causing a paralyzing controversy that is causing the world community to lose what little faith they had in the rule breakin', conflict of interest havin', warmongerin' Wolfie in the first place, then what do you want to see him dismissed over? Murder? (Well, he is killing time there after all.) Rape? (Well, he is giving us all a good fucking over yet again.) Or would it take him actually doing some good for the poor and disadvantaged people of the world to get you pissed off enough to call for his firing?

Condi, Tony, and Georgie, listen up. Wolfie has got to go. So does Gonzo. And Dickie. And while you're at it, the American people expect your resignations as well.

An Open Letter to the President, or Georgie can you hear me?

Mr. President,

I know we have had our differences in the past. I never voted for you and I actively worked for your defeat in 2004. I despise most everything you done while in office from trampling on the Constitution, to invading Iraq so your pals at the oil companies can have a secure source of oil, to your laughable attempts to improve our nation's schools with your "No Child Left Behind" mumbo jumbo, to your shoving the unpatriotic Patriot Act down our throats, to politicizing the Justice Department and the GSA, to your ineffectual response to Katrina and most every other natural disaster that did not take place in Florida, to your weak enforcement of the civil rights laws in this country, to, oh well the list goes on.

But now that your term draws to a close, and thank sweet sweet Jeebus for that, there is still time left for you to actually do some good for us here in the USA. To show you how we much we here at Monkey Muck HQ are willing to help, we humbly offer this list of things that you can do to help the large segment of Americans that your policies have hurt for so many years:

• End the war now. You did what you set out to do in Iraq. You proved that you had bigger balls than your daddy by invading and overthrowing Saddam. You put a "democracy" in place. We'll give you that, what we'll also give you some leeway when you say that you "won" the war over there. We promise not too laugh to hard when you say that, we promise.



• Stop spending so much on the military industrial complex and the federal prison industrial complex reinvest that money in scholarships for poor and working class kids, a national health care system, and in rebuilding our crumbling national infrastructure.


• Eliminate taxes on people making less than $25,000 a year and couples making less than $50,000 a year and then raise taxes on every one making over $100,000 year.



• Close every loophole that the greedy multinational corporations use to avoid paying their fair share of taxes.



• Stop the persecution of our fellow Americans, you know who we mean, the Americans from Central and South America, who want to come and work and live in this country.



• Stop persecuting gays and lesbians. Homosexuality is not a crime so stop letting your party and their henchmen demonize our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters. It's not fair that only one lesbian, Mary Cheney, gets all the protection in this country. The freedoms and protections that you and Dick give to her must be given to all other lesbian and gay people.



• Break the ever increasing multinational corporate control over the lives of Americans. The precedent for you to do this is already in place, I refer you to the "trust busting" that Teddy Roosevelt, a Republican, did in the early part of the 20th century.



• Finally, stop trying to take the freedom of choice from the women of this country.

If you do these things we ask then we promise to stop using pictures like this of you when we post here in the future:

Please listen to us Mr. President, listen to the American people for once in your life. Listen to me, and listen to this guy:

And to this woman:

And if that does not move you then listen to the cries from children like these:

Sincerely,

Steven Denton, blogging as Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein

President Idiot disses his old spook head

From Raw Story:

The White House has rejected assertions made by former head of the CIA George Tenet, whose forthcoming book heavily criticizes members of the Bush administration.
"A senior White House counselor on Friday dismissed former CIA Director's George Tenet portrait of a Bush administration that rushed to war in Iraq without serious debate," reports the Associated Press.
The counselor, Dan Bartlett, said per the AP, "The president did wrestle with those very serious questions."
Bartlett, the AP article continues, referred to Tenet as a "true patriot" but he "suggested he might have been unaware of the breadth of the prewar debate that led Bush to dismiss other options, such as diplomatic means," for dealing with Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein.
"This president weighed all the various proposals, weighed all the various consequences before he did make a decision," said Bartlett.
Tenet earlier lashed out at the Bush administration in an interview broadcast on CBS' 60 Minutes, accusing it of distorting his pre-Iraq War claim that the existence of weapons of mass destruction was a "slam dunk."


Next thing you know they will deny that Tenet was even CIA chief when bush jr occupied the White House. They'll say that anyone who says he was CIA chief is a damn dirty Al Qaeda lover who should be in Gitmo.

It's sad, so fucking sad what those bastards have done to our country.