You know times are tough when...

...Jesus Christ has to get a job after he comes back to earth. At least he's co-owner though, yep he's got that going for him.

Behold the face of god!

Isn't he awesome?  It's no wonder you people worship him so much.

(Fez tip to the great folks in this Flickr photo pool.)

The true message of easter

I'm sorry to inform you all that this morning Jesus rose from the dead, walked outside the cave, and he saw his shadow. That means we've got to put up with another year of christianity. Damn.

Damn Heretics

Meet the Cathars.They were a group of people who didn't believe the exact same things in the exact same way of the prevailing religious authorities back in medieval times. They believed in a more gentle faith that spoke about respect for all living things and not just for humans. They eschewed the dietary mores of the day and they advocated a diet that was low in killing of living things and high in the eating of vegetables and breads. They wanted no part of fighting or going to war, they believed in peace and they took seriously the commandment that said, "Thou shall not kill." The bottom line was the Cathars believed in peace and non violence all the way around, peace towards other humans and peace towards animals.

This all of course pissed off people at Catholic HQ in Rome. They told the Cathars that they must bring their faith in line with the teachings of the mother church or they'd face excommunication. The Cathars said, and I'm paraphrasing here, "Fine, excommunicate us. We believe we're following God's word and you aren't, so what you say doesn't matter. We're going to live how we like and do what's best for us."

The folks at Catholic HQ in Rome said, and again I'm paraphrasing, "Oh hell no you won't." The Cathars were then not only excommunicated, they were hunted down and slaughtered for daring to believe something different from the theocratic leadership. There was one point when some Cathars were trapped with others in a church who may or may not have been followers of their doctrine and when the commanding Papal army person was asked if the Papal army soldiers should try to sort out who was and who was not a Cathar before the mass murder took place, the Papal commander infamously said, and I am not paraphrasing here, "Kill them all. God will know his own."

And that's the problem with theocracies in my opinion. If you don't believe the same things as the religious group in charge then you're going to be persecuted and perhaps killed. It happens in every theocracy sooner or later. In fact it's happening here in this country now and we're not a full blown theocracy yet. Senator Obama's minister is singled out for daring to have opinions that differ from the ones most of the mainstream churches have and now he's being hounded and persecuted for it, for the record I agree with most of what he said and whether you believe it or not we got attacked on September 11, 2001 not because terrorists hate our freedom but because we've supported oppressive regimes in the Middle East for many many years and because we treat people with brown and black skin like they are shit. On the other hand people who have made more hateful and insanely inflammatory remarks like Pat Robertson and John Hagge are not persecuted, they are applauded and lauded for being courageous enough to speak out.

Only when we get religion out of government all together can all our beliefs be safeguarded. I could care less if you choose to believe in Jesus or Buddha or Golems or Vishnu or Allah or the Flying Spaghetti Monster. As long as you keep those beliefs out of the sphere of government and you don't put one religion or belief system above any other then we'll all be fine. If we keep all religion out of government then all religions can concentrate on the thing they like to do best, hating atheists like me.

With friends like these who needs enemies

I watched this documentary the other night:
When it first came out I read an angry editorial in USA Today about it. The author bitched about how Ms. Pelosi, and yes her mom is the Nancy Pelosi, only put interviews with nut job evangelicals in it and that she did not bother to put in any interviews with "normal" believers. I felt as I read it that the author was a whiny Christian complainer who would not be happy with any film about his religion, and after seeing the film last night I was indeed correct.

The film is far from being a "hit job" on religious believers, Ms. Pelosi goes out of her way to be even handed and to allow the people she interviews to say exactly what they want to say. And her interview subjects take every opportunity to sound like the extremist right wingers they are. The late Jerry Fallwell hangs himself with every word that escapes his greasy lips and the footage of her interviews with Ted Haggard are truly creepy and sanctimonious in the light of the double life he was living. It's almost too easy to laugh at him as he spouts that he and his evangelical brethren have the moral high ground when you know he was getting hand jobs and gawd knows what else from a male escort. My favorite line of his from the movie was when he was going on about how many upstanding evangelicals were in the government of George W. Bush, when he said that I thought, "Hmmm, no wonder Chimpy's reign has been such a disaster."

