Too true

Fez tip to Missy for sending me this great sign!

Barn photo of the week

It looks like you're stuck with me for a little longer

Thankfully it was an uneventful trip to the cardiologist yesterday. He found nothing to be concerned about and it looks like my heart will continue to beat for a bit longer.

It was a nice drive down to Knoxville, the sun was shining and the red buds were in full bloom, which is a change from what we usually have to drive through, sheets of rain and driving wind. Since my appointment was later in the afternoon I didn't have to sit in the waiting room and listen to the coven of receptionists who wear scrubs even though they are not nurses be rude to everyone, especially the older patients who are hard of hearing.

I got to see Dr. Hoadley finally about 40 minutes after they took me back and after a pair of nurses asked me all the usual questions and they gave me the usual EKG. My doctor and I had our usual conversation when he came in:

Doctor H: Hi. Are you smoking again?

Me: No. I haven't smoked a cigarette since the night of my heart attack.

Doctor H: Good. Now you need to lose some weight you fat bastard.

Me: Okay. (He starts to unbutton my shirt.) Umm, Doc, I usually make a guy buy me something to eat before I let him take off my clothes.

Doctor H: Haha, very funny. Are you sure you're not smoking?

Me: Of course I'm sure.

Doctor H: (As he uses his stethoscope on my bare chest.) Okay then. Oh yeah, this weight losing thing, get on it Mr. Fatty McButter Belly. And stay off those cigarettes.

Me: (As I button up my shirt.) Will do.

Doctor H: I'll see you in a year and make sure you pay us before you drop dead or something.

Fin.

Actually, I kid, my cardiologist is a nice guy. We get along well and I trust him with my life, after all he did save my life the first night I met him. And since I don't have to see him as much as I used to, I don't mind going to his office in Knoxville as much as I used to. Oh, I still despise the coven of receptionists who wear scrubs even though they aren't nurses but they're a small price to have to pay to see a top notch cardiology guy.

After I finished with my appointment Sparky and I went and had a super duper late lunch/early supper at one of our favorite restaurants in Knoxville, The Sunspot on the strip near the University of Tennessee. After not eating much all day long I was ready to chow down and I had a chicken breast sandwich that was almost as big as my head, some salty as hell fries, and several glasses of sweet tea. I'm not sure what Sparky ate because I was too busy strapping on my own feed bag.

After our meal we went to two of my favorite places in Knoxville, Disc Exchange and Book Eddy.

Disc Exchange sells new and used CD's, DVD's and other entertainment related shit and we picked up three used CD's while there. We got a Replacements CD, an EP on CD by Southern Culture on the Skids, and we scored a used She and Him CD. If you're not familiar with She and Him, they are a musical group that consists of the actress Zooey Deschanel and some guy who plays guitar. Her singing sounds like a cross between Julie London and Patsy Cline, with a dash of natural sweetness thrown in, it very lovely and highly addictive. I now see why Samurai Frog has been on their band wagon for so long now.

To say Book Eddy is a used book store is to say that a used Rolls Royce is just a used car. Book Eddy sells used books yes, but the used books it sells are a cut above, although there are great deals to be found when you go through their stacks. They are also respectful of books at Book Eddy, they don't stick sticky gooey price tags all over the front of their books, they write the price, in pencil, on the first page of the book as as not to devalue the book by defacing the cover. They also carry, in addition to thousands of cool old books, some vintage magazines, record albums, and shelf after shelf of pulp sci fi, mystery, and suspense paperbacks from the 1940's on up through the '70's. I could spend days in that place just looking at all the great pulp covers. I was lucky enough this trip to find some books in the bargain bin such as these two:

I found a few more and I paid a little over three bucks for all of them, woo hoo! Sparky bought some books as well so all in all it was a good excursion. We got new to us music and kick ass used books, could geeks like us ask for more? I don't think so.

It's a good thing I only have to see my cardiologist once a year now because if I went much more than that I'd end up spending far too much time and money in the Disc Exchange and Book Eddy.

It's off to the cardiologist for me today

And I hope it goes a little something like this:

The Fast Show was brilliant!

Apparently Aqua Net hair spray was as abundant as God in Marie's life

The more I look at her picture, the more I think 'she' is really a he.

Monkey Movie Review

This is possibly the most disturbingly maddeningly brilliant film I have ever seen:

I'll have to see it again because I'm sure there were lots of things I missed or didn't get on first viewing and I'll probably end up buying it eventually. Yeah, I liked it that much.

