The stupid, it burns

A deeply closeted Washington lobbyist has drafted a bill that would ban gay men from playing in the NFL.  No, really.

The dude is concerned that all the NFL players are going to turn gay if they have to shower with a gay dude.  Think about that, one out gay man on an NFL team is going to turn his whole team into cock gobbling maniacs who then forget all about how to play football and only concentrate on getting more cock and sweet sweet hairy man ass, which in turn will turn Sunday afternoons, Monday, and Thursday nights into massive gay sex orgies.

That gay agenda, it's pretty fucking powerful.

For years they stereotyped gay men as limp wristed mincing guys who dressed in drag and spoke in falsetto voices.  They assured us that gay dudes weren't 'man' enough to play football, much less NFL football.  So now that Michael Sam is out of the closet and will probably get drafted, they want to make it so gay dudes can't play football, not even NFL football.  And remember, the NFL takes all kinds of wife beaters, murderers, liars, gamblers, drug addicts, and Christians.  So adding a gay player to the mix is just intolerable I guess.  Never mind the fact that gay guys have played in the NFL since it's inception, they just weren't out about it.

Honestly, how deep is their hatred for gay men in this country?  What new law or rule can they pass to ostracize them?  Is there no humiliation that they won't try to foist on them?  This lobbyist and all the virulently anti gay Christians need to just accept who they are and come out of the closet, they'd be much happier if they did.

How has the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell affected you so far?

"It upset me so bad that I had to go back to using training wheels on my bike."

"Dude, fuck some 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' bullshit. Can't you see we got a kid to raise here? Hopefully we can get on that new MTV 2 show Preteen Mom so we can make some coin. Pampers ain't cheap homey."

"They asked. I told. We plotzed!"

"I got a sack full of gay mail to deliver to gay males which means I no longer have time to save the whales or to sniff Christian Bale's snails. So you could say it took the wind is out of my sails."

"I just canceled my plans to go join the Marines. I was gonna go and join up but now that I might have to get gay married or have sweaty sex with a bull dyke, well that's just too much for me to bear. I want to defend my country and all, but I draw the line at letting some drill sergeant drill me. So instead of leading men into battle or doing whatever them Marines do, I'll go into the family business of providing out of date magazines to the waiting rooms of doctors and dentists."

Kenny boy!

The gay community rejoiced yesterday when Ken Mehlman, the man who led the Republican party during it's most virulently anti gay years, came out. Said one gay male who refused to give his name, "This is huge. Ken's a great get, it's almost like if the late Lee Atwater had come out as black."

Ken Mehlman loved a good cock fight at the Bush White House.

"Sure he might have done a lot of good had he come out while his boss George W. Bush was bashing gays left and right, but damn it, he's out now. Say it loud, Ken's gay and he's proud!," said drag queen Kayla La Queque. "We used to think that we didn't have anyone on the inner circle of the Republican leadership, but we actually had one all along and I'll bet he was cramming his gay agenda down the throat of President Bush and that big bear Karl Rove all along."

There's been no word yet if Mehlman's courageous coming out after he was no longer in power has empowered other self loathing deeply closeted Republicans to come out of the closet. Sweaty heavily muscled men who touch themselves a lot in gyms are eagerly awaiting the news that other Republican men, namely John Ashcroft, Fred Phelps, Newt Gingrich, and Mary Cheney will be out and proud like Mehlman is.

Here's a message from Mitch McConnell (R-KY)

Greetings mah fellow Americans. As you know The Socialist in Chief made his pick to replace Supreme Court Justice Stephens. And he chose Elena Kagan who is probably a lesbian. I base that statement on these facts: Ms. Kagan has never married, she went to one of them fancy Ivy League schools, and she used to play softball. My staff has unearthed this photo of her from her softball days:
As you clearly see she's got a mullet and she's got the homosexual gleam in her devilish eyes. When the time comes America I will question Ms. Kagan on her lesbian activities. She will tell me the truth or I will squeeze her boobies in my manly hands:
In my hands she will be putty, as all women are. She will tell me if she just experimented with girls while in college and if she still muff dives today. I will make her tell me all about it great detail because we all know that one's rug munching skills are what's important on the high court. I'm not against the homosexual agenda as long as as the homosexuals in question are a couple of foxy women. If Kagan comes clean about who makes her cum and if she paints hot sexy word pictures that give me a boner then I'll vote to confirm her. If she makes a healthy deposit in the spank bank in my mind then it's smooth sailing for her, if not then I'm going to sentence her to take a warm soapy shower with Harriet Miers.

That's all for now America, now ya'll get back to work damn it.

Anti gay activist George Rekers sets the record straight

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Massive earthquake hits China

The heartland of China was struck with an earthquake yesterday but you didn't hear about it because the corporate media in this country hates covering anything that's not teabagger related. However word did reach the usual suspects and they reacted pretty much how you'd expect them to:
America's top Christian, Pat Robertson, blamed gay liberals for the earthquake.

The Pope blamed the gay Jews in the media for the earthquake.

These two Israelis blamed gay Palestinians for the earthquake. They then personally bulldozed over two dozen Palestinian homes in an effort to exact revenge.

Two out of three dead war criminals blamed the Dali Lama and his gay Tibetan followers for the earthquake. Kissinger however blamed the same Chilean leftists who caused the earthquake in their home country a few weeks ago.

And Fox News and teabaggers everywhere blamed President Obama for the earthquake, sun spots, and the rash of rabid dogs that are currently infesting major American cities.

When Jesus said to love everyone, he didn't mean gays too did he?

