Illustrated safety tips

These are weird bad crazy times we live in and one of the missions of this blog is to help you get through life safely. Our crack staff has been preparing a list of useful illustrated safety tips for a few months now and they present their findings here:

If your Negro or Latino house maid has stolen and swallowed the few remaining pieces of jewelry that you haven't had to pawn off yet we advise you to grasp her under chin and to slide your thumb into her mouth. Taking care not to let her close her jaws on your thumb, you should press down on her tongue while stomping on her foot. Continue to do this until she shits out the jewelry in question, the police arrive, or until the members of her gang ride over and do a drive by shooting on you.

When molesting a woman you have just met, never look down. Instead, you should always

look straight ahead so that you can keep an eye peeled for anyone who might run to help her.

If you suspect that your baby may be gay, liberal, a Communist, a future Rotary Club member, an Amway salesperson, or a Unitarian, use gentle slaps to get those tendencies out of your child. You should have muzak versions of John Denver's greatest hits playing in the background while you do this.

If a caregiver, a nursery school teacher, a maiden aunt, or a Catholic priest tries to feel you up and you're not in the mood, then you are advised to break wind, piss your pants, and to act like you're choking. Once they let you go, turn quickly and punch them in their 'special place.' Then go hire a ghost writer to help you write a memoir about the experience.

If a loved one gets a tattoo of any character in the Twilight series, two dogs fucking, or Jesus riding a unicorn and they show it to you in a prideful manner, you are advised to grab an ice pack that has been kept at absolute zero, put the ice pack over the tattoo, and to hold on the offending area until the arm is frozen enough to smash with a hammer.

If you stumble across a hot chick at a party and she's passed out drunk and you want to take advantage of her. Don't.

Wait until she vomits first. You do not want to shag a chick who might upchuck on you, trust us on that one.

If you are unlucky enough to have watched more than a few seconds of a movie starring any closeted Scientologist (Tom Cruise, John Travolta for example), then you are advised to wash your eyes out with a mild soap and water. We also recommend years of therapy to get past the trauma of having had to watch those aging gas bags in a motion picture.

If your elderly parent has become involved in any reactionary conservative political movement and they say things like, "That Rush Limbaugh makes some real good points!" or "I'd lick the chunky discharge off Sarah Palin's panties if it made them pointy headed liberals in Congress mad!," then you are advised to knock them to the ground and to bite their wind pipe until you draw blood. Don't stop until they have lost the power of speech.

Please remember that accidents are accidents waiting to happen. And they can kill or at the very least put a damper on your day. So take our safety advice and stay safe out there everybody!

Who we're not

It turns out that this little gal was wrong:

We are not all the Palins.

And you know how I know that? Because most of us aren't quitters. Most of us get up and go to work every day despite hating our jobs, despite taking abuse from co-workers, despite long hours and long commutes. Most of us don't have the luxury of being able to quit our jobs after the going got tough. Most of us have to hang in there because we don't have book deals, appearance fee money, and a team of "journalists" at FOX News ready to turn us into a saint or a martyr depending on which way the wind is blowing that day.

And most of us live our lives ethically, without the stench of corruption hanging over us. Most of us don't have contractors who build state buildings ready willing and able to use materials left over from that building to build us a house at little or no charge.

Most all of us aren't bullies who seek to silence the slightest critic or comedian who makes a joke about us. Most of us understand that freedom of speech is protection for people who speak out against the government and elected officials like Sarah Palin and that as long as you don't do something like call for the violent overthrow of the US government, something which Toad Palin's secessionist buddies have done in the past, or yell "Fire!" in a crowded movie theatre, then you can say pretty much what you like without someone in the government, like, oh say, Sarah Palin, threatening to sue you.

And I'd wager a good majority of us are laughing like crazy as we remember when the quitter Sarah Palin said that she didn't respect Hillary Clinton for decrying sexism in the media. Palin jeered that Clinton was supposed to suck it up and not complain about things like that since she was in public life. Hang on there, isn't what's good for Hillary good for Sarah too? Evidently not because when it comes to the quitter, it's do as she says not as she does.