Oh don't get me wrong though, it's not for everybody. If Being John Malkovich was too 'out there' for you, or if you didn't like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and if The Science of Sleep left you flummoxed then Synecdoche New York is not a film you need to be watching. But if you like challenging films, films with a waaaaaay off beat sense of humor, and films that make an impression on you days after seeing them, then by all means watch this film.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman turns in his usual good work in this film, as does Catherine Keener, Michelle Williams, and Diane Weist. But the real stand outs are Hope Davis, Tom Noonan as the non actor hired to play Phillip Seymour Hoffman's character in the play and Samantha Morton as Hoffman's on and off love interest. After her small but winning cameo in this film I'm almost ready to forgive Jennifer Jason Leigh for making Georgia, almost but not quite. I still hate that movie.

The two funniest things in this film to me were Mabel's smouldering house and Hoffman's daughter's death bed scene. I'm getting cracked up just thinking about them now as I write this.

I'm ready to go ahead and name Charlie Kaufman a national treasure for writing and directing this film. He's got to be the single most creative screenwriter working in film today and based on his direction of this movie, he may be getting ready to give Terry Gilliam and Michel Gondry a run for their title of most creative film directors working today.

I can't believe how much I love this film. It's wonderfully strange and strangely wonderful.

You haven't posted all day long Monkey, what the heck have you been up to?

Well, Nosy Parker, if you must know, I've been chasing lizards and nailing the ones I caught to the outside wall next to our keen blue bird bath. And I cut off part of the drain pipe and put on a new elbow so the rain water will drain into our new rain barrel.

And I mowed the lawn as well.

Now, lazy bones, what the hell have you been doing all day? Reading blogs?

Hungry?

Then grab yourself a big ol' heaping spoonfull of:
Ahhhh, who doesn't love Bagoong Monamon?

Un film de Monkey

This just in...

...Sarah Palin claims there was an unprecedented level of media involvement in the media's reporting on last year's election. And she charges that media involvement with the media continues to this day. Please stay tuned to this blog for any and all further developments in this story.

My evening with Al

I and about 1500 others spent a few stolen moments with former Vice President Al Gore last night. He was the featured speaker for the 27th annual John P. Lamb Jr. Memorial Public Health Lecture, and no, I have no idea who the hell John P. Lamb Jr. was. Since this event is sponsored by the ETSU college of public health the theme of the lecture was 'Health Threats and the Climate Crisis.'

After the dean of the school of public health acknowledged about half the people in the crowd for one thing or another he introduced some skinny nervous girl who introduced Al. The girl proceeded to walk stiffly to the podium and she stiffly read her 3 x 5 card that had all her intro information on it. After welcoming us she then said that the former Vice President needed no introduction, and then the poor thing proceeded to give him one anyway. (Note to future introducers, if you say someone one needs no introduction, don't fecking give them one!) Finally she said those magic words, "Ladies and gentlemen, former Vice President Al Gore!"

We, of course, gave him a standing ovation and he drank it up graciously. Al looks good these days. He's lost all that inconvenient weight and he's sporting a decent hair cut for a change. He exudes confidence and intelligence. And the man knows how to get a crowd hooked. He started his lecture off by telling a few self deprecating stories about his life right after having the 2000 election stolen from him and honestly, he doesn't appear to be a bit bitter about it. The reason I think that is, is because he is doing and has done for the past 8 years far more important work than being President ever could be. He knows his legacy will be far more positive and lasting than that of the lying murdering thieving son of a bitch who stole the election from him in 2000. I'll go to my grave regretting voting for Ralph Nader and not Gore in the 2000 election. I'm sorry Al, I hope you forgive me.

Gore's talk was exactly as billed, it was about the public health threats we face due to the man made climate crisis we are facing. He spoke at length, though not at too much of a length, about the various problems that are cropping up as our planet heats up. You're familiar with the usual ones like deaths due to heat waves, droughts, flooding, and the like. But then he got into some of the other things that we're going to face such as increased malaria and other insect borne diseases. He pointed out that four factors prevent the spread of some insect and germ related diseases and those factors are: colder winters, colder nights, stable temps, and a food system that is rich in bio diversity. Then he added that as the temperatures rise all those four factors will be impacted negatively, for instance cities in Africa that were built above the mosquito lines are now seeing infestations of mosquito's and doctors in Canada who never saw any tick related diseases are now being inundated with them. People like that idiot Congress woman Michelle Bachman (R MN) and her intellectual twin in the US Senate James Inhofe (R OK) can say that the climate crisis is not happening or that man is not causing it but the facts, especially those pointed out by Gore in last night's lecture, prove them wrong.

