"I'd love to talk about that dreamy Julian Assange and this whole Wikileaks business but I'm kinda busy now. I'm holding up the north pole. Some guy paid me fifty bucks to keep this thing erect until Santa comes down my chimney."
"I'd love to chat about how we're screwing up our climate by burning all those icky fossil fuel thingys but I can't because I'm working on my tan. And don't even think about getting any information out of the chick with the umbrella, she's so hopped up on Drano and grapefruit wine that she can't see straight."
"You asked, I'm not telling."
"I'd love to talk about the big tax cut my rich parents just got but I can't because I'm on my way to burn down a socialist United Methodist church. How dare those bastards preach about love, forgiveness, and social justice when we all know the Bible says Jesus only loves rich white people who make war and use up all the stuff his daddy stuffed the earth with."
"I haven't got time to talk to you about net neutrality, how the tax cuts are going to fuck our economy harder than a Roman Catholic Priest pounds a 10 year old boy's butt, or how the tea baggers love racism more than Liza Minnelli loves marrying gay dudes. I can't talk about all that because I'm a Neneh Cherry/Lisa Bonet/Terrence Trent D'Abry impersonator and I finally got a gig on an episode of VH1 Classic's new show, We've Done Every Conceivable Program About Heavy Metal That We Can Think Of, So Here's One About The Music And Pop Culture Of The Late '80's/Early '90's."
"I've been staring dreamily into space while I wait for my period to start. Oh, and I've also been praying that God smites all those wicked homos before they have a chance to get married," said Ronita Ramsey.
"We've been laying the ground work to overturn the ban on siblings marrying, just like the opponents of marriage equality predicted someone would," chirp Vlad and Svetlana Marceaux. "And after we get that rammed down your throat, next up is inter species marriage! Suck on that you bitches!"
"I've been having hot sweaty nasty mind numbingly wild heterosexual sex with my boyfriend out here in this field behind the local elementary school. It's not something I want to do, it's something I have to do because I just know the gays are going to come after him and make him turn gay so they can gay marry him. It's happened to two of my other boyfriends," said Mindy Kone.
"I've been prank calling all my relatives and telling them I'm getting hitched to Lady Gaga," said Shirley Templeton.
Virgin Mary Sanchez said, "I've been waiting for the 1000 hits of LSD I just took to wear off. I'm tripping so fucking hard right now that I swear I thought I heard someone say that the ban on gay marriage was overturned in California. Holy shit, look, I turned into a rabid adverb. Wait...now I'm a chicken. A gay chicken. Brawk! Brawk! Marry me! MARRY MEEEEEEEE!"
A couple of insanely cute young gals are holding our Crunky now. Hey girls, wait! Don't eat it! We'll buy you new shoes if you don't eat it! Aww, who are we kidding, we're powerless to resist you, name your price and we'll pay it. Just don't eat all of that Crunky!
