Perfect

While the corporate media remains silent on Coulter latest attempt at being provocative, you remember that attempt don't you?, it's the one where she smeared all Jews by saying that they were less than Christians, I cannot. The few who did speak out, and those folks were mostly members of the blogosphere (the only people in the media who matter anymore), spoke about their outrage at her anti Semitic attacks. The point most all of them missed however is that she smeared and denigrated all people who are not Christians like her, and yes I know not all Christians are like her, some are even worse than she is but thank goodness some are far better more evolved Christians who are actually like Christ was, giving, caring, compassionate to all people and not just to the rich white ones.

"Holy shit Jesus, don't kill me, I'm stealing money for you as fast as I can!"

Coulter's comments on that low rated cable "news" show cuts right to the heart of why I walked away from all that religious nonsense years ago. She and the vast majority of Christians think that unless you are like them then you are less then they are. You have not seen the "truth" about Jesus while so many other sheep have and so it must be you who is at fault, it must be you who is wrong and not the vast majority of people who refuse to think for themselves. It has to be you that is not perfect because you don't love the baby Jesus as much as, oh I don't know, let's say, this guy:

"I hate you and Jesus hates you."

And then when you speak up and say you didn't fall for the con job of the evangelicals then they insist that you have not heard enough about god and his son the tiny sweet little baby Jesus. Trust me folks, I've heard enough about Jesus to last forty lifetimes. I know all about the Bible, unlike most Christians I've read most of the Bible, and I know a metaphor when I read one.

"Hail Satan, oops, I mean, hail Mary, oops, I mean, hail with it, just send me cash baby!"

I was born into a Roman Catholic family and I went through the catechism and got baptized and took communion and did the whole confession and kneeling every three minutes thing. I know some of you Protestants will say, "Ha! Catholic! That's not real Christianity!" Well sorry haters, hang on to your Ian Paisely colored ties bitches because after my Mother died and we went to live with my crazy rageaholic aunt she forced us to become, gulp, United Methodists, so I've been on both sides of the Christian divide and I've heard all the crap both sides have to spit out.

"What? Is that all?"

No, Joyce, that's not all. I also attended a conservative Christian college for five years where I was forced to take four courses on Bible and Religion before I could graduate, and wait, there's more! I also had to attend Chapel services during the week or they would not let me graduate. Also during that time I read up extensively on other religions.

"Is it warm in here or is this hell where I ended up?"

So I'm pretty well versed in all aspects of the Christian faith and I'm sure I don't believe it anymore, any of it. And I'm pretty sure what Coulter and her big time "perfected" Christian pals practice is not Christianity. They exhibit nothing of the compassion, forgiveness, and grace that was attributed to god's number one son.

"Jesus is #1 with a bullet!"

Now I also understand that there are people who are actually sincere in their faith and I admire them. I admire all people of faith who embody the best their faith has to offer. If you believe and you are not harming others in your faith and good works, then bully for you. Good on ya, please just keep it away from me. I've heard all the stories, I've witnessed the miracles, I've been there and back, and I bought the damned T shirt, and I don't buy any of it anymore, especially if Coulter is the best thing you people of faith got going for you.

"Praise the Lord and pass me the hookers!"

I hear from time to time on TV and radio, because after all this is the buckle of the Bible Belt where I live, that man's purpose on earth is to praise god and to do his best to get into heaven so he can praise and worship god throughout all eternity. Holy crap, if that really was my purpose for living then I'd fucking slit my throat now while I had anal sex with Larry Craig, then Jesus's daddy would have no choice but to send me to hell. I laugh like crazy every time I hear that crap about us being here so we can praise god all day long. Sorry but I can't praise something that allows so many kids to die horrible painful deaths when those deaths could be prevented. I can't praise anything that allows HIV/AIDS and I'm not about to praise any deity that allows Jim Belushi to have a prime time TV show year after year while Daphne Zuniga gets crumbs.

"I'm farting out Jesus odor."

So what then does Dr. Monkey believe in? I believe in good, I believe in human optimism, I believe in little baby ducks, old pick up trucks, and you, I believe in music and I, I believe in love. Oh shit, wait, I may have channeled a few pop songs there for a sec, sorry. I believe in a form of reincarnation. If you've seen Defending Your Life then that's pretty much what I believe. I believe we all are here to learn how to be better people and to help, to take care of, and to love one another. And I believe if we don't do that in a satisfactory manner then we keep coming back until we do. What happens after we do learn how to do all that stuff? Well, I'm not sure but maybe we go to our happy place and we stay there forever. My happy place sure as hell ain't on a cloud plucking a harp while hanging out with Coulter and Falwell and the gang. My happy place is on a sunny beach where I can drink beer, listen to music, cook good food, and be with people I love and like to hang out with, so yeah, the 1968 Detroit Tigers will be there along with Brandy Chastain and Mia Hamm and Sparky and the Kinks and Elvis Costello and Diana Krall and that chick from Species. Sorry Coulter, but for me it doesn't get any more perfect than that.