Alive and kicking

I had a cardio stress test this morning in Knoxville. After the test we wandered and drove around and among the photos I snapped were these:





I'm awaiting the results of the test but the fact that they didn't whisk me into surgery whilst taking the test is a heartening development.

The doctor will see you when we say he'll see you

My yearly visit to my cardiologist was yesterday. The visit with him went fine, and I knew it would. There's been no changes in my condition since my last visit, so I knew things would go quickly once I got past The Coven.* Next year's visit however will entail getting a stress test done which means they'll probably do a heart cath afterwards.

In the few minutes we had together my cardiologist and I had an interesting conversation. I had said something about being on a very fixed income and he asked me since if I was worried about government spending since my income is mainly Social Security Disability. I chuckled and said, "No. I'm not worried at all. See, I'm not one of those nut bags who is fearful of the government. I fear the corporate take over of our food supply, water, and health care." He nodded and said, "I've seen both sides of the health care debate..." I cut him off and said, "It's not like people are dropping like files in England, France, and Canada where they have single payer national health insurance. It's not perfect but it's working pretty good over in those countries." He said, "I was an army doctor for many years so I know how government run health care works. I also know how corporate driven health care works. If there's a problem with the government system then the people fix it because government is the people, so there's someone to answer to. In the corporate system the corporation is answerable only to the shareholders." I smiled and said, "Exactly." I bet most doctors secretly feel the same way as my cardiologist does.

After they drew some blood to check my cholesterol, I was done. So Sparky, who took the day off of work to go with me, and I went out and had a late lunch at a fabulous locally owned restaurant in the Fountain City neighborhood of Knoxville. We ate at Litton's. It's a real home cooking style restaurant with a great wait staff and damn good food. It's not inexpensive because they use quality ingredients and it's the kind of place you don't mind spending a little more at because it's locally owned and their food is so good.

After our late lunch we headed over to McKay's, the used book superstore:
I picked up a slew of cool books, which you can see by clicking here. I also got a Alison Moyet CD and an Suzanne Vega CD for two bucks each. I love McKay's.

The weather was great, it usually pisses the rain on us when we go to Knoxville to see my cardiologist, and the traffic moved smoothly. And on the way out of town I snapped a picture of this classic sign:
All's well that ends well, so I'll see you next year o cardiologist of mine.

*The Coven is a name we, Sparky and I, have given to the unhealthy looking fat bottomed women who work the front desk at my cardiologist's office. They are rude, dismissive, disrespectful, and just down right bitchy to all patients who dare set foot inside their domain. They get away with it because most of the patients are very old and likely to kick the bucket at any moment. I, however, do not put up with their crap and therefore they hate me for it.

Finally, some good dietary news

Chocolate is good for people who have had one or more heart attacks!

Five years ago...

...my love affair with cigarettes,
candy bars, and fatty foods came to a crashing halt when I had a heart attack right before I was going to go onstage with my improv comedy group in Knoxville, TN.

I had been having pain in the upper center of my chest for moths before that fateful night but I dismissed it as indigestion. Turns out my heart was trying to shut down because my arteries were clogged. I also had all the classic signs (high blood pressure, pain in my arms when an artery shut down a year or so before my heart attack, a family history of heart disease) of having heart problems for a few years leading up to the evening of August 4th, 2004 but all the doctors who I had seen, all of whom were graduates of the ETSU school of medicine and who's names I'll gladly give you in person so you can avoid them like the plague, kept misdiagnosing my symptoms, thereby prolonging my problems and weakening my already bad heart.

That night in Knoxville I was feeling lightheaded as I walked in to the nightclub where we performed and I was also short of breath. I walked in, climbed the steps to the third floor, sat down, and began gasping for air. Next thing I knew I woke up on the floor, I was sweating buckets, gasping for air, and looking up at the people who were hovering over me. Then a few minutes later the ambulance got there and they whisked me off to the hospital where I met this guy:
That's Dr. Stephen Hoadley my cardiologist. He saved my life that night and because of that we still see each other once or twice a year. He likes to see me partially naked when we get together so I take my shirt off and I let him feel me up. Then for some crazy reason I have to pay him, instead of it being the other way around. Actually, he's a good guy and a damn fine cardiologist.

