And now here's a word from our new evil overlord

Greetings you round eyed white devils! I am Hsu-Wang the evil Chinese genius who owns all your debt. That's right, I'm the guy who lent you all that cash you didn't have that you used to start those wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, and all the other wars that are coming soon.

How did I get so rich that I could bankroll all your idiotic wars? Well, believe it or not, there's a shit ton of money to be made in penis creams and extensions. And I also sold Avon and Amway shit door to door, so there you go.

I'm sure you're asking yourself what did I do with the rest of my ill gotten gains? Well, I used some of that money on self improvement. For instance, I used part of it to pay for evil genius school. That's me in the center of my graduating class. We grads of Super Happy Joyful Radiant Evil Genius Academy are a handsome bunch, are we not?

In order to be even more evil to your right wing religious nut jobs, I also used my money to get gay married. Here I am with my husband Lon-Dong.
One day we'll adopt an American baby, just to piss you off even more.

So anyhoo, somethings come up and I need my money back, plus interest. See, the Russians are selling off their moon base and I'm wanting to buy it something fierce. I plan to use it to further my evil genius plan for universal domination and as you can imagine, moon bases don't come cheap. So cough up all that cash I loaned you...NOW. To show you I mean business, I hired the baddest ass hired killers I could find. That's right bitches, I hired the Mormon Tabernacle choir.
Trust me, these Mormons will fuck you up. So when we come to your house to collect, you better pay up to avoid getting hurt. And don't even think about pulling the shades down or closing the blinds and acting like you're not home. That shit is just insulting. And if you do try it, I'll sic my boys the Lipshitz brothers on you:
They just got done shooting season five of the Chinese version of The Office, so they're pretty pissed already.

Don't kid yourselves America, after I get my money, I'm still gonna own your fat asses. And to keep you in line, I've got my best gal ready to rule you with an iron fist on my behalf:
What? You thought she shot to the top all by herself? Fuck that noise. She's my Manchurian candidate baby, and don't you forget it.

Bonk

Everybody's bonking.

A picture perfect metaphor for how corporations screw us over

It's here!

My graphic novel Hip Deep, Mountain High is finally complete and it's available on CD ROM!

You can order a copy by clicking here. If you don't have a PayPal account, I'll be glad to take a check (drawn on US banks only) or a money order. If you want a copy and don't have a PayPal account drop me an email at monkeymuckATgmailDOTcom and we'll get you squared away.
If you're on Facebook you can also 'Like' the Hip Deep, Mountain High fan page.

Get yours today! (And I'm looking at you comic book and graphic novel lovers, it's time to support an independent artist and writer rather than the corporate machine.)

Transsexuals, they're everyhwere

I laughed out loud when I saw this front plate on a car in a local parking lot.

Art in Asheville

We went to supper over in Asheville, NC with some good friends the other night. After we gorged on Indian food we walked around downtown and I snapped these photos of murals and paintings.

Well done Empire state!

Marriage equality moves forward, despite the Christians and the haters.

Big chicken and I...

...want to wish all those who were born on this day a very happy birthday.

The little talked about after effects of marriage equality

Once the institution of marriage is 'all gayed up' the following things are bound to happen:

Children will be forced to spray their living space to keep from catching 'Christian cooties.'

Ironic protests will break out.

Gay scientists will keep searching for a cure for HIV/AIDS.

Ironic exercising will break out in school gyms all over America.

Christian children will be forced to marry undocumented Mexican lesbians and icy blonde Canadians.

How do women at a rave feel about the Afghanistan troop drawdown?

"We're not still in Afghanistan? Are we? Really? We are?"

"You know, I bet if we brought all those troops home, I bet they'd want to stare at my tits. My parents must be bursting with pride right about now."

"Obama is the most totally awesome President ever. I hope he keeps bringing troops home so they can stare at that other girl's tits."

