White people react to President Obama's speech on immigration

"I hope they do give them illegals amnesty like Obama wants, maybe if they do Jose will come back and be a father to our kids once more."

"I'm ready to disobey anything our commander in chief says."

"I didn't hear his speech, I was too busy praying for his death."

"I like pie."

"He wants to go it alone huh, why is that?  Is it because he doesn't want to work with Congress to deny citizenship to all those brown skinned bastards?  He's so arrogant."

"I'm worried those illegals might try to touch my vajingo."

"Everything is changed now.  Life is upside down.  I had to give my high paying dish washing job up to a Mexican dude who forced me to gay marry him.  God damn you Obama!"

"It's our Christian duty to take them all in and let them live and work here.  If we didn't they'd go to Canada where they'd get soft from all that socialized medicine and poutine."

Hey, what's wrong?

"I'm mad that someone pixelated the good parts of those nude Jennifer Lawrence photos that got leaked online.  But dang, she's got an Oscar winning butt, doesn't she?"

 "I'm mad Mexicans are taking all the lucrative produce picking, dish washing, and landscaping jobs from hard working Americans.  I'm also mad that Obama loves them illegal immigrants so much that he's forcing schools in the USA to teach Spanish!"

 "The general malaise of life has got me down.  Perhaps a drug or a sex addiction will help me crawl out of my depression."

 "What's wrong?  Really?  I'm in a fucking iron lung and you're asking me what's wrong.  How about fuck off.  That's what's wrong."

 "Billy's breath smells like something dead ate a horseshit pie that skunks have jizzed all over and my wife has been abducted by aliens, that's what's wrong.  Oh, and we're the only color illustration in this post."

"We have to live in a world where instead of teaching men not to rape, people blame us for dressing like sluts and drinking too much if we get raped."  

It's time for another episode of: The Adventures of Randy Felcher, Private Investigator

Today's episode: The Case of the Missing Christian!

The TV was blaring reports about an influx of child refugees from central America that were allegedly pouring in over the border from Mexico.  Even more troubling were the reports that Christians were up in arms over these kids coming in to the USA, apparently they didn't like having to shelter people on the run from crime ridden corrupt countries.  Like all good Americans I took what I heard on the TV machine with a grain of salt, so I had to find out for myself why these Christians were objecting to taking these kids in and and helping them.

So I turned off my TV, loaded up my car with a few changes of clothes, a case of liquor and some hardcore gay porn to lure the Christian ministers into talking to me and I high tailed it down to the Mexican border. 

I drove all day and all night and I finally got there just after midnight.  I checked into a motel and I set out to find a Christian to talk to.

Once I cracked open a bottle of rot gut vodka and I tossed open a copy of Bum Chums Monthly a Baptist minister flagged me down.

I didn't beat around the bush and I certainly didn't let him beat around mine, and after he got done dumping poison down a well on an Indian reservation, we sat down to talk.  He told me that he was opposed to letting in those 'illegals' because they were Catholics, they wanted to steal our jobs, defile our women, spread germs, and take away all the high paying service sector jobs from white Americans.  He told me with as straight a face as he could muster that Jesus wouldn't let those kids in if he was alive and living in the USA today. 

"You got one thing right amigo," I said between slugs of the vodka, "Jesus sure as hell isn't alive in the USA today, because assholes like you killed him."  

He didn't take kindly to my words of wisdom.  He told me that even though he was mad at me for insulting him and his religion, that he'd still blow me but he wasn't going to enjoy it and he certainly wasn't going to waste his time praying for me while he did it. 

"Whatever," I said as he began his business.  Then I heard a woman calling out his name.  He said, "Oh shit, it's my wife!"  He jumped up and ran off into the pitch black Texas night.

"My husband wasn't out here blowing you was he?"

I stammered for a moment then I said, "Look!"  

We both watched in amazement as a flying saucer hovered over us for about fifteen minutes.  Then a door on it opened and an alien spoke to us.  It said, "We been scanning your planet for signs of intelligent life for about fifty years now.  And we can safely say that after all the anal probes, after all the abductions we've done, and all the TV and movies of yours we've watched, there's nothing here we want or need but we're not heartless bastards like you people are, so we're going to take those kids from central America who you all won't let in your country.  We're going to raise them and mold them into a race of super intelligent Hispanic humans who will one day come back and subjugate you to their will.  You dumb fuckers had your chance to do the right thing and take them in but you blew it.  So we'll take what some consider to be trash and turn them into treasure that will one day rule your pathetic world."  