Dr. Hoadley put a stent in me five years ago tonight. But in the long run a stent was only a stop gap solution, so about a month later I had a quadruple bypass, Bill Clinton had his around the same time as I had mine. If you've ever wondered what they do to you in a bypass operation, this is what they do after they saw open your breastbone:
I had four of those. And in about 8 to 10 years I'll have to have another bypass because the bypasses don't last forever. But mine will last a quite a while because I not taken smoking back up since my heart troubles. I am five years free of cigarettes and about it's been about 12 years since I smoked marijuana. I also cut out a lot of the bad fat in my diet and I stopped eating and drinking stuff that has High Fructose Corn Syrup in it.

So, so far I've beaten the disease, with the help of my girlfriend Sparky who has been a true champion through out all my health problems and without whom I'd probably have been long gone by now, that claimed my sister, my mother, and a couple of my uncles on both sides of my family. However I've got quite a ways to go before I surpass my Uncle Bob, he had about the same thing happen to him when he was my age, even though he didn't smoke a pack and a half of Marlboro Lights a day, and he's still around today. I believe he's in his mid to late 70's so that gives me something to shoot for.

Happy anniversary to me and if you ever have pains in the upper middle of your chest, don't wait to get them checked out, go to the emergency room if you have to, just make sure you get checked out, it may just save your life.

It looks like you're stuck with me for a little longer

Thankfully it was an uneventful trip to the cardiologist yesterday. He found nothing to be concerned about and it looks like my heart will continue to beat for a bit longer.

It was a nice drive down to Knoxville, the sun was shining and the red buds were in full bloom, which is a change from what we usually have to drive through, sheets of rain and driving wind. Since my appointment was later in the afternoon I didn't have to sit in the waiting room and listen to the coven of receptionists who wear scrubs even though they are not nurses be rude to everyone, especially the older patients who are hard of hearing.

I got to see Dr. Hoadley finally about 40 minutes after they took me back and after a pair of nurses asked me all the usual questions and they gave me the usual EKG. My doctor and I had our usual conversation when he came in:

Doctor H: Hi. Are you smoking again?

Me: No. I haven't smoked a cigarette since the night of my heart attack.

Doctor H: Good. Now you need to lose some weight you fat bastard.

Me: Okay. (He starts to unbutton my shirt.) Umm, Doc, I usually make a guy buy me something to eat before I let him take off my clothes.

Doctor H: Haha, very funny. Are you sure you're not smoking?

Me: Of course I'm sure.

Doctor H: (As he uses his stethoscope on my bare chest.) Okay then. Oh yeah, this weight losing thing, get on it Mr. Fatty McButter Belly. And stay off those cigarettes.

Me: (As I button up my shirt.) Will do.

Doctor H: I'll see you in a year and make sure you pay us before you drop dead or something.

Fin.

Actually, I kid, my cardiologist is a nice guy. We get along well and I trust him with my life, after all he did save my life the first night I met him. And since I don't have to see him as much as I used to, I don't mind going to his office in Knoxville as much as I used to. Oh, I still despise the coven of receptionists who wear scrubs even though they aren't nurses but they're a small price to have to pay to see a top notch cardiology guy.

After I finished with my appointment Sparky and I went and had a super duper late lunch/early supper at one of our favorite restaurants in Knoxville, The Sunspot on the strip near the University of Tennessee. After not eating much all day long I was ready to chow down and I had a chicken breast sandwich that was almost as big as my head, some salty as hell fries, and several glasses of sweet tea. I'm not sure what Sparky ate because I was too busy strapping on my own feed bag.

After our meal we went to two of my favorite places in Knoxville, Disc Exchange and Book Eddy.

Disc Exchange sells new and used CD's, DVD's and other entertainment related shit and we picked up three used CD's while there. We got a Replacements CD, an EP on CD by Southern Culture on the Skids, and we scored a used She and Him CD. If you're not familiar with She and Him, they are a musical group that consists of the actress Zooey Deschanel and some guy who plays guitar. Her singing sounds like a cross between Julie London and Patsy Cline, with a dash of natural sweetness thrown in, it very lovely and highly addictive. I now see why Samurai Frog has been on their band wagon for so long now.

