Old white guys wearing glasses weigh in on the issues of the day

Ripley Knockaround of Jupiter's Thigh, Iowa says, "I want to use live ammo in the war on Christmas. These Jewish atheist gay Muslims got to realize that we Christians are tired of being oppressed into saying 'Happy holidays' and 'Season's Greetings.' I'm ready for others to die because of my beliefs."

John Ivanisectickwi of Raleigh, North Carolina says, "I have a tiny penis. That's all."

Lurid Panhole of Whigs Bottom, Oregon has this to say, "Kim Jong Il may be dead but the love his people have for him will live on, much like the anthrax I spread in the local deli restrooms and truck stops will live on."

Dothan Larkswinger of Love Canal, NY is excited about Michele Bachmann. "I bet she's great in the sack. And the sack I mean is a burlap sack that's full of rabid badgers and a cinder block that's been tossed in a river."

"While you're reading this bullshit blog post gays are getting married and Mexicans are converting to Mormonism. And no, you can't have my name or city and state of residence."

Girls in hats really want to break down current events for you, no, really, they do

"I'd love to talk about that dreamy Julian Assange and this whole Wikileaks business but I'm kinda busy now. I'm holding up the north pole. Some guy paid me fifty bucks to keep this thing erect until Santa comes down my chimney."

"I'd love to chat about how we're screwing up our climate by burning all those icky fossil fuel thingys but I can't because I'm working on my tan. And don't even think about getting any information out of the chick with the umbrella, she's so hopped up on Drano and grapefruit wine that she can't see straight."

"You asked, I'm not telling."

"I'd love to talk about the big tax cut my rich parents just got but I can't because I'm on my way to burn down a socialist United Methodist church. How dare those bastards preach about love, forgiveness, and social justice when we all know the Bible says Jesus only loves rich white people who make war and use up all the stuff his daddy stuffed the earth with."
"I haven't got time to talk to you about net neutrality, how the tax cuts are going to fuck our economy harder than a Roman Catholic Priest pounds a 10 year old boy's butt, or how the tea baggers love racism more than Liza Minnelli loves marrying gay dudes. I can't talk about all that because I'm a Neneh Cherry/Lisa Bonet/Terrence Trent D'Abry impersonator and I finally got a gig on an episode of VH1 Classic's new show, We've Done Every Conceivable Program About Heavy Metal That We Can Think Of, So Here's One About The Music And Pop Culture Of The Late '80's/Early '90's."

Millie answers your questions about what an Obama Pesidency will bring

Hi everyone, I'm Millie! I used to have my own comic book in the '60's but Marvel Comics pulled the plug on it and now I'm reduced to appearing in blog posts like this one. It's a bitch but what can a working gal do? Work is work. Anyhoo, Dr. Monkey asked me to come in and answer some questions some of you have about what Sen. Barack Obama's win on Tuesday means. Our first question comes from Mr. Pete Moss of Fungi, Idaho. Mr. Moss wants to know, "Do we all have to get gay married now?"

No. Same sex marriage is not a right as of yet. In fact because of the actions of the hateful Mormon church, those awful people are right up there with the assholes at Westboro Baptist if you ask me, it's not going to be legal in California anymore. It is legal in Massachusetts however but who wants to live there? (If you live in Massachusetts, I'm just kidding. Dr. Monkey told me to say that.)


Next question comes to us from Dr. Basil Bodi of Loma Linda, CA. Dr. Bodi wants to know, "Do we all have to become Muslims now?"

Ummm, Doc, are you an idiot or something? No one has to become anything they don't want to become when it comes to religion in this country. Freedom of religion means that you can be anything you like, or not, it's up to each person.


Next question comes from Miss Judy Garfinkle. Judy query is this, "Will I still have smooth mosist skin after Obama takes office?"

Hang on Judy, I'll answer your question when I stop laughing so much. Seriously, I've got to take a minute to wipe away the tears of laughter that I've gotten after reading your stupid question.Wow. No shit, that was funny Judy.

Next question please.

Bob Frapples wants to know if I can close both my eyes at once. Well, Bob, here's your answer:


Dot Matrix asks, "I lost my job at the plant when they closed it and moved operations to China. My unemployment has run out and I'm selling blood plasma to make ends meet. Are my taxes going up?"

No.

Pete Moss has another question, "Are you really sure I can't get gay married? Because at this point I'd like to try it. See, my old lady is driving me nuts and the kids what with their whining and shit and always needing things like food and new shoes, and sweaters, and medicine and shit, heck I'd like to just chuck all that and live it up with another dude for awhile. I'm serious. Do you know any gay guys who might want to hook up with me Millie? Hell, I'd even move to Massachusetts if I had to. They got trailer parks up there don't they?"

Sorry Pete. The only gays I know, Batman and Robin, are already living together.

Well, that's all I've got time for now, I've gotta run and get my hair done. See ya'll in the funny papers! Bye now.