As the minister's wife and I stumbled in a fugue like state towards my car and the case of liquor, we heard a giant sucking sound as the aliens beamed up all those kids.  What could we do except get shitfaced and wait for the day those kids and their descendants came back to rule over us.  So that's what we did, she and I.  

We reported her husband missing and after seven years we had him declared legally dead and she and I have stayed drunk ever since.  And through all these years, after everything we've been through, after all those bottles of liquor, after all the blackouts and the alcohol poisoning, I still have yet to learn her name.  

Talking heads talk about a talking head

 "Newt Gingrich said that the USA can't absorb all those young Hispanic immigrants from central America."

 "Holy shit, he didn't.  Did he?"

 "He sure did.  But remember he's the guy who said tax cuts stimulate the economy, that we had to impeach Clinton, that marriage equality harms kids, and that we had to go to war in Iraq or else the Muslims would come and kill us all becuase of our freedom."

"So basically he's wrong again."

"Yep.  The serial divorcer, fornicator, and adulterer is wrong again.  Go figure."

"It's a good thing no sane people actually take him seriously anymore."

"Our heads are empty and we're still smarter than that bloviating moron."

The John Birch Society proudly presents: How an Illegal Mexican Becomes an American

(This post is also available as a graduate level course from Glenn Beck University.)
Greetings fellow white people. I'm Dr. Basil Boddy and I've spent my life studying the wily elusive illegal immigrant and their Communist ways. What I'm about to show you may shock some and titillate others but I can assure you it's all true!

The illegal Mexican to legal American journey begins in the homes of the illegals. They are told stories from birth about the wondrous magical land that is the USA.:
And they are shown all the photos of all the family members who made it across the border and into America. The children are told the tales of how their relatives take away high paying farm jobs from God fearing white Americans. They are also told how to take advantage of our free public schools and free clinics once they hit our country.

With their heads full of the Jesus blessed promise of America the children of Mexico must decide if they want to follow in the footsteps of other illegals and come to the USA where they can steal everything they can get their brown hands on or if they want to stay in Mexico and go to work for the drug and sombrero cartels.
If they decide they want to come to our country, they are trained to jump up and down on our flag, the Declaration of Independence, and our beloved Constitution. And after they are steeped in Marxism, Leninism, Papism, and step aerobics, they are forced to eat hamburgers until they vomit.
And when they vomit, they are made to vomit on our flag, our Constitution, and on photos of a nude Betty White.
Once they reach the proper height, somewhere around 4 and a half feet tall, they are packed in the trunks of the electric cars that are owned by limp wristed blame America first liberals.
The cars cruise through customs because President Obama wants this nation of ours to be flooded with brown skinned people like himself. But sometimes a courageous Christian conservative border guard breaks ranks and he carries out his job correctly, and when that happens the illegals use their Communist training and they become masters of disguise in order to come into our heaven kissed land:
Once across the border the illegal Mexican children shun work in the mines, the sweat shops, and the bordellos and they head for our public schools, which are already hotbeds for Darwinism, Methodism, and the gay agenda. They come to our schools with the blessing and support of the fat cat teachers union, the National Education Association aka the NEA.
Once firmly ensconced in our school system they sass teachers, eat free lunches, and force schools to teach our children their gutter language.
They also use up more then their fair share of school supplies while they try to impregnate our virginal white school girls. Their goal is to get our rosy cheeked school girls with the creamy thighs and taut flat tummies that have just a whisp of hair that begins below their young navels and extends down to their 'penis fly traps' knocked up with their devil spawn.
With our teens knocked up they then begin using more and more of our social services and they drop pills into our water supply. These pills make us drowsy, droopy, and too weak willed to work more than one job a day, which thereby opens up more jobs their fellow traveler illegal countrymen can steal when they get to our country.