To say Book Eddy is a used book store is to say that a used Rolls Royce is just a used car. Book Eddy sells used books yes, but the used books it sells are a cut above, although there are great deals to be found when you go through their stacks. They are also respectful of books at Book Eddy, they don't stick sticky gooey price tags all over the front of their books, they write the price, in pencil, on the first page of the book as as not to devalue the book by defacing the cover. They also carry, in addition to thousands of cool old books, some vintage magazines, record albums, and shelf after shelf of pulp sci fi, mystery, and suspense paperbacks from the 1940's on up through the '70's. I could spend days in that place just looking at all the great pulp covers. I was lucky enough this trip to find some books in the bargain bin such as these two:

I found a few more and I paid a little over three bucks for all of them, woo hoo! Sparky bought some books as well so all in all it was a good excursion. We got new to us music and kick ass used books, could geeks like us ask for more? I don't think so.

It's a good thing I only have to see my cardiologist once a year now because if I went much more than that I'd end up spending far too much time and money in the Disc Exchange and Book Eddy.

You're stuck with me for the foreseeable future

I'm back from my heart cath follow up/regular cardiologist appointment and it looks like I'm gonna be around a bit longer. Dr. Hoadley told me everything looked good and that my heart is actually a bit stronger than it was when he first met me, of course when he first met me I was having a massive heart attack, the arteries around my heart were nearly all shut down, and my heart was grossly enlarged due to the blood not getting out properly. My ejection fraction, that's the rate blood leaves my heart, is lower than it was due to one of the bypasses not being open as much as it first was, but over all the other three bypasses look good and everything else is hunky dory.

Here are some snippets of my conversation with my cardiologist:
Dr. H: Do you remember what I told you before the heart cath?
Me: Yeah, you told me there was a chance I could have a stroke, or a heart attack, or die if you did the heart cath.
Dr. H: That's right, I...
Me: Dude, you need to work on your bedside manner.

A little later on in the visit he asked me:
Dr. H: What do you do to keep busy?
Me: I write. I...
Dr. H: Oh yeah, what do you write?
Me: I write a blog.
Dr. H: A political blog?
Me: Politics, pop culture, stupid jokes, I write about it all. I also play golf a couple days a week weather permitting.
Dr. H: That's good. So, who's going to win the election?
Me: You really want me to go there?

After I told him why I was backing Obama he said:
Dr. H: Well if Hillary gets elected she'll do some things to our medical system that people won't like but by the time they find out they don't like them it will be too late.
Me: Something's gotta be done, the system can't go on the way it is now with the insurance companies and big pharma running things.
Dr. H: You're right. I'm resigned to some form of socialized medicine...
Me: Let's stop using words that scare people. Let's stop calling it 'socialized medicine.' Let's call it instead 'Medicare for everybody.'
Dr. H: You know, that sounds pretty reasonable.
Me: Duh.

After my appointment Sparky and I went to lunch at The Sunspot, for those who aren't going to click on the link it's casual semi vegetarian restaurant near the University of Tennessee campus. Our food was good but there sure was a hell of a lot of it. I think they feel like they need to ramp up your portion size if you're not ordering something with meat in it.

After lunch we went to one of my favorite places in Knoxville, the Disc Exchange. After much perusing of the new and used CDs I narrowed my choices to a Holly Cole CD and a Gaelic Storm CD or a used copy of the double CD Bob Dylan Live at Budokan.In the end my memories of rocking out to the first Dylan album I ever bought won out and I purchased the Dylan CDs. Listening to my new purchase on the way home I remembered how much I loved it back when I first bought it at age 16. I had forgotten how bluesy some of the versions of the songs were and how reggae influenced others were. Despite Sparky begging me not to, I sang along with Bob on the way home.

Being the bibliophiles we are we visited a new to us used bookstore before we left town. It's called Book Eddy. Let me tell you people, I could easily spend a few weeks in there going over every inch of shelf space they have. The store is well laid out and it's full of every kind of book imaginable, they have everything from rare and antique books to pulp paperbacks to fiction to books from around the world to non fiction books of all stripes and subjects, plus they sell cheesy albums too. I spent entirely too much time just looking at a few shelves of the children's picture books. I'm definitely going back there after I get done with my next cardiology appointment.

That's how I spent my day today, tomorrow we'll be getting out of the house early since NASCAR has invaded our area, the Jack Daniels Screw Yer Sister 500 is going on in Bristol this weekend. We're going to head over to North Carolina and check out the little mountain towns of Marshall and Weaverville. If they are not happening enough burgs for us then we'll skate on in to Asheville and check out some of our usual haunts.

