Thursday, June 30, 2011

And now here's a word from our new evil overlord

Greetings you round eyed white devils! I am Hsu-Wang the evil Chinese genius who owns all your debt. That's right, I'm the guy who lent you all that cash you didn't have that you used to start those wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, and all the other wars that are coming soon.

How did I get so rich that I could bankroll all your idiotic wars? Well, believe it or not, there's a shit ton of money to be made in penis creams and extensions. And I also sold Avon and Amway shit door to door, so there you go.

I'm sure you're asking yourself what did I do with the rest of my ill gotten gains? Well, I used some of that money on self improvement. For instance, I used part of it to pay for evil genius school. That's me in the center of my graduating class. We grads of Super Happy Joyful Radiant Evil Genius Academy are a handsome bunch, are we not?

In order to be even more evil to your right wing religious nut jobs, I also used my money to get gay married. Here I am with my husband Lon-Dong.
One day we'll adopt an American baby, just to piss you off even more.

So anyhoo, somethings come up and I need my money back, plus interest. See, the Russians are selling off their moon base and I'm wanting to buy it something fierce. I plan to use it to further my evil genius plan for universal domination and as you can imagine, moon bases don't come cheap. So cough up all that cash I loaned you...NOW. To show you I mean business, I hired the baddest ass hired killers I could find. That's right bitches, I hired the Mormon Tabernacle choir.
Trust me, these Mormons will fuck you up. So when we come to your house to collect, you better pay up to avoid getting hurt. And don't even think about pulling the shades down or closing the blinds and acting like you're not home. That shit is just insulting. And if you do try it, I'll sic my boys the Lipshitz brothers on you:
They just got done shooting season five of the Chinese version of The Office, so they're pretty pissed already.

Don't kid yourselves America, after I get my money, I'm still gonna own your fat asses. And to keep you in line, I've got my best gal ready to rule you with an iron fist on my behalf:
What? You thought she shot to the top all by herself? Fuck that noise. She's my Manchurian candidate baby, and don't you forget it.

3 comments:

kirby said...

Makes about as much sense as any other explanation for Bachman's presidential bid.

I prefer to believe Stephanie Miller's scenario, though. The de-gayifying Marcus Bachman pushing his clearly not insane wife to run for president like some crazed pageant dad on Toddlers and Tiaras.

Jim said...

Commies!
LOL

PENolan said...

Brilliant!