He ended last night's talk with a plea to all of us to do our parts to end the climate crisis and to do something to convince our elected leaders to get off their asses, my words not his, and do something positive to end the this mess we're in. And because I'm such a nice guy, I decided to heed his words, so I'll be badgering the idiots who claim to represent me in Washington DC. And I'm offering you this list of things you can do to help end the climate crisis:

• Use compact fluorescent light bulbs in your homes.
• Use public transportation, a bike, or walk instead of driving your car or truck.
• Plant something. Ideally a tree but even flowers and other plants help.
• Plant a garden and don't use any pesticides, herbicides, or fungicides in it.
• Stop eating so many products that contain High Fructose Corn Syrup. Corn farming in this country is killing not only farm land and the rivers and oceans with all the petro chemicals used in it, it's making us fatter as a nation. Read food and drink labels and stop ingesting so much HFCS.
• Stop shopping at places that refuse to join the battle against climate change. The single biggest opponent to fighting the man made climate crisis is corporate America. Stop assisting them by giving them your dollars. Shop locally owned businesses instead.

All in all it was a very informative lecture and I'm glad I went.

Thank goodness it's so peaceful and quiet

Holy crap! I spoke too soon!

Don't hate me because I'm handsome and smart

Hate me because I'm going to see Al Gore live tonight and you're not. Oh and on April 7th, I'll be going to see and possibly meet Amy Goodman of Democracy Now!, so there you go.

Hey look everybody, Brian Mulroney is waving at you!

Take that Splotchy!

Won't you help a young woman make her dream come true?

This knock out is Nora O'Sullivan. She's Bub's daughter and she wants to be Fangoria magazine's Spooksmodel of the year. She's in a contest to win that title and she needs your help. Click here, scroll down until you see her picture, and then vote for her. She's up against some stiff competition so every vote helps and every vote puts her dream a little closer to becoming reality. Go on, vote. It'll make her father, who is a police detective by the way, very happy and you'll get to make a cute young woman very happy as well. And who among you doesn't like making cute young women happy?

They still don't get it

Why all the fuss over whether Wall Street loves Obama's plans for the economy? It should be obvious to all but the most dim witted conservative troglodyte that what Wall Street wants and likes is not good for you and me. When stocks go up on news about layoffs then there is something seriously wrong with the whole financial system. When it's investors who are the only ones getting ahead financially in this country then something is seriously wrong. When the people who work hard and play by the rigged rules set up by Wall Street and the corporate shills in our government in Washington DC can't buy a house or send their kids to college on what they make then there is something seriously wrong with financial system in this country.


Work should be rewarded, not parasitic investment.

We had a great opportunity during this financial melt down to blow up the rotten crooked system that's failed us for so many years now. But it looks like we're going to let it pass by us and we're going to let the same Wall Street and Federal Reserve crooks and greedy corporate weasels keep on plundering us yet again because we're afraid to tame big business. Oh well, maybe everything they're trying now will backfire and we'll get the economic revolution this country so desperately needs.

Barn photo of the week

Oh science, how I love thee

I had some of the shittiest science teachers ever minted in my academic career. My high school science teachers were more more interested in finding time to grab a smoke (Mr. Matlock) and or making sure their toupee was on straight (Mr. Roop). Then when I went to college I fell into a bottomless pit of boredom, jumbled explanations, and idiotic meanderings known as Dr. Burke's 'Jock Physics' class, it was supposed to be a science course for non science people like me but holy hell the class stank and I hated the professor, so I dropped his class. Then I landed in a biology class that was taught by the world's most boring man, Dr. Owens. I made a 'D' first semester in his class and I got a nice big fat 'F' in the second semester. I kind of wanted to like science but with all those bad teachers, they made it almost impossible to do so.


Thankfully as I got older I started reading about things on my own and I started watching science shows and documentaries on TV. And I got hooked on some of Simon Winchester's books, especially the ones about Krakatoa, the San Francisco earthquake, and the one about the guy who made the geological map of Britain. The last one especially moved me because it disproved much of the timeline of Biblical creation and therefore threw into doubt everything in the Christian Bible. So finally starting in my late 30's/early 40's I started to love science again.

And in my new found love of science are two TV shows that make me love science more and more each time I see them and those TV shows are:

Oh man, these shows are the best things ever. They teach you all about geology, plate tectonics, astrophysics, the vastness of the universe, black holes, and a bunch of other stuff you heard about but never took the time to learn about. If you have kids, or you know kids who are remotely interested in science then buy them these DVD's or record them on your DVR if you have one. Then watch them with those kids and when they ask why the shows are different from the stories the Bible teaches, tell them it's because science is truth and Bible stories are metaphors.

Mmmm, science. How I love you.