Have a good weekend my peeps and all you kids stay safe for the monkeyman. I'll see ya later.

It's alive!

Ladies and germs, I'm still alive and kicking. As much as slappy boi and my douchebag Congressman hate it, I made it through today's heart cath with flying colors. Well, as flying as my colors can get after nearly dying four years ago with the initial heart attack and the ensuing quadruple bypass that is.

Let's put todays events in historical context shall we? Why, yes, we shall since this is my blog and not yours. So lets go back about a week to a chilly Monday morning in the dead of winter.

It was about 9 in the morning and my cardiologist called me. He said that after he reviewed the results of my stress test he saw that I had developed a new blockage and that I needed a heart cath to check the new blockage out. He said that balloon therapy or a stent may be needed. I quickly agreed since he was the man responsivle for saving my life back in August 2004. He said that his secretary would call me later with an appointment.

In a few days his secretary did indeed call me with an appointment time. She also told me I needed to get some blood work done in advance of the heart cath and she inquired as when I would like to come to Knoxville to get it done. I told her that since I lived 90 miles east of Knoxville that I would not get it done there. She then asked if there was anywhere around where I lived that did blood work. I wanted through the phone line to punch her condescending ass out for asking such a stupid question. I told her, in not too polite terms I must say, that we did indeed did have many places where such blood work could be done. I told her that we have not one but two hospitals in my town and that we also had a university that has a medical school in the city where I live so she needn't worry about there being a shortage of places to do said blood work. I also reminded her that the state did not stop at Knoxville and that there were many people in my area of this state who got fine medical treatment from one of a number of medical institutions around here. I'm not sure if she got the picture or not but I did my best to let her know that she was being patronizing and more than a little condescending by the time we finished our telephone exchange. By the end of said exchange she agreed to call in the order for the blood work to a local clinic I sometimes go to.

Then a few days later I got that blood work done, not at the clinic but at a local hospital. The clinic did not do a certain test my cardiologist ordered so they referred me to the hospital where I had my stress test done. After a days delay I got my blood work done and the results were sent to my cardiologist.

Fast forward to yesterday. When Sparky and I left the house in the morning it was warm, low 60's, and raining as we made our way to Knoxville for the cath. Along the way it rained like a mo-fro on us. At one point I nearly pulled over because I could not see. But as luck would have it the closer I got to Knoxville the clearer the skies became. And by the time I got to Baptist Hospital the sun was shining brightly.

The view from Baptist Hospital admitting area waiting room.

********

I got checked in and in a few short minutes I was being whisked away and told to disrobe down to my socks and told to put on a stylish gown that tied shut in the back. After donning the gown I got stuck with an IV in my hand

and then the nurse told me not once but twice that they were going to shave my "groins." I had to bite my tongue so as not to correct her and tell her that I had only one groin and not two or more. Thankfully one of the most unattractive women in the world came in to do the shave job on me. I thought to myself that it's a damn good thing that they found such an unattractive woman to shave the male paitents down there because of they got a total hottie to do the job then she might have to fight some dudes raging boner when she shaved his pubic area and we all know who wins when a dude has his raging boner fought by a total hottie. After I was stuck and shaved they allowed Sparky to come back and sit with me before the heart cath procedure was done. We waited on pins and needles, and when I say pins and needles I mean I waited on a bed and she waited while sitting on a chair that was manufactired when LBJ was President. After a half hour or so they took me back to the heart cath area.

In the heart cath area I got to finally speak with my doctor and he asked me if I had any questions or fears about the ensuing procedure. I told him I did not and I said, "I trust you, you seem to know what you're doing. I've managed to stay alive by following your advice for the past four years now. You're a pro doc, so you do what you think is best." Heartened by my somehwat ringing endorsement of his medical skills he said his assistant would give me something to sedate me and then he'd be back to do the heart cath. I was semi sedated about 10 minutes later. The drip in my IV put me down but not out, so I was not totally under when he did the procedure. Time lost all meaning as I rode the medication train. I could hear them talking and they even talked to me while they did their voodoo medical magic but I don't remember much. I do remember Dr. Hoadley telling me that they were going to inject some dye into me and that I'd feel hot and tingly. Holy shit was he right. I felt like I was a million degrees hot and my whole body felt like your arm does when it "falls asleep." Those feelings lasted only for a second or two though but man while they did last they were super intense.

