"I've been staring dreamily into space while I wait for my period to start. Oh, and I've also been praying that God smites all those wicked homos before they have a chance to get married," said Ronita Ramsey.
"We've been laying the ground work to overturn the ban on siblings marrying, just like the opponents of marriage equality predicted someone would," chirp Vlad and Svetlana Marceaux. "And after we get that rammed down your throat, next up is inter species marriage! Suck on that you bitches!"
"I've been having hot sweaty nasty mind numbingly wild heterosexual sex with my boyfriend out here in this field behind the local elementary school. It's not something I want to do, it's something I have to do because I just know the gays are going to come after him and make him turn gay so they can gay marry him. It's happened to two of my other boyfriends," said Mindy Kone.
"I've been prank calling all my relatives and telling them I'm getting hitched to Lady Gaga," said Shirley Templeton.
Virgin Mary Sanchez said, "I've been waiting for the 1000 hits of LSD I just took to wear off. I'm tripping so fucking hard right now that I swear I thought I heard someone say that the ban on gay marriage was overturned in California. Holy shit, look, I turned into a rabid adverb. Wait...now I'm a chicken. A gay chicken. Brawk! Brawk! Marry me! MARRY MEEEEEEEE!"