Thursday, May 6, 2010

Anti gay activist George Rekers sets the record straight

Christian greetings to all of you! And a big thank you to Dr. Monkey for letting me set the record straight about my recent vacation with a male prostitute.

Okay, first of all there is a little thing in our Bible that says ya'll can't judge me. And Jesus talked a lot about forgiveness. So where's my non judging lest ye be judged and my forgiveness at? Well?

Secondly, the website where I got that guy who went on my vacation is named Hello? Doesn't that sound like a place where you'd find guys who lift luggage for you and shit? How was I supposed to know that the term 'rent boy' meant hard bodied tight bunned well hung hairless homosexual? I'm a Christian after all, I'm not up to date on pansy slang you know. I thought it was a website for young butlers.

Thirdly, I only found out he was a homosexual when he started sucking my penis. And being the nice courteous man I am, it seemed rude to stop him when he started it so I let him finish. Same thing when he penetrated my anus. He seemed like he was having so much fun it was unchristian of me to stop him. And all the while he was furiously pumping me I was silently praying for him and his ilk. Why at one point I shouted out, "Oh God!" and "Sweet Jesus!" So you see I was trying to save his soul.

Fourthly, doesn't it seem suspicious to you the timing of the release of this information? Wasn't the world caught up in the Roman Catholic church's sex scandals before the liberal media started blabbing about me? Who had the most to gain from my ass being splashed all over the front page of the newspaper? That's right, the Catholics. They set me up. The Vatican planted the idea in my head to get this rent boy and then they called the media when I got back in order to take the heat off them. Disgusting behavior on their part isn't it? I'll pray for their lying idolatrous souls later tonight.

Fifthly, I really need my job back. I'm out a ton of cash. Have you ever went on vacation with a homosexual? Those bastards aren't cheap. So I'll tell ya what, I'll pray and ask Jesus to forgive me and I'm sure he will, since he forgives everybody after all, and then when I get done praying, find me a mannish looking woman to marry, preferably one who is hairy, and I'll marry her and then I'll be straight again! Not that I was ever gay or anything mind you.

So there you go. I'm willing to put all this behind me so we can start persecuting queers again, just like Jesus wants us to. Are you all willing to let it go? I sure hope so.

Now if you'll forgive me, I need to dash because the pastry I ordered off of is here and it's probably jam packed with creamy filling that needs to be sucked out before it goes bad. I'll see you all in church!

Bye now!


travelingman said...

PRICELESS! ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!! The catholics for once have been outdone and I love it.

Wings said...

Great as usual, Doc. That last paragraph had me spittin' coffee!

Logical Libby said...

That totally explains it. And if he kept his wedding ring on then it really doesn't count.

bitethebedbugs said...

ahahahah. you are hilarious.

Megan said...


gmb said...

You are a very funny man, Dr. Monkey.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said... tell him you butt munching hypocrite. Blame it all on the rent boys. It's always those damn Muslim Socialist rent boys ruining our gay ol' times.