By the end of the procedure my doctor said everything looked good and that I would not need the balloon or the stent this time around, so that meant I would not have to spend the night. He said that three out of the four bypasses were doing well and so he was not worried. My heart, according to him and his learned opinion, were doing fine, well as fine as it's going to get anyway. He then told me I would have to wait until the pain medication, the sedative, wore off and my the area of my groin where they threaded the tube to my heart artery clotted properly before I could leave. So they wheeled me back to the staging room.

Sparky was relieved to hear that we could go home later and that everything was okay on my end. So we sat, and when I say we sat I mean I laid in a bed as the sedative wore off and Sparky sat in the uncomfortable chair, and we waited for the sedative to wear off and for them to take my blood pressure about 40 times. Thanks goodness that Comedy Central was running Dirty Rotten Scoundrels this afternoon. We watched it and laughed as we waited for them to release me.
During the afternoon and early evening hours that we spent in the hospital the temperature outside had plummeted and the rain came back and it was supposed to turn to snow later. We got out just ahead of a snow storm that was predicted to dump an inch or more of snow on the Knoxville area, I know that amount sounds laughable to you northerners but down here one inch may as well be 50. People don't do well in the snow down here. Sparky drove the 90 miles back home like a champ and we did indeed run through some snow, sleet and a little rain on our way back here to Monkey Central. We made it back safe and sound and we finally got to eat a decent meal. I hadn't eaten since supper last night and Sparky didn't each much today out of solidarity with me and my plight. We spent almost 12 hours on the road or in the hospital today but since everything turned out okay it was 12 hours well spent. I have a feeling that this won't be my last heart cath and I hope that all the rest turn out as well as this one did.

Thanks to all of you for your well wishes and your kind thoughts and comments. However, to the person who left me a comment with a Bible verse in it, I deleted your comment and please do not ever leave a comment on my blog ever again that contains a sentence from your stone age book of fables. You knew damn well beforehand that I am an atheist and that I do not care for your holier than thou ass, so to leave the comment you did was extremely disrespectful to me and my beliefs. While I appreciate that fact you were thinking of me, I do not in any way appreciate the fact you want to convert me to your intolerant brand of religion.

You can't stop me, you can only hope to contain me

No time for blogging today, as my simian pal Dr. Zaius would say, because I'm off to get my life saved!


It seems that the stress test I had a few weeks ago showed that I have a blockage in another artery. My cardiologist called me with that cheery news first thing last Monday morning, what a way to start the week! He told me that he wants to give me a heart cath, which is a procedure where they stick a ballon up the artery and inflate it a bit in an effort to dislodge the blockage. If the ballon doesn't work then they'll have to stick one of these in that artery:

I had one put in the night I had my heart attack so I know what to expect with this. If they have to put the stent in me then I have to stay over night, if not then I'll get to come home later this evening. Keep your fingers crossed the balloon does the job so I don't have to spend the night in Baptist Hospital.


It's not that I don't like Baptist Hospital, it's just that I don't like hospital stays in general. They're expensive and usually stressful. On the bright side, if I do have to stay over night you'll get to read all about it later. And since I'm taking my camera there will be pictures as well.


Have a great day kids and remember I love most each and every one of you. Thanks for stoppng by and making this whole blogging thingy so much fun. I'll be back, odds willing, sometime tomorrow.


Be sweet!

Stress relief

It took me two tries but I finally got that stress test out of the way today and the people who worked at the cardiology clinic where I went to day could not have been nicer and more professional, unlike the assholes at Heart and Vascular, 405 State of Franklin Street, Johnson, City.

The whole process took about 3 and a half hours so hopefully this one will do me for a few years. It was a full on cardio stress test so I got the whole schmear, the electrodes on me while I walked on the treadmill, the nuclear isotopes injected into me, and all the other trappings.
The fact that they did not hospitalize me during the tests leads me to believe that this stress test went pretty well. I couldn't manage to get my beats per minute up to where they wanted me to but beyond that I don't think there were any problems.

The doctor who monitored my heart rate during the treadmill portion of the test was very nice and he treated me with respect. He answered my questions and was very helpful. He was 180 degrees different than that ass I saw last week.