In praise of comedy genius

I'll admit it, for years I thought there were no female comedy geniuses. Yes, Gilda Radner was funny and so was Jane Curtain but they weren't geniuses in my opinion. But like they say, wisdom, and more intelligence comes with age, and I can now see that there are many female comedy geniuses. And the one I'm singling out for praise in this post is Jennifer Saunders.Most Americans became familiar with Ms. Saunders work through the reruns of her first big hit Absolutely Fabulous. But she actually came to prominence first through the seminal comedy series The Young Ones. As I've written before The Young Ones was not a particularly great show, nor was it even particularly good, but what it was was a huge launching pad for actors and writers that are still around and doing great work today, people such as Robbie Coltrane, Dawn French, Ben Elton, Lenny Henry, and Jennifer Saunders, among many others. Jennifer was on a couple of episodes of The Young Ones, she was most notably in the episode where Rick gives a party and he takes a tampon out of her purse and tries smoke it because he thinks it's a joint. Trust me, if you haven't seen it, it's one of the highlights of the series. So a generation of kids who were lucky enough to watch MTV back when it didn't suck got to see Ms. Saunders first American TV appearance. Saunders would go on to marry and have a few children with one of the stars of The Young Ones, Adrian Edmonson.

She also appeared in and co wrote a series in the mid '80's called Girls on Top. It also starred and was co written by the woman who would become her comedy partner Dawn French. Tracy Ullman was in it as well, as was Ruby Wax, who incidentally is the female equivalent to nails running down a chalk board to me. This show had its brief moments and once again French and Saunders were the best things about it. I saw all the episodes of it a few years back and I'm still trying to forget how bad Ruby Wax was in this show. It's not a series you need to seek out but if you like the odd and perverse, then by all means go for it.

Saunders finally her her big break through with Absolutely Fabulous in 1992. And it's in this series that her genius starts to shine. I used to think it was a little over the top for me but upon many re-watchings of it, it's actually quite good. Yes, Saunders gave herself and Joanna Lumley most of the best lines and the funniest bits, after all she did write it as a vehicle for herself so it's to be expected, but she also gave her other co-stars enough material for them to shine brightly along with her. Jane Horrocks as Bubble her personal assistant and June Whitfield as her addled mother really stand out. And if you watch the series closely you'll see that most of the co-stars jokes come at the expense of Ms. Saunders character, which is nice considering she could have let her ego run wild and not let them make jokes that make her look bad. If you've ever worked onstage with someone who refuses to make a self deprecating joke about them self, then you'll appreciate what Ms. Saunders did all the more.

During the Ab Fab years and beyond them as well, Saunders and Dawn French made many a comedy special for BBC TV and they're available in this country on DVD. Most of them are hit and miss, mostly miss in my opinion because they're more than a bit self indulgent. I've seen them all and this one is by far the best of the lot:

Lately she's been in the Shrek movies and she's done a couple of new series. One of them is airing on either Sundance or IFC now and it's called The Life and Times of Vivienne Vyle. It's pretty much, meh, nothing special, but her other series is a comic gem of a show about life in rural England. It's called Clatterford, and before any of you leave me a comment telling me I'm wrong about the title, I know it's known as Jam and Jerusalem over in the UK. We saw it and fell in love with it on BBC America and I bought the first series DVD for Sparky this past Christmas. It's a slice of life comedy about the folks who live in a small town, I know it doesn't sound like much but there is a whole lot going on that makes this show worthwhile and worth watching. What's especially good about it is that even though she wrote it, Saunders is a minor character in it. And the character she plays is one that mocks her public 'Jennifer Saunders rich actress/TV personality' image. This series also does something that you will never ever see an American TV comedy show do, it features female characters who are well into their middle age years. And it not only features them, it celebrates them.

And that once again shows the genius of Jennifer Saunders. She is using her position as a woman who 'made it' in the male dominated world of comedy to help out other women who might be considered too old for other shows. That's her being generous again. She could stop working and rest on her laurels but oh no, she's still writing, still acting, still making folks laugh, and still helping other women in the comedy world.

I'm not crazy about everything she's done but I am crazy about her as a comedy writer and a comic actor. She's had her hits, and her misses, but by and large, Jennifer Saunders is a comedy genius.

Shel Sliverstein's nightmare?

The sidewalk doesn't end, part of it is just closed.

Let's check in with the happiest Christian family in town!

Hi everybody! It's the Thompson's here. We assembled the whole gang to talk to you, Momma B, Brenda Junior, Lil' Red, and Jimmy Kyle. And of course you all know me, I'm the head of this crazy clan, I'm Pop-Pop Enos.

First up, we just want to say we're super psyched to be on Dr. Monkey's blog. Why just a few days ago we didn't even know what a blog was and now here we are on one. It's amazing I tell ya, it's not quite as amazing as what my lovely wife Momma B does with a TV dinner but it's pretty damn close.

Second of all we want to remind you that Easter is coming so you should all pray really hard that all those Muslims and Jews and Mormons and Presbyterians repent really quick and that they find Jesus.

Hey Pop-Pop...

Yes Lil' Red? What is it?

I found Jesus.

I know son. We all found him.

Yeah, but I found him in my sock drawer. Hahahahaha.