And when they've knocked up our young women, stolen our social services, and obtained jobs for their friends, then and only then begins the final indignity:
forced gay race mixing on the day they obtain citizenship.

Yes, this is all quite shocking and it's all quite true. We've seen it happen a thousand times in our heads while sitting around after a good old fashioned circle jerk for Jesus at John Birch HQ. It's all very scary but we can stop it if only we can gain control of the liberal media, break the unions, shout down the environmental wackos, and force everyone to become an evangelical Christian. Won't you join us? Won't you help save America from the godless gay Mexican Marxist Communists?

Crazy is as crazy does

Tom Tancredo, former Congressman and former Republican party Presidential hopeful, said that President Obama is hiding his real birth certificate to make the teabaggers look like they are 'nuts.'
Seriously Tom, President Obama doesn't need to do anything to make you and the teabaggers look like nuts. You folks do a great job of that on your own.
Now, shouldn't you and the rest of your teabagger crew head to Arizona so you can point out all the people with brown skin that need to be stopped by the cops? Or perhaps you can go protest all that wasteful Defense Department spending. Or better yet, take to the streets to call for an end to the wars of terror and occupation of Iraq and Afghanistan that caused our current deficit.

Or you can keep talking and showing the world what an idiot you are. It's your choice.

Hey young lady...

...why are you so sad? Is it because it's cold outside?
Nope.
Is it because you have that haircut?
Nah, and I like this haircut by the way.
Sorry. Is it because you have lots of holiday gifts to buy and little money to buy them with?
No.
What's bothering you then?
The President of this country is an idiot who almost took us to war with Iran over a nuclear program they didn't have and he knew they didn't have it the whole time he was saying that crazy bull jive stuff and I think he should be impeached. But since Jesus didn't say nothin' about impeachment in the Bible, the poopy pants peons in Washington DC won't do anything to get rid of Bush. That's why I'm bummed out. Oh yeah, I'm also bummed out because my mom and dad work three jobs each to keep a roof over our heads and they pay a higher percentage of their income in taxes then the rich people and the corporations do. Oh yeah, and the fact that the politicians and racists and media pundits insist on persecuting the brown people who come to this country to work while they also demonize the poor has me pretty steamed too. And don't get me started on my boobs not growing any faster.
Ok then. (Sheesh, I'm sorry I asked.)
I heard that.

A Dr. Monkey Movie Review

We watched this movie last night:It's a fine documentary about the "Lost Boys" of the Sudan. For those of you who do not know, the lost boys (and yes, there are lost girls too) are people who were displaced by the Sudanese war between the Muslim north Sudanese and the Christian south Sudanese. The "lost" peoples were mere children when the fighting broke out and they escaped first to Ethiopia and then to Kenya. Some made their way to the USA and were resettled here. This film follows a groups of them in their first years here in the USA and it also tells the heartbreaking story of what happened to them before they came here. It's well worth your time and I recommend it highly.
As I watched this film about these immigrants to our country, I saw how they worked two, sometimes three jobs to make better life for themselves. I was struck by how hard working they are, how law abiding they are, and how respectful of the culture and laws of this country they are. It reminded me of how hard working undocumented and other documented workers from other American countries are. Then I got to wondering about why so many people want to stop people who look like this from living and working here. As the film progressed I went through some questions in my mind about why others, mostly white people, want to keep others from achieving the so called American dream.

Do they want to keep the Americans from other countries out because they are criminals and law breakers? Well the truth is most all workers who come from other American countries work too hard and want to stay in the country too much to go about committing crimes that will get them sent back home. They work two, three, sometimes more jobs to make a life and to send money back home, so it makes no sense to say they are here to steal, cheat, and murder others.


Maybe they want to keep them out because they take jobs from citizens of the USA? Nope. The jobs they mostly take are not jobs that most USA citizens want. And the employers who employ them are often looking for non citizens to work so that they can pay them little and exploit them. Most citizens of the USA would not work in the fields harvesting fruits and vegetables or some of the other back breaking work Americans from other American countries do. So that's another myth exploded.

Do these anti immigrant people want to keep the other Americans out because they are taking government benefits from them? Well, most of the anti immigration citizens of the USA work jobs that pay them too much money to qualify them for any assistance that undocumented workers might get. So they must be concerned about those brown skinned people taking benefits from the poor Americans, right? Nope. Most of the people who support draconian immigration reform could care less about the poor and they want less of their tax money to go to programs that help the poor.