The nurse who prepped me was a nice young woman who hailed from Bombay. Her name was Rekah. She was incredibly nice and very thorough. I got along well with her, so well in fact that I was able to crack some jokes with her as she got me ready.
Imagine this gal with a bit darker skin and wearing a pair of glasses and that's what Rekah looked like. I got her on the old "Will I be able to play piano after this procedure?" joke. We laughed like crazy after I told her the punch line, and by we I mean me because she politely smiled and Sparky rolled her eyes after I used that joke. Believe me, it was good times, good times.

The nurse who supervised the treadmill portion of the test was a nice woman as well. After she said her first sentence to me I said, "So, what part of the Midwest are you from?" She laughed and told me she was originally from Michigan. I told her I could tell as soon as she opened her mouth and spoke. I admitted I was originally from Detroit so we had that going on between us. It was pure Midwest medical magic for a few minutes.

I get the records back from my visit and their interpretation of the results Friday or Monday, hopefully. I'll then hand deliver them to my cardiologist some time in the next few months.

Two quick notes to the people at that cardiology clinic:

• Having a few books from the 1970's and some copies of Trailer Life magazine in a room does not a "library" make.
• If you're wondering who tore out the pages with that cassoulet recipe from that old copy of Martha Stewart Living in the patient holding pen in the back, it was me. Not to worry though, I'm going to do some serious modifying on that recipe so that it's not so high in fat.

Here's hoping all you take better care of your heart than I did and you don't have to go through cardio stress tests like I do.

Once more for the troops

Well kids it looks like I'm going to get to do that stress test here in Johnson City after all. I got a phone call late Thursday afternoon from the referring physicians office, the ones who referred me to those awful heart doctors at HEART AND VASCULAR in THE JOHNSON CITY MEDICAL CENTER. The little gal on the phone told me that they had actually scheduled me a stress test with another cardiology outfit and I go tomorrow afternoon to have it done.

I sent a not so nice email to the hospital after last weeks incident and I included a link to my post on the whole mess. The shill who works for the hospital sent me an email back telling me that the hospital was not at fault and that I should take any problem I had with the asses at HEART AND VASCULAR, 405 State of Franklin, Johnson City, TN up with them and I should stop bothering the people who run the JOHNSON CITY MEDICAL CENTER. I know the guy read my post because I did not mention my cardiologist in Knoxville in my inital email, yet he referenced him in his email to me.

So anyway, I go tomorrow to get the stress test done and I'm glad the universe is finally listening to me. Maybe I should not push my luck but here goes: Hey universe, I really want to win the Powerball Jackpot soon. I promise to help out my friends and to start a bunch of sustainable earth friendly businesses if I do win. And you now what universe? I'm not all that picky, if Powerball is out of the question, then I'll take winning the Mega Millions jackpot. I promise I'll help out myfriends and start those businesses if I win this one too.

Thanks for listening to me universe.

(The title of this post comes from my old college theatre professor Penny Mattice. During rehearsals for the various plays I did in college she'd have us do scenes over and over again until we got them they way she wanted. Then after doing a bang up perfect job we'd turn to her and she'd say, "That was good but do it once more, for the troops.")

Customer satisfaction? What's that?

I didn't think it was possible for me to find another industry that used the same bad business model that Charter Cable uses, but some how I did. And what industry would treat their customers with contempt, sneer at people who asked questions, and demand utter obedience and obsequiousness from their customers? Why that industry would be the health care industry in general and the cardiology profession in particular (my regular cardiologist is exempt from this tirade).

For those you of who are joining this blog already in progress, let me update you. In 2004 I had a massive heart attack while I was in Knoxville. I got sent to the Baptist Hospital ER where I met Dr. Hoadley, who would become my regular cardiologist. He put a stent in me that night and he recommended I get bypass surgery. Six weeks after my heart attack I got quadruple bypass surgery. After my successful bypass surgery I decided to keep on seeing Dr. Hoadley because he is a good doctor who listens to me, which is a rarity these days, despite the fact that his office is in Knoxville and I live in Johnson City. For those of you unfamiliar with the geography of TN here is a little visual aid to help you visualize the distance from Knoxville to Johnson City:

Red dot=Johnson City

Blue dot=Knoxville

So every time I got to see my cardiologist I have to drive about 220 miles round trip. I don't mind it now because I only see him about every six months or so. However the last time I saw him he said I needed to get a cardio stress test done since my last one was done in January of 2005. After checking with the people in his office I found out that I could only get one scheduled for early in the morning at around 7:30/8 AM. They don't schedule any any later in the day so that meant that I would have to get up at around 5:30 AM and drive like a bat out hell to get to their office on time. Well boys and girls, I decided to try something different this time, something that would be more convenient for me, something so radical that it would cause some people to freak out, I decided to get my cardio stress test done locally in Johnson City and then I'd give the results to my cardiologist on my next appointment.