Son, you're going to hell for that. You know damn well that Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor. Ok, now, if the joker is done, then I'd like to go on. Third we'd like to remind everybody that the charges against Brenda Junior have not been proven beyond a reasonable doubt, so technically she's innocent. And anyways, she said that the nice man from the group home assured her he'd marry her if it turns out she's pregnant. Honey, didn't you have something you wanted to add?

Ummm, maybe there was something I wanted to say but I forgot what it was. My pills have finally kicked in and I feel dead on the inside...

Okay then, that's enough from you Momma B.

Father? Are we almost done? I have to go to the glory hole to see my friend Randy Felcher now.

What's a glory hole son?

It's a small hole in the wall church where all sorts of men get together to worship. So, can I go now?

Sure thing son, go and have a good time. Pray real hard now. Hmmmm, that boy ran out really quickly, maybe we should set up a glory hole here so him and his friends could worship at home. I'll ask the Reverend about it. Well, our time is about up...

Dead, I feel dead on the inside...

Ummm, oh, okay then, it's time to go. Remember to keep America Christian and capitalist! And don't forget that the words 'Satan' and 'socialist' both begin with the letter 's!' Coincidence? I think not.

And also there's no 'I' in Jesus.

I swear to God son, I will get our Lord and saviour to smote you if you don't stop that shit. 'Bye everybody!

Call me Dr. Smug

We bought this lawn mower today:
It uses zero gas, zero oil, and it emits zero noxious gasses and noxious noises. And upkeep on the little jewel is the cost of a sharpening file. I'm doing my part to not contribute to climate change, are you?

(And no, before you ask, that is not our house.)

Happy spring time!

I hope you are as excited about spring being here as much as Milwaukee Centurama guy is.

Go forth and enjoy the renewal of the earth and get off your ass and plant something besides your backside on a couch this spring.

Here's Ernie Borgnine with a reminder for you

"Don't forget to take care of all your donkey maintenance before the rainy season sets in. That way when the rains do come and your donkey is healthy, shiny, and pretty, you'll be able to enjoy that donkey the way a man was meant to enjoy his donkey, wink wink. And also don't forget to remember that I won an Oscar once. Hells yeah, I sure did. So suck on that all you punks who never won an Oscar. Now go, leave me alone so I can pleasure my donkey."

Sigourney sings! Sam Neil wigs out!

Somebody said, "Hey I've got a couple of million dollars to piss away, want to go to eastern Europe and shoot a shitty horror movie?"

Somebody else said, "Can we base it on Snow White and cast Sigourney Weaver and Sam Neil?"

Somebody then said, "Hells yeah man. But we've got to find the least charismatic actress to play the heroine we can find and then we've got to get none other than Canadian acting giant Gil Bellows to star along side her as her hero. And, we've got to make sure that Bellows has all the smouldering sex appeal of a bucket of rotten shellfish that's been out in the sun too long."

Somebody else said, "Ohh, you're on a roll dude. Let's make everyone wear ridiculous hats and costumes and wigs. We gotta have bad wigs too."

Somebody then said, "Done. And we'll tell Sigourney she can chew all the scenery she likes in our soon to be masterpiece. Ooooo, this just hit me, we can have her 'sing' some nonsensical medieval sounding shit in a couple of scenes in the film."

Somebody else said, "Can she sing?"

Somebody said, "Who gives a shit? We'll let her lip sync. It worked for Natalie Wood in West Side Story didn't it?"

Somebody else said, "Man, this is going to be the best movie ever. A horror Snow White and we'll even toss in a dwarf character in a homage to the Disney cartoon."

Somebody said, "We're gonna win Oscars for this one man. I can just feel it."
And so they shot the film, edited it, and released it. And lo, it did stink. Avoid it at all costs. Don't even watch it if it's free on one of your On Demand digital cable channels. It's an hour and a half you'll never get back and it'll make you want to punch Sam Neil and Gil Bellows next time you see them.

Vacationing in Cincinnati?

Then don't forget to stay where the guests of Monkey Muck stay: When checking in, ask for the 'Dr. Monkey discount'!

Where was the outrage?

Right wingers, including Laura Ingraham's pal Megan McCain, are outraged over President Obama going on the Tonight Show and for having the gall to publicly make his NCAA picks known. Ummm, excuse me folks, but where was your outrage when Bush was crawling around on the floor of the oval office while pretending to look for Saddam Hussein's WMD's while America's sons and daughters were dying over in Iraq? Where was the outrage when Bush spent three or four weeks at a time on vacation while the country sank into recession? Where was the outrage when Bush jetted off to Beijing to slap those skinny skanky beach volleyball chicks asses?

