Question of the day

Today's question comes to us from my blog buddy Liberality. Lib asks: Do you ever get monkey butt?

Yes, I've got to admit sometimes I do get monkey butt. Mostly in the dead of summer when it's hot and humid and I am active outside. But I also get a red ass over such things as dirty greedy doctors who refuse to help out people when they need it, hypocrite politicians, disaster capitalists, corporate media talking heads, people who threaten and who are mean to children, slow card players on Yahoo, the New York Yankees, sports cheaters, jingoistic country music singers, studios who greenlight bad movies, bat shit crazy fundamentalist evangelicals, anyone who wears Harley Davidson apparel, excessive tattoos that are going to sag like crazy one day on middle age bodies and look like shit, wanna be hippy chick check out girls in organic food stores who sneer at me because they think I am a Republican because I have short hair and wear glasses, willfully ignorant people, racists of all stripes, bad interpretive dancers, free markets zealots, people who back Ron Paul because they think if he gets elected that they won't have to pay taxes anymore, people who claim that government is not the solution that it is the problem, people who claim Ronald Reagan's presidency was just peachy keen and that we should go back to those halcyon days, people who don't use spell check on in their emails or on their blogs, Rankin and Bass cartoons, cranky monkeys, and Belgians.

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Thanks for sending in that great question Lib!

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You can still get your question answered this month if you send it to me at monkeymuck(at)gmail(dot)com. I still need a few more questions to round out this month's question a day feature.

Question of the day

Today's question comes to us from Blind "Mississippi Hand Job" Johnson. Blind had someone send in this query: "Recently, I went blind from masturbating, is there any way I can get my sight back?" First off Blind, it was pretty fortuitous that your parents named you "Blind," seeing (pun intended) as how you went blind and all.


Second, were you masturbating while watching someone doing some arc welding or something? Is that why you went blind? Or maybe you tossed lye in your eyes when you climaxed? Because I got to tell ya guy, I've had a long history of "roughing up my suspect" and I never went blind because of it. In fact, if I hadn't "dusted the demon" all those times I would have went blind from the back log of baby batter in my once youthful loins.


Finally Blind, I don't see much hope of you regaining your sight. So I suggest that you dig deep in the spank bank in your head and you flog your log as much as you like. Why not, the damage has been done so you might as well have some fun.


Thanks for sending in your question Blind! I hope someone with a very sexy voice reads you my reply!


I'm taking most any question on most any topic all month long. Send in your burning questions to monkeymuck(at)gmail(dot)com. I'm answering questions in the order in which they were sent so if I have not gotten to your question yet, hang in there I'll get to it soon.

Question of the day

Today's question of the day comes to us from Jess Wundrun. Her question is: Chimpanzees and gorillas have no tails. Monkeys have tails. Chimpanzees and gorillas are among the smartest animals on the planet. Is it the tail that is holding the monkey back?

Good question Jess. (Don't think I don't know what you're trying to do here young lady, this is another in your attempts at causing wider rifts between me and my fellow simians!) Actually Jess, nothing is "holding" us monkeys back. We monkeys are worshipped as gods in India,
and classic children's books have been written about us.
I could be wrong but I never heard of any one worshipping the "Chimp God" and I've never seen or read The Little Gorilla Who Could.

I shouldn't be doing this but since I am one of the most intelligent monkeys alive I'll go ahead and tell you that at the last World Monkey Congress we voted to let chimps and gorillas do all the grunt work when the apes take over and then we monkeys, along with a few gibbons, will swoop in and take control. We'll then spare any descendants of bloggers I like from Dr. Zaius's lobotomies.

Thanks for sending your question in Jess! Want to see your burning question answered? Well smart guy, you've got to send one in first! Send in your questions this January to monkeymuckATgmailDOTcom and I'll do my best to answer them if I can.

And now some burning questions from a 1955 Good Housekeeping magazine

Please answer as honestly as possible.