"Our brave men and women need to stay in Afghanistan until the women of Afghanistan can dress and rave like we do here in the USA! Freedom! 9/11!"

Six Feet Under-An Appreciation

I don't like death. I know it's inevitable and that everything that lives will one day die, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I don't like funerals. I've been to too many in my life and I'll have to go to more before I'm done. I went to my sister Linda's funeral when I was 8, my mom's funeral when I was 10, my dad's memorial service when I was 17, and I had to arrange my sister Sandy's funeral 7 years ago. I hate the smell of most floral arrangements because they remind me of funeral homes, funerals, and dead bodies. I hate the smell of embalmed bodies and the way people who've been embalmed look.

So, then, why the fuck do I love a TV show about a family that runs a funeral home?
My first run in with this show was back when I was still selling tools, supplies, and equipment for wheel and under car and truck service. I was out of town one or two nights a week every week and the motels I'd stay in usually had HBO and one night I caught part of an episode of Six Feet Under and I hated it. I remember thinking, "Who the fuck had the bright idea to make a show about a funeral home?" I quickly turned the channel and never regretted it.

Flash forward to a few weeks ago when I was in Big Lots. I was perusing their selection of discounted DVDs and I spotted some big multi packs of DVDs. I checked them out and there in bundles were seasons 1 through 4 of Six Feet Under for six bucks each. In the years between when I had seen part of the episode of Six Feet and now I had read good things about the show and how passionate fans of it were. So I decided to give it a try and I bought season one.

Sparky and I watched the first few episodes of the show that night, it turned out the DVDs were from a former Hollywood Video store, and we were hooked. The show was well written, well acted, and addictive. We decided that night that we'd go back the next day to see if they had any of the other seasons left. And lo and behold they had season 2 in stock for six bucks when we went back the next day. We watched two and three episodes a night and we quickly burned through those first two seasons. Season 3 we bought from a local corporate bookstore for $20 some bucks. Season 5 we bought from the big used book and DVD superstore in Knoxville on our way back from Nashville a week or so ago but we couldn't watch it until we had season 4, which we had to order from the website of the local corporate bookstore. The we went on a binge and watch we watched them all in sequence.

While the show is about a fucked up family who runs a funeral home, it's really about so much more. It's about life, death, sex, mental health, family, drugs, drink, homophobia, tolerance, blacks, Hispanics, whites, aging, sexual and cultural mores of gays, blacks, whites, Hispanics, and much more.

The reason I loved this show so much is the characters. They are real 3 dimensional people. No one is a stereotype or a stock TV show character. The Hispanic characters are just as deep and interesting as the white ones. The gays aren't limp wristed screaming pansies and neither are they put upon liberal idealized versions of what someone thinks gays are. The best thing about all the characters is they are real. They're shown in depth, warts and all. We go through their highs and their lows with them. They all face trials and have triumphs and it's all very real and at times, it's all very surreal, especially when the dead people interact with the living.

Another thing I love about this show is that it didn't always do what you expect. People died when you didn't expect them to, they didn't always do the 'right thing,' and they didn't always learn from their mistakes. So in that regard the show was kind of like life itself, it was messy, dramatic, funny, challenging, and always interesting.

My favorite character in the show as Ruth, the matriarch of the Fisher clan. She went through so many changes and had so much to deal with it was almost exhausting. She was played superbly by Frances Conroy. I also loved Rico and Vanessa, Claire, Maya, George, Nate, David, Keith, Sarah, Lisa, Maggie, Ruth's other suitors, and Nathaniel Fisher (played to perfection by Richard Jenkins).

The Chenowith family characters became my least favorites as the series wore on. I love Rachel Griffiths and Johanna Cassidy but their characters in this show were so self absorbed and narcissistic that they grated on me, especially in the last season. I really hated the character of Russell, Claire's art school boyfriend, I wanted to punch his mopey face before I ran him off. All in all though, I willingly put up with these characters because the others were so good.