As was pointed out on Countdown last night, just because his predecessor could only do one thing at a time, when he found time in between mocking the deaths of our servicemen and women and his numerous vacations, that doesn't mean President Obama is the same way. You see rightwingers, that's one of the differences between Bush and Obama, Obama is smart enough to multi task and Bush wasn't. Bush has adult ADD, Obama doesn't.

Save your phony outrage for the budget bill and for when team Obama rolls back the Bush tax cuts. And go ahead and bank a good bit of that phony outrage for 2010 when Republicans get their asses kicked for the third election cycle in a row.

Think spring!

Say lady, is that a pole between your legs or are you just happy to see me?

From a 1946 Holiday magazine.

Reviews you can use

I've been having a hard time finding a book to read that I liked lately. I tried a couple of novels from the Hard Case Crime series but the best thing about them were the covers, note to writers of Hard Case Crime books: write faster paced more exciting novels, the ones I tried were deadly dull. I tried reading Cold Comfort Farm but by page 60 I gave up because I didn't like it, call me a Philistine but I liked the film much better. But in the midst of my literature dilemma my friend, who just happens to be the head honcho at my local library, recommended this graphic novel to me:
And all I can say is, holy shit, it's really good.

It's about a USA where something has gone horribly wrong and most everyone has been turned into zombies. And of course the zombies do what they do best, they shamble to and fro and they try to eat the remaining humans so that they turn into zombies as well. But as is often the case there's a small band of humans who survive the zombie-pocalypse and they try to soldier on and make their way in the world.

The thing I like about this series is that, at least in the first book anyway, they don't try to come up with an explanation for why the dead became alive once again and turned into flesh eating zombies. You just have to take it on faith that something happened and you go from there.

All the characters are well written and thought out. They're actually like people you might know and they do things and say things that you might really do and say in a world where zombies not only roam the earth but they out number humans by a wide margin as well. It's very engaging and well worth your time. I recommend it highly. I hope I can get the rest of the books at my library because I'm now hooked on them.


Next up the world of television. Specifically the world of NBC sitcoms. More specifically the awful show Kath and Kim:
This is a re imagining of the Aussie sitcom of the same name. I tried watching the original when it aired on Sundance or IFC but I didn't like it. But I was willing to give the NBC remake a shot. I tried to like it, really I did. I watched all the episodes they ran but by the end I not only did not like it, I've decided that I hate Selma Blair more than the thought of having a lit cigar shoved up my ass.

The show is unfunny, condescending, poorly written, and poorly acted. It's not Molly Shannon's fault, she and the guy who plays her boyfriend try very hard to make this show work but despite their best efforts, it's a no go. The show is being dragged down by Selma Blair. She's awful in it. Her character is whiny, self absorbed, and unlikeable. There is not a single redeeming thing about her character. One tries to like her, or to at least find a reason to not hate her as much as one hates Adolf Hitler or Rush Limbo, but it's impossible. Blair's character singlehandedly ruins this show. But to be fair the guy who plays her husband gives her a run for her money in the 'Oh my fucking gawd I hate these people' department. I hope NBC cancels this show faster than a speeding bullet.

I also tried to like the ABC remake of Life on Mars. And in fact I did like the first few episodes. But when they announced that Fred Thompson was joining the cast I dropped out. And it looks like the rest of the country did as well because the series hasn't been picked up. Oh well, after his stinging defeat in the Republican primaries last year and the cancellation of this show this year, it looks like poor ol' sleepy head Fred can't find a gig he can succeed at anymore. I guess he'll have to stay home and let his bubbleheaded trophy wife change his diapers while he sits in his Lazy-Boy and watches his old movies. Fred Thompson, he's not President but he did play one on TV and nobody gave a shit.

And finally there are a couple of mid season replacements that will be cancelled within weeks of their premiere. And they are both one ABC, one is the new show with that guy from Firefly and the other is that show about the kooky cops that they keep advertising during Lost. ABC, you do have one bright spot in your midseason line up replacement shows, Better Off Ted looks to be a decent show, I caught the last five minutes of it last night and it not only made me laugh out loud, it looked like it was well written and well cast.

That's all for now.

The impossible truth behind Snake Plissken's eye patch

Wings tagged me the other day with this new meme going around. You have to come up with an explanation that tells the story behind Snake Plissken's eye patch. Here's my version:

Before he escaped from New York and LA, Snake was a bag man for the Vatican. And as some of you know Vatican City is home to some of the best looking hats and head gear in history. There's always a pope or two running around wearing a huge mitre or a stupid looking mini red cowboy hat:
Also there's nun's a plenty in outrageous wimples:
And of course we can't forget the guards who protect the pope and the cardinals when they're snorting coke, coming up with stupid out dated positions on condoms and HIV/AIDS, or when they're just kicking back and molesting little boys:
As we all know the Vatican is a pretty crowded place what with all those hats, jewels, piles of gold, dirty robes, S & H Green Stamps, art works, and other shit, so it's entirely possible that our boy Snake took a wrong turn and poked his eye out on the corner of someone's hat.

