Wednesday, July 16, 2014

It's time for another episode of: The Adventures of Randy Felcher, Private Investigator

Today's episode: The Case of the Missing Christian!

The TV was blaring reports about an influx of child refugees from central America that were allegedly pouring in over the border from Mexico.  Even more troubling were the reports that Christians were up in arms over these kids coming in to the USA, apparently they didn't like having to shelter people on the run from crime ridden corrupt countries.  Like all good Americans I took what I heard on the TV machine with a grain of salt, so I had to find out for myself why these Christians were objecting to taking these kids in and and helping them.

So I turned off my TV, loaded up my car with a few changes of clothes, a case of liquor and some hardcore gay porn to lure the Christian ministers into talking to me and I high tailed it down to the Mexican border. 

I drove all day and all night and I finally got there just after midnight.  I checked into a motel and I set out to find a Christian to talk to.
Once I cracked open a bottle of rot gut vodka and I tossed open a copy of Bum Chums Monthly a Baptist minister flagged me down.
I didn't beat around the bush and I certainly didn't let him beat around mine, and after he got done dumping poison down a well on an Indian reservation, we sat down to talk.  He told me that he was opposed to letting in those 'illegals' because they were Catholics, they wanted to steal our jobs, defile our women, spread germs, and take away all the high paying service sector jobs from white Americans.  He told me with as straight a face as he could muster that Jesus wouldn't let those kids in if he was alive and living in the USA today. 
"You got one thing right amigo," I said between slugs of the vodka, "Jesus sure as hell isn't alive in the USA today, because assholes like you killed him."  
He didn't take kindly to my words of wisdom.  He told me that even though he was mad at me for insulting him and his religion, that he'd still blow me but he wasn't going to enjoy it and he certainly wasn't going to waste his time praying for me while he did it. 
"Whatever," I said as he began his business.  Then I heard a woman calling out his name.  He said, "Oh shit, it's my wife!"  He jumped up and ran off into the pitch black Texas night.

"My husband wasn't out here blowing you was he?"
I stammered for a moment then I said, "Look!"  
We both watched in amazement as a flying saucer hovered over us for about fifteen minutes.  Then a door on it opened and an alien spoke to us.  It said, "We been scanning your planet for signs of intelligent life for about fifty years now.  And we can safely say that after all the anal probes, after all the abductions we've done, and all the TV and movies of yours we've watched, there's nothing here we want or need but we're not heartless bastards like you people are, so we're going to take those kids from central America who you all won't let in your country.  We're going to raise them and mold them into a race of super intelligent Hispanic humans who will one day come back and subjugate you to their will.  You dumb fuckers had your chance to do the right thing and take them in but you blew it.  So we'll take what some consider to be trash and turn them into treasure that will one day rule your pathetic world."  

As the minister's wife and I stumbled in a fugue like state towards my car and the case of liquor, we heard a giant sucking sound as the aliens beamed up all those kids.  What could we do except get shitfaced and wait for the day those kids and their descendants came back to rule over us.  So that's what we did, she and I.  

We reported her husband missing and after seven years we had him declared legally dead and she and I have stayed drunk ever since.  And through all these years, after everything we've been through, after all those bottles of liquor, after all the blackouts and the alcohol poisoning, I still have yet to learn her name.  

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