The rest of the story

My local cry baby Congresstwerp David Davis who wants to thwart the will of the voters of the fightin' 1st district here in east Tennessee is now blaming his loss on "known Democratic activists." Yes, I've been making fun of him for it and yes, I did call his campaign phone number and tell them that I saw various people, including little green men, Osama Bin Laden, and unidentified black males all saying they were going to vote against him, but I have not been entirely honest about my role in this whole affair. And the time has come to come clean over my role in it.

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Months ago there was a secret meeting of "known Democratic activists." In attendance were our leader, Queen Nancy:

Me:

A young Christie Brinkley:
JoJo the wonder monkey:A man known only to us by his nickname, which is "The Bowler:"
International explorer and one eyed drunk Nutz McBallsy:

And the Pipettes:

It was at this meeting that we set out our plan for world domination. While I am not at liberty to tell you the whole plan I can tell you that it involves bubble baths, wheels, pulleys, turkey gizzards, a blizzard, the Blizzard of Oz, a boy named Sue, a cow that goes "Moo," some balls that are blue, a shot straight and true, a turn of the screw, stepping in some poo, a how the heck are you, 2 Live Crew, and the defeat of David Davis in his Republican primary race.

We managed his defeat by forcing him to not listen to his constituents, to vote the party line and with his idol President Bush 100% of the time, to take reelection money from big oil, to have a sneering attitude towards anyone who did not vote for him, to be dismissive towards anyone who is not a radical right wing Republican like he is, and to be a giant douchebag. You see, before we brainwashed Davis into becoming the giant douche he is today he was a liberal progressive who supported abortion on demand and who wanted to force the gay agenda on everyone if they were gay or not. But he became our puppet once our mind control techniques kicked in.

And now that his defeat has taken place you can be sure the other parts of our plan are being implemented and soon we shall have complete control over the entire planet! We shall rule with an iron fist as we usher in "the age of the monkey!" The only thing that can stop us is common sense and since it is in very short supply in this country we should breeze our way to the top!

And now you know the rest of the story.

Another whiny Republican

My douchebag Republican Congressman David Davis lost his primary to a challenger, as I gleefully reported the day after the results were in, and now he's retained a high priced Washington DC law firm, the kind they rail against all the time, to help him stay in office. He claims that there were (gasp!) Democrats who voted in our district's open primary, that means anyone can vote in either party's primary if they damn well want to, with the express purpose of removing him from office.

That's my lil' buddy in the center being told that he must be 'this tall to serve in Congress.'

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Davis has decided not to concede because he says that there is a conspiracy afoot to get him out of office. He says that state law prohibits people who have an established voting record of voting for one party to cross over and vote in the other party's primary. He is on record saying that any one who knows of any Democrats who voted for his opponent should call his campaign office and turn them in so that his legal team can hunt them down. Being the responsible citizen I am I dutifully called his office and I left him a message. I told him that I saw little green men voting for his rival. I told them I also saw Osama Bin Laden and several other Arabic looking men who told me they voted for his rival. After I told them I also saw Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid voting for his rival, I told him that his tactics would give us all yet another reason to be proud of him and that the little baby Jesus would surely smile on his efforts to thwart the will of the people of this district.

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Hey, you know what? You can join in the fun by calling his campaign office and leaving a message too! Please be nice and give him all the respect he deserves when you call him at 423-773-8861. You can also reach him at his soon to be ex office in Washington DC by calling 202-225-6356. And you can also reach him at his local district offices by calling 423-323-1235 or 423-317-7459.

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Read all about the current plight of my whiny cry baby Congressman, who by the way wants to keep cock fighting legal, here. After I read that article I looked up the phrase crazy as a loon cry baby in the dictionary and I found Davis's picture next to the definition. He's symptomatic of the kind of whiny bullshit the Republicans are going to pull the day after Obama and company drive them from office on election day. Gird your loins people, it's going to be a tough fight dislodging these Republicans in November.

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(Fez tip to my rabble rousin' buddy Rev. John over at Shuck and Jive for doing a post about this first. I get all my local news over there since I don't read my local paper.)

He had to lose to hit the big time

They did a story about my soon to be ex-Congressman on Think Progress. Poor lil' fella, he got what was coming to him.

Although upon further reflection, the Repbulican who they nominated and who will probably win the House seat is most likely just as big a douchebag as Davis is. In this area they wouldn't elect Jesus Christ if he was running as a Democrat.

Shout it from the mountain top!

The Bush boot licking douchebag Congressman, Rep. David Davis, who represents my area got defeated in his party's primary yesterday. Yay!

I'm usually not the kind of monkey who kicks people when they are down but in this case I made an exception. Here's a copy of an email I sent to my soon to be ex-Congressman just moments ago:

Dear Soon to Be Ex-Congressman Davis,

In your two years in office you have not listened to anyone in this district except people who voted for you. You have refused to do what was right for our district and for our country. You and your staff have been a disgrace to our region and that's why you lost your party primary yesterday.

I'm sure the Rethuglican who beat you will be little better than you when he gets to Washington but I take a large amount of satisfaction knowing that you got defeated. Hopefully more of your obstructionist Republican buddies will be defeated in Nov. and then Congress can carry on with the people's business and not just make laws and hold hearings that benefit corporate America.

Slink off gently into that good night Congressman and do no more damage to our nation and our beautiful mountain region.

I know, I know, my karma took a major hit with that letter but damn it felt good to needle that smug sanctimonious little war loving little prick. Schadenfreude never felt so right.

Waiting

This tiny little man is my Congressman:
His name is David Davis. He's a rock ribbed conservative hard right wing Republican. He's so far right he makes Dick Cheney look like a damn dirty hippie.

I recently sent him an email asking him to introduce legislation that would strip all contractors doing business in Iraq on behalf of the US government of any and all immunity from prosecution. I asked him to do this so that the people in Blackwater and KBR who are murdering innocent Iraqis and raping their female co workers will be brought to justice. I also asked that after he introduced such legislation that he then resign so that his seat can be taken over by a person who will do the people's business in Washington DC and not be a tool of the multi national corporations.

It's been over a month since I asked him to do these two small things for me. He has done neither and he's not even bothered to write me a letter back telling me why he refuses to do what I asked. It's down right rude of him not to at least reply to me, don't you think?

I am bursting with "pride" over my Congressmen

I went to Think Progress and I saw this little article on my douchebag House of Rep. member Davis Davis:

Davis aide to take ethics classes for his Wikipedia vandalism.
In June, Timothy Hill, the press secretary for Rep. David Davis (R-TN), used his office computer to make a series of edits to his boss’s Wikipedia page, deleting information about political contributions from the pharmaceutical industry. Hill was caught by a Wikipedia administrator who fixed the entries and wrote an article about Hill’s “blanking vandalism.” As punishment, Davis is now requiring Hill to “attend classes on appropriate conduct for congressional staff members.”


As if that didn't make me all swollen with pride, I scrolled down the page and I saw where both my idiot civil liberties hatin' US Senators BushLamar Alexander and BushBob Corker went to Iraq and after spending 10 hours there they said the surge is working and all kinds of progress was made and that we should continue the war forever!


Those assholes all make me long for the good old days when Gov. Ray Blanton was running things in my state and selling pardons to rich felons.


Update: Give my Congressman's local field office a call at 423-247-8161(Kingsport office) or 423-317-7459 (Morristown office) and ask to see if they will do some Wikipedia edits for you! I did and I'm not sure they appreciated it. Oh yeah, while I had Mr. Hill on the line I told him to resign and told him to tell his boss to resign as well. Somehow I don't think that's one constituent's wish they'll try to make come true.