But what really happened was someone sent Pope Billy Bob the 25th a monkey that was wearing a fez. On that fez was a rope made of gold thread, the end of which had been dipped in poisonous acid. That someone, most likely Jerry Falwell on his death bed, knew that the pope would take the golden rope off the fez, which is exactly what the pope tried to do. But as he reached for the monkey, the monkey whipped off the fez and it tried to jam the acid dipped rope end in the pope's mouth. Plissken walked in with a bag of cash as the monkey was making it's move and he whipped the bag of cash at the monkey. The fez flew out of the monkey's hand and it landed poion end first in Snake's eye. The corrosive poison quickly burned out Snake's eye and he ran screaming from the Vatican.

He ended up losing not only his eye, he lost his faith in the Roman Catholic church as well. However he gained a friend in the ordeal. The monkey felt so much remorse over burning out the wrong man's eye that he followed Snake and they became good friends, until the night Snake had to eat him because he could not find his emergency can of Beenie Weenies that is.

RIP

Actor, humanitarian, wife, mother, sister, daughter, Natasha Richardson is dead at age 45. What a shame. I feel for her sons because my mother was in her 40's when she died. Rest in peace Natasha. I hope you get reincarnated as some thing or someone really cool.

Alert the PUMA's!

President Obama is getting all sexist on us again. When will he learn to stop beating women in the polls?

I can't say she didn't try to warn me

I bought a slew of pulp paperbacks yesterday for a quarter apiece and among them was this nugget of 1970's cheesy goodness:
The little old lady at the counter began to ring me up and when she saw this book she kind of squealed. "Harold Robbins!" She said, "You know this book will be racy, right?"

I smiled and I told her, "Oh I'm sure it is. Robbins writes that kind of thing. But I'm not going to read it. I'm buying it for the cover. I'm going to scan it and put it online."

She seemed relieved. "Well, if you do decide to read it, just remember I told you it was going to be racy!"

She needn't have worried because after I scanned the cover, I shredded the pages of the book and I'm going to spread the shredded remains of it and some of the other books I bought yesterday over my garden plot. The thin layer of shredded paper will keep the weeds down and it will decompose into the soil when I turn it this fall. I'm sure Harold Robbins would be glad to know that this copy of his book was put to good use.

Gnome Chomsky has something he'd like to tell you

"I'm really bummed out by this Natasha Richardson thing. Seriously, she's a good egg and a great actor. I hope she doesn't die. And could you please get your fecking dog to stop pissing on me? I'd really appreciate it. Thanks."

The duality of nurses

What, no Suburban Nurse?

Happy St. Patrick's Day

I've got a lot of mixed emotions and feelings about St. Patrick's Day. On the one hand I'm glad we've set aside a day to honor the country where my mother's people came from because I identify with that side of the family waaaaay more than I do with my father's side. On the other hand I hate that most people celebrate the day like this douchebag:
Would it be okay celebrate MLK day by dressing in baggy clothes and wearing lots of bling bling or to dress up in outrageous pimp outfits? Is it fine to dress in a wife beater t shirt and shiny vinyl sweat pants and act like Tony Soprano on Columbus day? Nope. Then why is it permissible to get shit faced and act like an ass on the day that is supposed to honor the contributions of the Irish to this country?

Well, okay we may have brought it on ourselves what with our entertainment Irish American role models, case in point, that skeevy asshole Dennis Leary. Oy vey, I may have to start claiming my German heritage if that misogynist prick Leary says another stupid thing that brings shame and dishonor on all of us Irish Americans. And there's Shane McGowan lead "singer" of the Pogues. True, he's not an Irish American but he's close. And don't get me started on Bono, Enya, and all the Irish singers who do the never ending PBS fund drive specials.

Celebrating the Irish experience in America shouldn't begin and end with watching Darby O'Gill and the Little People, The Quiet Man, and stuffing gobs of corned beef, cabbage, and potatoes in your pie hole while you suck down Guinness after Guinness. It should begin with you watching that great movie about Bloody Sunday that starred James Nesbitt, finding a pedophile priest and punching him in the nads, and then running some guns to the Provisional IRA outpost nearest to you.

Now, you'll have to excuse me I have to run, my potatoes are boiling over, I need another shot of Irish whiskey, and my god damned U2's Greatest Hits CD is skipping. Oh the feckin' humanity. I curse my rotten Irish luck!

Dear President Obama,

It's time you got rid of these two ass rockets:

They are too beholden to big business and they refuse to do the things that need to be done to fix our economy. Moreover sir, they are part of the banking/academic/big business cabal that got us into this mess in the first place.

