- Don't try to save a few bucks and sell your house yourself. Hire a realtor. They don't get paid until you sell so it's no skin off your wallet. If you lived where I lived I'd tell you to hire my realtor because she's such a kick ass gal but since most of you live elsewhere find your own realtor.
- If you insist on staying around your house while it's being shown to total strangers don't wear a pair of shorts that allows said total strangers to see your sweaty flabby hairy man ass. And don't wear a tank top that allows your back hair, back fat, and bacne to escape and run free. Seriously, if you MUST be an idiot and follow people who are looking at your house around then do yourself a favor and shower and put on some nice clothes.
- If you don't want to wash those few dishes in your sink then at least rinse them off so we don't see that you feed your kids Cocoa Puffs and American cheese food for an after school snack.
- It's fine with me if you love Jesus and all his surrogates like James Dobson and Pat Robertson and Benny Hinn, but you may not want to leave their books laying around on all your coffee tables so that people can see you like to read fairy tales by hate mongers. And just between you and me, I'd take down a few of those pictures of Jesus tongue kissing people and humping the UN building because those things are kind of gross. It's fine if you believe all that stuff but you need to realize that everyone else doesn't and it makes them not want to buy your house.
- Decorate less. I know you love to show off the shit you've bought and collected through the years, the sea shell mirrors, the frilly lampshades, the soda pop bottles that were heated up and stretched out at the local carnival, but honestly, it's not about you when you're trying to sell your house, it's about the other people imagining how all the stuff they bought and collected over the years will look in your house if and when they buy it.
- If you've kept pets in the house then clean up after them. No one wants to smell your dog's shit or your cat's piss scent. If they did then they would get down on all fours and stick their nose up Fido's ass and inhale like crazy or they'd head straight for your cat's litter box when they came by to see you.
- You don't need to full court press clean your house but you do need to pick up your kids toys and straighten up a little.
- Don't expet to get the full asking price on your house. Build a little wiggle room in the asking price so that people think they're getting a deal when they haggle with you.
Follow those simple rules and suggestions and you're sure to sell your place in a reasonable amount of time.
8 comments:
I go back and forth on wanting a new house (although with "Operation fix this F**king house" we are financially tied to this one for a bit).
I remember when we were house-shopping, we looked at one where everyone was home, smelly junk was piled everywhere, half of the family members were sleeping in the bedrooms we were trying to look at, and we couldn't even see one room because someone was in there with the door locked.
As you can tell, this wasn't exactly the best neighborhood.
I so agree on #1 (and on the rest); I can't imagine trying to sell a house without professional assistance.
#5 is a great tip. There's nothing more distracting than trying to visualize what you would do with a space when it's cluttered by other people's shit.
There's such a market for "staging" houses to be sold. Unfortunately, the ones that need the most staging help can probably least afford it.
Dang - another career option foiled!
Whew, it's a good thing you posted these before we put our house on the market next year. Kat might've wanted to show off her sweaty flabby hairy man ass. Oh wait. I don't think I was supposed to tell anyone about that....
My SIL is a realtor and she would not put up with shit like that. I guess that's why she sells like crazy. That is she did, until the economy tanked.
AND HOW.
#1 - so right!
#2 - I was eating my lunch when I read this and lost my appetite, thanks so much.
#3 - you mean that isn't OK for snacks??
#5 - again so right. Here in the upper Midwest I call it TCS = Trite Country Shit.
Our house is beautiful and it's been shown ONCE since April. Go figure.
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