I got schooled

I had this conversation with a five year old girl and her mother yesterday:

Girl: What's this? (holding up a round black seed)
Me: It's bird poop.
Girl: No it isn't.
Me How you do you know it isn't?
Girl: (with an air of superiority) Because it's not squishy.
Girl's mom: Dude, you got scienced.

Kids say the darndest things about current events

"Yes, I have been in a behind closed doors meeting with my local parish priest. Was it the fact that I'm buttoning up my shirt or the fact that I'll be traumatized about being fondled by a 'man of god' for the rest of my life that gave it away?"

"My hair wouldn't have so much static in it if we didn't let those illegals open so darn many Taco Bells. How long must we God fearing children of teabaggers be forced to eat that crap? Let's send Taco Bell back to Mexico where it came from!"

"Science tells me that God doesn't exist. Well, I told science to go fuck itself and my sister ratted me out to my hot tempered parents. Then I got spanked and got my mouth washed out with soap. So all in all it's been a pretty full day for me."

"When I grow up I hope Rand and Ron Paul, the oil gusher in the Gulf, and the Twilight series are all just bad memories. And I hope you don't use my picture again in this post."

" You bastard."

"This aquatic interlude was brought to you by BP. Oh wait. No, it wasn't. If I had been brought to you by BP then I'd be oil covered and gasping for air."

"This is the 5000th time Dr. Monkey has done one of these kinds of posts. How freakin' deep is his 'comedy' well anyway?"

"My neck has been attacked by an Israeli commando force. They claim it wanted to give humanitarian aid to the Palestinians which is in direct violation of the Bible, Hillary Clinton, and the talking heads at Fox Noise."

What do the youth of America have to say to and about me?

"When my plan for world domination comes together Dr. Monkey, you'd better watch out."

"Dude, get that thing out of my face, can't you see I'm eating?"

"I'm gonna get you!"

"Yes, I am this cute. Can you believe it? But hey, look here Dr. Monkey, you're a big old fat white dude and you're ruining my chances with the ladies, so how about you run along and let a playa do his thang. Thanks man, I mean it."

What does your dad do?

"He scans stupid stuff all day, watches too much TV at night, tells bad jokes, cooks some good stuff sometimes, and he farts a lot."

Quinn wants you all to know something

"I kicked Monkerstein's booty in disc golf today. I beat him by ten strokes! Sure I've got a two shot handicap but come on, I would have trashed him either way. Oh and the next time I'm on here I better be in a post where I'm close to some hot chicks like the ones in this post, or I'm suing."

Conversations at a shoe store

Here's part of a conversation I had with a five year old girl at a local shoe store today, her mother was sitting behind me trying on shoes while the young lady and I talked:

Me: (After seeing her give the stink eye to the style of shoe that I was lacing up and getting ready to try on.) What?  Do you think it's ugly?

Little Girl: (Nodding.)  Yep.  It's real ugly.

Me:  You know what?  I think you're right.  I was wavering on whether to buy this style or not.  

Little Girl:  You don't supposed to wear that kind of shoe in summer anyway. (I was looking at hiking shoes.)  You is supposed to wear flip flops or sandals only.

Me:  Oh ok.  (I looked down and noticed that she was barefoot.)  Are you here to buy shoes too?

Little Girl:  Nope.  My brother is getting some football shoes.

Me:  You better get some shoes too, yours appear to be gone.

Little Girl:  Oh no, I wore my sparkly sandals and I took them off over there.  (She pointed to a little pair of sandals next to her mother's purse.)

Me:  Oh ok.

Her Mother:  Lexi, get over here and put your sandals on young lady, we need to go now.

Me:  (To the little girl.) It was nice chatting with you.

Little Girl:  You too.  Don't buy those ugly ones, okay?

Me:  Okay.  Thanks for looking out for me.

Little Girl:  (With a huge smile.)  You're welcome.

Give it up for my young friend Quinn!

Dude won first place in his 5th grade science fair!  Way to go Quinn!

Thanks Dr. Monkey.  But, well, uh, umm....

Yes?  What is it Quinn?

I still don't like being on your blog man.  

Sorry.

And don't ever call me "dude" again.

Hey young lady...

...why are you so sad? Is it because it's cold outside?
Nope.
Is it because you have that haircut?
Nah, and I like this haircut by the way.
Sorry. Is it because you have lots of holiday gifts to buy and little money to buy them with?
No.
What's bothering you then?
The President of this country is an idiot who almost took us to war with Iran over a nuclear program they didn't have and he knew they didn't have it the whole time he was saying that crazy bull jive stuff and I think he should be impeached. But since Jesus didn't say nothin' about impeachment in the Bible, the poopy pants peons in Washington DC won't do anything to get rid of Bush. That's why I'm bummed out. Oh yeah, I'm also bummed out because my mom and dad work three jobs each to keep a roof over our heads and they pay a higher percentage of their income in taxes then the rich people and the corporations do. Oh yeah, and the fact that the politicians and racists and media pundits insist on persecuting the brown people who come to this country to work while they also demonize the poor has me pretty steamed too. And don't get me started on my boobs not growing any faster.
Ok then. (Sheesh, I'm sorry I asked.)
I heard that.

Quinn's back and he has a question

Actually, fat head, I have two questions. Why am I on here again after I asked you to stop putting my photo on your blog? And my follow up question is, what are you getting me for Christmas?

Well, Quinn, I'll be honest, I'm using you for a cheap laugh.

And to answer your second question, I'll be getting you the same thing I got you last year, but this year I'll be getting you twice as much of it! Happy War on Christmas little buddy!

Quinn would like a word with you

"Would someone tell this fat guy to stop putting this picture of me on his blog? Seriously, I'm sick of being on here. I'd rather be on something cool like a rerun of the Nickelodeon show 'Figure It Out,' which was hosted by Olympic gold medalist and blonde hottie Summer Sanders.
Is she working that Speedo or what?
And she's working that leather jacket/t-shirt/jeans combo too. So now you can see why I'd rather be on a rerun with her than on here with the fez wearing dude in a tutu. Oh yeah, I'd like more tater tots at lunch too."

Someone wants a word with you

It's bad enough you stuck me in a polo shirt, did you have to turn the collar up too? And what's up with these sandals? Do you want me to develop a shoe complex later in life or what? Ok, now that we've got that out of the way you need to lay off the shitty Kool Aid flavors and ease up on the squash. Schedule me more play dates with that Hispanic hottie down the block and let me watch Where the Wild Things Are whenever I want and I promise to be a good boy. Oh one more thing, I'm sitting on a full load here, would it kill you to change my freakin' diaper?