Fire them immediately and replace them with clear headed people who will have the intestinal fortitude to nationalize AIG, the big banks, and to end the lawless deregulation that got us into the mess we're in now. In fact sir, I'm willing to do my part for my country. Give me a call and I'll step in to either one of those jobs. I promise you sir, I will kick some ass, take names, and I will do what's best for the greatest number of people, and you can bet I'll be public enemy number one on Wall Street and in every corporate boardroom by the time I am done because I am on the side of the working people of this nation and not on the side of the leeches in big business.

I promise you further that I will be fair to all small businesses but big business will get a beat down from me. It has to be done sir and the longer Timmy and Larry are in positions of power and influence the longer it will take for our economy to recover.

Fire the idiots who drove us to this economic cliff and hire me to turn this motherfucker around. You won't be sorry you did it, I promise you that.

Yours,
Dr. Monkey

PS: Give that tall piece of brown sugar you call Mrs. Obama a kiss for me!

Score another one for us pasty doughy middle aged white guys

I love Ricky Gervais. His comic sensibilities are very close to mine and I've loved every BBC series I've seen him in. His video for the British Comic Relief organization where he "goes" to Africa is a scream. I'm all in on his comedy bandwagon. And last night we saw this:It's a cute movie and it's laugh out loud funny at times. It works because it doesn't take itself too seriously, although it does try to get a bit serious when dealing with the love story between Gervais and Ms. Leoni.

Gervais stars as a dentist who doesn't like people, any people. When he goes in to the hospital for a routine procedure he dies for about 7 minutes. When he is released he finds out he can not only see ghosts, but he can interact with them as well. Greg Kinnear, who is recently dead in the film, ropes him into helping him out with his wife (Leoni) and hilarity and romance ensue.

It's not a highbrow earnest film so don't expect much beyond a few laughs and a sweet message. I recommend it and if you like Ricky Gervais as much as I do then you'll love it.

Rating some of the TV chefs

Okay, I admit it. I watch the Food Network from time to time and I've actually tried some of their recipes. It's been a mixed bag when it comes to results though.

Here's my top tier of TV chefs:I find Giada annoying to listen to but she's easy on the eyes and on the palette. I've made two or three things she's made and they've all been great. Clearly she knows what she's doing in the kitchen. But if she's in a non cooking show, I won't watch her because like I said, she annoys me.
We're both Jamie fans here at Monkey Central. We watched all his 'how to' shows, we've watched his other shows (the ones about school lunches, starting his restaurant 15, and the one where he went to Italy), we own a couple of his cookbooks, and despite it costing almost ten bucks, we bought the first issue of his magazine. Everything either one of us has made of his has been good and it's easy to make. I've learned quite a bit about cooking by watching and reading Jamie's stuff. As he likes so say on his shows, "Go on, my son."

The good but not great tier:

When she speaks her voice is like nails on a blackboard to me. I want to make her stop talking forever when I hear Rachel ray giggle and say, "EVOO." But she's made a few things that I've liked after I tried making them myself. But the chicken breast in balsamic vinegar topped with a dollop of sour cream dish she made one night came out nothing short of vile. Basically, I can take her or leave her.

The holy hell these people should be tried for crimes against food tier: I tried to like Marcus Samuelson but I just can't. His accent is freaky and his food stinks. Everything I have made of his has been bad. I made a fish cake dish recipe of his one night and it made our old condo smell like mustardy burnt ass. Seriously, ick. Yes, I know the dark haired one is dead but I'm not about to let the Two Fat Ladies off the hook. These broads never met a piece of string or fat, or small woodland animal they didn't want to deep fry or boil to within an inch of their lives. I made a ricotta and honey pie from one of their recipes one night and it tasted like sweet swamp debris. Maybe I dislike them so much because the one holding the carrots was slagging Jamie Oliver in the British press a while back, or maybe I dislike then because they made shitty looking food that put British cooking back a couple hundred years.

Also in this category are Paula Deen (because she is such a negative southern stereotype who never met a piece of pork fat she didn't want to slather all over something) and that dude with the spiky bleached hair do that does that awful show about diners on Food Network (seriously, Food Network, that guy has all the charisma of a muskrat who's gnawing his leg off to get free from a trap).

And finally the female chef hotties I like to watch but who's food I have not tried to make yet: I find Ina Garten to be inexplicably hot. I like that she's a little round woman who cooks up sinfully rich food. And then there's Nigella. Need I say more?

Go, look

Over at Yellow Volkswagen Theory there's some photos of abandoned furniture, out of business gas stations, and the complete Sarnia-Lambton County vacation brochure. Go have a look if you like.

We got a new toy yesterday

We got this pasta maker for under $20 bucks at Ross. Boo ya bitches, fresh pasta for everybody!