I can't recommend this show highly enough. My only regret is I didn't buy the first four seasons for six bucks apiece when I first had the chance that day in Big Lots. I don't regret spending the time or the money to get and watch all of them because I know that Sparky and I will watch them all over again, and when we do, we'll appreciate new things about the series and we'll notice stuff we missed the first time around.

Much work to be done

Gaze at this stump while I finish my graphic novel Hip Deep, Mountain High and I fix one of our down spout drainage problems. Trenchant political analysis and snarky pop culture posts will be back soon, I promise. In the mean time, I've got work to do.

Save your breath

I mean it. Save your breath if you're going to come here and tell me I need to get back on the Obama bandwagon because it's not going to happen. I'm not going to vote for him, blog for him, or support him in any way. IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

"But Monkey! Think of what will happen if the Republicans take the White House!" Really? You're going to use scare tactics on me? Okay then, first off, a Republican already sits in the White House. Obama has caved on everything and he's moved to the right to appease the Republicans who will never ever agree to anything he wants. So what happens is they move further to the right and he moves along with them hoping they'll agree to work on something with him, which they won't so they move further to the right and he moves...well you get the idea.

Obama has refused to stand firm on closing Gitmo, ending the war, and in fact he's widened the wars and his latest indignity is he's violating the War Powers Act in Libya so he can appear big and manly and strong in front of the Republicans who will hate him no matter what he does. Obama caved on health care, he had the votes for single payer but was too much of a wuss to stand and fight. He caved on tax cuts for the rich and he'll cave and let the right wing carve up Medicare and starve off Social Security. I have no faith in him whatsoever. He will not do the right thing by the people, he'll do what the big money donors and the corporate powers want him to do.
So knowing that's my position, don't bother telling me I should support this fraud of a Democrat. He's a dangerous as Bush was and he's going to get worse. And you know what? He'll probably have me investigated for writing this piece against him.

And for the record, I'm not voting for any Republican or for Ron Paul. I'm voting for a true progressive, and I'll let you know who that is when I find them.

Implements of the week

Waste of the week

The happiest man in Al Qaeda

One can't help but notice how fast guys who held the number 2 position in Al Qaeda get killed. It seems like one gets mowed down almost every day. So you gotta figure that Al-Zawari has got to be tickled pink with his promotion to the top of Al Qaeda. He's added at least 10 to 12 years to his life.

Insert wiener joke here

Weiner's gone and Vitter stays.

It makes sense.

After all the Republicans are the party of family values and Vitter is a Christian while Weiner is a Jew. As the bumper sticker says, 'Christians aren't perfect, they're just forgiven.' And Jews, well, they're going to hell because they don't accept Jesus and they flash their dicks on Twitter.

Somewhere Newt Gingrich's mistress is quietly amused by all of this bullshit. Me, I'm sick of it.

This is why I can't support Obama anymore

What I've been reading lately

I just finished this:
Yes, it's slightly different than the film adaption, but taken on their own terms, both are very good. I suppose if I had read the book first I might have been outraged over the few changes they made in adapting this book in to the film they came up with but honestly, I can't get worked up about it. The book tells the story of Will and Marcus slightly differently than the film does but at the heart of it all it's still a story of a womanizing bachelor who is forced into befriending a teenage boy who is a social misfit. I recommend both the film and the novel.

I had the worst science teachers in high school and the dullest ones ever in college. They took what has become an endlessly fascinating area of knowledge and turned it into something to hate and despise. None of them had an ounce of joy or humor in their teaching styles. So it's no wonder I felt, until recently, that I hated science. However thanks to the National Geographic channel, the Science Channel, the International History channel, and PBS, I now love science. I have come to hate my old teachers even more because I've found out how interesting all the areas of science are thanks to those channels and thanks to this highly readable and engrossing book by Bill Bryson. Thanks to Mr. Bryson's engaging and witty style I have finally come to understand things about the universe, physics, astrophysics, geology that I had thought I would never grasp. Much of what Bryson covers in this outstanding book was covered in classes I had in the past, the biggest difference here is Bryson makes it all interesting and not drudgery. If oyu want to understand the big ideas in science and want to learn about our fascinating planet, galaxy, and universe, then you must read this book. The blurb on the cover is correct, this book is destined to be a classic in science writing.