Do the anti immigration people want to stop all immigration? Surely they must since they work so hard to keep one group out, they must want to keep all groups of immigrants out. Nope. None of them raise a the slightest hue or cry about people from Europe emigrating to the good old USA and none of them bitch about people from Japan or many other Asian countries coming over. It seems it's only the people who speak Spanish that they want to keep out.


So it's the language right? They think that with all the Americans from Spanish speaking American countries coming in that English, or more correctly American, is going to be displaced as the native language. Wrong again. The pattern of immigrant language is this: the first generation of immigrants speaks their native tongue, their children speak it less, and finally their grandchildren speak almost none of it. In the end American English triumphs, just like it did in the face of the Irish invasion, the Italian invasion, the Eastern European invasion, the Japanese invasion, and the Chinese invasion.

So why then do the anti immigrant forces hate the Spanish speaking Americans from other American countries so much? Well, it's simple really, since there are enough jobs for all of us, since there is enough money for benefits for all of us, and since they all eventually will learn to speak American English, they hate them because they are brown skinned and like some Americans throughout history have done, they hate anyone not white. It's all about racism. And when they say it's not, yes it is. If it wasn't then they want to round up immigrants from Sweden, Finland, Scotland, Ireland, Australia, France, Italy, Bulgaria, and other countries where whites come from and send them back. They don't, they only want to send back brown skinned people who got screwed by NAFTA, their own government, and by this country and the multi national corporations that we let run amok here. I'm sure the few anti immigrant bloggers who read me will leave all kinds of comments telling how wrong I am but no matter what they say, racism is behind the current anti immigration frenzy, just like all anti immigration frenzies of the past.

As I the movie wound down to it's conclusion I thought to myself, "Man, if the anti immigration wing nuts hate Mexican people so much, these guys from Sudan don't stand a chance. They're darker than anyone who was ever born in Mexico or Guatemala, or Nicaragua."

But then I remembered how good and decent most of the citizens of this country are and how we end up gladly absorbing anyone who comes to this country to live and work and to make a better life for themselves. And I also remembered that a few weeks ago the supposed hot button issue of immigration was not an issue at all in the off year election in Virginia because the anti immigrant candidates didn't win, the good guys did for a change.

Meet Palak

Palak is the six year old daughter of the Indian couple who run the Citgo where we buy gas, beer, and Powerball tickets. I know it's cliche these days for an Indian couple from India to run a convenience store but Nick and Katie (that's their Americanized names, one day maybe Nick will tell me their real names but I'm not gonna hold my breath) are a nice hardworking couple who are in this country legally and who are trying to live their version of the American dream.

Their daughter Palak is a beautiful little girl, in fact if you ever see her in person she will take your breath away she is so cute. She is a chatter box as well, the only time I have heard her be quiet was when she was eating. When she does her non stop talking she switches back and forth between Hindi and English, she'll say something to her parents, both of whom speak fluent English by the way, in Hindi and then in the next breath she'll start singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star with a Southern accent. One day when I was in their store she was talking very fast to her exasperated Dad in Hindi and then a policeman who was in the store asked how she was doing. She looked up at him with her big brown eyes and she said, "Ahm fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnne." I nearly cracked up.
What I will never be able to wrap my brain around is this: people like Tom Tancredo and Pat Robertson hate people like Nick and Katie and Palak. They hate them even though Nick and his family never did a damn thing to them. Tancredo and Robertson hate them because they have brown skin and they were born outside of this country. They hate beautiful little Palak despite the fact that her parents work their asses off running a small business that pays taxes which go to pay for Tancredo's salary and for Robertson's Social Security and Medicare.

Personally I love Nick, Katie, and Palak. To me they embody the American dream, they wanted something different, something better so they came to America to live and work, and they contribute more to the fabric of this country than either of those old white hate mongers. We need more people like Nick and his family over here and less of the assholes like Robertson and Tancredo.

After no deliberation with anyone I'm naming Palak the official kid of this blog. Congrats Palak!