There in lies the problem. I thought, silly me, that a cardio stress test was a stress test was a stress test and that if you got one done at a reputable hospital then it would be fine and the results would be accepted country, if not world, wide. Seems simple doesn't it? Get a test done close to home and then have your regular doctor, the guy who has all your info and who knows you, interpret the results later.

Well kids, I somehow managed to wangle an appointment with a cardiology outfit here in Johnson City and I told the referring phys. office that I needed to see them for a stress test only. When I got the cardiology office in town this morning I was told that the referring phys. office had sent me over as a new cardiology patient and that they had no idea I needed a stress test. I politely but firmly told them I was not going to be a regular patient and that I only wanted a stress test done. This seemingly simple request of mine seemed to throw the two nurses who I dealt with initially. They seemed stunned that I would tell them what treatment or test I wanted instead of it being the other way around.

After a few minutes of sitting alone in the cold as hell exam room a douchebag on two legs, or he may actually have been the doctor I'm not sure, came in the room and he demanded to know if I got the stress test done there was he was going to be my cardiologist from then on.

I told him no. I said I would continue to see Dr. Hoadley. This seemed to throw Dr. Douchebag for a big loop. He stammered and hemmed and hawed and when he finally determined that he was not going to be making any more money off me he then said that I should get the stress test done in Knoxville. I told Dr. Douchebaggy that it was a matter of convenience for me to get it done there and then I could take the results to Knoxville next time I went to see my regular cardiologist. Dr. Douchenheimer was having none of it. He claimed that cardiologists rarely trusted stress test results from other cardiologists and that he was suspicious of anyone who walked in his office bearing results of tests done elsewhere. I stood my ground and I told him that I'd like to get the test which I had scheduled for today done. He said I should get it done in Knoxville. I tried to tell him again about the convenience aspect and he interrupted me by telling me that I was an unpleasant person who was just giving him some "shit." I stood up and told him, "Fine, if you don't want to do the stress test here I'll get it done in Knoxville." It was all I could not to spit on him and tell him he was one of the reasons why people hate doctors and hospitals.

I couldn't believe how condescending and jack assy he was towards me and my situation. Because my medical gravy train wasn't going to be stopping at his shitty station any more he decided to say, "Fuck you, I don't care what you want or what is good for you, it's all about me and making money for my practice." As for insane pronouncement that cardiologists rarely trust outside test results, I know that's a fucking lie because the last stress test I had done was at a hospital other than the one where I usually get treatment and my cardiologist readily accepted those results. Maybe, just maybe, Dr. Doucheinstein at Heart and Vascular, located at Suite 24 in 408 North State of Franklin Road, Johnson City, TN, knew his people were not up to snuff and that the test results from his office are universally suspect and he did not want another office finding out how incompetent he and his people are.

It really is a shame that medical "professionals" like this asshole are allowed to dictate when and where people get the tests their regular doctor orders for them. I'm sure if I lived in Canada, or the UK, or in France, I could have gotten that stress test done anywhere I fucking wanted and it the results would have been accepted anywhere.

True Cardiac Tales!

Both times I was in the hospital for my heart, the first with the heart attack itself and the second with the bypass surgery, all the nurses were very nice hard working women who were total pros at what they did. But all of them also had one thing in common, all except the one who looked like Lindsey Davenport, they all were a little over weight and they all had HUGE butts. I'm not talking big butts, I'm talking big ass huge butts. They had butts so big the Donner party could have eaten them and been satisfied for months. This guy would have been in heaven:

I didn't say anything to any of them because they basically all had helped save my life. But I couldn't help think that if they wanted the overweight bad diet having smokers like me to lose weight and live a healthier life then maybe they ought to have put those nurses on the same fat free low salt diet I was on.