I picked this massive book, it's almost 700 pages long, up at my local library and I nearly finished half of it before I grew tired of it. Most of what I read was interesting and some of it was gripping. But ultimately I grew tired of Mr. Jensen's prose, it's full of foreshadowing and for some reason he feels compelled to use everyone's full names most every time he mentions a character. I may go back and finish this novel about the lives of the inhabitants of the seafaring village of Marstel, Denmark one of these days, but with so many other books to read out there, I probably won't. However, that doesn't mean you shouldn't give it a whirl if you're interested. It really is a massive book that tells a sweeping tale, well, many sweeping tales.

Damn it...

...it looks as if Lee Greenwood's hairpiece is touring again.

A lesson in free speech

There was a KKK get together near here recently, I hesitate to call it a rally since so few KKK people showed up for it. They got together and shouted their same old tired bullshit, they love and are proud of their white heritage and blacks are inferior to whites blah blah blah. It's the same old shit with fewer and fewer people out in support of their sad hateful views.

Of course once word spread that the Klan was coming more word went out for the inevitable counter KKK protest. And of course more counter protesters showed up than KKK supporters did. And of course they shouted the Klan down like they always do. At this point it's all become kabuki theatre, all ritual and no substance. The KKK puffs out their chest and says, "At least we got to call spades spades and show how great we whites is." And the counter protesters puff out their many chests and say, "We stood firm against hate and the small minds of the KKK."

And then someone always says, "Why do we let the Klan have a demonstration anyways? They're a hate group, shouldn't they kept from taking to the streets to spread their message?" At this point is where I always pipe up and remind people that we should let the Klan take to the streets to spread their message. We should let Westboro Baptist and other homophobic Christians take to the streets to spread their hateful version of the gospel. We should let fundamentalist Muslims, Jews, Christians, Santeria, and whoever else wants to have a go take to the streets, the airwaves, to the internet, to billboards, to whatever to spread their message. Because if we don't and we start to tell people who can and who can't speak in public then we all lose our free speech. I hate most everything that the people on right wing hate talk radio say but they've got a right to say it. If we take away the right of the American Nazi party or the Delaware Free Love League to speak then where does it stop? Free speech means even people you disagree with get to speak. It doesn't mean you have to listen to them, or that you have to argue with them. It also doesn't mean that you have to invite them into you home, your business, onto your blog or your Facebook page to spread their hateful speech. The deal is, they get to say shit but you don't have to listen and you can actively ignore them and or mock them.

I want teabaggers to demonstrate. I want the KKK to hold rallies. I want the Nazi party to speak out. I want the labor unions to march and to strike. I want social justice organizations to hold street fairs and have marches. I want Greenpeace and PETA to hit the bricks and the airwaves. I want everyone of all political and social stripe to have their say. I'm not going to listen to all of it and most likely, I'm going to ignore a lot of what is said because I disagree with it. But I'm not about to tell someone they can't say something because I disagree with it.

Pssssst....

I'm pretty sure that dish of banana pudding was calling your name.

Fuck you Tracy Morgan

No, seriously, fuck you, you fucking homophobe asshole.

Did you think everyone in Tennessee is a homophobe like you? Is that why you thought you'd go off on your little anti gay rant in Nashville? You thought that maybe since we all used to hate blacks that we're over that and now we hate all gays?

Newsflash for you you asshole: Not all of us hated blacks, although in your case we're more than willing to make an exception. And most of us don't hate gays, despite what our idiotic legislature would have you believe.