Okay, fat forty something guys like me who generally despise everything Disney spews out of it's corporate ass are not the target demographic for Miley Ray Cyrus and her TV show/movie/singing career. And also I really despise the whole Hannah Montana thing and I despise her father, Billy Ray Cyrus, for being so willing to pimp his underage daughter out so that he can try to save his declining career. You need to understand all that up front. I have no love for either of those hicks or for Disney, but if you like them then that's fine by me, to each his or her own.
But now something has happened that makes me loathe her a little less. I'm not sure where or why she spoke out about gay folks. She basically said that she was a Christian who loves all people, gays included. She reminded people that God's greatest commandment is to love one another, and that includes loving gays as well as straights. That's pretty forward thinking for someone like her. And it's thinking that should be applauded and emulated.

Unless you're in Rev. Donald Wildmon's American Family Association that is. They have condemned Miley Ray for being tolerant, loving, and inclusive. They've come out against a teenage girl for having the gall to remind folks that God is supposed to be love. They're hating it that Miley Ray has a better grasp on the Gospel and teachings of Jesus Christ than their bigoted hateful old asses do. I've read the entire New Testament, and most of the Old, and it says repeatedly that we are supposed to love one another and our enemies. To my mind that pretty much encompasses everyone on the planet including, gays, lesbians, blacks, browns, yellows, reds, Roman Catholics, Methodists, Presbyterians, Lutherans, Jews, Zoroastrians, Muslims, atheists, agnostics, Buddhists, Wiccans, and everyone else.

But somehow the good "Christians" at Rev. Donald Wildmon's American Family Association, which by the way does not represent me or any family I have ever been in, find Miley's love for her fellow men and women somehow wrong and worthy of their scorn. Here's what they had to say about Miley's pronouncement that we are supposed to love everyone whether they are straight or gay:

Such statements will send the wrong message to our children who are influenced by this teenage megastar. Parents need to realize that Cyrus is not the positive role model she was once thought to be.... Clearly she is confused and does not understand the Bible.

Crazy huh? Jesus said to love your neighbor as you love yourself. He said to love your enemies. He said the greatest commandment is love, above all love. And the young Miley gets it. She understands it and is trying to love her life according to the teachings of Jesus. I'm not sure what Bible the AFA is reading but they are the ones who don't understand the Bible most everyone else reads. Nowhere in the New Testament, which supersedes the Old testament if you are a Christian, does it say to hate or demonize or scapegoat gays for all the ills of the world. Nowhere does it say it's okay to hate someone if they love people of their own gender.

Clearly the AFA hates Miley's message of tolerance and inclusion. They must have assumed that because Miley is from the south that she'd be as small minded and hate filled towards gays as they are.

I'm glad Ms. Cyrus proved them wrong. But that doesn't mean I'm about to ever watch her TV show or see the Hannah Montana movie or listen to one of her CD's.

Who says conservatives are obsessed with homosexuals?

Well, I'd say conservatives say it themselves. Check this out, 9 out of ten of the most popular pages on Conservapedia are about teh gay. I bet they'd all be happier if they came out once and for all, maybe they'd fearmonger less as well.

Who's holding our Crunky now?

Superman was holding our Crunky but he dropped it when something homoerotic, oops I mean something different, oh hell, ya know what, I do mean homoerotic after all, came along.

The Soviets...

...turns out they were a different breed from us after all.

And now a few words from Senator Larry Craig REPUBLICAN from Idaho

Good afternoon. I just wanted to tell you once again that I am not gay. As you can see my fine ladywife is here next to me and she is one hot piece of womanhood.

Why would I want to have sex with men, hard bodied well muscled men who emit a sexy musky aroma of hot passion, when I have this lady in my life? She is more than I want, or need. I love kissing her and touching her ladywife boobies and putting my hot swollen man meat between her legs. I do not like the touch of another man, nor do I care for a well rounded man ass that is slightly hairy and oh so tempting. I also do not care for the thought of taking a man like I do my lovely ladywife. I never ever want a man to take me sexually either. No, I do not want a man to kiss me roughly and to turn me around with all his might and to bend me over. I do not want him to then scream out, "I'm going to drive you all the way to Washington DC you big sexy stud." And I promise you I do not want to meet his every thrust with my willing and oh so tender backside. I do not want man seed deep in my anal cavity. No, that is not what I want at all. I want my ladywife to pleasure me in the approved Christian manner. That is what all real Christian Republican men want. We never want sex in public restrooms unless it is forced on us by undercover officers, big strapping sexy black men, and or kinky college students who like to call me "Daddy."

Now if you will excuse us, all this talk about hot man on man sex has gotten me a little randy and so I must go and ravish my ladywife. I must go put my member in her thingy and I will kiss her boobs as well.
Just keep walking and keep your mouth closed kind ladywife of mine, I think they bought it. I really think I got away with it.

William Faulkner wants a word with you

Hey, how ya'll doing? I'm lovely myself, except for these socks, they're hot as hell. I just wanted to let you know that in my day having sex with people where you poop and pee wasn't a bad thing. Why Strom Thrumond and I had many an assignation with many a dusky Negress in the toilets, both public and private.

What's that? The Senator in question who likes sex in privies denies he is of the homosexual bent? Well, we had a saying in my day, we'd say, "You're not really a homosexual if you just put it in your mouth until the swelling goes down." So maybe he falls under that doctrine.

Or maybe he's a hypocritical liar trying to save his lilly white ass.

I really couldn't say, I am, after all, drunk and dead. So you run along now and leave me alone.