Not many of us would have so cynically used our family for personal aggrandizement and political gain. Not many of us would have screeched that she was forcing her daughter into a shot gun wedding after she started to show so that she could claim that abstinence was the best way to end teen pregnancy. Not many of us would insist that jokes made about the daughter was slept around were actually about her younger sister so that we could score major sympathy from the religious right. And I'd say that 99.999999999 percent of us would not exploit a tiny baby who was born with birth defects for our political gain.

That's why we're not 'All The Palins.' Most of us have more morals and decency than they do.

Except for one small group of people, the hardcore Hillary supporters who call themselves the PUMAs. They owe us all an apology. They cried that we were all mean to her and that she was a governor by golly, who governed a big ol' state and that the left was obsessed with her perceived incompetence. They said her being picked to be McCain's veep was because she was qualified not because she was just a woman who was being exploited because she was pretty and had a pair of tits and a vagina. They tried and tried to say with straight faces that she was more qualified than Obama to be President. Well you PUMAs, your worst fears have been realized. It turns out that she was just a stunt pick and that she was in no way qualified to be our President if, jeebus forbid, McCain had been elected.

Alert the PUMA's!

President Obama is getting all sexist on us again. When will he learn to stop beating women in the polls?

And now here's a message from Sarah Palin

Oh gosh, you know I was just so mad at my "maverick" running mate Grandpa John for deciding to leave Michigan that it totally ruined my weekend!

Sure it looks like I'm happy as I'm standing next to Alaska stud #1, who may have just knocked me up with a baby that we might name Flywheel McSneezer Palin, but I'm not really. In fact I'm the opposite of happy, I'm steamed let me tell ya you betcha.

I'm ready to go to the great lake state and rustle me up some votes. I'll take Todd and Bristol and Levi and the new baby and Cooter and Lolly Pop and Sleestak and Satchel and Jim Bob and Mary Ellen and the rest of our kids and by golly we'll canvass from Germfask to Fowlerville to Alpena to Grosse Point and by gosh by golly don't cha know we'll have Jesus by all our sides and we'll turn that blue state red! I'll even get my Kenyan minister, you know the witch hunter guy, to got to Dee-troit to get all those black folks to vote for me and Grandpa John.

Hey I want to go but Grandpa doesn't want me to, I guess I'm the maverick now because I'm trying to do my own thing! Hey Grandpa, who's a maverick? Me. I'm a maverick. I'm not just a MILF or a PYW2P4 (Pentecostal You Want 2 Pray 4)!

But okey dokey then, if Grandpa John doesn't want me to spend time in Michigan I guess I'll just sit here and not talk to the press. I'll just sit here and hope Jesus comes back before that uppity elitist black man gets elected.

And here's a word from Gov. Sarah Palin

Fez tip to I Can't Believe It's Not a Democracy.

Civics, it's not just for nerds like me any more

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Choice

When this woman's teenage child decides to keep her unplanned pregnancy it's hailed as a "brave choice."

But when women who look like thishave unplanned pregnancies they are called scum who just want to have babies so they can stay in this country.

I might be wrong but I thought the whole deal with the Bush McCain sex ed thing was to stop kids from having sex. Maybe Bristol Palin did follow their rules and one day she was sitting around nude with her legs open and her baby daddy walked by, saw her, and he flung the contents of his emergency semen vial at her virginal vagina. Yeah, that would explain everything. That's what happened.

I just hope Bristol doesn't hate America so much that she and her new baby want to leave it like her mother does. I hope that Bristol and her baby don't join the Alaska secessionist movement and the NRA like her mother did, because if she did then she'd be a gun nut who puts her own narrow selfish interests over those of this country.

This whole Palin pick just keeps getting better and better. Anyone want to give me odds how long she's going to last as Bush McCain's veep?