If you'd stab your son if he told you he was gay then you need help you sick fuck you. You must really hate homosexuals and yourself too to say something like that. And don't try to pass this rant of yours off as, "Oh I was trying to be funny." Because we all know you weren't. For some reason you let your mask slip and when it did your real hateful homophobic face and views showed up.

Homosexuality isn't a choice you creep, it never has been. But if it is, then heterosexuality must be a choice too, so tell me Tracy, when did you choose to be straight? Huh? When? Oh that's right, you didn't make that choice, you were born that way.

Telling gay kids they meed to quit whining and take some punishment because they're gay is just fucking sick. It's never okay for kids of any stripe to be bullied. But if gay kids need to shut up and take some punishment then so should black kids when they get bullied and called things like 'nigger' or 'coon.' What? You don't like that? Black kids shouldn't have to suffer that in school and on playgrounds? Well asshole, the same thing applies to gay kids.

And you can take your non apology apology and stick it up your fat black ass. You never apologized for what you said or for your homophobia in general, you apologized if you hurt any one's feelings. Get your stupid ass to rehab you piece of shit. Or maybe you want to be the black Dennis Miller. Maybe you want to be the black court jester for the gay hating right wing. They'd love to have a 'catch' like to to 'prove' they're not racist. "Oh look, Tracy Morgan hates gays and thinks they should be bullied and discriminated against, so it's all good!" Yeah, that suits you, you gutless punk.

Stay the fuck out of Tennessee with your homophobic bullshit. Stay up in NYC and do that little act up there and see what happens.

Better yet, just slink off into the sunset you unfunny asshole. We don't need your kind of scum in the USA anymore.

The current Republican Presidential field is:

That's right they're all toast. And here's why:

• Newt's top level staff left him yesterday, en mass. That's never a good thing. He's also got that nasty ethics thing from years back to defend, his infidelities, and all those crazy statements he's made through out the years, they'll be back to haunt him.
• Santorum, Bachmann, and Quitter Palin will all split the extreme right wing religious vote, thus ensuring that the extreme right wing religious vote will mean nothing in the up coming primaries and caucuses.
• Mittens is a serial flip flopper. His hedge fund henchman buddies may love him but his flip flops will cost him. Plus he's a Mormon.
  
• Ron Paul is too libertarian and crotchety.
  
• Herman Cain can't keep his story straight and he's a one trick pony in a field of also rans.
• Gary Johnson is unknown outside of New Mexico and the office of NORML.
• Jon Huntsman will never survive his objections to ethanol subsidies and the fact that he worked in the Obama administration.
• Pawlenty will bore many to death before he bows out before Super Tuesday. He'll hang out and beg who ever get the nomination to make him the choice for Vice President.

Obama is vulnerable, especially because he chooses to piss all over his base, but against this field of candidates, he's going to be reelected.

Did you just cut the cheese?

Danish women ask Sarah Palin some 'gotcha questions'

"What time is it where you are at Miss Sarah Palin?"

"Do you know where Denmark is Sarah Palin?"

"Why do you want me to get on your big ugly bus Sarah Palin? Do you want to perform medical experiments on me?"

"Where does the sun go at night?"

"When are your fifteen minutes of fame going to be up?"

Random photos of my one day trip to Nashville last week

I drove Sparky out to Nashville last week, she had a work related meeting. While she was in her meeting, I walked around downtown and snapped some photos.
I love this red chicken.

This hydrant reminded me of a heart.

This place is a legendary Nashville shop. It's been in many a film, most prominently in Coal Miner's Daughter, and I actually went in and bought a CD while there. They have an awesome selection of classic country. I was torn between Buck Owens, Merle Haggard, Porter Wagoner, Emmy Lou Harris, but I ended up buying a super great Steve Earle CD.

The little doggie in the window isn't for sale.

I felt for this homeless guy. It was near 100 degrees, humid as hell, and the cicadas were rampant.