The other thing that got to me as I watched was how many times the people interviewed kept saying they were looking forward to when Jesus came back and oh how hap-hap-happy everything will be for only the true believers then. Well folks, I got news for you, Jesus already came back. He's been back many many times and you people keep killing him over and over again. He came back in the form of Sojourner Truth as she led people to freedom. He came back as Mohandas Gandhi as he helped his people become free of their colonial oppressors. He came back as Steven Biko and he got killed in South Africa. He came back as Martin Luther King, Jr and he got shot in Memphis. He came back as the Cantonsville Nine and you put them into prison for a time. He came back as the nurse who helped your dying brother/sister/cousin in the AIDS hospice. He came back as crack addled woman who had sense enough to give her children to her mother to raise so they'd have a shot at a somewhat normal childhood. He came back as the undocumented Mexican woman who got hired to be a nanny to some rich person's kids and who ended up loving and caring more for those kids than their biological parents. He came back as the guy who picked you up hitchhiking that hot day when your car broke down. He came back as the guy who held my gashed to the bone and bloody left forearm together while we waited on the ambulance to take me to the hospital when I was 18. He came back as the Afghan woman who disobeyed the Taliban and taught her daughters to read. He came back as the South American priest who practiced "liberation theology" in his parish. He came back as the war of terror protestor that got locked up for having the audacity to cross the powers that be. He came back as the Rawandan baby who got hacked to death in the Hutu/Tutsi conflict. He came back as the gay teenager who started a support group for other gay teens so they'd all have at least one place where they'd be free from hate and intolerance. But the evangelicals in this movie were too fucking blind to see all those times when Jesus came back and they'll have hell to pay when they have to face their final judgement for not helping out Jesus when he was here all those times.

I highly recommend you see this short documentary. And if you are a Christian, I hope you see this and do the opposite of what these people do.

With apologies to John Prine

We now present Jesus: The Missing Years.

Young blonde Jesus was hunky. Too bad he died for our sins before he got his cherry busted.

A Little Help Please

My friend and fellow traveller Rev. Shuck needs your help. Click here to find out how you can assist him.

The power of powerful people's prayers

Dear Jesus,

Please git me away from Dick. Ah think he's mad at me fer not bombing Iranistan when Ah the chance. Ah mean it Baby Jesus, take me away from this scary old man. He's scaring me worse than the time Ah seen Momma in a Baby Doll nightie.

What's that? Ah'm floating! Hells yeah! You finally heard me! You're taking my ass away jist like Ah asked.
Where am Ah? Oh shit, is that one of them beanie guys next ta me? And a black dude too? Jesus git me outta here!Holy fuck where am Ah now? Aww shit Jesus, you done turned me into one of them beanie guys. Ah don't wanna be a Jew Jesus. Jews cain't own houses in some of the neighborhoods Ah wanna live in after Ah git done Presidentin and stuff. And Ah don't wanna eat foods like gefilthy fish and matsui balls. Please take me from here pronto!
Crap Jesus, now you done dropped me inta some weird ghost world. Ah wish these old dudes whoever they is would stop touching me. Ah don't like ta be touched by any older mens other than mah daddy. Please git me outta here Jesus.
Dang your hide Jesus, you made me part of a fucked up Oreo. Git me outta here before that black dude wakes up and sees I'm between him 'n' his white ladywife.
Okay, now you're just fuckin' with me ain't ya Jesus? Ya made me a soldier now. Ah cain't go warring with these folks Jesus, Ah too busy being all President 'n' shit to go. But Ah'll tell ya what, if you give me just an hour or two with the thing Ah really want the most, then Ah'll be a good boy and go where ever you want me ta go.

And you know what Ah really what the most Jesus. That's right, Ah want to be in the strong manly Welsh arms of Tom Jones.
Ack! Not googly eyed Tom Jones! He's scary! Ah want to be in the arms of young hairy chest virile musk scented big ol' weenine packin' Tom Jones.
Oh yeah, you finally got it right. Oh one more thing Jesus, Ah'd like something to drink while Tom 'n' me cuddle.

Oh thank you Jesus! You truly is the favor grantin' son o' Gawd. It's no wonder Ah luv you so much! You rock dude!

********

George, George. Are you awake George? Wake up Georgie!

Aw shit, you mean it was all a dream? Damn you Jesus! Ah'll git you fer that!

Perfect

While the corporate media remains silent on Coulter latest attempt at being provocative, you remember that attempt don't you?, it's the one where she smeared all Jews by saying that they were less than Christians, I cannot. The few who did speak out, and those folks were mostly members of the blogosphere (the only people in the media who matter anymore), spoke about their outrage at her anti Semitic attacks. The point most all of them missed however is that she smeared and denigrated all people who are not Christians like her, and yes I know not all Christians are like her, some are even worse than she is but thank goodness some are far better more evolved Christians who are actually like Christ was, giving, caring, compassionate to all people and not just to the rich white ones.

"Holy shit Jesus, don't kill me, I'm stealing money for you as fast as I can!"

Coulter's comments on that low rated cable "news" show cuts right to the heart of why I walked away from all that religious nonsense years ago. She and the vast majority of Christians think that unless you are like them then you are less then they are. You have not seen the "truth" about Jesus while so many other sheep have and so it must be you who is at fault, it must be you who is wrong and not the vast majority of people who refuse to think for themselves. It has to be you that is not perfect because you don't love the baby Jesus as much as, oh I don't know, let's say, this guy:

"I hate you and Jesus hates you."

And then when you speak up and say you didn't fall for the con job of the evangelicals then they insist that you have not heard enough about god and his son the tiny sweet little baby Jesus. Trust me folks, I've heard enough about Jesus to last forty lifetimes. I know all about the Bible, unlike most Christians I've read most of the Bible, and I know a metaphor when I read one.

"Hail Satan, oops, I mean, hail Mary, oops, I mean, hail with it, just send me cash baby!"

I was born into a Roman Catholic family and I went through the catechism and got baptized and took communion and did the whole confession and kneeling every three minutes thing. I know some of you Protestants will say, "Ha! Catholic! That's not real Christianity!" Well sorry haters, hang on to your Ian Paisely colored ties bitches because after my Mother died and we went to live with my crazy rageaholic aunt she forced us to become, gulp, United Methodists, so I've been on both sides of the Christian divide and I've heard all the crap both sides have to spit out.

"What? Is that all?"

No, Joyce, that's not all. I also attended a conservative Christian college for five years where I was forced to take four courses on Bible and Religion before I could graduate, and wait, there's more! I also had to attend Chapel services during the week or they would not let me graduate. Also during that time I read up extensively on other religions.

"Is it warm in here or is this hell where I ended up?"

So I'm pretty well versed in all aspects of the Christian faith and I'm sure I don't believe it anymore, any of it. And I'm pretty sure what Coulter and her big time "perfected" Christian pals practice is not Christianity. They exhibit nothing of the compassion, forgiveness, and grace that was attributed to god's number one son.

"Jesus is #1 with a bullet!"

Now I also understand that there are people who are actually sincere in their faith and I admire them. I admire all people of faith who embody the best their faith has to offer. If you believe and you are not harming others in your faith and good works, then bully for you. Good on ya, please just keep it away from me. I've heard all the stories, I've witnessed the miracles, I've been there and back, and I bought the damned T shirt, and I don't buy any of it anymore, especially if Coulter is the best thing you people of faith got going for you.

"Praise the Lord and pass me the hookers!"

I hear from time to time on TV and radio, because after all this is the buckle of the Bible Belt where I live, that man's purpose on earth is to praise god and to do his best to get into heaven so he can praise and worship god throughout all eternity. Holy crap, if that really was my purpose for living then I'd fucking slit my throat now while I had anal sex with Larry Craig, then Jesus's daddy would have no choice but to send me to hell. I laugh like crazy every time I hear that crap about us being here so we can praise god all day long. Sorry but I can't praise something that allows so many kids to die horrible painful deaths when those deaths could be prevented. I can't praise anything that allows HIV/AIDS and I'm not about to praise any deity that allows Jim Belushi to have a prime time TV show year after year while Daphne Zuniga gets crumbs.

"I'm farting out Jesus odor."

So what then does Dr. Monkey believe in? I believe in good, I believe in human optimism, I believe in little baby ducks, old pick up trucks, and you, I believe in music and I, I believe in love. Oh shit, wait, I may have channeled a few pop songs there for a sec, sorry. I believe in a form of reincarnation. If you've seen Defending Your Life then that's pretty much what I believe. I believe we all are here to learn how to be better people and to help, to take care of, and to love one another. And I believe if we don't do that in a satisfactory manner then we keep coming back until we do. What happens after we do learn how to do all that stuff? Well, I'm not sure but maybe we go to our happy place and we stay there forever. My happy place sure as hell ain't on a cloud plucking a harp while hanging out with Coulter and Falwell and the gang. My happy place is on a sunny beach where I can drink beer, listen to music, cook good food, and be with people I love and like to hang out with, so yeah, the 1968 Detroit Tigers will be there along with Brandy Chastain and Mia Hamm and Sparky and the Kinks and Elvis Costello and Diana Krall and that chick from Species. Sorry Coulter, but for me it doesn't get any more perfect than that.

Yes, it was a clip on

Don't I look lovely in my little suit that I wore to my first communion party in 1970?
Why yes, yes I do.
Oh yeah, FYI, I tore ass into that cake but I was too freaked out to eat the cross on it. The nuns however had no such reservations.

(I finished scanning my old family photos and I tossed them up onto Flickr. You can see them here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/8950947@N07/sets/72157601144544727/)

Mmmmmmmmmm

Our Lord and Savior likes it hot and spicy! Suck on that you bland food loving Jews and Muslims.

Baby Jesus, pull my finger! Amen!!

Watch this or Jehovah will smote thy ass and give you gas!

How great was that line about a woman's body releasing a spray?